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TW s*cide - Does anyone feel like it's "written" in their destiny to die by suicide?
Trigger Warning: Suicidal IdeationI thought I wrote this. Everything you said is exactly how I feel.
Even when I’m feeling okay eventually my life will end with suicide.
Did you also get this combination? Financial opportunity + disability + dysfunctional family?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Physical disability makes shit so much harder plus having people that either completely doubt me and call me over dramatic or people taking advantage of me when I’m most vulnerable.
Yes, I’ve tried to talk about it but I don’t really like the shock expressed back. Ty for this
I haven't even tried. I just know the reactions I would get. I don't need reassurance. I need the opposite of that in a way - anyone understanding that this is real. It isn't just a belief, it's because I know that I don't know "the other world", I lack social skills, I inherited a distorted reality, and I'm physically sick... So I won't even try because no one gets it that it's real things we are up against. As you say the shock hurts because it reminds you of the distance between you and them I think.
You’ve taken something I’ve felt all my life and worded it so perfectly. I wish I could give you the same feeling you’ve given me.
I think what you’re describing is “L’apelle du Vide” which translates to “The Call of the Void”
No because I feel that lets all the adults in my family off the hook. Because it gives them a "can't help what happened, it's just destiny" when they should have all done better. They gave me this curse as a literal child and just sat back watching it eat me alive going "that's just our family genes, not my job to help not my problem".
I refuse to let them win. If this is destiny fck destiny too.
I'm sorry to hear about the suicides at home, have you gotten grief counselling? Your family sounds like it has a medical history of depression and I hope you get some medical help if you ever feel you desire it.
I was born into an abusive household and was a sick child with a borderline munchausen mother who is also obsessed with Islam. Brother and father also abusive. I'm diagnosed adhd and my therapist and I are unsure about the Autism but can't rule it out, not really a big deal to me if I have it or not, its just another condition of many.
I was alone, bullied, abused at home, my youth felt hopeless and I did attempt twice at difficult points.
Anyway, I'm married now and living happily and on my way to recovery. It wasn't easy at all, but I decided to take every opportunity that came my way that wasn't illegal. I worked hard because I wanted out of the place I was in. Its like oc said, "Refuse to let them win". I still have medical issues into today. I went through the same thoughts you had, but what you need to remember is today isn't forever. Right now is just now. The future can be bright, but you have to start taking some steps out of the rain. As long as you breath, you have a chance at living.
Suicide is a choice not a sentence. You only get one life, and I may have lost majority of mine to abuse, but at least I get to be happy now. I feel robbed of my time but I'm grateful for sticking it out. I'm glad I didn't "unalive" myself as the kids say.
yes, im not suicidal as of late but i know the way ill die will be suicide, ive spent my entire life not being able to control things that happen to me and ive been thrown about more times than i can count, by friends, family, lovers, even doctors ive just been disregarded and controlled — suicide gives me a chance to control something thats mine, if i want to control at least one thing in my life i want it to be my own death
ive never had a choice in my life, even in things that are supposed to be mine (e.g, doctor appointments, even when i was old enough to consent and communicate it was always decided by my parents or my doctors themselves), but suicide will give me a choice
i dont think im going to do it anytime soon, i do have moments where im just so fed up with life but i want to live my life before making my choice
No. My brother already did that.
Yeah. I feel like even if I live a long time and somehow have a satisfying life, suicide will still be the way I go in the end. The thought that I could die any other way feels impossible, as illogical as I know that sounds
Yes 💯
I can absolutely relate but I'm at a stage now where I want to fight my urges long enough to keep seeing tomorrow
When I was younger I thought I would be murdered to die my by own hand.
Now that I'm older, I'm so glad I never went through with killing myself. I'm also glad my mom never managed to do it either.
I don't say this because my life is all unicorns and rainbows but I get to have a life. It's hard and unfair but I have one.
I do my best to take pleasure in the little things more. It does help but medication and therapy are the key for me.
This is a form of cognitive distortion/forshortedness, and even worse- if unaddressed, the irony is it can lead to a self fulfilling prophecy.
For me it isn’t suicide, but it feels like I will for sure get cancer and die from the fact that it runs in our family + all the insane stress and heartache my family and people I have loved/trusted put me through. I am chronically depressed and anxious and having breakdowns, and getting physically sicker due to the stress. It always makes me think “ofcourse I will get cancer, and everyone in my life did this to me, and how I handled it all did this to me, and it’s inevitable”.
