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I completely agree, I want to be healthy and do try to do the right thing. I can recognize I am emotionally reacting without logic recently which is alarming. Overall its just really hard to feel like losing someone you love due to an illness like this, but having the pressure to try and help and still failing. Just in so much pain at this stage :(
Get out of the relationship for your own good. I see things going badly for you. It's not even a year and you guys are fighting when things get real. You should never slap a partner regardless of gender. What your partner needs is a lot of therapy, they really should not be in a relationship right now. The problem is you seeing potential where there may not be any. You being blinded by rose colored glasses.
My gut is saying that, and however it works I have accepted. I feel things have been going south, and she does too. We shouldn't have had this many fights I agree. It is not normal at all. Being slapped did mess me up, prior to this my stuff was thrown out of the apartment and glass thrown at me. Yeah even saying this honestly is not good. I just cant fake it or bottle this anymore.
prior to this my stuff was thrown out of the apartment and glass thrown at me.
Run
I repeat, get out. That's it. Stopping looking for reasons to stay where there are none.
I have been traumatized to hell and back. As an adult I have never put my hands on anyone, you cannot tolerate abuse. It's a cycle and you really want to bring legally binding marriage and kids into this mess?
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You need to get out of this relationship. She is not ready and the way that you know that is that she physically hit you. Please be safe. I've been in a situation like this and it's incredibly destructive trying to see the good and stick it out through the bad because you can see so much light in her. I am in therapy with a CPTSD diagnosis because of this very thing.
She physically abused you. You need to leave her because that light you see is not the light she is using. And if you keep being around her, you may be forced to defend yourself and that is not a situation you want to be a part of because you are a man and she is the woman.
She can hit you, you can hold her to protect yourself, which might put a bruise on her, then YOU will be the one to go to jail. BE CAREFUL AND PROTECT YOURSELF BY NOT BEING AROUND HER
The part which hurts is she is blaming me for the slap by saying I was too drunk and not paying attention. I reacted to STOP her from hitting AGAIN. There is no excuse for it. Now, I am here apologizing for putting my hands on her and stopping her. There is no bruising but the mental part is what she says is YOUR FAULT. Though, she did admit she slapped first! But, here I am APOLOGIZING for defending myself. Man I know what i have to do...
You have said enough man. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Please leave her. You will be out of this as soon as you do. She is not the girl you know she can be, she is not the girl you want her to be. You are important and do not deserve to be treated this way with violence, lying, and all the other stuff.
Please do not drink any more alcohol until you break up with her and move out. Alcohol, domestic violence and you being a man makes this whole thing EXTREMELY dangerous for you. Please. Let her go. Please. You are not alone in this pain.
Choosing to be in a relationship or not is about whether the RELATIONSHIP is good for you and makes your life better and easier.
It’s possible for people to love each other but not be able to behave in ways that are good for each other. When this is the case, the relationship should end. You can still care about the person, but the relationship needs to change or end.
Be VERY careful and prepare to reconsider.
First GF was also traumatized, First 8 months were the BEST time of Life. Although i DID A LOT FOR HER, learned spanish and drawing, so Same kinda Spot Like you and being a father Figure for her.
Though On first "Vacation" with her and parents i was abused verbally and emotionally. I withdrew, she didnt Like that, until one Night she almost strangled me in bed to death and i couldnt do ANYTHING. Not physically but injuries on her would snowball into accusations etc. AND I STILL LOVED HER
I DO NOT WANT SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR ANYONE ELSE. Being almost killed and tortured by people you Love MESSES YOU UP.
YOU CANT DO EVERYTHING PERFECT. PROTECT YOURSELF.
If you want to continue try making it clear that you fear what can Happen, that you Love her etc. But that you want professionals involved where you ALSO can Tell your Side of the coin to avoid miscommunication/being blamed.
Educate yourself and her, or at least try to make her know that she SHOULD AND HAS TO educate herself to avoid escalation.
EVEN IF EVERYTHING IS DONE PERFECTLY IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE. DO LET EVERY IMPORTANT PERSON KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO PROTECT YOURSELF.
If you want a bit more Info Just ask, i will try. Although i cant give you much positive ways. Mostly making you aware what CAN happen.
Be Safe.
