What more can I do for my friend who had a premature baby?

Romance/Relationships

One of my best friend's recently gave birth to her and her husband's first child. He arrived about 10 weeks early. He seems stable for now, but he'll obviously need to stay in hospital for a long time because he needs help with breathing and eating.

I already volunteered myself as cat sitter, when she was admitted to hospital a week ago. But I'm wondering if there's anything else I can or should do that could be helpful.

Would love to hear advice and experiences from anyone has been through this, either as a parent or friend.

ETA: They live only a 10 minute drive from the hospital, so they're able to come home every now and then.

in AskWomenOver30by Grr_in_girlWoman 30 to 40

95%

punknprncss

Put together a snack basket - food, candy, water, soda. When my husband was in the hospital that is the one thing I wish I had. I constantly had to run to a vending machine or to the cafeteria.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Great suggestion, thanks! I will definitely do that.

roundbluehappy

Single portion meals, microwavable, tossable containers. Freezable.

Offer to clean, dusting, bathroom scrubbing,, vacuuming, pop over and take the garbages out, do their dishes if they're in the sink. Find out what day their pickup is and get the tote to the road for them.

Bring the mail in and put it on the table. Mow the yard if they have one.

Those countless little tasks that just add up and add up.

Since you're already doing the cat sitting, observe the food and litter levels. Pick up more of the right kinds when they're low.

They may want or need different things, so you may want to run these by them first OR, if you see that it needs doing, just do it - depends on how tight your friendship is.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Thanks for the suggestions! I'm staying at their place while cat sitting, so I've already started cleaning and doing chores.

But I hadn't thought of freezing meals. I love cooking, so this is definitely something I can do.

Not_Brilliant_8006

Woman 30 to 40

I had two preemies and it's rough. My first high fived Jesus a few times in the nicu. Not much other than be available to listen, don't say anything like "at least you can sleep while the baby is in the NICU" and food. Providing door dash or cooked food is going to be a game changer. The NICU is traumatizing and horrible so don't be shocked if she kind of disappears for a while. Especially because she will be in the NICU a LOT. People who have not gone through it don't understand and say calloused things (unintentionally) so we tend to avoid the outside world.

Also, check out r/NICUparents to get a better idea of what she is going through. Also you can ask people what they would have needed. It's a wonderful community.

anathemeta

Woman 30 to 40

Ugh, I heard, "it's kind of nice you don't have to change diapers for awhile." People truly say the most insensitive stuff. I definitely agree with all of this advice. Premade meals and door dash were great because you're really in two places all day and it's so hard to cook. We also were not expecting our son to be premature so we did not have any preemie clothes or diapers. Friends and family donated both of those things to us and it was very helpful. It's really sweet you're doing all of this for your friend and being proactive. The NICU is traumatizing and support and understanding are so helpful.

Not_Brilliant_8006

Woman 30 to 40

Omg the comments. One family member said that to me about how I get to "relax" before she comes home and I lost my shit like yes, I'm "relaxing" while my daughter is on a feeding tube, has a PICC line and is intubated and I can't hold her she has so many cords attached to her. Oh, and she's 3lb. I'm SO FUCKING RELAXED. Ugh I'm getting triggered 😂😭

Smart_cannoli

My mom told me that it was gods will and I almost left the hospital to go to her house and b e a t the shit out of her.

Not_Brilliant_8006

Woman 30 to 40

Ugh I am so sorry. This is literally why I shut everyone out. It was just my husband and the NICU staff I saw for a few months. Same with my second.

Smart_cannoli

I was honestly so numb, that I didn’t mind the messages, until this one, then I was really really pissed. I am sorry you had to go through that twice.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Thanks so much!

It's difficult because I can't really imagine what they're going through. I'm not sure when we talk if I should ask how the baby is doing, or if she would rather take the chance to think about something else for a while. Though she's probably always thinking about him.

Will definitely do my best to be a good listener.

delawen

Woman 40 to 50

On hard cases like this, you can ask explicitly: "Do you want to talk about the situation or do you prefer to talk about something else?" Let them decide.

You are a good friend, btw :)

hermitsociety

female 40 - 45

We didn't have any clothes or diapers small enough for our nicu baby. She was so early that the crib wasn't put together and we didn't have a car seat or anything washed, etc.

At home it helped a lot when a neighbor cut our grass when they did theirs and brought in our mail. My mom did laundry and that helped a ton, too.

Maybe just ask her if she wants you to pick up a Walmart order for her. Something that simple can really go a long way.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Thanks for the suggestions!

They already got the big stuff, like crib and stroller, but I can check if they need other things like diapers and clothes.

A bunch of us had already set aside a date for a surprise baby shower in early August. Maybe we can still do a small little something, so people can bring gifts and useful things.

East_Lawfulness_8675

Look into a gift card for services they would be able to use now - things like laundry, housekeeping, food delivery, etc. The less chores they have to do at home, the more time they have to spend with their baby. Forget any self care shit right now, I promise neither of them is interested in taking a bubble bath or lighting a candle or whatever lol. They are hyper focused on their baby and being present as often as possible at the hospital.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Thanks, good suggestion!