I have this intense feeling I'll end up having an abrupt or ill-timed end. Sometimes, it feels like cancer might be it because it also runs in my family. I'm currently going through genetic testing to verify since the cancers I'm prone to typically don't show symptoms until they are late stage.
I've never really seen myself growing old though. I've journaled on this exact topic before. I have a difficult time envisioning myself as an old person on my deathbed looking back at life. I don't know what that means, but it bothers me on some level.
I don't know if it's destiny or being unable to envision a life beyond surviving.
Yes I have had the same exact issue- not seeing my self grow old. I always feel like for sure I will die younger from something, either cancer, heart attack, maybe car accident. I thought this was me having a gut feeling about my destiny until I learned about the concept of “foreshortedness” in psychology. It’s exactly what that is, and there is a reason behind it. It’s not an actual real “gut feeling” but a lack of being able to view good things for ourselves in our lives, including a long meaningful life. It comes from certain traumas one experienced. Highly recommend looking into it, it explains a lot about this thought process- and most importantly; that it isn’t true.
Confession because i feel like this the only place i could say this without getting massive pushback:
TW for terminal illness: i know it’s awful but occasionally i dreamed of getting terminally ill. I feel like i have no control in my life and i fear my future. Having a sealed fate like that would make everything so much easier. No future to worry about. I don’t want to be dead right now but dying soon seems a bit like a relief. I can do what i want, live life to the fullest because i know i don’t have long. And when i die, it won’t be my fault and no one will judge me, only miss me.
TW: mention of suic*de: like i said, it feels awfully disrespectful to wish for such a thing but when you’ve been scared, stressed and depressed for years on end, for a third of your life, your mind just comes up with the most desperate fantasies that make you feel like those feelings will finally end. Because that’s all people who are suicidal really want, they just want all that pain to stop, and the only way they see, to achieve that is ending themselves
When I was losing hope, I needed a way to continue. One way was a goal to end it at age 45 if things hadn’t improved. I believe I was in my 30s. I was doing everything I was supposed to do and getting no better. Hospitals, outpatient, meds. I needed this sense of an ending as a ‘condition of employment‘ in order to tolerate the sheer weight of everything. I was working, financially stable, travelled some. I was exhausted and without connection all the time, really thought I was broken, a mistake.
Then I went to a trauma-informed therapist. And it did get better. My true self was in here all that time and I didn’t know. And started in relationships, Some glorious feelings from that. Because loneliness. I am 63 now and so glad I had accepted, finally, that I don’t KNOW what’s going to happen. I am not broken. I was brainwashed from the beginning. So I rarely think about it Now. But it served a purpose. It gave me a way to keep my eye on the prize I didn’t realize was coming. It had been 57 years of doing instead of being and I was never meant to live that way. In Hell. And now I’ve discovered Heaven on Earth I’m going to stick around. I like me.
i wish it wasn´t the case but yes. i have been very suicidal lately
Yep
Totally. Used to be too humble to trust myself with it, now it's 100% a matter of time. I wonder if I got like a year in me left.
This reminds me of “a sense of a foreshortened future.”*
After life and death situations and ongoing, chronic abuse from which escape isn’t possible, it is hard for me to envision, imagine or sometimes even hope for a better future. And also a coping mechanism, albeit admittedly maladaptive and not the best one (thanks, trauma brain/s).
*Articles on it for those unfamiliar with the term:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4166378/
https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/foreshortened-future
https://www.verywellmind.com/coping-with-a-foreshortened-future-ptsd-2797225
There’s no such thing as destiny. The future hasn’t happened yet. Everything is constantly changing.
Pretty much yeah, life is painful and absolutely unbareable why would any other result happen
Yes, unfortunately. And it’s weird because I haven’t felt actively suicidal in a few years, but it still feels kind of inevitable when I think about my life so far, and what the future likely holds. I’ve always felt like my very existence is a burden, because the truth is that it really has been in a lot of ways, and because of that I have been excluded consistently from “normal life things” because my presence is often inconvenient to the people around me. You can only feel like unwanted and unneeded spare parts for so long before you don’t feel like you belong anywhere, and just be over feeling that way.
