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AITA for wanting my mom to attend my wedding and blowing up at her?
AssholeDude, why that date? Just pick any other date. YTA
Exactly! Your mom is still grieving and you’re trying to force her to stop. OP, why did it have to be your deceased sister’s birthday? Why couldn’t you choose the day before or after or; the week before or after? YTA
You say still grieving, she will never not be grieving. She will stop grieving the day she dies
This is true. Nearly 12 years and it doesn't ever fully go away.
I don’t think she is trying to force her to stop grieving just asking her to come to the wedding despite it being a hard day for her.
OP, you probably should not have committed to that day knowing it was your sister’s birthday. Wouldn’t you want your wedding day to be joyful for not just you and your fiancé but all in attendance? Don’t you want your wedding day to be special - not your dead sisters birthday? You should reschedule or deal with the fact your parents won’t be attending.
Exactly. The mom didnt try to force OP to change the date. She declined to attend a wedding on a day that is exceptionally painful for her. I'm sure OP is fully aware of this, and based on OP's wording, I dont think this choice was by chance.
OP seemed to try to shift the attention to herself on a day that her family would still mourn the sister and want to remember her life. It backfired and OP sounds livid that their plan didnt work. She can keep her chosen wedding day, but it is bound to he bittersweet even if she gets her way. Her wedding day/anniversary will still FOREVER be her sister's bday. OP wont suddenly change that by having a big party.
Working backwards from her remarks about putting the sister "on a pedestal" and to stop holding on to things that happened (3) years ago...
...I'm thinking that Mom has been (rightfully) grief stricken by the tragic loss of her daughter and fiancé and that OP feels either neglected or that Mom should just move on.
In other words, I think it is fairly safe to say that OP picked that date ON PURPOSE as a way of either getting back at Mom and/or to force her to move on.
I also think that this might also have to do with whatever actually happened to Louise and Jack. The deaths are obviously connected somehow, so maybe it was a car accident or fire or even something even worse like a home invasion gone wrong or a murder/suicide.
No matter what, OP is definitely YTA for deliberately picking this day to (among other things) force her mom to do something and then crying and yelling because Mom isn't playing her game.
Absolutely this. OP knew what she was doing choosing that date.
Exactly a different date could not have been that much different in price and the other arrangements that OP names. OP ur TAH.
Or just go away quietly and do it on that date and have a party later. Why does everything need to be on your terms?
Oh my god, YTA.
“Putting Louise on a pedestal” and saying it happened “years ago” is a pretty shitty way to talk about a relative who died only 3 years ago. Why would you even want to marry someone on a day like that?
Have some respect for everyone else in your family and pick one of the other 364 days in the year. Damn.
This reminds me of the one where the woman chose the same location that her sister was supposed to get married at ! Hiding the fact that her sister didn’t have her wedding because her fiancé DIED !
I remember that one! Then they all acted horribly to the grieving sister calling her selfish for bringing down her party! That was heartbreaking!
And the OP kept referring to the fiancé who had died as her daughter’s “ex”
I forgot about that! It was beyond cruel. I just wanted to give the OP a huge hug.
Jeezes, some people. 🤮
Right. My uncle died in a tragic accident probably almost 15 years ago and my grandfather maybe 10. I would never hold an event on either of their birthdays or death dates if I could 100% help it. And if I couldnt i would never expect my grandma (and select other relatives) to come if I had to nor would I hold my fucking wedding on those dates on purpose (which is what it sounds like op did) why would you ever want to share that date? Knowing its significance and moms refusal (it has also only been three years that's not that long) to go and making it her hill to die on why wouldnt you change the date even if it's by a day?
OP is the asshole, I share a birthday with my deceased great grandmothers death day it has always sucked. Never even met the women-no ones let me forget it tho ever. Op doesn’t realise she would make her self miserable by sharing her wedding day with her deceased sisters birthday. It will be her karma. Instead of one upping her deceased half sister-ever anniversary she would probably not even get congrats from anyone but hear on and on about her deceased half-sister. Hell, she may even have people who ask her not to celebrate it out of respect for her half sister. Its not something she would honestly want. (Tho i do believe its just plain selfish asshole move to put it on that day)
Oh I'm in full agreement with you. Like I'm not sure why OP would chose to compete with a deceased woman who was her sister. For OPs mom that day will never be OPs anniversary it will be Louise's birthday. It will always be a day of sadness for her family and not joy.
