Does anyone else just straight up avoid romantic relationships bc of your trauma?

I stopped dating about 8 years ago because I just got tired of the same cycle and didn't have the energy to keep trying to fix myself enough to be in another relationship. It gets lonely but that's less painful than being in another bad relationship. And I feel like I'm incapable of being in a good one.

ohh yes i feel this very much. i very much adore being "wanted"

it drives me more than actually being loved

having said that when i start getting feelings/attached to someone all hell breaks loose so theres something nice and safe about avoiding relationships with real potential

This had been my whole life. As a heterosexual female, I never had a boyfriend. Never had any kind of relationship or sexual experience of my own choice. When I was younger, I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted because i thought this was love. I didn't get it at home, so receiving attention from others was intoxicating. It was like I was putting on a performance to be accepted by the person who I am trying to get. Once I notice that they are mutually interested, I backed off. Actually, more like ran. It's like a switch goes off in me that says "ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!" I am not about the attention anymore but I still run from men. My trauma makes me fearful of men, and I tend to avoid them as much as possible.

Also, as a people pleaser, I notice that I gravitate towards users, abusers, narcissists, etc. Never want to put myself in that kind of situation again so being alone feels safer. Even though it sucks sometimes...

You aren't alone in your struggle OP. It's something that heals with time and giving ourselves grace. It's not easy but we will get there. 💛

Comes and goes.

I’m in a stretch of voluntary physical and emotional celibacy right now. I don’t have the energy to build and maintain a new relationship nor do I have the desire or energy to take that on that particular sort of risk right now.

I’ve occasionally hooked up with someone casually when I’ve previously been in periods like this because it is nice sometimes to have some physical affection without the baggage or commitment, but it’s not my normal thing.

Honestly, the physical intimacy aspect is less of an issue for me than the emotional intimacy. Like, casual hookups are less emotionally risky for me than even a deep platonic relationship.

Hard yes. I’m lonely but realized I just can’t risk anymore relationship trauma until I’ve processed what I’ve already accumulated. It’s an awful catch 22 to try to heal with no support. I feel a desperate need for some emotional support but every time I let myself be vulnerable enough to try I get hurt again and desperately regret the attempt. I might just be too broken.

Yes. The fear of being hurt is so high. I also feel scared of my desire for love, because in my last relationship it took over my own self preservation.

Yup. I’m 37. I’m choosing to be single and celibate until I die. I’m done.

Yes, my whole life. I was in my teens when, due to a combination of factors, I decided it the only moral thing I could do is to avoid romantic and sexual relationships entirely, because I don't believe I'm worth being loved and that I am a gross, ugly, possibly abusive thing and no one deserves that in their lives.

Yes. All of this. I want intimacy. And I can't get past all the red flags to find it.

Same. I also want to be loved and wanted but I am so scared because I don't want to get hurt anymore. I can't fix my trauma at present and I don't think I can take it anymore.

Nobody loved me ever. My abusive parents always treated me like a shit. My 'friends' bullied me in school. My teachers used to beat me. All I ever wanted to be loved by someone. I don't know why humans are so terrible. Why it is so hard to be kind?

Yes, I am too precious to risk another failed relationship.

Yes. I'm in my mid 30s and I have never been in a relationship. There are two reasons. First being lack of trust, I assume people would hurt me sooner or later, or in best case forget about me. Second reason is that I'm gay and not many people know about it. My family doesn't know. With my record of being abused, ridiculed and betrayed (not by my family, to be clear), I can't imagine telling them. My father often makes unpleasant comments about gay people. So here I am, lonely, living alone, no close friends. At least I developed an interesting personality, I guess.