I don’t have any kids, so won’t have that or any grandkids or anything like that keeping me around in the future. I know I won’t ever have anyone who depends on me or anyone who truly needs me around, so I’m ok with it. I’m not afraid to die. I’m just very stubborn and keep thinking that it’ll get better one day and I also don’t want to hurt my mom like that, so that keeps me around for now. And I am really trying, honestly! I work really hard to make life better and happier for myself and the people around me, I just see the way everything else in my life that is out of my control has turned out and recognize that one day I will likely have had enough, and that’ll be that.
Yes. I feel like I’ve kept suicide in my back pocket as a last resort so to speak.
The older I get, the more and more I regret everything I’ve ever done. The more I realize how fucked up the human race is, the more I realize how fucked the planet is, the harder and harder it is to find reasons to stay alive.
Most of the time I feel like I have no hope. And suicide could solve all those problems.
I clearly remember feeling like this. I’m not in that place anymore and haven’t been for quite some time now, but I remember it clearly.
The thing that helped me was understanding that it’s my story. I don’t have to follow anyone else scripts or parts they want me to play. If someone casts me as a character that I don’t want to play, I turn in my costume and exit their stage. I’m the director of the play of my life, I get to create the type of story that I want my life to be.
I hope you come to the realization that you can do this too. You’ll be MUCH happier
I empathize with all of the challenges and pain you've faced throughout your life. Your experiences and feelings are deeply impactful, and it's clear you've been through a lot of adversity.
It seems like you've had heavy burdens to carry, and it's understandable that these experiences have shaped your view of yourself and your place in the world.The feelings of being "born to die" or inherently destined for tragedy are poignant expressions of deep despair and hopelessness. Yet, your awareness and articulation of these feelings also show a level of introspection and resilience. A search of some sort? It's important to recognize that your past and your family's history don't define your future or your worth as a person.
You are not bound to be a tragedy, despite the hardships you've endured.Many people have felt similarly alienated and have struggled with a sense of fatalism about their lives. It's a testament to the human condition that, even in the depths of despair, individuals can find strength, resilience, and a path to healing. Your story can resonate with many, especially those who feel marginalized and without a voice.
Pain + Consciousness = Transformation
Do not underestimate the hole your absence would leave - Jordan Peterson
Sending you so much love.
Yes.
I felt this way until a couple of years ago and I’m in my 50s. Coming out of survival mode and freeze have left me feeling that it’s not an absolute anymore. There’s now more cognitive space for things like choice and true independent thought free of the trauma taint.
Yes
Possibly. It's more that it's always felt like there was no point in being around. My existence seems to just invite awkwardness, discomfort, abuse, neglect, contempt...it feels like there's a long list.
Give me a long time to get over my father's suicide, today I get it.
Fuck no. My family is pretty famous organized crime figures, who sold drugs, ran gambling rackets, and killed people for a living. My grandparents pool shed is where they used to cut up and dispose of the bodies, and they put the blood in the pool in order to "bathe in the blood of their enemies" and I spent my childhood swimming in that pool and having nightmares about it and not knowing why. I still have nightmares about it. I have already spent the last 14 years as a drug addict, partially because they used to drug and rape me and my brother and cousins as children, but I'll be damned if I do any goddamned killing of anyone, even myself.
All that being said, I'm finally, at the age of 35, letting go of all my hatred and rage about the whole situation, my sadness is gonna take longer, but I'm working on it. I actually want to be alive now, which never really seemed like a possibility in a life so surrounded by death, especially murder. I've had to deal with two major motion pictures about my fucking family, one which glorifies the fuck out of them made by Martin Scorcese, and the other one with Johnny Depp playing my cousin Jimmy that is what the FBI wants you to know about the situation, but it's shocking devoid of the child rapes. If I can learn to want to be alive, even after spending my entire life waiting to be killed without any warning over some mafia shit I know nothing about, I really honestly think anyone can.
Jesus christ. Thank you for sharing this. It's honestly beyond words.
I'll be damned if I do any goddamned killing of anyone, even myself.
First, kudos to you for breaking the cycle. That is fantastic.
Also, this gives me perspective. I never really thought of it as a murder of myself, more like something that would happen to me, in the sense that I am too sick to live both physically and mentally. I feel the sense of "I'll be damned if..." because I did the same kind of internal vow with drugs, since I saw so much of it growing up.
If I can learn to want to be alive, even after spending my entire life waiting to be killed without any warning over some mafia shit I know nothing about, I really honestly think anyone can.