I don’t even like several of my sisters - one dying will be a huge relief, in fact - and I’m smart enough to figure out any other date than their birthdays for an event like a wedding.
362 days. Picking the day of the sister's death (or the day of her fiance's death) would also likely engender the same response. OP is an unfeeling monster.
The most confusing part about this for me is this: does OP really want her wedding to be associated with her deceased sister that much??
Like I can understand some people choosing a date like that on purpose for some spiritual reasons (as if to making sure others keep their dear person in mind and as if they were present on their important event). But this clearly doesn't seem to be the case. Why not choose the second most suitable option to avoid the nasty situation?? I'd really rather go into debt than have this sort of fight with my parents. And then people are definitely gonna have a weird impression during the wedding, no matter if OPs mom actually comes or not. Just... I don't get it.
OP, YTA and a weird one as well, since you're literally making your own life harder with these decisions.
No shit! How do I give awards???
INFO Did you really have to pick her birthday? It seems a little crass.
This honestly sounds intentional. I'm sure OP thinks that they can claim the sister's bday as her own because of the wedding/anniverary.
That won't happen. OP clearly wants to shift attention away from her deceased sister, but this will more than likely make her wedding/anniversary miserable for her.
It's like cursing your own special day, for the rest of her married days her mother will ignore her wedding anniversary to celebrate her lost child, then OP will blame mother "for not getting over it".
OP is very selfish.
Happy Cake day!
Happy cake day!
Maybe OP thinks "I didn't pick the day she died, what more do you want!?!"
OP just tell your mother why you hate her and then you move on. YTA
YTA. Of AAAALLLL the days, you just had to pick that one
'she's hurting me to put Louise on a pedestal.'
Is that what this is really about? You're competing with your dead half sister for your mother's attention?
Spend less on the wedding and more on therapy.
I never really understood how people feel the need to compete with a deceased person. Like, I'd get it if her mom was neglecting her and constantly bringing up Louise every second of the day.
But to pick Louise's Birthday, the one day in the year, as OP's wedding date, is sickening.
I told OP to also not pick Jacks birthday or the days that they passed either since this seems to go straight over her head.
YTA
She's not putting Louise on a pedestal.
She doesn't want that day to remind her of what she lost when her daughter died. She's going to see the wedding cake and the reception and everyone having a good time and cry all night long because she lost that celebration with Louise and Jack's death. Anyone who has ever lost anyone would think the same way.
Your mom didn't demand it, she just asked you to reconsider it. You said no. So she's not going. Two adults made a choice. Now you have to live with it.
Also, weddings aren't just about the bride and groom. Yes, they are the ones being celebrated, but they are celebrating with family and friends. You are sharing that moment with everyone at the wedding. It is about everyone. It is about how your parents raised you from a little girl to a grown adult. It is about your fiance's family and his youth. It is about your journey together to this occasion.
YTA. People don't just forget about the ones they lost after a while, especially parents. If you really want to push through with this date, at least, respect your mom's choice as well.
YTA. Everyone grieves differently. You don't get to decide how long it takes your mom to get over this.
YTA
There are 365 days in a year. You could have chosen any day. Even a week after the death of your half sister was enough.
Well, you can do whatever you want, but it's incredibly inconsiderate of you not to understand your mom's reasons and why that particular date makes her uncomfortable. It seems absurd that we have to explain it to you.
WTF? You really have to ask? Out of 365 days in the year you have to pick your dead sisters birthday and wonder why people are not joyful? YTA.
Is this half sister also your mom's biological child?
Your half-sister didn't die that long ago and tbh died pretty young not surprised your mom is struggling. Are you just tone deaf? You didn't listen the first time she said it so finally it was a hard No. Op you know exactly what you could do if you choose to respect your mom's grief, making your mom need to celebrate on a day that could be a struggle YTA
YTA. Pick a different date. You’re putting cost &. availability of the venue ahead of availability of your mom. The way you talk about her hurting you to put Louise on a pedestal & “holding on to something that happened years ago” makes me think you feel competitive with a dead person & picked your wedding date to make some kind of point. Stop it. The bare minimum you can do for your mother is respect her grief.