Thank you for your kind words, I feel so broken and emotionally manipulated and played at this point. She is still attacking me right now, "I really just lost all hope. I dont have the energy to even hope anymore. In so depressed. Ive cried all afternoon still dealing with the trauma of what you put me through. Your lies, your selfishness, your abuse... youve completely killed me. Im going to stop asking for work and effort because its a waste of time for both of us". It doesn't stop. When she is on one, it really doesnt stop no matter what I can say in response. I dont have a response to that anymore.
Is that what she Said? Or what you (want) to say?
What she said to me. Now ive kind of snapped because she is saying i fucked this relationship up and its my fault i didnt get her back. I cant anymore its too much shes way too difficult even though she thinks is simple. I cant undo this, say my side, or even be logical or peaceful. I have to be a simp and fuck it do whatever she wants and needs always. shits destroyed my stability and mental health.
Then leave her with dignity.
Talking seems to Not Work so perhaps writing in some Form. Is there a way to seperate from eachother for a while at least? If so write her how she Hurt and why it hurt, when you leave. To avoid suicidal ideation/attempt also write a few Things you Like(d) about her. And want that PART (yes Part, with C-PTSD you have several parts of yourself kinda) again. Say what you can do, but also what she has to do. Set Boundaries. For your own health and hers.
Important for her ist that she knows that there are GOOD Things about her. She Just has lost herself and has to get Back.
I also have episodes and am Not myself in some way. Although i learned grounding techniques and within a few days (away from the active Trigger) i normalize.
Maybe Ask her what her Trigger May be. Give her links, articles whatever to make it easier for her to educate.
BUT i am Not Professional, i give you somewhat of a Insight to what is Happening AND If All of this continues YOU May also get C-PTSD, i am serious. And that Turns your WHOLE life around.
One Thing still, with C-PTSD you get the NEED to be in control. Of whatever is somewhat important. If the Partner (you) doesnt behave Like she wants, the Part of her that was damaged will try to Put you under your thumb (Maybe how she was Put under the thumb).
I'm sorry to hear about the worsening circumstances and overall enviroment that you are facing. Life with a partner for whom something has made the prospect of love equate to terror, and with a partner who has put this truth into the couple and relationship as she would conceive them, and where there are constant threats - to her health, to your intentions, to the couple's present and future. It is a serious scenario and you are asking good questions.
My partner and I have been together for 30 years. We are not married. I am M49, she is F50.
Love might be the act of acceptance and care in the present. For her, when triggered, there is terror in this fact, as love in this form cannot be true. She does have a self about which one can or should or could care, and hearing otherwise will cause distress. How to react? Is this a test? Is love going away? But how to keep it? She'll say that she hates you. You saying "love" is lies, deception, falsity or fakeness. You will be accused of being not only incorrect but wrong or worse.
You hearing this will cause you to doubt your self and your reality. It might harm you. It might make you frustrated and angry and cause you confusion and pain.
You mention a lot of stress like job loss and life changes and maybe your hopes to have a family are in there too. Mental health does not improve over time on its own. A person might white-knuckle their way forward but the costs for that go up, I think, over time.
I miss my partner who was once kinder. I miss me who was once more patient. These qualities are tested when the couple is experiencing the kinds of things that you are describing but cannot speak of them honestly or directly. What that speaking looks like in your situation is not known to me, but it sound like it is not in scope of what can happen, at least as you describe things now.
What happens if you tell her that you miss her? In my case, it can be a blank stare, a sense of me being confusing in my remarks, or her showing resentment at the suggestion of comparision to another time. I'm referring to ineffable qualities which she denies. It make me doubt my reality and the fact of my needs. It is a part of my life with the person whom I care about. It can be very difficult.
Good luck.
Another vote for RUN NOW!
I spent 12 years in an abusive relationship. It took her a while to show her true colours. Your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend showed you exactly who she is in less than 6 months, believe her.
She believes hitting you is the best way to settle an argument, then blames you for it, then wants YOU to fix things.
It doesn't get better.
We all have to deal with our own shit. Her mental health is not an excuse to treat you like she does. Get out before it gets much, much worse for you.
And remember that it doesn't matter that she throws the first punch, when she decides to call the cops on you, you're guilty, period.
When I left for good, I told my ex "if I don't leave now, one of us will end up in jail, and the other in the hospital or dead. I don't want to find out."
Something my therapist told me that I’ll pass on to you… “Healthy relationships foster healing. Toxic relationships foster codependency.”