Yeah, I think a good portion of us do. That's one of my biggest goals for healing. I'm working on it by following thais gibson and doing loving kindness meditation bc scientifically it helps

Ended my last mutually abusive relationship years ago. As much as I have been targeted and hurt, I’ve honestly done a lot of fucked up shit for many of the reasons you’ve described above. I was so convinced I was going to die a virgin because of how disgusting I found myself that I just absorbed any attention no matter who it came from and became the easy desperate girl. I also thought a lot of the time that emotional/intellectual connect was enough but learned the hard way repeatedly that it was something falsified and weaponized by unhealthy people.

But my main thing is that I don’t feel that I deserve forgiveness for what I’ve done. On top of just seeing the way people behave anyway, myself included. I don’t have the capacity for poly/open situations but I’ve also lost faith in legitimate monogamy. Come to terms with the fact that there’s no fairytale.

I genuinely cannot imagine being touched ever again, nor do I feel I’ll ever deserve it. The moment I feel the slightest desire for someone I shut it down and even actively push them away/insult them like the grade school bully stereotype. I’m truthfully just ashamed that part of me dared to be attracted to anyone and so I need them as far away from me as possible.

I struggle to even say my orientation at this point. I'm somewhere between asexual and traumatized.

I love being in a partnership. But now I realize I am just there to serve my partner. I don’t have any idea how to be in a relationship where I am not codependent or a happy person running a house and my partners life. It’s sad. I have a lot to give, too much.

I feel too damaged for romantic relationships. Hell friendship isn’t easy either. I don’t trust easily. I develop weird crushes on unavailable men that aren’t healthy. I work with people all day long and don’t have much social energy left over. The stress and anxiety of it all overwhelms me. I wouldn’t be a good partner. I have many things to entertain myself with. What I miss is having someone to do stuff with, but not enough to risk it. I think relationships are overrated anyway. I heard a therapist say on YouTube that you work through your childhood and parental crap with your romantic partner and I’m like oh hell no. I’ve had many married women tell me there really aren’t a lot of advantages to marriage. Life is about trade offs. I just wish people wouldn’t act like you’re a freak if you’re single and ok with it.

I don't think i can trust another human being. I had feelings for girls. I dont know if it's child like or butterflies or and excitement. Intense where i would feel that without this person i would not be able to live my life. It happens even now and the intensity is just as much. It scares me so much i avoid feeling the attraction I have. Worst is it's like a separate part of me. The normal part of me Is distrustful of people but when this part of me is awake. It feels like the only thing that matters in the world is here. Movies confused me a lot because they said that this is what's love.

I can't keep friendships let alone relationships because of trauma

Yes definitely. I don’t really trust easily and I seem to attract people that aren’t good for me.

Yeah. Never had a relationship and in late 20s everyone treats me like a freak and infantilizes me for it, even though the same people who treat me like a child turn around and come to me for relationship advice because they think I'm "level-headed". I'm not sure if I've avoided them explicitly, but it's just sort of happened due to a combination of being a workaholic and not meeting people who I thought were worth my time. Now everyone I meet is in a relationship and I've pretty much just given up even though I never really started trying. Plus, I am demisexual (hate the label, but it's the most concise way to describe it) which doesn't play nicely with my avoidance because I have to get to know someone really well before I even start to have feelings. Plus, it takes me a very, very long time to be able to trust people, I have to observe how they are in the world, how they treat people around them, how they treat service people, how they are in different situations, because in my mind if given enough observation time I will be able to spot red flags that someone is abusive (whether that's actually true or not I don't know). Unfortunately, because I'm a workaholic with barely any friends, the only people I've ever been around for long enough to develop trust & feelings are people I work with, and a lot of them have been in long term relationships or married, which just makes me hate myself.

I hear you on the modern "dating" culture. I won't even bother with dating apps, but it feels like there is no other choice in this world. It literally takes me months of getting to know someone before I can even become slightly physical with them (like, arm touching type physical, not even close to sex), and would have to build so much trust before I could even consider having sex with someone. Meanwhile the rest of society is busy swiping for hook-ups and if you aren't prepared to provide sexual gratification in the first three dates you're cast off. This is how I know I'm going to die a kissless virgin, lol. I too really just want a best friend, the people I've fallen hardest for have been those that I wasn't even particularly attracted to at first but turned out to be compatible in all of the important ways after getting to know them.