My daughter is choosing to get married a few days after the 2nd anniversary of my son's (her brother's) passing. The date she chose means nothing to her and her fiance. They said they didn't want to wait longer (by 2 months from a date they originally chose that DID mean something to them and their relationship). She said she "expects me to show up and be HAPPY for them ALL day". Keep in mind family and friends including my son's best friend) will be there that I haven't seen since the funeral, if not before that have been wanting to talk to me. And i cant handle their interrogation of how im living life without my son. Plus she is having a memorial chair there for my son. Once again, the expectation is for me to be holly jolly for her the WHOLE time. Just thoughts of her getting married and my son not being a part it is upsetting and emotional. Not to mention the other "triggers" that are a part of her day. I love my daughter, and would love to celebrate with her and have a "happy day". Something to look forward to. But, I have to think about the fact that I will be a hot mess, and how will that effect her and her fiance special day. Which is better, my not being there, or me showing up and having moments of being a wreck? It's a difficult decision. Grief does not "go away" after the 1st year. And there is no "get over it" button where one day the grief magically disappears. I understand not putting your life on hold. My daughter and I have had this discussion many times. But, you got to accept people are different and deal with things differently. You expect that for them. You need to do it for them too.
The day you picked is a "trigger" day. Therefore you are making it impossible for her to share in your happiness. Because everytime she has to think, talk or hear about your wedding, she has to deal with and remember the loss. YTA. Either pick a different day. Or be kinder to the family who had to make the difficult choice to not "be there for you on your special day".
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm grieving my Dad but I can't imagine grieving for your child. This has to be a terribly hard decision for you to make. I'm so sorry. I send you all my love and prayers for strength during this difficult time.
YTA
My (23f) half sister Louise died 3 years ago, and Louise's fiance Jack died 2 days before her.
I'm assuming this happened either due to an accident, or due to illness. Still, the fact that out of 365 days of the year, you pick Louise's Birthday as your wedding date is distasteful at the very least.
I sort of blew up and told her she holding onto something that happened years ago and it's not about them, it's about me and Chris.
You have a right to pick a date, just as much as your mother has a right to deny coming on said date. But you do realize that you are literally competing with a dead woman and a dead man for attention?
These two people are deceased, only three years ago and you are expecting your mom to forget about them and stop mourning her loss?
Your mom is right ; you are selfish. Yes your wedding day is about you, but you also decided to pick the birthday of a recently deceased woman as your wedding date.
It sounds to me like you are wanting to put yourself on a pedestal to outshine your half sister. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. There are 365 days in a year and the one day that suited you best for your wedding just happened to be your late sister’s birthday? A day, if I’m at all correct, that your mother has especially grieved on for several years now and that you knew about. Either leave your mother alone or change the date. Consider a few sessions with a counselor to understand your own motivation in selecting that date.
YTA and it sounds like it was accidentally on purpose. Where jealous of your half sis?
YTA. "The date happens to be Louise's birthday"?
Hogwash.
How to say you’re jealous of your dead sister without saying you’re jealous of your dead sister. YTA.
YTA
It's only been 3 years since she lost her other child.
How can you even think about having your wedding on your dead sister's birthday?
You have no respect for your dead sister's memory or your mother's feelings.
You are being incredibly selfish by having the wedding on that date and are massively TA for trying to manipulate your mother into attending and for the cruel things you said to her while trying to guilt her.
You're heartless.
YTA.
There are 365 days in a year, each season is 3 months long, so you had all those days to choose from, and if you had a vibe or time of year, you had months you could choose from, and you chose perhaps the worst day of the year for your mother AND family, and you can't even understand why it is a big deal?
100% you did this on purpose to like, retraumatize your mother? Make sure your sister, even in death, knows that you don't give a crap about her? I can't even imagine.
YTA. I don't know what sort of competition you are in with your deceased sister, but it is even strange you didn't choose the date of her death, to make sure you won.
yta. yes, your mom can’t control you or force you to change the date of your wedding by telling you she won’t go. i completely understand that it is you and your fiancés day but the day of your wedding is also your sister’s birthday. i can see where your mom is coming from in that your wedding should be a day of happiness and love and your mom is still grieving your sister. i’m sure she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about her on that day and she definitely won’t be able to focus on you. also, blowing up at her certainly didn’t help. talk to her about how you feel and try to listen to her and put yourself in her shoes.