I'm taking care of their apartment while they're in hospital, but I think they'll definitely appreciate food delivery to there.

East_Lawfulness_8675

You’re an awesome friend

Sporkalork

Check their freezer - if it's not stocked and you know their taste in food, personally I would start making freezer meals for when they do get home. Simple stuff like 2 person portions of lasagne, cottage pie, chicken curry, etc., that they can just pop in the oven for an easy meal when they're finally home with the baby. (make sure instructions for reheating are included! I use the foil tins with the paper lids and write directly on the lids.)

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Great suggestion, thanks! I can definitely do that.

tinksalt

Start a meal train. They don’t want to cook. They don’t even want to spend the time ordering things. In an ideal world, the food should just appear.

When my babies were in the NICU, all I wanted was for someone else to deal with all of the people on the outside. I was getting calls and texts constantly. All the messages were full of well wishes and love, but it was overwhelming. And I had enough to be overwhelmed with. Everyone kept asking me when she was coming home. No one knows the answer to that question, and NICU doctors will not make any promises. I was so focused on the day-to-day progress that the “when is she coming home?” text would really ruin how happy I was when my daughter managed to keep down 20mls of milk through her NG tube for the first time. Being able to eat and breathe at the same time is HUGE for a preemie.

Recruit people to help around the house. If mom is breastfeeding/pumping, it’ll take up so much time. I put together my daughter’s crib at a week postpartum because the nursery wasn’t anywhere close to being ready and I didn’t know how to ask for help. Postpartum depression and anxiety are very likely for NICU parents. Offer as much help as you’re able to provide and encourage your friend to ask.

She’s not a burden and you love her, which is why you posted here. She might need the reminder.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Thanks so much! It really helps to hear your experience. I don't have children so I can't imagine what that feels like, nevermind having a preemie.

I can definitely prepare meals and get their apartment organized.

IwastesomuchtimeonAB

I think a home cooked meal that they can immediately eat at the hospital would be really helpful for them (from a practical pov for them and from a financial pov for you since cooking will probably be cheaper than buying). I’m sure they’re tired of hospital food and exhausted and anxious and worried.

If you’re super close to your friend I think running the vacuum and doing a load of laundry would also help enormously. Since those things are going to fall by the wayside while they care for their premature baby.

Grr_in_girl

Woman 30 to 40

Great suggestion! I usually cook big meals for myself anyways and save the leftovers.

I'm staying in their apartment, so I'm already taking care of cleaning and laundry etc.

Ok-Vacation2308

If you have money to share or friends willing to pitch in, delivery food gift card. Hospital food sucks and they're already stressed up the ass with baby in the hospital, helps take a chore off their plate.

If you're cat sitting in their home, or even if they're open to you coming by, ask if you can help with house chores like dishes, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming for them or see if they'd be comfortable with you getting them a house cleaner if that's your perferred route. Like, let me do the dishes for you when I come in to take care of fluffy, or can I come by at the end of the week and just give your space a good scrub so you can focus your time on mom and baby and not on the home chores.

anxiouslucy

That’s nice of you! Cat sitting seems simple until it’s time to clean the litter box! Maybe take extra effort to clean up their house? I mean the annoying stuff. Wiping baseboards and whatnot. Otherwise, you could prepare some meals that can be frozen for future use with instructions on reheating, purchase a gift card for Uber eats or a local place they like ordering from. Snack baskets are nice too. Maybe see if the lawn needs mowing, ensure trash is taken out when it needs to be. Etc.

Smart_cannoli

I had a preemie, if my friend would be in this situation I would:

cook and portion for her foods that could be frozen and quickly heated. Like lasanha, or purée with braised meets, things that are fulfilling and that freezes well. Specially if she is breastfeeding. I needed to eat, and couldn’t do it during the nicu period. I would cook or buy those meals and deliver to them instead of giving a gift card, but because when I was in the nicu I couldn’t think of anything else, and if anyone asked me to make any other decision, as simple as what I wanted to eat, I would not be able to reply.
a gift basket with a nice big water bottle, teas, hand cream, healthy snacks…
help her clean/vacum/ assemble/wash things for the baby. My baby was born at 32 weeks and I didn’t had anything ready. I was glad my husband could do it all by himself, but if he had to work or stay with me in the hospital it would be impossible. Sometimes give them a hand would be helpful.
if she is breastfeeding or pumping, I would gift (if I could afford$$) a healing laser session for nipple cracking. I was pumping exclusively in the first 10 days of my daughter’s life, and then also pumping before and after every feeding, so my nipples died. My husband got me 2 sessions with the laser and it saved my life!

Haavs

Love all these ideas. Here is another idea- Post NICU we loved instacart gift cards etc. the last thing I wanted to do with our tiny baby was grocery shopping.

Mimi4Stotch

As a mama of a NICU baby, this warms my heart!!

My boy was also 10 weeks early! He was in the NICU for 8 weeks.

My biggest help was food (freezer meals) from various friends, a go fund me (allowed me to take 2 extra weeks off of work), and a friend that helped with laundry/organizing baby stuff—we thought we had 10 more weeks to get stuff done!

Volunteering to pet sit was a godsend, too!

You’re a great friend! 🥹