I hope you are safe from your family now. It sounds like you have immense mental strength. Best of luck
and I don't give a fuck about living in terror anymore
While I can't relate to the feelings you describe when walking past a homeless person, I can definitely relate to how inevitable suicide can feel. Despite them being the cause of so many of my issues, I'm actually somewhat afraid of my parents dying eventually. When they do, and my siblings have all grown up, I'll have far fewer people who'd be irreparably hurt if I stopped being here. It'd be really, really easy to socially isolate myself until friends stop caring, then finally do it. The only reason I'm here today is because I've not yet picked up the phone that's been ringing all these years, so to speak.
That said, I never intended to live as long as I already have. I figured I would've done it by now. And things are a lot better in many ways than they were in the past. So while suicide feels inevitable, I'm not in a hurry. I hope that in sticking around, I'll find some purpose or meaning or delude myself into believing in something that keeps me around for the long haul.
I have no earthly idea why but I always feel like going to drown or burn to death.
Yeah, honestly. I feel this way too. Sometimes it feels like my whole life is destined to be one huge tragedy, that my whole existence mere collateral damage caused by things out of my control. Sometimes it feels like the 'good ending' is a mere pipe dream. Sometimes it feels like the world is only sadistically prodding me towards an edge I can't back away from.
Thing is, I can't help this stubborn hope that refuses to leave. This hope that I'll look back on this in 60 years and be content with where I managed to end up in life. That there are people out there who managed to find peace and happiness in their lives after experiencing tremendous grief and pain, and that maybe for some people that's the only way. Not completely unscathed, but still. And maybe I could be one of them, too.
It often seems like I was meant to be a tragedy within a tragedy but at the same time there's a faint whisper in the back of my mind telling me that maybe I was also meant to be a glimmer of hope within a tragedy. Sometimes that little whisper is drowned out and I forget that I have a chance. But every bit of chance counts to me and that's what's keeping me going.
Personally, no. I don’t believe that. If anything, I believe it is in my destiny to overcome my trauma, and live happily ever after, successfully, etc.
I don’t think destiny is real. But I think the stories we tell ourselves have a big effect on us. It might be time to start telling yourself a different story?
I feel the same. I feel like I'm waiting for the final straw that pushes me to it, or waiting to suddenly get terminally ill so I can ask to be let go through medical assistance. I feel like I'm at a point where I can watch my world burn down around me and I wouldn't care, and would even light the match myself. I'm working hard to battle it, but it's a really hard and exhausting fight, especially when I keep reliving the traumas and don't have that great of a support system right now (my husband is okay most times but also dealt a lot of damage to me as well).
I have this narrative stuck in my head that no matter what, I always suffer the consequences of other people's actions that are supposed to love and care about me. Yet I feel constantly like I'm everyone's punching bag, scape goat, and am constantly being taken for granted. It's exhausting and recovery is daunting after 30 years of it.
Thought that for a long time. Long enough that I'm still working on unlearning that thought process. I thought for my entire life that I'd have offed myself by the time i turned 30. My 30th birthday was a few weeks ago and I'm just now forcing myself to get medical help for issues I've had forever (double vision and chronic migraine for about 5 years), because fuck, I'm still here so I might as well be a little bit more comfortable.
I still worry that the dozens of head injuries I had as a kid will come back to haunt me in that regard within a decade or two. Who knows.
I don’t. I feel like my body is giving out on itself (it is) and that will be the end of me. :(
Yeah, Are you me? This is basically what I've always thought and what I've been writing in my journal these days. I've made a fuck ton of progress that younger me could never have imagined like going no contact from my family, being (currently) financially independent and literate, getting medical health sorted, and etc, but as I face graduating college I only feel that destiny tighten. The job market sucks a fuck ton right now and because of everything I've had to face I didn't have the time or energy to do internships or go towards (career) goals I honestly don’t even have, like other people did, meaning my resume is very empty. I feel worthless, especially when having to convince other people why I'd be worthy of work. My biggest accomplishments are not career related, like I wish I could say that I went no contact and that's the hardest thing I've done, but they don't give a fuck. I've also had a really bad friendship and roommates in my time in college which just has made everything worse. I'm constantly surviving and not living and now I have to do even more surviving after graduating and I just can't see myself being able to do so. I currently have a campus job, but I've only really been able to hold it because my boss is the kindest man on earth and has always been understanding and supportive. I know once I work elsewhere I will not have this luxury and I honestly don’t think I'd be able to hold it without burnout. I'm not diagnosed, but I've speculated I'm autistic. It just feels like I'm born to kill myself. When you put the pros and cons in a list, the cons outweigh the pros. Born into an abusive, dysfunctional family, isolated throughout my life and have no friends, disability, no support system, barely financially independent, etc. I constantly feel like I'm one step from homelessness, because I am. How do people survive in this world without help from a support system? I don't necessarily see this as a con, but I also kind of wish I wasn’t trans sometimes. It's just been further isolating and is just another thing that can make me hate myself. With all of this, how can I be expected to find the strength to keep surviving?
