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So I’m not normal lol
Sorry if I didn’t explained right, English is not my first language. I meant to say “most common”.
I partially dissociate as a trauma response. I become disconnected from my body. It feels like my head is "a balloon on a string."
I only remember my childhood in flashbacks of the bad stuff and some brief "bubbles" of some stuff that isn't so awful. I usually can remember what season it was when something happened, but I am unsure about my timeline.
I lived most of my life, including my adult years, in survival mode. I have a few years, hear and there, as an adult that are present in my memory. Periods when I was pulled back into my family of origin are fuzzy.
I believed this also - but my sister at 30 can reel off childhood scenarios as far back as 4 years old.
What I realised is that it is likely due to trauma for me.
same.. even other traumatized people i know seem to have better memory of their childhood than me 😅
Same. And like high school classmates that I "knew" for six years, I don't recognize or remember at ALL in 99.9% of cases. Thankfully I have a dear friend who I can ask "do I know that person?" and she will help me remember if I ever need to. And my sister helps me with childhood.
I have DID. What ticked me on questioning a dissociative disorder is that I started to notice I completely forget when something bad happens to me.
I forgot for so long but only just remembering. Idk how I forgot. I just know that there must be more
You forgot because your brain was protecting you, so it hid it from you. Internet hugs to you as you navigate all of this.
I suffered it without even knowing. I remembered maybe 3-4 moments from my young life. Nothing substantial though, things like "looking at the door", being present when people were fighting, etc. I didn't think that much of it. I had a vague sense that my parents were partying a lot and that I was part of that party lifestyle.
Then my memories flooded me at 33 years of age. There was a lot of emotional and some passive physical abuse that the brain hid from me. I'm glad I got my memories back. Remembering was terrifying, but it also allowed me an opportunity to release all that pain from the body. It unblocked me. I started thinking (!!). I started feeling inside my body. I did not feel joy or contentment before and now I do. As dramatic as this is going to sound I am expanding into all that I am, all that I was supposed to be had the trauma not been there. It takes a lot of energy and resources from the body and mind to keep the trauma hidden from conscious mind. Now I put those resources into healing.
Knowing is a blessing, although the process of remembering had a very real chance of killing me. Apologies, it is so very dark. Nevertheless, I hope this gives you something good.
how did your memories come back to you? Was it through therapy or just over time?
One of my theories is that they came back because of stress. My nephew was getting born into my family. I myself suffered the worst of it in the first few years of my life and now there was a new baby at risk. Does that make sense?
I know that some people do Kundalini or take Ayahuasca (or some other psychedelics) to purposely dig up and face their hidden pain. But for me it happened without taking/doing anything. I was in psychotherapy at the time, but the intention wasn't to dig anything up. I was mostly processing my current situation and looked occasionally into the past for answers following the directions from my psychotherapist. I didn't feel much of anything when I remembered my past. I didn't think the past mattered.
Anyway. Looking back at it now I see that I was preparing subconsciously. I established a good bond with my psychotherapist and my psychiatrist. I already started processing my childhood with professionals. I was already on medication that helped me self-regulate. I was in a place of safety: physically and financially. I got it all sorted 2-3 years before the memories came. Before that I had no support and no clue.
When the memories came I endured it for a few weeks (had no choice, all services were overwhelmed by COVID backlog back then), but when I finally managed to secure an appointment I had to go on anti-psychotics for a few months. Without it I could not function, it was all too much. I phased anti-psychotics out of my system and I am now managing well without them.
I want you to have a better picture of what it took. When you go and start searching for this stuff on purpose it's best to be prepared. Again.. I only know it looking back.
PS. If I was to choose to know or not -- I would choose knowing every time. There is a ton of constant pain in knowing, for me at least, but there is also freedom.
this made me tear up. thank you so much for sharing.
I came back from being home for the holidays and I haven’t seen my mom since she didn’t talk to me for a month. I was very anxious visiting but the trip ended up being a really really good trip. it broke the cycle of me anticipating something always bad happening whenever I come home. Upon realizing this when I was home, I had moments of intense emotions and crying. it’s like tears kept coming. it’s realizing that despite the anxiety I had coming home and the strained relationship I had with my mom, I still loved her and I missed her so much. I think I didn’t want to admit how much I missed my mom until I saw her and confronted it and cried ( a lot).
I lose time and its pretty scary. I always attributed it to poor memory, not thinking about the past and drugs and or alcohol. Been trying to work on my mental health after witnessing my Fiancé suicide.
I dissociated most of the day before and after his death but not his actual death. That i unfortunately remember every second of that minute. After his death i lost time again. Over 8 hours with no memory and being in a trance like state.