Yes, I’ve had so many women take advantage of me. It’s like it’ll start out great, but they begin to see what a weak broken people-pleaser I am and just try to drain me. I don’t want to be alone, but it’s getting difficult for me to trust anyone.

I recently started talking to someone again, and they were great until we started “dating” and it just reminded why I stopped. She nearly immediately started asking for money. I drive a 30 y/o car, I don’t dress fancy, I don’t know why anyone thinks I have money to spare like that.

Yep. People are always shocked when I reveal I never dated anyone in high school and I’m just like, you not knowing the half of it isn’t sufficient. You don’t know the 1/8,192 of it.

What the hell is a romantic relationship

Yes. Trust is the hardest mindset to adopt, I find.

I dated an abusive crazy woman who threatened suicide and homicide to control me for a few years

I walked in on my rebound from thst relationshil having sex with her cousin.

Haven't dated since. Kind of want ti get back out there but meh.

I have no opportunities for romantic relationships to even avoid

If I did have opportunities, I hope I wouldn't avoid them

Yeah, I’ve been overweight all of my life and I avoided relationships because once they get to know the real me, they would leave me.

Also I was saving my virginity for marriage but it seems impossible to do so since my parents got divorced when I was about 8 years old.

It's complicated.

My grandma was super overprotective of me growing up, because my mom had me as a teenager, and she was worried I'd end up like her, barefooted and pregnant. So she often preached "abstinence until marriage", which is a big load of BS.

I got picked on a lot because I was "too ugly", and none of the adults in my life did anything to stop it.

I got yelled at by my late grandpa when I showed an interest in boys, twice, which resulted in me not wanting to watch my favorite TV show from my childhood if he was home, because I had a crush on one of the characters.

I've been asked out as a joke in middle school, and stood up at a Valentine's Day dance in middle school.

My dad and stepmom gave me grief for not wanting to date anyone in high school, because at that point, I was more focused on getting my diploma and getting out of being legally required to go to a brick-and-mortar school.

I was also given grief for being a virgin, but I was also told by a relative that, "no one in their right mind wants to sleep with an autistic person. And the ones that do are sickos." (I am autistic.)

I was molested by a much older man when I was 18 at a park. I was wearing a frilly pink dress that my dad was making me wear as a punishment, because he knew that I despise the color pink.

I've been groomed by my ex on deviantArt, but broke up with him on amicable terms, because I don't want kids, and he does. He never really acted like he cared anyway. And my most recent ex-boyfriend dumped me for a drug addict.

So now I'm very hesitant to even be in any relationship, because I've been taken advantage of, emotionally abused, molested, persecuted, lied to, cheated on, and mistreated. And I'd rather die alone in a simple but nice house while being surrounded by the warm fur of 7 cats.

I did for 5 years! I remember the last guy I spoke to before deciding I was done. I refused to keep repeating the cycle with emotionally unavailable connections who treated me like an option/afterthought/like they were doing ME a favor. I met my current boyfriend after deciding to come out of healing isolation. The healthiest relationship I've been in. Both of us feel the way you do. We really wanted to get to know each other sans sex. There are people out there who are in alignment with you, I promise <3

Yes. Everything you've said I understand.

I have been in therapy for awhile and I thought I was ready to get out there again, once the new year started I told myself I wanted to try having a boyfriend. Two dating experiences this year so far and I'm done. Like you said, the culture of dating these days is heavily focused on sex. As well it seems like every time I try to date I'm triggered and stuff I thought I worked through, comes back up and so I end up having to take extra care of myself through it which makes it hard to get to know someone and yeah -see red flags.

It's only May and I give up lol I think I won't be able to find someone who can allow me to feel safe with and be the friend I need anyway.

