Anxiety burns all your cognitive energy, it's no wonder you can't think!

Almost a year and a half ago, I finally got my anxiety under control, through a mixture of therapy and medication. Since then, I've learned a few hobbies, I've started cooking every day, I shower and brush my teeth regularly, and I've even watched all my favorite TV series over again - realizing I don't remember ANY of what happened in them.

I'm not bragging. I was 37 years old when this happened. But since then, I've really thought a lot about cognitive energy and space, and just how much of that is just drained and depleted when you're anxious and afraid all the time.

My biggest realization through all of this, is that I wasn't an awful person. I didn't have some innate character flaw keeping me from being able to remember the simplest of self care routines, but rather, anxiety stripped that away from me.

If you're reading this, and you feel like you're just not capable, like you're a fundamentally lost cause, I just want to offer you a tiny sliver of hope. Hope is something I wish I had, back when I was slogging through my healing journey, back when I thought trauma was my entire identity. I just needed help.

Please don't give up. Give yourself a chance to heal, because you deserve it. Give yourself a chance to heal because there is a YOU underneath all that baggage. I didn't meet Me until last year, at 37 years old, and I'm so thankful I survived long enough to find myself.

And even if you don't believe anything I just said, give yourself a chance to spite those who tried to destroy you, by untangling yourself from the web of lies they used to control and manipulate you. They deserve nothing, but you deserve to extricate yourself from their abusive fingers.

You are so much more than what was done to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

in CPTSDby ElishaAlisonU R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

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100%

1.4y

103

1.4y

THAT’S IT! It explains why I can’t get anything done, and my husband can’t understand why. It doesn’t help that I can’t sleep.

OP

59

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Right? It's wild, it impacts you down to a cellular level. I used to have sleep problems too, which of course just made my anxiety worse. It's such a vicious cycle

18

1.4y

Are you me?? I feel exactly the same way. Very little sleep plus the exhaustion of being anxious is not a good combination. If I have a really bad anxiety attack, it can make me feel debilitated and exhausted for DAYS.

Tumbleweed-of-doom

69

1.4y

Yes! I was on the edge of losing my job and thought I was going mad because I couldn't do the simplest thing right, I couldn't trust myself to add two small numbers together in my head when I have done university level math.

When a combo of realization on my part and a removal of an external stressor combined last year, things started to come back into focus. I was no longer a screw-up at work and could be productive and curious again. I might even be able to have hobbies again.

Anxiety stole all this from me for years.

OP

22

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I know exactly how you feel. It's so strange now, because I've only had the ability to think for a short while. Like, I mean, the difference is so radical, every aspect of my life has changed, just by getting my anxiety under control.

I thought I was stupid. Like, honestly. Now I wonder what I could learn, now that I can actually process information and store it. (This made me giggle a bit. Like my brain was a hard drive in deep need of a defrag)

Tumbleweed-of-doom

18

1.4y

Yup, logical info storage and suddenly your memory becomes useful for recalling something other than past humiliations.

I tried some anti anxiety medication once, I honestly got a week's worth of work done in a morning and was looking for more.

How can you expect to process trauma when your brain can barely process the recipe for a sandwich.

OP

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U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Right? Most of my biggest breakthroughs came after my anxiety got under control. I was finally able to look back over the expanse of my life and not feel like I was about to fall off a cliff.

I hope you can get access to those meds again. They really help, and once that initial feeling of wanting to do all the things wears off, it feels great. Like, there's more hours in a day. And boredom. Boredom feels great when it's the first time you've ever experienced it 😅

BigDaddy_Vladdy

49

We can heal!

1.4y

So well written and heartfelt! Thank you for writing this, you give me hope that maybe there's a smart person worthy if love and adoration under all the bullshit that's been piled onto me over the decades.

OP

30

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I know how you feel. I thought I was just stupid, like genetically stupid. It made me feel so bad about myself 😞

I just want to say, I promise you're worthy of love and admiration, even now, even though you don't feel like it. You're more amazing that you can fathom ❤️❤️❤️

6

1.4y

maybe there's a smart person worthy if love and adoration under all the bullshit

Not "maybe"! I know I can't convince you of that, but I hope you'll just believe it and risk being wrong.

BigDaddy_Vladdy

2

We can heal!