YTA
If you want your family at your wedding you ask them for their availability on the date. Your mom is not available. She lost her kid and you want her to celebrate with you on the day she is going to always remember as the first time she hold her other daughter who died 3 years ago.
Damn op, how cold are you?
YTA
You are fine to chose any day you like. But you will have to accept your mom can't face going to a wedding on THAT day.
Your mom is handling this in a reasonable way, you are NOT.
YTA there are 365 possibilites and you choose one of the two worth date for them ??? You are heartless, honestly be happy she’s still alking to you !
Losing a child is more painful than a parent because it's expected for a parent to leave the world before a child. However it took me 6 years to grieve the death of my mom and then another 2 years to get my shit together.
YTA
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Mom. I understand the pain. I lost my Dad five years ago and I mourn for him every day of my life. He was an exceptionally good man, husband, father and provider. No other man will ever measure up to him. 🙏❤️
The chaplain at the hospice that provided my mother's home care in her last months last year said something that has really stuck with me. I had said that losing a child would be harder and she said, "They're equally hard. When you lose a child, you grieve over all the times you'll never get to share. When you lose a parent, you grieve because of all the times you DID share."
YTA. It was only three years ago! And you knew it was her birthday, it's not like you picked a random date not realising. The nicest thing that can be said about that is that it's thoughtless.
I’ve seen a similar thread and I said YTA to that person too. Have the wedding on that date and your mother won’t be there. If you want your mother there, pick a new date.
YTA. Sounds like you are determined to devalue the memory of your half sister. I'm glad your mother is having none of your shit.
I take it you and Louise weren’t close? If it were my brother who passed. I just couldn’t do something a heartbreaking as getting married on his birthday. Your fiancé is ok with the date too knowing what a painful couple of days those are for your family?
There seem to be other issues here between you and your mother. Either work on them or get married and don’t expect her to come and you and your wife live your life.
YTA for trying to hijack your sisters birthday.
YTA
I mean, COME ON. How selfish can you be? Your mom is GRIEVING. You don't care either???
Do you really want your wedding anniversary to be the same date as your prematurely deceased sister
I’m going to say YTA, but more than anything I’m confused why you want want this in the first place. I refuse to believe it is the only date available, and it’s not like there was already a bunch of planning and non refundable deposits made
How else would she know that she "won" whatever weird, childish and pointless competition she thinks is going on between her and her dead sister?
She's just an asshole of the highest order. And it never occurred to her that she might lose that ridiculous contest.
YTA you have never experienced the pain of losing a child you have carried inside of you, loved and nurtured as they grew. Witnessing their first, words, steps etc. Watching her going out into the world with her husband to start her family. I am guessing their early deaths was due to an accident? No parent should have to bury a child and having to do that leaves a big empty place in their life as all the future celebrations will never happen. I hope you never have to live through the trauma of losing a child in any circumstance and the coldness you are showing your mother is unbelievable to say the least. Out of all the 365 days in a year you could only marry on her birthday? The one day when all your mother want to do is quietly remember her child, thinking about the good times and those of her fiance. Your mum isn't putting her on a pedestal, she is remembering your sister. And when it comes to the process of grief this is still very fresh for her. For crying out loud your sister passed 2 years ago, that is still like yesterday to your mum. The disrespect you are showing your mum and your sister is beyond acceptable! You are completely selfish and at this point I am guessing when your sister was alive you were jealous of her and would try to outdo her. If you do go ahead on that day and people ask where your mum is that you are truthful about why!
"My mum isn't here today as I chose to have me wedding today. My sister sadly died 2 years ago and today would have been her birthday, as I am sure you understand today is very difficult for her. We decided though we still wanted our wedding today even though I knew my mum is struggling with her grief, but I decided my mum's feelings are unimportant so she can't come today!"
YTA...you obviously don't understand, a birthday is just as special and significant to the parent as it is to the child celebrating it. Your request is absurd.