As much as I crave to be desired and loved....it just feels safer to avoid putting myself out there. Dating is hard enough but dating when you have so much trauma makes it even harder.

I swore I would never subject someone to my psyche. I knew it was damaged beyond repair, even though at that age I had no idea how mental health worked.

I knew that I had seen, heard and experienced things that would make it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with another person, that I would always be consumed with memories and stress and bad perceptions. I also knew that I was poorly socialized and not good at dating, having fun, expressing emotions and doing anything that didn't involve video games and escapism.

I'm in my mid-40's now, been married more than half that time. Life never goes as planned.

Yes, it fucking sucked how much shit I put her through. But the thing about love, is that while it can't cure shit by itself like so many people seem to believe, it does mean that someone doesn't want to give up easily on you.

We have worked through most of my issues, she stuck with me and we're still plowing through life.

It's still hard though because I am always having problems.

Yes.

I think I get it and you want someone you can confide in who will always be confidential. Seems like most everybody wants to blab about everything so nothing is confidential

Yup. As a 24F who also struggles with BPD, casual relationships/hookups are really the extent of what I can manage in the romantic realm. When I was younger and more naive, I thought of having a partner and a family one day. But I realize now, with many failed and traumatizing relationships and encounters under my belt, it’s better for me and everyone else if I abstain.

Same. Every single word applies.

Add in the culturally conservative religious guilt and purity culture as well in my experience. My traumas, guilts, regrets, failures and fears made me discover that I'm gray-aroace and prefer to be alone to the point of silent reclusion as it's the only way I'm at peace and feel sane, safe and secure.

If I'd be in a potential relationship, I'd rather be in a living apart together platonic companionship/companionate one to avoid hurting and getting hurt and to have our own personal spaces and boundaries.

After I went through an incalculable amount of trauma and everyone turned their back on me, I stopped caring about sex and romantic relationships and focused my energy on better understanding how they inflicted that trauma on me. As a result, I feel unlovable because despite how poorly I was treated, no one bothered to recognize or care about it. So, I decided that the amount of trauma I experienced crossed the wtf threshold that the public would have and that going public and sharing my story is my best course of action. I may not be perfect but I am real. And with regards to the situation, my behavior is about as perfect as it possibly could have been.

I'm there now. I've had a couple partners treat me well but it wasn't a great fit either. Most of my dates/interests/partners don't really treat me well

It's very hard to find someone who is both sensitive to the emotions of others AND can carry their own baggage without needing to lean hard on a partner

i’m starting to think I might be asexual… even when I was in a long term relationship it felt like I liked/loved her more as a best friend than a girlfriend, and i wasn’t interested in sex at all. dating also brought up so much and was so triggering i am reevaluating whether it is worth it at all

Yeah, I think I gave up. 16 years of emotional abuse from two partners, plus the neglect & other shit from my parents. Just can’t see any reason for trying again. Maybe one day I’ll want to. Tbh I’m pretty dissociated and not functional anyway.

Oh my gosh, if you don't mind, I'd like to take this as an opportunity to vent about something that's been heavy on my mind for a hot minute.

Im gonna try not to trauma dump, lol!

Firstly, absolutely, yes. Avoiding! My brain is buzzing, I don't know where to start. You mentioned wanting to be wanted. Yes ! For the longest time growing up, I just knew I was ugly and no one would ever want me. I remember it was a confidence boost (for my unhealed version) when I experienced firsthand I'd probably always be able to find someone to sleep with me (some people aren't picky who they sleep with....).

Sleep with me. Not love me. Not care about me. Use my body.

I remember the first time I laid in bed with a guy and made out. I'm not sure what flooded my body, but my hands and feet and face went tingly and then numb and the breath entering me made my entire body feel like ice. I was so shocked and startled by it, I had a panic attack! The guy was actually one of the sweetest guys I've come across and comforted me. We never did anything past that. I hope he's doing well. My private experiences only go down from here.