1.4y

<3

14

1.4y

Wow thank you so much <3 I really needed to hear this. Today something really triggering happened and I almost ugly cried, but even though I regrouped, I felt absolutely exhausted afterward. I took a long nap and was feeling bad about myself for 'wasting my day', but this really helps remind me that anxiety and fear can be so draining on our bodies and brains

OP

13

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Yeah man. It's as physical as it is mental. Sometimes I wish the health care profession would categorize anxiety as a physical problem, because it impacts your body immensely.

I hope you feel better, if not now then soon. You deserve a rest, and you deserve peace ❤️❤️❤️

4

1.4y

Thank you so much 🥺❤️

13

1.4y

What medication are you on now?

5

1.4y

I have the same question. I’m on anxiety meds but they haven’t been 100% successful

WeekendTrollHunter

24

1.4y

This. So much. I’m at 1 month on medication and I can’t believe what a difference it’s making. I also can’t believe how permeating my anxiety was. I did 5 different activities this week when a couple months ago it took everything I had just to get out of bed. There is so much hope now.

OP

8

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I'm so happy for you! 🥰🥰🥰

4

1.4y

Would you mind if I asked what medication? Know it varies between people, but I'll be looking at starting soon and it helps the anxiety to know some people get a benefit.

WeekendTrollHunter

10

1.4y

No problem. I’m taking buspirone. I started with 5mg 2 times a day (for a total of 10mg per day). This is a relatively low dose, but I have low tolerance for medication. I will be increasing my dose to 7.5mg 2 time a day and see if thing continue to get better.

I chose buspirone because it is non-addictive, can be stopped immediately (if necessary, but they recommend you taper off if you can), and has relatively mild side effects compared to other anxiety medication. It is also cheap for me here in the US.

Edit to add:

It also doesn’t build tolerance, which means the same dose can be used long-term without having to increase.
It has definitely helped reduce my jaw-clenching.

3

1.4y

My therapist specifically recommended buspirone for my jaw clenching problem.

1

1.4y

Thank you for the info! I'm glad it is working for you.

16

1.4y

I felt the same way after I broke my mother's enmeshment last year. It was exhausting but I'm finally feeling better.

Take care!

15

1.4y

Different results for different people for me anxiety burns away all of my physical energy away. I've basically become a hoarder because I can no longer maintain my living space.

OP

14

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I had this problem also. When I thought about cleaning I would just feel overwhelmed and exhausted. One of my favorite parts of having this beast under control is how much easier it is for me to set a plan in motion to clean up - literally. It sounds silly but my entire life everywhere I went I left a huge mess

user_thirtythree

8

1.4y

Thank you

7

1.4y

We need more comments like this!

Spreading positivity for all who need it the most, thank you! ❤️

OP

6

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Aww I'm just glad I could help. Sort of giving back to the universe for putting me in the right places to heal ☺️

Administrative-Flan9

7

Text

1.4y

What meds are you taking? I've yet to find what works for me, but I'm tired of having to do things like pop a benzo to be pleasant enough to enjoy time out with my wife.

6

1.4y

i feel like this would be part of the explanation for why i'm so exhausted all the time. granted it's also a couple of physical health related things

OP

7

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I'll tell you something really crazy. I have spinal issues, and I was in a lot of pain, and I just assumed my back hurt because of that. Well, it doesn't hurt anymore. I was shocked when I woke up one day, a few weeks after my anxiety subsided, and my back didn't hurt anymore.

Also, my hair and nails have started growing 😯

Really, anxiety IS a physical illness.

2

1.4y

whaaat! my back and shoulders hurt all the time! i’m happy you found a solution and got rid of your anxiety!!

OP

2

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I hope you do as well. I know it's not an easy thing to conquer.

My back used to hurt so bad, I couldn't ride in a car for long. It doesn't hurt anymore, it's so crazy

4

1.4y

I have both the same issue in some ways and the opposite problem in others.

