Sometimes I can't help but be in disbelief about being "liked" as a person, I feel as if I were meant to be disliked or meant to be a villain. Relationships and friendships are extremely hard to maintain due to the distrust I have for others, and my inability to accept things at face value.
Thank you all for letting me vent a little, this is my first reddit post.
Ugh thank you for sharing this resonates with me too and it is exhausting fuck
how we present versions of ourselves that are more likeable, acceptable, reasonable, whatever.
I think this definitely a survival adaptation. In addition, I think the seeds of this behavior were learned from our abusive parents.
We watched them moving through the world putting on a cheerful, normal face, pretending to be regular people that would nevertheless behave outrageously when alone with us.
We didn't learn to become abusive people (rather, we usually commit to the opposite), but we did absorb an even more basic lesson from watching them: we can manipulate the way people see us using lies, falsehood.
It is hard to un-learn this instinct, but my triggers let me know when it is happening at least, lol.
Yes absolutely. It helps to remind myself they would not be interacting with me or having a relationship with me if they did not want to. My friends treat me with kindness and that is a choice they are actively making. You are definitely not born to be disliked, as hard as that can be to accept!
does your brain ever try to convince you that your friends are "pitying" you?
Yes and I hate this feeling so muchā¦ sometimes I think people around me do either want me to do a favor for them or they just feel pity and that this is the only reason why they are around me., To me itās very hard to understand that my wife calls many people around us to be a our ā friendsā. I do have one friend since my teens. Thatās it and that will probably be the only one for my entire life. however, itās very important that we do realize that we do not have to trust our thoughts. The thought ā I am not lovableā is a thought nothing more, and nothing less. Sometimes it helps meet to reword it like this: ā I have the thought not to be lovableā we have to remind ourselves, that we are valuable and lovable, no matter how others have treated us during our entire life.
Yea, absolutely. Itās the curse of the trauma brain. But for me, usually the friendships start before I ever open up about my trauma, so I try to remind myself they chose to be my friend before they knew, and the continue to choose to be my friend after the fact too. I also try to think about all the people Iāve loved, despite their traumas, as it was never a factor. If it is possible for me, then itās possible for others too. I have yet to find that Iāve had an experience that no one else can relate to.
100%. Someone could write me the warmest text but then if I make the smallest "social mistake" I think they are never going to speak to me again, are disgusted by me, see me as the monster I really am, etc.
When am I gonna be found out.
This is me to a T. Iāve even had friends tell me Iām stuck with them forever yet I make one social faux pas and Iām like, this is it, this is when theyāve had enough.
I never trust anyone unfortunately. I used to think people hung out with me to be nice. Still kinda do.
Let me put it this way; I recently let it slip that I genuinely kind of think nobody would show up to my funeral other than my immediate family, and the people I was hanging out with and have known for like 15-20 years reacted like it was the dumbest thing to ever come out of my mouth by far. They weren't mean about it, just shocked because supposedly I'm well liked in my community. I honestly try not to think about the possibility that people might actually like me; I've instead tried to just assume they never could and adopt some somber and weird, almost calvinist, view that I ought to be the kind of person I wish I deserved because I want others to be happy.
I kind of think people just simply tolerate me rather than like me. It's easier to handle feeling alone than it is to handle the fear and uncertainty about losing someone you let yourself believe will be there for you. I'm trying to change this habit. I'm trying to accept that what I hope for in life is not too much but is in fact too little, that I could deserve the privilege of having what many others consider the bare minimum. I mean, shit, all I really want is someone to cuddle with and take naps with and alternate spoons with lol.
Iāve been struggling with this a lot lately and honestly just want to retreat/isolate completely.
Itās a many layered issue. The fact that I was so rejected so severely on all sides when I was young has really solidified the idea that thereās something āwrongā with me, and Iāve come to hate myself a lot because of it. Iām also more aware now of unhealthy patterns I have in relationships, including ghosting or torpedoing relationships, past efforts to manipulate or control the situation so I wouldnāt feel abandoned or lose someone, very poor to non-existent communication and constantly being a fake version of myself to try to keep others around.
It all adds up to me not trusting others, or myself. I have a hard time processing any good/positive emotions, so I donāt know that I know what it is to love someone. I see myself as this awful inhuman thing and canāt believe that anyone would genuinely want anything to do with me. It feels like thereās always a wall between and everyone else no matter how hard I try to knock it down.
