I was told I can't identify as autistic

Vent/Rant

Late diagnosed here, was diagnosed in April. My husband and I were joking around, I forgot about what. But he was messing with me, and I said without thinking and in humor, "I'm autistic not _____", I forgot what we were talking about. This is what I remember. My mother in law said "you can't start identifying".

I don't tell people I am autistic, because of that reaction. 4 people in my life know, and you all but you don't know me (so I don't feel judged?)

Well now I wish I never told my husband or her. I feel stupid. I feel small. I just wish I could disappear. I hate how personally I take stuff.

in AutismInWomenby FuckingFuckme9898

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1mo

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Cat_universe13

1mo

🙁💖 IDK how to phrase this but - Try not to blame yourself. It’s a head-fuck being late dx and IMO it takes a surprising amount of time to like… process and even begin to work through it all. Feeling intensely can really suck sometimes (and this is one of those times), but… idk, just be kind to yourself.

Do you generally have a good relationship with your MIL?

Also, what do you think she meant by ‘you can’t start identifying’? Because (to me, anyway) that’s kind of a confusing thing to say.

FuckingFuckme9898

1mo

Trying to be kind to myself, my mind gets stuck on a loop especially when it comes to criticism or negative words. I am working on being confident, the person who diagnosed me said to work on that.

We have a good relationship, she comments on everything and anything. From my parenting, to personality, I don't know how to word it. I love her and enjoy her company at times. But there is a mental list of things to avoid in conversation. She's judgemental in a masked way, she criticizes but disguises it as compliments (back hand comments?) She's becoming a lot for me. 6 years of knowing her.amd this past year has drained me. I can't have open conversation, because she slams her door, cries and yells, vents to my father in law and everyone in her family. Therefore I don't speak to any of them.

I think she meant I can't say I am autistic or acknowledge it because I am late diagnosed and to her maybe I don't have challenges? I have no idea. She talks about me being autistic at times "I was reading many women on the spectrum are LGBTQ, you are very true to yourself because autistic people are logical and that's why you are different from your family". Honestly I don't understand half of our conversations, and I have set replies. She vents a lot and goes on tangents, I get lost in conversation. I am better at conversation in text message

Cat_universe13

1mo

Yeah loops are hard :( Sometimes all you can do is let it run through, even though it’s exhausting and unpleasant.

Confidence is hard when you’re late dx I think because you’ve basically had an entire life-time of not understanding wtf is going on and doubting your reality, bc everyone else is so sure of their own, and you sort of learn to trust other people’s opinions over your own sometimes (in my experience anyway)

Okay your MIL sounds baffling tbh and like she’s bringing a lot of her own shit to the table that likely has zero to do with you. Also if I were you I’d reconsider if you DO actually have a good relationship with her, because p much all of what you said after that sounds low-key awful. It sounds like you can tolerate her and you care for her but she’s possibly not great for you to be around.

What does your husband think of all this?

Also how much do you see your MIL? (Curious bc my instinct is that it might be a good idea to see her a bit less).

FuckingFuckme9898

1mo

Usually when I start researching I can't get "my mind off" the loop but this situation, no matter what I did, I was stuck.

& that's my experience with confidence and self awareness as well, I feel my confidence or opinion of myself is clustered opinions of others.

& yep that sounds more like it, I tolerate her, I do love and care for her. I thought we had a good relationship because she vents to me and we do things together. (I have always had trouble knowing if a relationship if good or not, or genuine)

My husband has pretty much given up on his mom. Since I entered the family, I have been her venting buddy. He use to be it. He says she is crazy and calls her names behind her back. He tolerates her and smokes with her. That's the strength of their relationship weed. He just listens to me and tells me to ignore it.

We live with her, I keep myself busy by cleaning the house, cooking for everyone, to avoid interactions at home. Or I work on the yard. I do love my mother in law, she can be great to spend time with, like when we go to the thrift store or we do repairs to the house.

Cat_universe13

1mo

Oh shit, definitely very complicated that you’re living with her! Is that something you can work towards changing, or is that not feasible?

It is bloody hard sometimes to unpick if relationships are good or not, but it’s def helpful you’re aware it’s an issue for you.

I realise this may seem like a dim question, but why do you think what your MIL said is hitting you so hard? (Asking because I find self-reflection very useful & it can help to approach it more analytically & it might help to like.. basically dismantle the situation to try and identify the specifics of it and like… what other assumptions you might be making subconsciously? And like to start to figure out if there’s other things you’re upset about that you don’t realise that are kind of being bundled together with this situation, which like ups the intensity of everything you’re feeling?

Idk if that makes literally any sense, I also have ADHD and sometimes it’s hard to keep my thoughts linked together and tbh I need to go back to sleep for a bit.

FuckingFuckme9898

1mo

Not at the moment sadly, my husband and I are struggling financially and are barely catching up. Past 6 years I've been a stay at home mom, and that helped us but also pushed us behind in some areas.

I think I'm taking it hard because she comments on everything and anything. From my parenting, to my relationship, to any part of my personality. I've worked hard on parenting, being emotionally available, not zoning out, being accepting to hugs and nonstop touching (which I dislike) but I've worked on all of those things. I've done a lot of work on myself to be a better parent and it's never good enough. It's always "we need to do more of _", we means me, because she isn't involved with my children, she spends a bit of time with them, she does help with rides to school (I am so grateful for that), but I am the one teaching them, playing with them, up at all hours, baths, you name it. "__ doesn't get interaction from no one", she's gone when the kids aren't at school, if _____ doesn't get interaction then how can a 4 year old spell over 100 words, count to 1000 (Yes it still shocks me), already doing double digit addition, subtraction, because I interact with him. I think all of her comments, her input, constantly, every single time is hitting me. That comment yesterday hit me the most, because all of my life, since I remember, I have heard, "what's wrong with her? There's something wrong with her. She's not right", now I have the answer, I am not damaged like I've thought, I just am autistic.

And everything you've said has made sense to me! I thank you for your time, thank you so much, you've helped me a bunch!

Cat_universe13

1mo

🙁 That sucks, I’m sorry to hear that.

That really sounds like a deeply unpleasant living situation. If I were you, I’d say definitely stop twisting yourself into knots trying to please her, because there’s clearly no pleasing this woman, and it’s hurting you to go against yourself. Like obviously make any changes that you genuinely feel are good for you and your kid (eg working on not zoning out) but try and balance that against how you’re perfectly fine as you are, and like, if you don’t want to be touched all the time, you absolutely don’t have to be!

Tbh I would suggest trying to like, dissociate from stuff your MIL if possible, or like sort of try and reframe her in your head? Like, maybe whenever she says anything just imagine she’s like a talking dinosaur or something you know? So where you’re still listening to what she is saying and being polite to the dangerous talking dinosaur, but within your own head you’re like, well honestly what in the fuck does a talking dinosaur know about any of this stuff?

And you’re welcome!!! I’m glad to have helped, I love helping people lol, especially other autistic people 😀