I thought it was bs when articles came out saying memory changes because I thought my memory was normal. There are things that sundered entire parts of it, but to do so they had to sunder parts of myself and my mind in those moments. They had to be extra extreme and also involved being drugged. Instead of filling it in as many apparently do, I’m very aware of the spots that were sundered, like wounds scabbed over in the mind that will simply never be again. I suppose being tortured and drugged will do that. Some things I know what was sundered because the knowledge of what happened is in peripheral memories, but some parts big or small, are missing because in those moments I was too broken and those parts will never not be. Those will always be blanks, and then there is stuff that is there but I was too drugged for sane mind to comprehend the information and I’ve taken years to go through that alone. The info is there and recall itself doesn’t change. Only I can learn information I didn’t know at the time for different perspectives on it as I go but the memory itself doesn’t change.

It’s extra annoying when sorting through what was gaslighting and what was people lying to themselves until there memories themselves changed.

Recall in the moment is often scattered by flashbacks though, and sometimes something doesn’t need to be a flashback to simply cause a trauma reaction in my body and thus scatter thoughts enough to play havoc.

I often pause when speaking and burn out quickly because I’m always shielding the people around me from just how constant this is and how much I deal with daily. There are few moments I’m not and even then there is something. The moments I’m not actively being tormented I have to deal with it to process, and then that itself leads to a spiral. An endless spiral in my own mind.

Yet during this I smile at my family and am polite to people so I’m often invisible unless more jarring triggers happen and it would be things it would be strange if I didn’t react to.

The irony is the methods I used to cope can make me seem more calm rather than more freaked out. If I don’t say ‘this freaks me out’ someone will think it doesn’t and if I don’t tell them they won’t know. Apparently. Unless they have medical equipment but then I only realized that when I had a massive medical event.

Apparently it plays heck with my auto immune disorder in such situations, which makes that harder to get a handle on since it disrupts the patterns because trauma responses in the body can mess with your immune system via temp shut down, which apparently has a range. At the very least it can pause the auto immune disorder so when I was in the hospital, a place full of triggers for me and that is itself one big trigger after all the stuff I was put through, and it sort of puts a pause on my auto immune disorder and temporarily stabilizes it so it doesn’t seem as bad.

Also apparently… the really extreme triggers can cause my blood pressure to hike into dangerous territory. I learned that when vitals were taken while I was being informed of something that, while it did turn out to be a mix up, triggered a reaction and a lot of emotions. I almost cried in front of the nurse. She waited for me to calm down before giving me another go because ‘the doctor will want you on something for blood pressure if I give her this and you were clearly upset’. So apparently the bad stuff puts my blood pressure in dangerous ‘this could cause a brain bleed or a heart attack’ places and I just never would have known without that experience.

It doesn’t just play with my mental health but my physical health too. It’s not just emotionally and mentally exhausting but physically too.

I can ‘seem normal’ but then that takes up insane amounts of energy too and I burn out fast so I limit it to what I can handle. My circle is small but I do have a circle.

Sometimes I struggle to either call people often enough for them to feel they matter or while I’m trying it can seem too much. It’s hard to find that balance.

I had an above average iq before the state and my maternal grandmother sunk claws into me and the only reason I test even ‘within normal range’ is I use all my mental self to compensate. It’s freaking exhausting though. Always doing mental gymnastics to get around it for basic shit. It’s exhausting.

3

1.4y

I needed to read this today. I'm just starting trauma therapy and it has been...rough to say the least. I'm terrified to keep going, but knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel helps. Thank you for sharing ❤️

OP

6

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I know exactly how you feel.

Something that helped me with the terror, was just reminding myself that nothing could ever be as terrifying as what I already had experienced.

I promise it gets better. You deserve to live free of the consequences of what was done to you ❤️❤️❤️

7

1.4y

Very nice post ❤️

Might I suggest that the anxiety in this context stems from self-doubt? It's perfectly normal to be afraid, but when we fear ourselves (e.g., we fear we might be "an awful person" or "just not capable", or we're afraid to "meet Me"), it becomes pathological.

When we escape our toxic environment, and when we realize that the whole world isn't so toxic, we can make mistakes and be corrected rather than rejected.

I'm really happy for you that you've grown. Keep it up!

OP

8

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I feel like this might be one of those "which came first the chicken or the egg" situations. Anxiety a lot of times keeps us from being able to function, so we lose things, forget what we were doing, lose focus in the middle of a person's sentence and then can't follow the conversation, etc.

Which of course, if we're already prone to low self esteem, serves to reinforce the notion that we're bad people and can't do anything right.