Yes, it's really something that I hate. In my case, I always have the thought that they're just using me or they're only keeping me because I have something that they need. This highly affects all my relationships. I tend to please people too much because I feel the need to do so or else they'll leave me. On the other side despite how healthy some of my relationships are I tend to disassociate or distance myself because I tend to think that they don't really like me and are just using me. Because of this it's hard for me to value not only myself but also the ppl around me.
Anytime I get close to somebody I have an irrational thought to kill them or punch them or hurt them. I think it comes from childhood where my culture told me that my family was going to protect me and have a relationship with me, but all they wanted to do was use me and gas light me. That made me think that all humans are like that
thank you for commenting. i have such a visceral reaction to betrayal that I go full unhinged mode, the homicidal panic is so weird to experience sometimes
I just donāt want to be perceived at all.
Yes! "I just don't want to be perceived at all." It's a crippling feeling. When I am around a large group of people, I get this feeling that they are all staring at me and judging me. And being triggered from that creates this feeling of rage. Like I want to yell and explode at everyone who could be looking my way. And I want to run away and curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out and never be looked at again. And say something like, "How DARE you look at me and judge me? You don't know what I've gone through. I didn't just randomly get this freak-like and ugly and socially awkward for no reason!"
I want to be able to exist without people making comments to, or about, me. Or about my only slightly different behavior.
Laughing at my affect not my jokes, or back handed compliments on my looks.
Negative and positive attention are horrifying and uncomfortable.
They feel fake and manipulative to me. Every time someone irl texts me or wants my attention in some way, I feel absolutely suffocated and I panic that they won't leave me alone. So it can be hours before I respond. In fact, I'm doing it right now - I've heard the texts piling up, and I don't even want to look at my phone, I don't even know where it is honestly.
Literally.
One of the people texting me moved away and if she had her way we'd text constantly - but we have nothing to talk about. Our lives have completely changed and we've totally drifted apart. We only really used to talk because we had the same hobby group, and that's been over for almost a year.
But if I don't respond - or don't text 'enough' - I start getting shitty texts like "Why aren't you speaking to me?" God it annoys me, I feel like I have to drop everything and force myself to talk about absolutely nothing. But I only feel this way with people I know irl.
Personally I don't think she has any other friends, and I don't think she's too happy with her current guy, and that's why she's clinging on for dear life. I don't know. Or, like you say, I don't really care. This is someone who has near zero presence or impact in my life anymore.
Should I care? Is that what normal people do, they just cling onto others forever and ever and ever? That question keeps me going in it, like what if I eventually regret letting contact just die?
i haven't unraveled this yet. i never took friendships/relationships seriously. whenever i started a new school making friends was a priority for me, but i always saw people as temporary. i think i was afraid to not have friends. since i saw people as temporary i wasn't too picky about the people that i hung out with. i also didn't make any effort to maintain the friendships after we stopped being in the same class or school. i'm still acquainted with people from the past, but only because they reached out to me to reconnect. i don't have social media.
also, i used friendships/relationships to dissociate because i didn't really like being by myself and people were entertainment. so for example, when my hs friends got busy with internships i got a boyfriend because it was easier than making new friends. i always ensured that my bfs were popular, so i was "in" a large group instantly. the only thing was i never actually liked my bfs. they were something to occupy my time until they weren't. same with friends.
so yes, friendships/relationships are fake for me because i don't actually know how to bond with people. this strategy worked when i was in school/early adulthood, but it doesn't work as an adult because adults can tell that there's nothing deep about me and that i'm selfish. i don't know how to be a good friend.
I have the same problem. It's so frustrating because I get lonely and I want friends.
Yes absolutely holy shit i have a crush right now I think might like me back and I canāt stop thinking this is fake they canāt possibly actually like me its probably just pity because I shared that Iāve been dissociating with them a few days ago
I've always related this feeling to not liking myself or having to hide myself to survive. It's like why do you like me as a person when the real person is a self loathing, deeply in pain person who is just trying to survive. What is there to like?
Lately I've tried just not allowing that thought to be there and have realized it was just my reflection and allowing old coping strategies to dominate the new existence. It doesn't have to be that way is what I tell myself.
I'm always worried I'll be "found out" that everyone will see I'm not a good friend and that I'll never be able to be there for them and they need to find someone better.