YTA Picking that one day out of all the days in the year was an AH move. The loss of an adult child is one of the greatest losses a person can sustain. It’s almost as if you picked that day as some kind of weird test that your mom was supposed to “pass” by choosing you “over” Louise.
Either you had such toxic sibling rivalry with your sister that you’re continuing to compete with her after she’s already dead, or you’re self-centered and oblivious to an astonishing degree.
In either case, do better. And start by rescheduling your wedding.
So to save a few bucks, you’re going to share an anniversary with your dead sister’s birthday?
YTA. For a lot of people, the death of a sibling isn’t something that “happened a few years ago”. It’s a long, lingering pain that only dulls but doesn’t go away. And then! It spikes on significant days like birthdays, their death day, etc. but not you! Nope. For you, those painful days are a chance to save money on a venue.
YTA. Your sister, her daughter, died. Parents don’t get over losing their children. You don’t understand her pain, and she isn’t putting Louise on a pedestal.
Your sister’s birthday is an incredibly hard day for her.
What you need to do is accept that this is how it’s worked out. Suck it up.
Holy fucking shit, YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE in every sense of the word. Your poor mother.
YTA out of 365 days you picked one out of maybe 3 that would hurt your mom. You have issues and your jealousness of Louise is showing.
Why is Louise’s birthday, out of 365 days in a year, the ONLY day that works for your wedding? This I have to hear.
You’re NTA for wanting your mother to attend your wedding. YTA for picking that day.
There has to be at least 300 days that wouldn't have been connected to your sister you could have picked. YTA. It would be one thing if you picked the date because it was meaningful to you, but you picked it out of convenience because the day no longer means anything to you.
YTA
No other day in the year that you could choose? Grief never goes away. It stays and maybe fades slightly but it is always there.
YTA
Can't believe you picked that date, unless it was to inflict additional pain on your mom for some reason.
I feel like I have lived this situation, but in reverse. My brother and only sibling died when I was 22 and he was 20. It was right before my birthday. My then boyfriend (now husband) went with us to the funeral home to make his final arrangements (to give me support, and he had just gone through this exact experience with the same funeral home about 8 days earlier when he lost his dad to cancer).
When the funeral home director suggested the next Friday as the day for the funeral, my dad was all for it. Trouble was, that was my birthday. I didn’t want to say how I felt, which was please please don’t bury my brother on my birthday, but my dad was grieving the loss of his only son, it felt like a bad time to be selfish. Thankfully, my boyfriend chimed in and let the director know that the day he suggested was my birthday. The director apologized, agreed that they can’t bury him on my birthday, and suggested they bury him on the next Thursday instead, which is what we did. It all worked out.
OP, I can understand how hurt you must feel, that no matter what you do your deceased half sister will be on a level of love that will be unobtainable for you, as long as you don’t die an untimely death yourself.
It has taken me a lot of therapy and becoming a parent myself to understand where my parents were and are coming from as they continue to grieve my brother. They don’t just grieve their loss of him, but of all the life he had yet to live, the wife he had yet to meet, the grandchildren they had hoped he would one day bless them with. My father loves me, but he will always love and miss my brother in a way that can’t be described. For every new good memory we make, it will always be tainted with the knowledge that he should be here with us.
When my husband and I got married we incorporated ways to remember his dad and my brother into our ceremony and celebration. It was a day filled with love, laughter, and many happy tears. But it was always our day.
OP, YTA. You could pick literally any other day to get married on other than the birthday of your deceased half sister, but you have decided that this is your hill to (metaphorically) die on. And it is not because you two were close and this is a way for you to always remember her and carry her with you on your journey through life. You are choosing this day to force your mom to choose between her love for you or her love for your deceased half sister. You will never ever win this fight and the more you force it, the worse it makes you look. And if you think you look bad now, just wait until your wedding guests find out why your mom didn’t come to your wedding. You will be the A of legends within your family for generations to come.
Get over yourself and pick a different date.
You have a wonderful husband.
Thank you! I really do. He’s an even better father to our girls.
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My (23f) half sister Louise died 3 years ago, and Louise's fiance Jack died 2 days before her. This was a big tragedy within my family and my mom took it especially hard.