I think for a lot of people anxiety is a chemical problem, meaning, it's not rooted in any cognitive process and requires medication to control. That was my experience specifically, and I lost years because I was so resistant to being medicated.

7

1.4y

My first experience with antidepressants led me to involuntarily ("authentically") chuckle at a shitty joke my father had made. He's my abuser, and the drugs seemed to make me feel safe around him, even though I knew I shouldn't. I cut him out of my life after that. My doctor added more meds, but I never trusted them, and eventually just stopped taking them all.

Lesson being: If you're going to take drugs that make you feel safe, you must simultaneously learn to stay away from situations in which you shouldn't feel safe. Sometimes defensiveness is appropriate.

OP

5

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

This is true. I wasn't able to even begin healing until I felt safe. Before, when I went to therapy I had so much going on in the moment that I couldn't even try to wrap my head around where it all started.

3

1.4y

Amazing post, friend. I’m 35 and I’ve been healing for a long time. I finally found some peace then more worse trauma came flowing through my mind. Sent me back but not too far. I know my mind showed me because I was ready due to my hard work. There is definitely hope and sometimes the darkness can seem to completely surround you but it’s just your mind lying to you.

OP

4

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

That's brilliant, actually. Our minds lie to us so much when we have trauma. And I swear, even when we realize it, we still fall victim to our inner critic sometimes.

I'm so glad you're on your healing journey, and that you haven't allowed your setback to make you hopeless. You're amazing ❤️❤️❤️

3

1.4y

I only passed high school because I graduated in May 2020. For obvious reasons they couldn't fail anybody. If not for the pandemic, I would have dropped out and maybe never received my GED, except it only took a couple years and I'm in college now.

I really thought I was fundamentally broken, and I'm realizing now how constantly tense and anxious I was. Of course I was tired and distracted the whole time, I was mentally and physically in emergency mode 24/7.

OP

3

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Emergency mode - that almost describes it better than anxiety.

One of the wildest things for me, once I finally got mine under control, was how things didn't constantly feel like they had to be done RIGHT NOW any more. That urgency I always felt was crippling, and it made it hard to communicate.

I love having something I need to say, but feeling like I can wait till the "right time" to say it. It's very freeing

4

1.4y

Yes, the urgency! I'd be paralyzed thinking of everything I had to do, whether it was a test an hour from now or what career I wanted to pursue a decade down the line. Since then I've learned how to let thoughts simmer without ruminating on them, and half the time I forget about it entirely. I'm so proud every time I forget what I was worried about, without worrying about forgetting anything important.

(I like emergency mode because I wasn't always anxious. I had some good days and good friends, but it was like playing cards in a warzone. I couldn't relax. I couldn't go to bed and know when I woke up it'd be another good day.)

humulus_impulus

2

1.4y

Thank you!

2

1.4y

Thank you so much for this. These were words I really needed to hear right now and thank you for sharing them with everyone who might be in a similar position. I hope you have nothing but better days for you. I know this post will be something I think back on from time to time that will change my life for the better.

1

1.4y

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1

1.4y

Thank you for your post

1

1.4y

Thank you ❤️

1

1.4y

This is beautifully put. Thank you.

1

1.4y

Thanks for this. Speaks to my experience with brain congestion and flights!

1

1.4y

You're absolutely right about that. Anxiety makes you a sieve. I had photographic memory, I could remember text messages from a decade ago and movies scene by scene. Conversations verbatim. Lately my anxiety has gotten worse and I forget things like I'm demented. I can't remember the simplest of things. Names are the hardest now. Maybe I should try mnemonics or something from kindergarten lol.

Convenientjellybean

1

1.4y

Was there a moment when ‘the penny dropped’ and you had a realisation that help you shift your thinking, if so can you explain?

OP

2

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

For me, it was actually medication that finally solved this lifelong problem. I was hospitalized in August of 2021, and the doctor there offered me a mood stabilizer. Somehow, the day after I started taking it, my fear and anxiety was completely gone. It was, well, miraculous to say the least.

It was very interesting, I had always seen my fear as something I'd have to work through in therapy, but actually, getting it under control helped me work through the worst of my trauma.

