Parents with a NT child as well, do you notice family treating them differently?

Advice Needed

I have a neurotypical three year old daughter and an autistic two year old son. They're both the light of my life and I don't treat them any differently, if I buy for one then I buy for the other too etc etc. However, I can't say the same for family members. My daughter gets so much more from family, more time, more attention, more toys, just more everything. Whereas I can tell my son is loved by them, but he doesn't have the same amount of effort put into him as they do with his sister. It breaks my heart, because family will come over and say they're taking the kids out, but then only take my daughter. My son is non-verbal, but he always makes it clear he wants to go too (bring them his boots, holding his coat, pointing at the door etc), then he's left in tears as once again they take just his sister and leave him behind.

I have brought this up with the family members in question a million times, and I've been very clear that I want them to put the same amount of effort into both children, but it never comes to anything. They just say that my son is "difficult", "harder", and "he takes more effort, so we can't do it with both of them". I get that he's different, and I get that can make him harder to understand and control (for want of a better word), but that shouldn't mean he's somehow less worthy of their time. It also doesn't explain why my daughter has had so many new toys and designer clothes from them, things that don't require their physical attention. My daughter got a Ted Baker dress just because they "wanted to treat their princess" and my son got....nothing. I keep getting told this is normal, and it's just because they can't understand and bond with my son the same way they can with my daughter, but this feels like lame excuses to me. Anybody else? Is this actually normal, or am I right in thinking they're playing favourites?

in Autism_Parentingby BinkiesForLife_05

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Disastrous-Panda5530

Yes. My son is ND, he also has adhd and a language disorder. He had speech delays as a kid and was in speech therapy and his speech still isn’t the same as kids his age. He’s 17 now. My daughter is 14. My MIL clearly favors my daughter. I’ve had arguments and fights with her about and went long periods of time without letting her see the kids because of it. The worst was Christmas when she spent nearly $1000 on my daughter and bought my son a cheap $10 drone from the family dollar (didn’t even bother to take the tag off) and a cheap generic Lego set. I could see the look on my son’s face when he realized that’s all he got and my daughter had piles of presents from her. I packed up my kids and I told my daughter that unfortunately she wasn’t going to be able to take this stuff with her. She asked if it’s because her brother didn’t really get anything nice and I said yes. And she told MIL that that wasn’t nice and that she was showing favoritism and we don’t do that in our family.

My MIL asked if I was for real and I said absolutely. My son was heartbroken. He isn’t one to complain ever, but the sadness on his face. Especially since he didn’t even get a birthday present. His birthday is a week before Christmas.

My family is the opposite. My mom loves my son. She watched him almost daily while I commuted to college 2 hours each way. She watched him the first four years of his life. She didn’t get that with any other grandkids because we all lived 2-3 hours away. I moved once i finished school when my son was about 4. Even before he was diagnosed it was apparent he wasn’t like other kids. My mom has always been very protective of him. He’s the first and oldest grandkid.

I did tell my mom that even though he is her favorite, she still needs to treat both kids equally. I won’t let her play favorites between the two. And she has done exactly as I asked. One thing I hated about MiL is that she would only ask about my daughter. Only asked if she could come over. Only wanted to see her. Never asked about my son. My mom always asks about both kids. she doesn’t treat one better over the other either.

I’m so glad I went no contact with MIL. There is a reason I never trusted her alone with my kids. And it’s hardly a surprise my son never wants to go to her house now as a teenager.