That script is slowly changing for me. One issue with us trauma folks is that we can’t picture the future. This is a result of a generalized lack of memory to form the basis for an ability to form a hopeful future. When we can’t do that we see the future as bleak and possibly dying early from suicide or sudden death etc. As you explained, suicide is a comfortable partner with me as well. I know it well. That is changing. Not without a huge amount of energy expended to battle it. How much do you want to change the script? You have to be courageous and ruthless. It’s a fight to the death. What kept me from not killing myself years ago was that I wanted to outlive my parents. If I killed my self then they won. They are both dead now. So now it’s me. Fuck suicide. It’s not going to happen.
So feeling like the world is ending, like you're cursed to die in a certain way, that something bad is inevitable are all symptoms of cPTSD and way more common than you might think. It's a function of the disorder. It instills deeply held core negative beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. I found EMDR to be very helpful for these, as these kinds of core beliefs can be rooted very young and be difficult to access in language-bound therapies. What you're describing isn't strange at all when it comes to this disorder.
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Yep. And we have a history in my family.
Yes like the book “ a little life “
If you are feeling suicidal please reach out for help. Your thoughts are not facts. Facts do not change, but thoughts, like weather and seasons and moods can always change.
It's just a matter of how it happens, really. How the end comes about. Whether it's abrupt or even further overdue. Knowing there is only one solution to ths insane prison.
the call to the void is strong.
a dumb thing my psych told me, that actually worked to help me, was to think of those thoughts like mosquitos that feed on weakness. sure you can give in and let them suck you dry but all it takes is a little strength to swat them.
they'll keep coming back in the future, because our brains are evolved to seek patterns and create associations, and suicide is something that's a potential escape from everything, so your brain is gonna be associating it with every stressful thing as a potential escape.
That's not something that's easy to change, but it's not you that's having these thoughts, it's a misfiring process in your brain's puzzle solving bits. Recognizing them for what they are is an excellent way to put them in a box that you can control.
no
Yes. I don’t want to feel this way and don’t even identify with feeling ‘suicidal’ much of the time because I feel like I still have a few tries left in me. I also can logically conclude that I am an intelligent, adaptable human with many good qualities who is worthy and capable of happiness/success. But, I don’t really believe that, it does and has always felt like at some point I’ll grow tired of failing. When I first recognized this desire in middle school or so, I found it empowering as at that point I was generally powerless but would one day be exercising the ultimate control over my life! Now it just makes me sad. At this point I more fantasize about being in some sort of accident than anything, justified by the logic I’d be horrified to hear another employing: accidents have to happen to someone so I’d prefer it be me, because I deserve it and very few people would care.
Another factor that is likely a commonality for people with this fear is that because we lack a family support network, it is even more difficult to start our own. I personally can not entertain the idea of having a child because I wouldn’t have any family to help me out and I don’t make a lot of money. Because of this, I worry that if I do make it to an old age I will be incredibly lonely anyway.
Hey, Mara355. Thanks for sharing.
There's no predestined future, thankfully. ☺️
I know what it feels like to be suicidal and what state you have to be in to attempt it.
What externalities give you stability in your life right now (e.g. school, work, volunteering, exercise, etc)?
Just remember that we have our ups and downs, and that downs follow ups and ups follow downs.
I'm available to talk if need be. Please feel free to reach out.
Yes. I’ve been doing all of the work and have been busting my ass to get better in life and to fix my mental to no avail. I’m at a point where I genuinely believe things will not get better and I’m just destined to kill myself eventually. It’s just a matter of when my body is going to give out and can’t keep fighting anymore.