I wish I had an easy answer. For me, I think the problem, being a lifelong one, was so deep, that I never would have been able to overcome it on my own.

1

1.4y

Happy for you:) i do wonder what medication you found help with? Ive been very resistant as well

Sea_Recognition2642

1

1.4y

Thank you so much for this

1

1.4y

Awesome post ! Thanks it helped me. When did you start to feel more like yourself? The beginning of the journey... I'm fighting the anxiety by doing things i'm really scared of right now, that helps alot :) can you tell me more about losing the anxiety aswell? Anxiety is a bitch and i'm in need of tips for this

1

1.4y

At 41, I finally figured it out. Mind blown

1

Text

1.4y

thank you so much for this 💜

1

1.4y

I can’t find step one. 💔. It feels like death in this body. What kind of medication? What if I can’t afford therapy? What if the only person who knows me is the abuser? I don’t know how to start, but I’m desperate for day one.

OP

1

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Can I ask, are you in therapy at all? I know, in our capitalistic world, it can be expensive, but there might be places in the area that can help with that.

2

1.4y

I only get 3 sessions per year from my insurance. My insurance does however, pay for a psychiatrist who will just prescribe things but it’s not talk therapy. I cannot believe how much I relate to all these posts. You have no idea how lost I’ve been. I’m crying right now because even if this doesn’t fix me- I cannot believe there are others like me.

The trauma I have lived through…I don’t know why I’m still alive. Why? To keep this crazy cycle up? I’m a good person. I help people. I change lives. But I can’t help my own. People think I’m strong. Not even close.I don’t want to feel.

OP

1

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

That feeling of community can be healing in and of itself.

You CAN heal, that much I want to say. I felt like healing was impossible for me, I had been through too much, I was too far gone. I can't even begin to explain how surprised I was when I managed to actually heal, it was so amazing.

Do you journal at all? Journalling has been my saving grace, it can really help you get to the bottom of what's really wrong.

I'm here, if you need to talk, also ❤️

1

1.4y

Thank you. Right now I need to get up. I had a three day weekend and I didn’t leave the house once. What a waste. On Saturday, I started to look into my issues and realized that my trauma from 15 years ago was resurfacing. I really really thought I moved past it. I never looked behind me. Never allowed those feeling or memories try to come back. Yet, like it was yesterday, it came flashing in my face. The terror. I felt it all. Why? Why? It was a long time ago! Then I found some threads leading to this subreddit. I realized that since then, my life has been exactly this! Exactly this! I’m crying so badly now because I hate him for doing this to me! I hate myself for letting him have this much control over me! I have pushed people away. I have questioned EVERYTHING about why someone would care. I can’t take compliments. I wasted my life because of so much Shame. I don’t people to know what kind of life I had. I didn’t know that that is what I was doing. I didn’t know that the trauma was still unhealed.
I drank so much the other night so that I could be numb. I really need help. I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like I can’t breath enough air. Deep breaths sometimes aren’t enough. The anxiety is bad.

OP

1

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I know, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Everything you're feeling, you have every right to. What was done to you was wrong, under any and all circumstances.

Something that helps me breathe when I'm anxious, is sitting up straight, putting my shoulders back, and taking a deep breath while counting to four. Slow your breathing if your lungs are full before four, and breathe again.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, I promise you, it's your abuser that should be ashamed ❤️

1

1.4y

Something I just did…I have been prescribed anxiety meds that I use to knock me out and sleep when coping is hard. My anxiety and insomnia is so bad, that I mix it with my insomnia meds. Not recommended, but it has worked for me. I have always been able afraid to take it during the day because I might get sleepy and I have to work. I just took it about an hour ago, and I’m shocked …literally SHOCKED at the relief I am feeling. I know it’s temporary. I also can’t rely on it because it is habit forming and addictive.

Whoever you are, thank you for posting your random thoughts. I don’t think you know you are probably the beginning of saving me from myself.

OP

2

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

I'm just glad I could help. We all deserve healing, in whatever form we need ❤️

1

1.4y

Not enough bandwidth. Esp not in the 2020s.

1

1.4y

Thank you I really needed to hear this. This sub is kinda becoming my AA group lol

OP

2

U R so much more thatn ur trauma ❤️

1.4y

Me too ❤️ I'm so glad to have this group

1 missing reply