I guess this is an appropriate time to add that since then, I've been used, abused, discarded, lied to, manipulated. I'm no saint, I played terrible parts, too. I stayed single for a few years and was happy. Then the latest setback. I did everything right. I was healed (so I thought) and ready. I gave my 110%. What I received in return was lies. And herpes. Yay me. I thought I had been healed, but that last one showed me (what feels like) the last stretch of work I needed to do.

Now, the part that has been weighing heavy on me: I realized I never actually truly wanted to have sex. Outside of relationships, I thought it was the only way to get the physical touch I so badly needed after a life of very little physical affection. In relationships, I thought it was just what I needed to do to keep my partners happy so they don't stray or look at other women (hint: if they're perverts to begin with, they're going to continue being perverts no matter how much you give them).

I've only ever wanted companionship. But never felt worthy enough ? Idk. I'm trying to avoid triggers right now but my mind sometimes wanders to remembering all of the heinous things that have been done to me in the bedroom.... heinous. I wish i had stayed celibate. My heart breaks. (Editing here to add: And can't forget all of the money I've spent on birth control over the decade, all of the adverse health side effects, doctors visits for BV, the herpes, the malasma that now resides permanently on my face from hormonal birth control, and the monetary and emotional cost of having 2 failed birth control incidents 💔 all because I never realized the societal pressure I somehow picked up that convinced me I had to put out to be wanted or "kept".)

Communities like this have helped me a ton. I have to say, though, it's been the TikTok algorithm and being in TherapyTok and seeing relationships that look similarly to what I'd like.... that has helped immensely. Like, I have driven away most of my friends, they're all decent people, but even their relationships nothing like what I'd want. So, I haven't seen many relationships/dynamics that I'm comfortable with modeled for me in person. So, I see them exist for others over the internet and it's really helped me set healthy green flags and bare minimums that I'm comfortable with in case anyone wants to step up to that plate; things that I didn't even know I were possible to find in a partner! (Remember now, I've had a lot of bad luck so... this is me picking the bar off the floor.)

All that to say.... I can't tell if I've always been asexual, or it's because I'm traumatized... but I find a lot of comfort coming across asexuality and thinking maybe I'm not asking too much to have a partner that also isn't interested in that, but more spending time together and cherishing each other.

But for now, yes, avoiding, but with a glint of hope a comfortable relationship is still possible for me someday. In the meantime, I have work, school, cats, and like 3 hobbies to keep me sustained 😹💛

Love to every single one of you wonderful, forced to be strong, hurting, lovely warriors in here 💛

I stopped 3 years ago and at this point I am okay with being single. My brain makes me terrified of anyone who I could potentially hurt me.

Reading your posts makes me wish I could have held and loved all of you on your darkest days. You are loved by every one of us here. I hope you feel seen and comforted as I have in this group.

Sharing a bit of my own because seeing all yours gives me that nudge to make space for myself.

Looking at people in love used to feel so weird growing up. I felt I was too broken to love and thought that people who grew up in functional households could only know love. My parents certainly didn’t seem in love. I grew up groomed by one parent while the other had physically abused me. That fucked with me when it came to love. How could it not haha

I went through a lot of stupid relationships with the mindset that I had to pull through for them. I was always thinking of the other persons needs even if it meant sinking myself. I used to wonder why I attracted people who couldn’t give a damn about me before it finally dawned that how could I choose healthy relationships when I’d only known dysfunctional ones.

Fucking childhood again! I blame generational trauma, wars and the division between all of us for the dumbest shit making lonely sad people. I just want to be happy and I hope getting help for myself can coexist with loving the person I’m with now.

Yes. Very much so. My long term goal is to end up in a mutually respectful, safe, monogamous LTR. But of course I’m avoidant/anxious, and it’s been so long since I’ve dated (10+ years)—and the last person I was involved with was abusive. I’ve talked myself out of dating for years now, telling myself that no one would want to date a loser who lives with her elderly mother and whose professional career stalled a decade ago. To make matters worse, I suffer from compulsive skin-picking, and my body is covered in scars that make me ashamed and self-conscious—I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone because of my scars. I sought help with skin-picking from a trauma therapist, who actually told me that I “needed the outlet” of skin picking and redirected our therapy to encouraging me to socialize and date. Friends and acquaintances often mention why I don’t date and I have zero emotional bandwidth for even trying to explain myself to them.