I did believe that, when I was a teen. Then I realized it merely was what they wanted me to do. It was their voice haunting me, trying to hurt me. It wasn't a good death freeing me from pain, it was giving in to them. I finally went aware of this when I managed to escape the abuser's house.
I have a dead brother. My abuser used it to victimize herself even more, when she actually caused the event. She did the same thing with her own mother. And pets. She thrives on weakness and death.
Death will come when it will come. And I certainly won't let anyone decide of it. I'm not saying I'm having a great happy life, but I'm fighting as always. My abuser is in her late 70s. Soon the hardest part will be over. Death comes for everyone.
I don’t believe in destiny but I do believe suicide is how I will eventually die.
I don't think it's my destiny, but I have felt like dying plenty of times. IT's more of a "I feel like dying, but that'll be the day I let my abusers win, so fuck them, I'm going to fight for whatever semblance of a life I can cobble together, right up until the bitter end" Mwuahahahahahaha. ...........jerks.
Here's the other thing. don't' be fooled by what you think you know, see. I"m not saying that you're perceptions thoughts feelings arent' valid. But when you're upset you can decide something in your mind about the way things are, and yet it can all change on a dime. Life is fluid motion, nothing stays the same, not even what you think you know with 100% certainty. One day you're up, the next day you're down. You look at something one way, you're convinced after careful deliberation and analysis that you understand what you're going through, and it can all change in a split second. I've decided not to decide anything. I"m working off of a really unstable , faulty template-that needs restructuring. Better to not decide anything ......just yet.
I used to firmly believe this
Yes 💯
Yes, for me I always saw the scene from The Matrix where Agent Smith has Neo on the subway tracks with a train coming and he says "You hear that? That's the sound of inevitability." For me I never got that close to suicide in the present moment but it always seemed like it would eventually happen. Or, I'd give myself cancer by all of my stress and self-loathing, and no one but me would know that it was basically suicide, but without the stigma. I have just received a stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis, so it might well have happened. Of course, now I want to live. I don't think most of us want to actually die, we just want the pain to go away, and we feel like we don't have what it takes to get by in this world
I absolutely relate to this. My family is poor/everyone is an addict/lots of abuse. I worked so hard to get away from it all, only to sabotage everything once I finally “made it” because I never felt like I belonged with the successful/put together people I was surrounded by. I ended up developing my own addiction, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, after I built a life for myself that seemed good. I’ve always felt I’m going to die from an overdose, either intentional or unintentional, even though I’ve been sober for years at this point
I think about this every day. A sibling died by suicide and I can’t tell if it makes me more likely or less (they did it, so now I can’t).
I’ve had suicidal ideation since at least second grade, it’s something I think about literally every day.
It feels that way because we live in a culture that celebrates suicide for people with disabilities. Think of the number of times people have said our suffering ends with death. All the people who say they couldn’t live the way we live, or even the antivaxxers that would rather have dead children than disabled children. You’re not imagining things, it’s very real, and it’s all the more reason you have to live.
Fight back by staying alive, no matter how bad it gets. You don’t have to die by suicide. Stay alive to spite them all, and give a big fuck you finger to everyone who thinks disabled life is not worth living. The biggest act of rebellion you can do as a disabled individual is stay alive and build the best life you possibly can. Take back the narrative from the ableds who want to assign misery to us. Hold onto every second that you got and know that your willingness to live serves a greater purpose.
Every disabled person who stays alive matters, especially when the world wants us to say, “die.” It matters that you’re here. You matter in keeping disabled life moving forward. It matters not feel like it now, but you don’t need your name up in lights to make a difference. Keep living, keep breathing, keep doing all you can to move forward.
Let me say it again: YOU! MATTER!
Sometimes I wonder about what will happen that will send me over the edge. It’s a question of when, not if.
I feel like I will never be satisfied, no matter what happens in my life. I don't know what I want, what I need, who I am. I am afraid I'll never truly know myself, never stop being regretful and dissatisfied. I feel like it's my destiny too, and I grew up convinced my family was cursed to suffer, and I have inherited some kind of age-old unhappiness. Sometimes it feels like I should just get rid of myself and in doing so take the curse with me, seeing as I failed to remove or lessen it (fix home/family situation), no matter how hard I tried. I wish I could just be fine with the world and my life, enjoy my youth and be content or whatever. Not even happy or successful, just calm and content. But I just don't know how.
i feel you but i’m glad you’re alive right now.
yes, and I've only ever talked about this with one person irl because others get concerned. it makes me feel more in control to have this belief, like nothing else can kill me besides me! so as long as me isn't trying to kill me, I'm invincible. probably not great but helps with the anxiety bc I'm at times not dissimilar to a shaking chihuahua. if I make it to my 60s, that's when I'm planning to do it. sometimes I have big episodes and try to rush the clock. idk don't wanna get old. don't wanna be here really but have to.. sort of the vibe
Yes. I even asked my friend if she thought people would be surprised and she said no.
