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Advice on how to move past anger towards my Mom with how she treated me growing up.
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1mo
So much therapy. Like another commenter, look into therapists that treat children of narcissists and/or trauma therapists.
My parents weren't narcissists by any means, but they were emotionally neglectful and I was definitely affected by it. I started trauma therapy for cPTSD last year and it's been *amazing*. I had been in therapy for 6+ years before that, but it was not trauma informed and I feel like I'm finally getting to the root of all my issues around anxiety, perfectionism, people pleasing, etc.
I am also doing brainspotting (similar to EMDR, which is for PTSD, but it's for cPTSD) and the combination of those sessions plus trauma therapy has finally lifted me out of an almost 3+ year pit of depression.
If therapy isn't an immediate possibility for you, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a really great read. It was validating to the point of me highlighting almost every single line in the book, and the exercises contained within are also really great to work through. There's one about your Role Self and Healing Fantasies (that stay fantasies) that was really eye opening.
She doesn't sound like she grew or changed because you still can't get through to her, and she still can't give you what you need. Just accept that she doesn't have the capacity, or remorse. She does not deserve your forgiveness.
I don't forgive my mom, I don't forgive my dad, and I don't forgive my brother. I'm very low contact with them, and it's better that way. I invest my time into people who actually care (my in-laws)
This sounds so similar to my mom. I went no contact with her. I still have a desire to want to confront her and tell her all the harm she caused but I haven't because I don't think it will help anything. Other people have and she denies everything.
Lots of suggestions for therapy, and I agree. I also know how hard it can be to get into therapy, whatever the reason. So if it's not an option for you right now, you can DIY this a little bit.
A small book that might help you with processing your mother's unfairness and favoritism is "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." I've recently read it myself and it's straightforward, supportive, and easy to skim.
You're entitled to your feelings. Neglect is real. Parents traumatize their children, whether or not they intend to. For most of the 20th century parenting practices were almost barbaric. My mother's childhood was a nightmare behind the well-mannered facade her mother created, and it's given her some quirks. One quirk in particular is conflict avoidance, which was problematic because my brother bullied me, and so did my stepfather for a period of time, and most recently her boyfriend (82). All of these dynamics warranted her intervention and I deserved her advocacy, but she just isn't capable of it. It's not in her wiring.
Some DBT might help too. You need to find a way to feeling okay about not feeling okay. As in, your mom is not going to change, and expecting or asking her to change will only increase your frustration and resentment. So, imagine having some boundaries around how much of yourself you give to your mother, whether it's how much you give her in terms of time, service, or obedience, or what kind of emotional cost you spend getting upset at her for being who she is.
You're entitled to your judgements and critical thoughts about your childhood and your mother. Completely deserved. You are also entitled to tell your mother that you're not going to help with X, or meet her for Y, and so on. Look up the terms grey rock and medium chill. Another good book is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist."
Families are complicated and parents sometimes suck. If you want to read a poem about it, look up Phillip Larkin's "This Be the Verse." ♥️
She sounds like a narcissist. I cut mine out personally because it got so bad. Try r/cptsd or r/raisedbynarcissists
Im 36 with a 19 yr old in college. I knew my parents were bad when i was a child. Now that my son is in college, older than I was when I had him, I realize how truly abandoned I was. My parents didn't come to the hospital or even know my son was born for over 24 hours. My mother called the police on me the day before I was supposed to go in and get induced, because I had complications, and told them I was beating up my 80 yr old grandfather. I was actually trying to leave the house and she refused to give me my car keys to the car I was paying for on my own at 17...
Anyways, you are not alone. What helped me the most, honestly, was getting diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year. The main cause is childhood trauma and neglect (coupled with a naturally emotional personality). Maybe check that out too while you're looking up narcissist moms. Distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills have helped a lot too.
I think I might be over it for my experiences with my mom. Like you, I also can’t understand how she couldn’t give me the time of day or care about my interests the way I do with my kid. The thing is, it’s not up to me to process her own bullshit.
It’s taken me a long time, but I think I’ve finally found some closure in the fact that I cannot make her feel a certain way. She will never understand and for that, I feel sorry for her. How sad she never gets the magic of a relationship like I have with my daughter. It absolutely sucks for her that she will never know how truly wonderful I am. How she missed out on pivotal moments because she just didn’t feel like contributing or joining. Sucks to be HER.
Therapy. It's basic as heck, and you might need to work on finding it available be it insurance or out of pocket. However. That's basically it.
It was so hard for me to accept my mom just didn't care about me. I was her extension and just arm chair I think she's a narcissist. So r/raisedbynarcissist might not be your case! But it might help you to get support on abusive parent and the empty lack of them being there for you.
In my experience. I knew I had to confront everything that happened. Someone 3rd party not related that I build trust with. Tell me I'm not crazy. Not my lover. An adult figure even if we're all adults. If that makes sense.
Someone on YouTube clip showed a great example. You are a bin. In the bin are crumpled pieces of paper. Torn. Or like damaged. Therapy. With the right fit and skill set is important for a therapist. They should help you sort piece by piece and filed them up proper (that you did what needed to be done working on it) and then neatly putting the back in the bin.
I tell ya. I left on my journey away from my mom at 21/22 and now at 30 it's like maybe only 5 or 8 years of the 21 has been "helped". And I guess that's makes sense. Meaning like I have a friend and most women or men anyone really expects or wants a quick fix. They don't want shame longer than needed, breaks are OK or lapse of coverage, but to expect 20+ years "fixed" that fast is not typical at all. And so really be ready for therapy. Don't just go in. To me a therapist is like a tour guide. Pointing out things. You could do it yourself, but think of all the prep and research and fail and pass and so on. Versus just going with a guide.
But. Some therapist are more idk the word active. Others are really distant. Some are on the middle.