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You could date asexual people. They wouldn't complain about that a bit

I identified as aromantic until I was 23 and genuinely believed I was because I was traumatized to an extent that it made me want to avoid people completely.

I've been able to get a relationship exactly once in my life (I'm in my 30s fyi), and I was so fucking scared the whole time that it ended up ending in 3 months. I'm the exact opposite, and am incapable of getting attached to people.

All the time.

I had been abstinent and asexual for 5 years when I last started dating. I wanted to re-engage my sexuality, but it was difficult. In the past I had had friends or lovers, but hadn’t been able to engage in relationships that were both.

So when I re-engaged dating, I was clear that I was looking for friendship and that chemistry was only an extra. I only met for walks, so there was a shared experience in nature (where I feel safest and most authentic) and I did not mask AT ALL. I was honest about myself. I’m a strange bird, not neurotypical. It was pretty clear who was interested in getting to know me and could embrace me as myself, vs those that wanted less depth.

Good luck. I found my person (on bumble) and married him.

I feel this. I went from being a sex addict to being celibate and now to a fear of intimacy. Would really like a partner but I'm so in my head about things idk how to even go about it.

I am with you. Next month, I'll be a year as a single woman, and I am fine with that. I used to be hypersexual, too. Now, I'm not. I like sleeping alone. I don't trust anyone, so I won't sleep with anyone. I go on dates once in a great while - every few weeks but sometimes less. I always realize I'm not interested. The guys will fall over themselves, trying to impress me with lies, promises, etc. They always touch me without consent, and then I pull away from said touch, and I can see the offense on their face. All they want is access to my body, and I don't give that, and I don't go on second dates.

Yup. I found my judgement sucks, kept pushing the good ones away and became a people-pleasing vortex for the abusers in the world. Being mainly celibate has also allowed me to watch, often with fascination, those people who intensively pursue me and all the cliched techniques they use…got to the point last Saturday with a “friend” who’d flipped the “I want you switch” that they got offended when I pointed out they were using excessive flattery, financial entrapment and love bombing to try and woo me, much like a paedo…they took offense and then realised it was true. Fascinating.

Just that “romance” gave me three days of intense disassociation though. Healthy eating, outdoors, swimming, true friends and making my kids happy is far more rewarding.

I totally understand this, but I am super ok with being alone. I was severely abused as a child. (physical, verbal and sexual). Because of it; I have a very warped idea of what love is. I have been in therapy for years and it really opened my eyes to realize that a relationship/dating is not something I desire or want. I don't even want casual hookups. My ability to identify safe and good people doesn't work and I am working on it. I even have come to the realization that when a "safe" person or situation comes my way I freak out so bad and I am scared to death. Safety is terrifying for those who don't know what safety truly is. I just can't imagine what true consistency of safety and happiness feels like. I can fantasize about it and have an idea, but to truly know it is such unknown territory that I wouldn't know what to do with it and I feel like I would ruin it terribly. Also just the thought of any red flag or trigger that pops up immediately strays me away from anyone since I have been hurt so bad in my past. I have zero trust in myself that I would choose the right person.

Since starting therapy; I have been recovering a lot of my memory and I have THE WORST flashbacks and memories that will pop up that I have no control over. Sometimes they send me into full panic attack or scream or recoil in agony or I will literally pass out. I don't know if I would want to bring another human being into that and ask them to have the patience for all of that.

Being alone is so much easier and I don't have to explain myself. Also, just thinking of another person's needs sounds exhausting right now, because I am barely surviving on my own as it is.