Imagine blinking and one second you standing somewhere. The next your in an entire different location. Blink again and your talking to a gas station clerk. Final blink your curled up in a ball wondering wtf just happend cause 4 seconds ago you were at work.
They want me to do EDMR but fear it may make my CPTSD worst as I have had a lot of trauma. If what I do remember is bad what is my brain shielding me from and can I handle reliving situations deemed too traumatic by my brain.
But if I do nothing my therapist and select friends fear I will end my life. I was in active suicide preparations before I met my Fiancé. I hid my depression and isolated so no one had a clue anything was wrong. I sought help instead of what I was going to do. So the irony he made me want to live and stop my plan and seek help just to watch him take his own life...I see why they would be concerned.
Yeah, don’t do EMDR if you suspect you have a dissociative disorder. If they knew while they told you that, you should fire your therapist.
Thank you can you help me understand why it is detrimental?
It’s basically what you already said. Digging up traumas in someone with a dissociative disorder frequently leads to the DD getting significantly worse, to compensate against all the stuff you now know that you shouldn’t.
I definitely didnt realize the extent of what my past entails until therapy. My therapist definitely doesnt believe hes equipped for my level of care. I thought everyone had a life like mine. My therapist is taking me on pro bono so my insurance will cover the Trauma Therapist.
What is an alternative to EDMR? Years of therapy? 16 medications? Nightmares?
To my knowledge it's still EMDR, but with a whole lot more prep work before and after, so you know when to stop before you start dissociating.
Basically, you need a therapist that specializes in both.
I want to sincerely thank you for taking the time to give me the information you provided. Asking for help is still such a foreign concept to me.
I suffer from it. I had completely forgotten the terrible memory that showed that my mother was drugging me behind my back. Amazing how I forgot such a crucial memory (because it was too painful to admit such a thing back in the day)
there are entire years missing from my memory.
I have DID, basically no memory of anything, each day I live life floating through like a ghost.
This 💯
I'm diagnosed with DID. It was a long road to reach my acceptance of what goes on in my mind. As my first therapist said: "something probably happened when I was little even though I can't remember it. It's impossible that everything in my early childhood happened when I was nine, and I just had a boring childhood up to then."
I literally don't remember anything before age 12 or so and my entire teenage years are very patchy with what I do remember.
Its awful honestly, I dissociate so bad I'm never actually here . I'm always somewhere else far far away to the point that I've forgotten how to be in the now.
We have DID. We started figuring out something was wrong when people would ask us why we went through phases so often and they were repeated. Or "what happened to blank" and having no memory of it. Plus finding objects in our house we didn't remember buying and money suddenly missing from our bank account.
I have a very good memory but it’s also very compartmentalized. So no continuity. More like little vivid scenes, going back to age 3. I’m 63 and still disassociate a lot, mostly through porn, I began compulsive masturbation like 5 times a day as a child due to the abuse, this turned into life long sex addiction, every spare moment fantasizing and thinking about women n sex, which is totally disassociating. At least I don’t do that anymore as I’ve learned a lot about why this happens from studying cptsd.
I can't put together an accurate timeline of my life. I've dissociated so much. Somewhere along the way I learned to repress my emotions and it's backfired so much. I'm still trying to heal from a relationship I left 4 years ago. Delayed emotional reactions dominate my life. Something can happen and it will hit me randomly that day or even after multiple days. Or they were buried so deep it will bleed through in subtle ways until it finally explodes full force.
I do. I don't really remember moments with my abuser in my teens. Or I do, but they are traumatic to me.
Childhood memory varies from person to person. But starting around age 6-7 you should have some memories. If you have only a small selection of memories from each year up to teenage years, that's not too weird. Memory from childhood does fade. But if for example you had 0 memories from the period of time where you were 8-12, or you'd forgotten very important moments in your life that it seems like you should remember, that could be a sign of dissociative amnesia.
It's not Normal to have no memory of child hood. It's a symptom. I have chunks missing....
I do and even DpDr when I am really bad. :(
My psychologist had me get some meds. I just started them and I hate it so much. That alone is setting me off. We cannot do any processing as I start rolodexing as he calls it and zooming to mars.
i do. it varies in severity though.
full-fuckin DID, been working on a diagnosis for the past few months
I have forgotten most of my childhood. I want you keep it that way. I also have forgotten most of the years from 2000 to 2016. I was very agoraphobic with panic attacks. Those years are just a blur to me.
Yes it's a problem tbh.
It is normal to have memory of life pretty consistently after the age of 3 or so.... Of course, nobody remembers every moment but you should have an overall feel about what life was like then and remember specific important events.