Yeah, and it’s honestly one of the things that terrifies me the most. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I’m so terrified to slip down that path again and actually die by suicide, cuz I’m scared that’s my destiny. The worst part is, I don’t believe anything is predestined to happen😭
This is the disease talking, love.
Suicide ideation is a symptom of depression. There’s ways to get help for that. You don’t need to die from depression.
You can heal, survive and break the cycle.
I honestly did for the majority of my minor aged life into my early adulthood like literally 10 yrs old to about 23 years old. We can recover tho. I still am undoing the damage of my upbringing. I think it’s very important to really examine and fully understand your upbringing and family you were raised around; so as to see where certain things come from so you can work on them. I can say at 27 I feel the opposite of that now. It can get better and you owe yourself that. Your upbringing was NOT your fault.
Cheering you on 🫶🏻
I can relate. It sounds like a lot of people can. I’m saddened that it’s not just me - I knew it wasn’t but it seems more common than I’d thought. I don’t know if I really see it as destiny, well maybe as destiny because it’ll happen. When I was a teenager and younger I planned on before turning 18, for sure (had religion shoved down my throat, eternity in a torturous hell if you’re not a good enough Christian, and I was convinced that I was damaged and bad. So I planned on it before I hit the “age of accountability” (or my best guess at it, with some procrastination because of fear).
Fast forward and there were some attempts when my depression and trauma history got the best of me. Lots and lots of ideation. It’s only within the last year that I am certain it will be sooner rather than later. Before, I knew I’d make that call someday because I don’t want to die alone at the mercy of god knows who. Emphasis on alone, and it not being in my control. I’ve felt enough hurt and fear, it has to be on my terms.
But now, I know I’m only hanging on for as long as my doggo is still with me (living). He’s my dependent, I adore and love him more than myself and I’ll push on. But that’s all I’ve got left in me. Really I don’t even have this in me anymore but I’ll fight tooth and nail. He’s snoring next to me in the cutest snorty way. I won’t leave him. But once he’s gone I’m going to finally allow myself rest and peace. I’m not scared anymore.
I’m sorry so many of us feel this.
Yup. I truly can’t see myself dying any other way.
Yeah, i feel like there is no other way and no matter what i do i cant change it. Plus i dont really want to die in another way, i would like to be at least somewhat in control during my last moments.
Despite that i want to live very much, i love living, i fear death, but i dont think i can avoid this.
I feel like it was sadly a forgone conclusion in my brother's life (nearly 14 years gone). He was severely physically abused and had disruptions at discreet developmental stages so never had a chance. He had such bad substance use and mental illness that was not treated properly. When he was 16/17 he was sectioned for 2 weeks and promised to never talk to or about his mental state or thoughts to another psych.
Yeah. It was always like my option B. I feel numb to life. The loneliness of not having friendships and not having a job is eating me up slowly as i realise I may not be employable due to my ADHD/ Autism.
I have improved a lot that I used to be shut in. I also look better I think after doing skincare etc and I get compliments on my hair.
But I still don't interact with people and I'm pretty much awkward with unexpected communication but I do go for walks and grocery stores. But I'm very much the same on the financial and other front. I still feel bummed idk why, like I cant be successful
My mom especially pushes me to get a job i don't know why she can't understand. Our relatives do the same and it's stressful and trying to put up fake excuses.
I don't if I would go as far as suicide but I do have this feeling deep in my bones, it's always been there, that I won't grow old. I don't know how I'll die whether it's an accident or natural disaster or illness or what, but I've always felt like I won't be one to reach old age for some reason. I have this massive fomo I guess about life experiences that makes me want to rush everything and have everything now whilst I'm young, because somehow I don't feel I'll have the opportunity to do it or to enjoy things for long when I grow older.
