I need advice. Quick background. I (F40) have been married to my pwBPD (M44) for 20 years. Our religion forbids divorce and psychology. In the beginning of our marriage (5 yr), I thought he simply hated me (it was somewhat an arranged marriage). Then I thought he hated himself (7 yr). Then we realized together that he was mentally unstable (another 6 years), and finally, in the past two years, that BPD is the best answer... if psychology wasn't inherently evil. I am no longer drinking the koolaid, and have been trying to learn about DBT and "teach him" without naming it what little I can glean myself, from this sub, from books, etc. Trying to help him learn to self-regulate. If it sounds like the blind leading the blind... it is. But it also is the only option.
I love him and am with him forever no matter what he does. Also, he is not evil, and I like him when he isn't splitting against me.
He has been abusive to me, verbally, emotionally, and physically, since our wedding day. He is a weightlifter and I am a normal-sized woman so this is no small thing. I have largely simply endured this because I have no authority or power to do otherwise and divorce is forbidden. And because I vowed to love him and determined to follow through my whole life on that vow. However, as our kids have gotten older, and his BPD rage episodes have turned toward them, I rather quickly saw that I would be an evil person myself to allow that as a parent, and so I have been trying -- struggling -- to put up boundaries. Which means for the first time in our marriage, I have been pushing back (not physically, with verbal protests), and occasionally pushing back with threats of outside intervention. I decided to myself that he will not physically abuse our children, and I will stand up to him if he verbally/emotionally abuses them. I will pack up and leave if he persists. Whatever I have to do. It won't happen. That is my line in the sand. That line, however, is causing him severe breakdown.
Fast forward to the most recent episode. Sunday, I don't know what triggered it, but he was splitting hard, and yelling at me for something I didn't do, and then he got physical. I left the room and hid until he left the house. A few hours later, he was acting all sweet and nice and I thought oh he realizes he was wrong, we're good now... but Sunday night, he was whining incessantly about how terrible his life is and how really I'm sucky too--after I sat there and listened to him whining for an hour and a half--and I asked him to stop, but then he really ratched it up and started making fun of me for being scared of him earlier in the day when he was physically abusing me! Laughing at me. Mocking me. Well I had had it. I told him it was legally assault, and that I'd looked it up and I had legal grounds (if not religious grounds) for fault-divorce, a restraining order, etc., and that he had to stop with the physical abuse, and that I couldn't believe he was mocking me for it when I had forgiven him and sat there and been his friend in the very hours immediately thereafter.
He of course did not take this well. He took it as total rejection. He read it as me "threatening to take the kids" (when all I meant was -- yo physical abuse is real and not acceptable and you need to stop laughing about it). THIS remained in his head for the moment though, I didn't know it at the time.
He deescalated outwardly and we watched TV together and went to bed.
Monday, we had a nice day, I thought his episode was over. He sent me an angry email in the early afternoon from work complaining about me threatening to take the kids and that I had said he was abusive and how could I think that, but then he sent another email 20 minutes later saying, "forget I sent that." So I forgot he sent it. We went out to dinner. Watched a movie. Had cuddles. Went to bed.
Tuesday morning, I wake up to him being full blown FURIOUS. I am the scum of the earth (actually, he called me the servant of Satan) for accusing him of abuse (mind, he hits me / throws something at me / etc. about once a month on average, he even caused me to go into preterm labor once, bodily threw me down the hall when I was 7 mo pregnant) and not seeing what an outstandingly perfect individual he is. He is really really angry at me for "acting normal" on Monday but not I guess recanting my accusations of Sunday. He cannot resolve how I can be both things (love him + think he's abusive) and says I am delusional. He is in the depths of despair. I sent him an email telling him that I love him in great depth and no matter what, but gently saying the abuse is real and that I think he needs to recognize he's mentally ill, but that I love him and am with him no matter what, etc. He responds with complete vitriol. He goes on all day like this and I mostly ignore him (he's at work) although I am a wreck inside, but trying to do the right thing. Finally at like 10 he sends me a pitiful email about how horrible his life is, and I get up and go in his room and lay down with him. Until finally he kicks me out because "you wouldn't want your abusive husband to get VIOLENT or something" -- it was scary, frankly. I went to bed.
Wednesday morning, I wake up to him still furious, now actively making fun of me and telling me that I should be so thankful to have such an outstanding amazing husband. He doesn't want to die, he just hates me. Again I try to just ignore it (again he goes to work). Wednesday night, he comes home, and he is sanctimoniously polite. I didn't realize at first that he was just being super "goody good polite" and not "recovered" / out of it. He even politely asked if I wanted to watch our tv show, and helped me with my workout. But with ZERO affection in any of it, which I finally realized when for instance we say goodnight, I love you -- he didn't return my "I love you," he replied "yeah."
Thursday morning, I wake up, and it's the same. He tells me goodbye. I say, goodbye, "I love you." He says NOTHING back. He's not making eye contact. No touching. Nothing remotely affectionate or fond. Just very icy politeness like I'm a stranger or a distant friend.
LONG STORY I am very sorry. But I don't know what to do. I read on subs like this one of people with BPD "love bombing" and being very apologetic... he seems to have amnesia about his actions, like he can't reconcile his real badness with his decent/good normal self at all. He has never really apologized for being physically abusive, in 20 years of it. I've also never really held his feet to the fire about it, never left, never taken action about it, and until he accidentally told some people, no one else knew about it, because I hid it and have helped him hide his struggles as much as possible for the past twenty years.
Any advice about any of this is very appreciated, but especially--what do I do now? How do I respond to this new twist of "I don't love you, I am tolerating you, you should be thankful for me" ice? How do I help him? How do I make boundaries about physical abuse when I didn't in the past, without causing him to completely break down?
I am with him forever and I will try to do whatever I can to help him as long as it doesn't harm my kids, but I don't know how to deal with this situation, how to get through to him. I don't know how to get him to see, even when he's not in the middle of rage, that he actually is abusive and that it is rational that I respond to that.