A gap in time, however, signals a problem. For example, there is about one year of time when I was 8 or 9 that I don't remember much at all..I remember the year before and the year after pretty well. (When I consider the horrors of what I DO remember, I shudder to think about what could have caused this gap.)
The “overall feel of what life was like then” has been a big point of questioning for me. Because the memories I have don’t come with that information from an inner world perspective. I know what the life looks like from the outside but not what I was ever feeling or thinking. Mostly I just don’t feel like I’m there.
Is this different from when you compare it to just before and just after?
If not, then I wouldn't worry about it.
What do you mean by “just before and just after”?
I have a DD.
Do you mean to say that your entire childhood is like this?
Also, in your OP you said that you "think" you have DA. Have you actually been diagnosed with a DD?
I was just trying to answer your question about what is normal and what isn't.
It may be a miscommunication but I'm getting contradictory messages-
Your OP says you don't have memory and then your post above says you DO remember but not the inner thoughts, etc.
Also, your OP says that you think you might have DA and you now say that you do, in fact, have DD. If you do, in fact, have a diagnosis of a DD then you must have been working with a professional to get that diagnosis.
Because of the miscommunication AND because I'm not a mental health professional, I'm going to step out of this thread and recommend that you talk to a pro to get an accurate diagnosis.
Yes what I mean is for my entire childhood I don’t feel like I can access my inner life, there is very little access to feeling and thought. I don’t remember much what it was like to be alive, basically, or interacting with my parents in my home. It’s a House of Blankness.
I’m not OP. I was just responding to that statement about how most people can tell you the overall feeling of life in childhood. I have a DD and cannot do that.
Okay. I'm so sorry for missing that.
No worries. 👍
It's mostly pleasant when it happens for me, so I wouldn't call it a disorder.
I have DID and some yers of our life are completely blank bc I don’t remember it at all.
DID here. I feel like most non-traumatized 30 year-olds with average memory do remember things from when they were 7. Maybe not blow by blow of every day, but they can tell who their friends were, who their teachers were, events that happened etc… I got nothing. The very few things I remember before 21 just float in time. I can’t tell you how old I was exactly when they happened unless there’s something about that horrible event that is age related or something, and other people verified it. Otherwise, it’s just bad things isolated from a timeline. I can’t even tell what order most of them happened. I’m not gonna have much to get nostalgic over if I ever make it to old age.
I used to remember a lot but within the past couple of years it’s like my brain said life is too much and deleted a lot of stuff. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I have little to no memory of a lot of my life, and for the memories I do have of those times, I see it like I'm watching a movie and not like things are happening to me. Apparently, that's not "normal" lol!
I have been dxed with DD and thought a lot about this because it is true that many people don’t remember childhood well. I think it is important to take into account the holistic picture of symptoms. Not remembering childhood well isn’t reason enough to think you have a DD but if it comes with other dissociative symptoms in the present then it might be clinically significant. And there are other elements to consider like the quality of the memories you do have, your relationship to the memories and yourself in them, your ability to put them into loose order on a timeline, etc.
My sister thinks she has DID.
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I probably have it.
I zone out a lot.
I have an abnormally strong memory of my childhood, but also get dissociation as a PTSD symptom when I'm triggered. While it's not happened since I got EMDR, my dissociation around triggers would sometimes slip into major flashbacks where I would fully relive the traumatic experiences in full detail across all senses.
We have DID because of the volume and intensity of trauma, but we’re okay with it
I never knew it as a disorder until recently. My brain senses something unpleasant and is instantly somewhere else.
I dissociate constantly, sometimes more heavily than other days. There's times where I've basically blacked out and just floated thru life.
I have a handful of dissociative disorders. The amnesia thing is probably the hardest thing to deal with some days. Forgetting so much.
i can forget things i did 20 minutes ago if it was too overstimulating. i put a kid up for adoption and we see her every year for birthdays and holidays, we usually go somewhere like an indoor play place or trampolines with lots of people, and by the time i get home i barely remember anything that happened lol
i was told that is me dissociating but im not sure how accurate that is.
I don't have a professional diagnosis but I'm 100% sure I would qualify for DP/DR and general dissociation (if that's a thing) I barerly have any childhood memories at all, especially not of my mom (who is also my main abuser) or before the age of 10.
I don't remember (almost) anything before 2019, which is amnesia. Sometimes I recall some stuff in flashbacks. So it depends, how much do you really not remember?
I really forgot everything before age 15.5, I am 19.5... so It's not really childhood and also not that long ago.