I just don't want to bring someone into my world of shit sometimes haha

Yes I go back and forth between hyper and avoiding all together as well.

but currently I’ve got myself in a sort of situationship… so that’s fun lol.

I’m having a hard time because I want to experience all there is to life, ie feel all the emotions too, but it’s hard when you’ve avoided them / repressed them your whole life. It’s really conflicting for me and probs better to just wait it out if u dkwhat/who u want to keep the “being used” feeling at bay

Ooooooooooof this is relatable

W-O-W. How did you get in my head?

This has been EXACTLY my experience, from the first paragraph to the last. Your specific desires and experiences mimic my own.

Hypersexuality.
Feeling "wanted". Crave sexual attention.

Now being turned off to intimacy, being taken advantage of, want a partner (spend time, have connection, mutual support, best friend).

IF and when I choose to spend time with anyone, I view and call it "hanging out"...not date/dating. Less pressure, less commitment to the possibility of a romantic relationship, etc. Lately, for some time, I haven't even done that.

At this point, I can offer no advice, only solidarity.

I got neglected by my mother who was very push pull with me that fucked me up in ways I can't put words to. And physically abused by my sister. I struggle to even have emotions when I'm around women. So expressing myself is nigh on impossible. I know I have a lot of love to give so the relationships I have had have had no regard for any emotional needs I might have and it's left me pouring myself out and becoming inexpressible angry hurt and resentful. And I've got to be real, I can't go around building resentment to people in case something might happen. I thought therapy would help. I've worked hard at it and done it with the unthinkable, by going to women psychologists and tried to work on feeling vulnerable around them but it's been spotty at best.

I feel this through and through. Said multiple times "I don't want a relationship, I don't date. " always felt like my baggage was too much for anyone else to hear about let alone handle.

Yes to a degree; I’ve always been very avoidant of deep, genuinely vulnerable relationships and only did well when I kept myself and my past guarded. Now that I’ve been married for a decade and have been actively working on my trauma, I’m so much closer to my husband but I am so anxious about physical intimacy. I used to use sex to feel wanted and am finding it hard to integrate both aspects of intimacy into our romantic relationship. He’s been very supportive but I feel awful that I shy away from sex so often.

Yes

When I was at my worst I barely left my room for months at a time. As a kid I was generally shunned by everyone around me and had low enough self esteem to be constantly reminding myself why. Being just medically/physically fucked up didn't help either.

It's hard enough getting women to notice you as a guy, it's even harder when you're a pariah in youth and mentally ill recluse in adulthood. Getting the courage to engage in any sort of social situation takes a lot of energy, that kind of social situation is just terrifying. It's so alien to me most of the time I just find myself getting terrified and depressed whenever I try. I've ghosted totally nice people just because I couldn't handle all those conflicting feelings.

I think for me the biggest thing is I just can't imagine somebody loving me or me making somebody else happy. Never mind being physically attracted to me. You ever see that meme of a guy having sex with a speech bubble over his head or something that says "No way she's into me, I'm just imagining it". That's not a joke, I actually do that.

On the plus side I can make somebody cum while having a panic attack. I guess that's cool. What was this thread about again?

I run a lot.

But now I fear sex and relationships all together. I just can’t do it anymore. One becaus I’m afraid but two is because I am trying to make a conscious effort of the type of relationships I engage in. I don’t think I could allow myself to be intimate ever again because people have taken advantage of that in the past a lot.

Are you me

Really what I want out of a relationship is to have a best friend, someone who I can spend time with, confide in, do things I enjoy,

I said something similar to my (I and my trusted circle suspect norcissistic (happy automod?)) ex. She replied something along the lines of "your romantic partner isn't supposed to be your friend" and I was really confused, like what else are they supposed to be if not your best friend? At least in terms of trust, camaraderie and engaging with each other in good faith. Seriously asking, are there people here who see it differently?