I'm engaged to Chris (25m). We've started the wedding planning and decided on the date that suits us best, in terms of costs, availability of venue etc. This date happens to be Louise's birthday. My mom is completely against it and said that she won't be attending the wedding. Both me and Chris tried to get her to understand but it's been no use. Yesterday mom and dad invited us over for lunch. We were talking about the wedding planning and I told mom again to reconsider, but she just said that she wishes us the best but she won't be attending. I got upset and told her I understand her pain, but this is just how things worked out, and she's hurting me to put Louise on a pedestal. Mom said that it was about both Louise and Jack, and I admit I sort of blew up and told her she holding onto something that happened years ago and it's not about them, it's about me and Chris. Mom got pretty mad and said we were selfish. We ended up leaving early, and dad messaged me later saying that we shouldn't be pushing mom to attend and if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. AITA for wanting my mom to attend?
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YTA for your complete lack of understanding or compassion. 3 years is absolutely nothing when it comes to grieving.
You had 364 other days to choose from and you chose her birthday, that’s too much for your mom and I agree that you’re being a bit selfish.
YTA. Just pick a different date. I know things just work out a certain way sometimes and it could be inconvenient to work around, but having your wedding on a close person's birthday (let alone a deceased one) is very disrespectful. How do you even feel comfortable considering that? Maybe changing the date will be a bit of a hassle and you might have to push the wedding back a bit if there isn't another date available for a while, but that just gives you more time to plan everything anyway.
YTA. Pick a different date. How insensitive, inconsiderate and selfish of you to choose your dead half sister's birthday as your wedding date. You should have seen this coming. There are 364 other days in a year choose one.
YTA. You can choose another date if you want your mom there. You can’t have it both ways and your wedding day is not more important than her deceased daughter. You should know that. You’re being very selfish.
Yta and your disgusting for doing this on purpose there are 264 other days but you picked her birthday? Why how can you be so heartless. Is the truth you are sick of your mother grieving and not giving you the attention you want. How can you be so callous about your half sister. Even if you weren't close this is on purpose and spiteful
You’re lucky your mum hasn’t disowned you. YTA
YTA.
It will be your anniversary the rest of your life. Wtaf is wrong with you?
YTA for choosing to have your wedding on your dead half sister’s birthday. There are literally 52 weekends in the year and you pick the one that will be hurtful to other people.
Why the fuck you would pick your deceased sisters birthday as the day to have your wedding, I don’t understand. But the fact that you’re angry at your parents for not wanting to attend the wedding because it’s on that date is just heartless, misguided and delusional. I’m honestly stunned and I hope this is just a troll post. YTA.
“Holding onto something that happened years ago” her child died. Do you always lack this much empathy??? Why are you still competing with your dead half sister? You seem incredibly immature
Info: if your sister was alive, would you stil hold the wedding on her birthday?
YTA why you jealous of a dead person you got all the days to pick BUT you pick that date ?
JFC YTA. A selfish and insensitive AH. Out of the entire year, THAT is the only day that works for you to get married?! I call BS. If you want to get married, start acting like an adult. You’re acting like a cruel child and you know it.
YTA OMMGGGGGG how can you even ask?? You want to have your wedding on your late sister's birthday like..... Wttfffff it's her child !! Take it on the other side, you have a baby with your husband, and suddenly it dies. There 2 or 3 years later your mother decide to celebrate I don't know.... A new wedding with your father. And they choose the EXACT day of your child birth because "you could just move on its been years", won't you be offended ???
It's cheaper on this one day? Doubtful.
Clear yta and please apologize to your mother.
YTA - there’s hundreds of other days to chose from in the calendar. You picking this one and refusing to change is super petty and hurtful.
YTA pick another date
Why do you want your wedding to be attached to such a sad day?
3 years ago is not a long time. And like you could just find another date. Might be hard but not completely impossible. YTA
365 days and this was the only date you could do it on? YTA
Out all the 365 days in the year you chose that date??? YTA YTA YTA YTA OMFG YTA
YTA and I don’t blame her. My God, it’s just been a few years!
Yta im guessing if you didn't pick that date, it would have been the actual anniversary of her death.
YTA. You decided to have your wedding on the date of someone's death!! Who does that? Your mom is in pain and you threw that in her face. She's always going to associate your wedding anniversary with the death of someone she dearly loved.
