Is all physical punishment physical abuse?

Question

When I was little and “in trouble” my dad would:

pinch the back of my hand very hard until I was almost crying
grip my forearm with both his hands and twist them in opposite directions (I know it’s called an Indian burn but I’m not sure if that’s offensive)

He also would tickle me way too hard, and when I would cry and tell him it hurts he would keep going and say “oh come on, no it doesn’t, stop being so sensitive!”

He never hit me but sometimes he would randomly bring up how his dad would beat him with a belt, and he would take his own belt and do that thing where you snap it straight so it makes a loud cracking noise. The noise scared me and apparently he thought that was funny because sometimes he would chase me around, cracking the belt.

Intellectually I think I know that if I’m wondering if something counts as abuse, it’s probably abuse, but I’m hoping for some validation…

in CPTSDby Kichavo

99%

10mo

Hellboi_

10mo

Yes.

Every single thing you just stated is abuse. Even scaring you with a noise. The fact that his dad did that to him is evidence. Shame on your dad for being weak. That is not how a grown man should act towards his child. That's how a shitty older sibling acts.

deadlydogfart

10mo

Think of it this way: If it would be wrong (and illegal!) to do to an adult without consent, why would it not be just as much or arguably more wrong to do it to a child?

Blue_Sherlock

10mo

A great example!!! ♥️

RottedHuman

10mo

100% abuse. I think what really cements it as abuse is the sadism, the fact that your father found so much joy in terrorizing you.

[deleted]

10mo

YES!!

You should NEVER be hit for a mistake!!! There is NO REASON for someone to touch you or hurt you without your consent if they do it’s abuse!

I’d also like to state, as I read more and more people sharing their stories on here, there also is an underlying sexual abuse that’s going into a lot of physical abuse. And I’m sorry op but I think this might be the case for you as well. Your post gives me the feeling your abuser maybe not ‘got off’ to hurting you. But he must have had some sort of thrill doing it so much. Especially when you mentioned the tickling and the belting.

Op. Nothing you went through is normal. Nothing you went through is what a child is supposed to receive when they need to be “PuNiShEd” (sorry I don’t like using that word when referring to children needing coaching when they make a mistake.) I’m very sorry that you had to go through that and I hope reading this and other’s responses helps you in any way

[deleted]

10mo

Exactly. If you hit for a mistake, you'll make that child neurotic about being prefect. They'll never come to you with problems etc.

Anonuno999

10mo

sorry I don’t like using that word when referring to children needing coaching when they make a mistake

children needing coaching when they make a mistake

It must be amazing to live like that. No...just mistakes and coaching. I want that.

Hatecookie

10mo

Yes. That’s all abuse. He is ignoring your personal boundaries, ignoring your bodily autonomy, ignoring your complaints of physical discomfort, and causing that physical discomfort. That’s all messed up.

When my step kids have to be disciplined, which is pretty rare anymore, they both have ADHD so I have to take extra measures that some people might find unsavory. When they go to time out, they have to keep their palms and their nose against the wall. Time out lasts as many minutes as they are old, so five minutes for the five-year-old, etc.(this is standard). To me, that is the most extreme punishment a small kid should ever have to face. One time my stepdaughter did something that got her into a lot of trouble when she was nine, and time out was not going to get the message across sufficiently. So, we sent her outside to rake leaves for about four hours, most of the time she spent sitting in her leaf pile and crying. We checked on her every 20 minutes or so, brought her water, made her come inside to eat lunch, etc. she ended up filling like half of one trash bag, we weren’t trying to make her do forced labor as much as just get a point across that this is a big deal and she can’t do this(she made a YouTube channel without our knowledge and uploaded two videos, we found out within two days). Again, in our family, this is the most extreme punishment either of the kids has ever faced. Some people make their kids rake leaves every fall as one of their standard chores, so I didn’t feel like it was that bad. In my opinion, this is the kind of discipline or punishment that happens within a family where everybody actually loves each other. Nobody is invading anyone’s personal space, yes we are making them do things they don’t want to do, but that is parenthood to some extent. They don’t want to do homework or eat their vegetables, you have to find different strategies to motivate them besides threatening punishment.

I’m telling you all of this because when you grow up in a household like that, it can be hard to get a picture of what discipline looks like when the parent actually loves the child. Your dad sounds a lot like my dad. I ask myself what he would do in any parenting situation and do pretty much the opposite.

Anonuno999

10mo

I like that you use specific amounts of time. Not "when you're ready" or some other arbitrary thing that involves guessing what an adult wants, but something you can see on a clock.

Hatecookie

10mo

I did a lot of research about where my parents went wrong with me, and a huge part of it is that they did not have consistency. Everything was just kind of left up to how they felt in the moment. It wasn’t fair at all from my perspective, and it didn’t make sense that the rules would be different from day to day depending on how they felt. Another thing they messed up is that most of my punishment was being screamed at for an hour. Not time out, not being grounded, not chores, just a red faced adult yelling at me. We do not yell in my house. Unless it’s like, fun yelling at playtime, ya know.

I have the house rules posted in the dining room for all to see. They are essentially the rules of good sportsmanship with a couple of extras. It seems to be paying off, six years later.

Edit to add: being positive around kids is super hard sometimes when they struggle and act out, but it is the most important thing. Telling them “I believe in you!” can get them through so much.

[deleted]

10mo

That's sounds like psychological abuse to me.

hooulookinat

10mo

I received this. And more…

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10mo

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hotheadnchickn

10mo

Yes

jesus-aitch-christ

10mo

All that is definitely abuse.

redcon-1

10mo

Would it be acceptable to do to an adult?

No? Then why would it be more ok to do it to a child other than they probably won't be able to stop you.

Bam, abuse.

ssgonzalez11

10mo

Yes. My father used to do that ‘because it wouldn’t leave marks indicative of abuse’. Sorry that happened to you op.

raspberries1167

10mo

That sounds awful. And yes, I would consider those actions abusive. I’m so sorry you went through that.

Mermaidman93

10mo

Yes. It's abuse.

Anytime a caregiver intentionally dysregulates a child's nervous system, that is abuse.

Causing pain or terror does this. Doesn't matter how severe it is. The end result is the same. A dysregulated child experiencing disconnect. That sense of disconnection triggers the survival state. A state where kids cannot think, learn, grow, or become better. All it does is stimulate the fear response, which is the last thing a child should be receiving from.a caregiver.