Hello! I am trying to collect data for my research class. I developed a scale based survey that is essentially analyzing the correlation between childhood trauma and intimate relationships. This survey is completely anonymous and I would greatly appreciate the participation!!  

https://forms.gle/AG8eWieydFaq6Ts7A

I've had 2 healthy relationships and the rest was just abusive / toxic ones with guys manipulating me. From which thankfully I ran. I would love to find a healthy partner again but no idea how to go about it.

Partly because I am so scared of just attracting the wrong person once again. In spite of all the healing and work on myself I've done, I am still a magnet for them. Last year I met the worst one until now and that even scared me off more.

No clue if I would be capable of a healthy one, I think I am with the right person and would like to try but I don't meet anybody like that.

I do now

I definitely dont feel comfortable for long in Romanic relationships. I don't yet avoid them instead I well I feel sick when attachment comes along n that causes me too much destress. It's okay just wanting companionship, find someone who values this too

I'm attracted to abusers ig, so I stopped dating around 6 years ago - I thought I would miss it, but I really don't

It has definitely been a struggle. Expectations on what a relationship should be but seeing my parents constantly fighting and my fathers physical abuse and tantrums really messed me up. Dealing with mentally abusive partners (that were men) messed me up. But then I learned about compulsory heterosexuality, and I realized I was always bi. But, I have always found more comfort and safety in being with women. Being alone with men (unless they're trans men) is just not safe for me anymore due to all the trauma of my past.

For a while I felt like I was broken and I had some men who claimed they were friends even tell me "wow that's not normal, someone really hurt you! You don't have to live that way! Not all men! I'll treat you right!" But I realized... forget those men. Fuck that shit. I have no desire to get over that because it is too stressful and every interaction takes too much energy. Nearly every man in my life has hurt me, I don't see myself being intimate with them anymore. Society has told women to fix that and that it's wrong to be that way but I simply don't care?! Yes I identify as lesbian. There doesn't have to be a sole reason why I do. I feel more intimately and sexually safe and connected to women. And yes it's due to my past trauma. So I will own that and be who I am and just be happy.

Yup. I have come to feel like there’s no finding anyone in today’s society who doesn’t just want someone who will feed their ego. But I’m done with that game. I love myself.

I definitely can relate wholeheartedly, it’s like I can’t trust myself to choose a nice partner and now my boundaries are way high. I just don’t want to go through it all when now I’m on my own with health problems and I can’t be arsed to think of another person. I definitely had my fair share of traumatic experiences that I now know to give a wide berth.

Yep, the irony is whenever I try to “put myself out there” I just get reminded how people abandoned me or they simply didn’t like me back. I gave up on trying because I couldn’t even get a mutual attraction with anyone, to the point no one has ever cared to take me out etc. I dont get crushes or romantic attraction as much anyways last one was when I was 13 I’m turning 20 next month

I’m not single but o could see myself having those issues. When I was single I always wanted something serious not just good times. So I passed on some.

But in my case I need constant reassurance. Sex to me says it’s ok I’m wanted. I dunno if that’s healthy. If I don’t feel like anted for a day or 2 I go downhill. I eventually just kinda shut it off so I don’t have to feel like I’m being starved of attention.

I dunno what a healthy level of reassurance from a partner should look like but I know I require more then the next probably.

I have no idea if it’s related to my youth and abuse or not.

I did loose a friend in an incredibly traumatic way once and decades later I fixed that and noticed less anxiety in all my other friendships etc. so it’s possible I need that reassurance because I lost someone.

I’m not sure

My wife was verbally/emotionally abusive and sexually/financially manipulative. I couldn't find the courage to leave because I'm an emotionally damaged empath/rescuer. She now is into year two of Alzheimer's, with me as her caregiver.

When she's out of my life, I just want hookups, no gf. I've been starved for intimacy for 14 years. I don't want to continue living as I am until I die.

Yessir!

Yes!! Your post looks like something I may have written myself

Celibate/not dating either for almost 2 years now because I have consistently chosen the worst people on the planet