Feeling this way makes me wanna stop talking to everyone and sometimes I do because I think they're better off and they'll forget me soon enough, since like I said I'm not a good friend. I'm always genuinely surprised when I'm told I am a good friend because I constantly feel like a fake.
Because of all of this I try really hard to be there and be present which leads to months long isolation periods and constant mental and physical exhaustion.
Almost always. I also feel like my bar for friendship seems much higher than other peopleā¦ it takes a lot to be able to consider someone a friend.
I have a few friendships that donāt feel hollow, but they are ones formed when I was a teenager. Iāve not made what I would describe as a friendship since being an adult
I wish I could explain this to my partner better. Regardless of how much I get to know a 'friend' they don't feel real to me. I grew up neglected and isolated and wasn't allowed to spend a lot of time outside, definitely couldn't spend it alone with friends... so i never learned how, and now as an adult I really struggle to connect
They used to! But not anymore.
Always.
I feel this way but it has nothing to do with being liked as that's not a concern for me. But I tend to feel like relationships and friendships feel fake in the sense that people only want to be close to you if you have something they want or as long as they are getting what they want. I always feel like people will show their ugly side sooner or later, it's just a matter of when.
me
All of them. All the time. I have become a well-loved leader at the store I manage and have to bite my tongue regularly to avoid musing out loud about how crazy it is that they even like me muchless consider me a leader. Even my marriage is sometimes a crazy thing to think about. Sometimes I'll see my reflection when I'm a mess and then spend the next hour wondering how my husband ever finds me attractive when he's seen the mess version too. It's been increasingly less frequent with nearly a year of therapy but it still pops up sometimes.
Everything feels like a simulation
Every single one. The stat of friendships are fine and everyone moves into old friend territory too fast. We're friends, I like you, don't call me.
Relationships rarely feel real to me. I feel so unlikeable, I question others intentions, and worry that if they ever get close enough to see the āreal meā they will want nothing to do with me
Yes
This is the story of my life and many conflicts however also supported by narcissistic abuser that financially targetted me while I couldnāt walk telling me all of my inner doubts were true and everyone hated me.
Absolutely. In my head Iām the monster; How could anyone genuinely want me?
I think it's a mix of them
It's a mix of self-sabotage and truth in that the friendships and relationships you have and attract are shallow, with people that don't really understand you.
You have no idea... Over the past few years I have been trying hard to be more nice to the people who come into my life. Its not that ive been mean to them but just like you said, I have had a hard time believing they welcomed me as a friend so I just have an underlying distrust in them. In addition, as I have started to befriend more "adults" and especially my fellow college classmates its been hard to distinguish we is my friend who is just being friendly.
If anyone knows where I can get more info on this please let me know...
Same
I feel this all the time, 24/7, ever since 12 when the symptoms of neglect began appearing in my life. My teenage years were filled with existential loneliness. I guess I figured I'd be ridiculed for being myself so I learned to wear a mask at all times. I had "friends" around for the most part but those relationships were so hollow and I felt constantly misunderstood and lonely because obviously, they only liked me for who I was pretending to be. I used this tactic so much that it almost fully blended with my real persona, then I began having huge identity issues. Fast forward to my late teenage years, symptoms worsened and I genuinely had troubles pretending I'm someone else anymore. I guess it was my ego's way of taking revenge on myself. I began isolating more and more until people all around me began gossiping behind my back about "how weird and creepy I am" wondering if I have some kind of issues at home or in the head... Since I had very low self esteem, hearing those rumors hurt me deeply. I would disassociate so much more and visibly look lost when interacting with others which only worsened everything. To put it bluntly, I was the class creep no one wanted and it was unlikely anything I would do from that point forward could erase the label.
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Iāve been thinking a lot lately about this idea of āfalse selvesā ā how we present versions of ourselves that are more likeable, acceptable, reasonable, whatever. Of course thatās something you might learn when younger to survive, the trouble is when youāve been doing it so long you donāt even know itās faking anymore. Or maybe you do know I guess, but you donāt know how not to do it.
Thatās one reason I think relationships can feel āfakeā to me. Itās like I know so well how to be put on a role, itās hard for me to not guess that other people are doing it too. And the thing is, they might be, but thereās a good chance theyāre not. Thatās just my own brain projecting this idea