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You're not alone in that. For me it was extreme people pleasing and undermining my own feelings. (Abuse warning) I matched the expectations of my abuser in a twisted way to bond/see their excitement over getting what they "needed": Fresh fuel for the fire and/or me acting in line with what they were trying to convince me I was (and they did convince me for a while). Please be kind to yourself about it, even if it is confusing. It does make sense, it's just hard to see right now. You're human just like everyone else and deserve care when you make mistakes
I „fought“ against the narcissist and made sure they know i know about them and how disgusted i am with their behavior and felt like everything is safe because i knew i could leave with my head up high and secure only to start to behave in a way that leaves the narcissist confused themselves because the way i behaved is in a way that leaves the narcissist not exposed but even as a good and sane person. Imagine starting to tell someone you are a pedophile because your intuition told you so so the narcissist gets the information and spreads rumors about you that you are a pedophile and feeling good about themselves that they are not fucked up as i am. How can you explain that? I never once in my life had any second guessing of my intrusive thoughts and never in my life even subconsiously thought about pedophilia. Never. Only for it to start attacking me and also make it feel like its actually true. This lead me to to go to the hospital. It does not add up.
I think it is kind of an inverted fight response. You are dealing with stress and it reminds you of situations where you were a target of physical violence so your first reaction is rage and the desire to do violence in turn, but you don't want to really hurt others in the present day because your conscience won't let you, and also the stress isn't really something you can punch, a person physically attacking you makes sense to fight against but how do you punch a deadline? Or a faceless technology company? So all that rage turns inward and you start calling yourself names. And if you are around other people you can let it slip how you're feeling about yourself, ie calling yourself worthless to a teacher or job supervisor when they talk with you about how to improve your work.
But all this is just adaptations to a bad situation that then become the default response for all stress because of how often you felt like you had to be strong and alert all the time to defend yourself and the fear of weakness of any kind making you a target again. It is like adjusting to college life after previously being involved with street gangs.
I told someone where i work and that my head tells me i am a pedophile and that i should die. I am not one and i dont know what made me identify with one. I mean identify with one and not identify with pocd. This is not who i am. I cant explain what happens to me.
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