I guess the first concrete memory I have in my brain is the night my mom died. I remember it so vividly. I was 7. I don’t remember her though, not at all. I remember bits and pieces (very small) of her abusive relationship with my stepdad and the abuse he put us through. Anything I do remember is not good, at all. My life began (memories and all) when my grandparents adopted me at age 10. I also blocked the memories of my abusive first marriage. My son remembers more than I do. It’s hard not having memories but it would be worse to have them I think. My nana made me promise to never get hypnotized or whatever to unlock them. She always said my brain was protecting me for a reason. I’m pretty newly dx wirh cptsd.
it seems to be a likely possibility for me, but i won’t know until i can get assessed by a professional who actually understands trauma and dissociation, for once. it’s gotten to the point where three people knowledgeable about dissociative disorders have asked if i have one, due to perceived symptoms they’ve picked up on, repeatedly. but i’m so unsure and so deeply in denial. i feel like i can’t trust the validity or genuineness of my own experiences. i’m always worried i’m just some faker. my ex was diagnosed with DID so i’m also paranoid that i’m just mimicking them somehow
I experienced years of sexual abuse so most of my childhood is completely inaccessible to me now. I have just a handful of memories but that's probably for the best.
There are 5 dissociative disorders im aware of and I have most of them. Amnesia is very common as a coping mechanism to survive. Emdr can be counter productive releasing emotional flashbacks of deep rooted trauma. I’m recovering from this.
Under the dissociation is potentially OSDD/DID especially if you have been in a freeze state most of your. Dissociative amnesia isn't a normal memory problem. It varies in intensity. It's not bad enough to stop you from studying or working. But it's bad enough to make you function like you have dropped 40 IQ points due to have multiple parts processing memory.
I also don't remember my childhood. Like, about 6 memories total from my childhood.
My "parents" were always fighting and it was a very toxic place to live in, so, I guess that affected me. Because of constant stress and anxiety memories cannot form well (as I've read), that's why it happens.
I also have heavy Derealization/depersonalization sometimes. It's scary sometimes, but it's strongly related to how bad I feel and for how long. If I feel bad for too much and too bad, then I'll feel the urge to not be me, I guess.
Takes lotta crying and else to be fine again.
Normal and healthy people do remember their childhood, at least, much more than I do (talking for my experience).
It's normal to forget a lot of things, but I guess what we have is quite different. We have a feeling that we might've not existed at that period of time, like, we not just don't remember our childhood, but we don't remember our existence back then. That's how I feel it, anyways.
Edit:
I feel like I came to existence since 14-15 years old. From then, I pretty much do remember existing and everything (like a normal person).
I was thinking, that it's possible I started being at that age, because, maybe, I gained some confidence and I started to feel that I COULD defend myself and didn't have to constantly avoid living.
Maybe that's not it though.
From what age do you remember yourself?
I got undiagnosed dissociation issues. No clue what's going on, all I know is if I am both alone and not talking to someone online I just don't. Also an ungodly amount of escapism. I got that Sunny from Omori type of brain lmao. Imo not being able to remember uneventful parts of your childhood is normal, but not remembering large eventful chunks isn't.
But idk I only have one brain and I can't see in yours
I mostly remember the bad parts of my life. All through my life, I was told I have exceptionally good memory, I can quote entire movies, tell entire books, analyse and construct complex ideas, learn entire speeches/essays by heart (that's how I passed German).
Everything I remember I am 100% sure of. But I deleted parts of it. Things I did with people I remember doing, by not the people. I do not remember speaking, though it's logical I had to communicate somehow. When there's good mixed in with bad, I only remember bad.
Many things I only remember when being told about it, but then an hour later it's like I was never reminded of it.
I often surpress my reactions to things, only to feel bad later and not remember what the problem is. Most often I do it automatically, without even noticing.
I can describe in perfect detail the dream/nightmares I had as a child, but not the awake life from that time.
I dissociate a lot and have blacked out when triggered. It's a topic.
My dissociations were really bad up until my early 20s but now I feel like it's my choice whether or not to dissociate
I wouldnt say I currently do as im more so very hyperactive and on alert, not commonly numb.
But I definitely think it happened in earlier childhood because I have a really hard time remembering the timeline/yrs/details of when events happened (both mundane and distressing/traumatic). It feels spaced and gapped, I have a good chunk of memories and im not really sure how many I “should” have, but idk if iv necessarily forgot whole periods of life because before middle school, I couldnt rlly tell you how old I was or what yr it was when random memories I have did happen. My memories just feel random, lol.
It’s normal to forget things especially as you age, but people recall certain things like birthdays, visits to the zoo or having a lot of fun with their friends on weekends. Like a vague overall memory.
It’s pretty common in people with CPTSD to not remember certain periods of time. I have a couple of years I barely have any memory of. In those two years I think I have only like 3 or 4 memories. The rest I don’t really know what happened.