I’ve always stated that my number one goal in life is to NOT die by suicide. It’s such a strong and ever present threat in my life that if I make it to the end of my natural life without ending myself, then I’ll have won. At life. It’s… sad.
Didn’t think i’d make it to 18 yet here i am, getting close to 19 even.
Still wouldn’t be surprised if it ended that way though. I am still terrified of my future and still depressed so the chance is still there that it’ll happen just not before 18 anymore. I am doing a bit better than i used to but i just don’t know how long that’ll last considering what lies ahead.
Really hoping my new med will help. Wish me luck
We are all sleeping slaves of fate.
Yes, it's something I struggled with a lot. One of my biggest recovery hurdles was accepting that I couldn't just die. I had to pick apart if I really wanted to die or if I just learned that that thought helps soothe the pain. On the better side of therapy and if it's okay I will share my learnings on it in case it helps anyone. Honestly it takes a while, and asking for help from stable and secure people will help. What you went through was not safe, and you protected yourself the best you could. At some point you may have "learned" that it was "better" if you weren't here, and the belief that you had control of it by a "way out" may have helped. Your needs weren't being met by your guardians, and ofc you feel like you weren't born with a chance, bc you weren't given a fair chance. You are going to figure your life out yourself, which isn't fair. It's really difficult, but you deserve it. It can be big, it can be small, but if you're in it and you're kind to yourself it will be better.
of all the factors in the world, controlling your decisions and actions to something that requires such a tremendous level of commitment as suicide does, i do not believe destiny could ever apply. something so challenging to follow through is absolutely a matter of will.
I had this feeling a lot when younger.
The first years were rough when I could be physically controlled. As I got older and bigger the abuse had to switch to mental and emotional.
I always felt like I was being "saved up" for a tragic fate. I felt that every day without a present tragedy was accruing interest in a future tragedy, and the only variables were how much pain and whether it would kill me.
Now, I've learned to accept that I (probably) have ~anxiety~ and that expectation has more to do with my hyper-vigilance than any fate or truth. I'm not destined to wind up homeless or destroying myself, or to be miserable, in fact I am on the more-capable end of one of the most-capable segments of population in the wealthiest nation to ever exist. Tragedy may befall me, but there are types I can control and mitigate (done) and ones that I have no control over (I'll do what I can). It helps that I have a spouse that has that capability plus.
As for hurting myself, no. I had one honest, actual ideation in what would be equivalent of middle school. I was small, friendless and outcast and thought about ending it. There is... a dry voice in my head, like a version of me that has no emotion but for sardonic commentary. For instance, it's the part of me that during me absolutely losing my shit will say "oh yeah, yell all red-faced, that will make you look cool and collected." That part of me usually pipes up right before or after doing something really stupid. Anyway, I thought about killing myself and that voice said "yeah, that'll show them. They wanted to drive you away so hard you killed yourself. Good jorb, homemash. Why not live to be a pain in their ass?" Best idea he ever had. I lived to be a thorn in the side of everyone that harassed or belittled me, and it's worked out well. Fuck those guys.
Yeah. Eventually. That's where I'll end up.
Nope
Yes, no doubt I'll probably die from suicide
More or less, I do. I'm fine for now, but overall, I feel like I'm just trying to postpone it.
I read somewhere that people in general become happier after 45, 50 or so. It's true even for monkey as they get older, cause I was fast to blame it on capitalism and jobs.
And Maybe if I make it there, I would've survived.
But I do feel like i'm fighting fate and winning all the time, and that's kinda badass :D "not today bitch"
Also tehre is some weird confort in the tought - I can die anyday. be it if things are bad now, but you don't have to do it today, it's not going anywhere. Or in taking some kind of a risk, and knowing that even if everything goes to shit you have a way out. Weird way of thinking, I know, but it has kept me alive a few times.
Yes, it's almost like life always pushed me to follow this path. Everytime I accomplished something good, it was taken away from me. People never stayed in my life. I was always rejected by everyone and if it wasn't enough, I became deformed. Planning to do it soon.
Similar but not exactly. I feel like I'll end up dying alone in a gutter somewhere. I'm too indecisive to actually go through with it on purpose.
It's like no matter how much progress I make I can't shake the feeling that I'm only one step away from losing everything, and I feel like eventually it'll just finally break me. I almost wish for it, just to get it over with.
Yes. It feels like any good things or big life changes are things that happen to me, whereas being miserable/having nothing is who I am.