A part of me feels you did this on purpose, with intent to force your mother through something or hurt her. I don't know what, but it's not something a decent human being does, especially to their mother.
YTA. Just pick a different date. Your mother is still grieving (3 years isn’t that long) and you’re being insensitive.
YTA and weird
YTA
This sounds intentional. Was it OP?
YTA. Like a major one.
YTA
Your sister died on that day!!!
My oldest brother died 3 hours after he was born. My mom did not talk about him much and my siblings and i only learned about the birth/death date as adults, but guess what did not do... we all got married and had parties but never scheduled anything for that day. The only thing we could not control was births and 2 of grand daughters were born on that day. She was terrified that the births would go wrong, but it did turn the corner for her when everyone was well and now she celebrates that day with joy, she still thinks of her lost son but the date is not a bad day anymore.
Respect your mothers feelings!! It was one of her babies that died. I don't even understand how you could not see the issue from the beginning.
If you want your mom in your wedding just change the date.
You're N-T-A for wanting your mom to go to your wedding. But YTA for wanting her to go ON THAT PARTICULAR DATE. Reschedule!
YTA. You lost a sister and seem to have coped. Your mother lost a child, and hasn't fully coped. A child she birthed the day you set your wedding. You don't see anything wrong with that? Jesus fuck. "Well since she's dead, her birthday is just another day, Mom. Just get over it and show up to my wedding while you're miserable remembering your dead daughter and her fiance who couldn't get married on your dead daughter's birthday."
You're such an AH this can't even be real, what kind of daughter wants to torture her own mother like that, leave the lady in peace. YTA YTA YTA
Info: do you want your own special day or are you trying to one up dead people?
YTA. You’re aware of the date and it’s significance to your mom, yet still chose it and are trying to force her to go along with it.
YTA, oh my stars, what on earth is WRONG with you??? The one single day you plan your wedding is your deceased sisters birthday?? How long have you hated her for, coz this is pretty much the most extra upstaging I have ever heard - getting one over your dead sister by getting married on her birthday.
YTA It's not even like it was the only possible day for the wedding, it just suits you best? How could you expect your mom to be joyful for you on the day her other daughter died? And what, she's supposed to be over it now? She will never ever get over it. You're being cold and cruel to put that kind of demand on her. Not only is one daughter dead, the living one is an A-hole.
Why that date. That feels really just icky overall. I don’t care how you rationalize it it’s wrong. Think of it this way if your sister was alive you would never have picked her birthday. So why so in death? It seems like you did it on purpose to back your mom into some corner; almost as if you’re making her chose between your belated sister and you. Like was attention a competition between you two when she was alive. Do you have unresolved issues, grief or anger that has to be settled? I’m sensing a lot of problems here. There should be no reason, no logical reason, to have your wedding on that date other than you’re being callus and cruel if none of the above is dinging for you. YTA seek therapy.
YTA. Of 365 only your sister birthday is avaliable? I can't believe that, I think you might have try to force your mother to choose you over grieving your sister on her birthday, it's very selfish and horrible, "the date just happens to fall that day" is a lie nobody is gonna believe
Why that date though?
INFO: Were there literally no other dates available? Did you have to pick that specific one?
Nothing says jealousy like planning your wedding on your (dead) sisters birthday. I mean, she got a “death day” so she doesn’t need a “birthday” anymore right? It should totally belong to you now!
In case you possibly missed the sarcasm…YTA!
It is immensely common in families to check on days with the people you absolutely want to be there before booking a wedding. Honestly any couple who doesn't check with immediate family first is self-absorbed. But it doesn't always run to problems.
But you didn't make a mistake or fail to check. You knew that was your half-sister's birthday. It is completely A CHOICE to try to takeover that day. And whatever you have in your mind about the availability of a venue or weather or anything, those are much less important than the underlying desire to take the attention away.
Your mother is being incredibly reasonable. And you can either change your date and get into counseling to work out your jealousy about Louise, and try to make amends to your mother, or you can permanently damage that relationship. And it is indeed your choice. There may be no coming back from this.
YTA.
YTA
This is ridiculously selfish and shows an appalling lack of empathy and maturity on your part. This isn't your mom putting Louise on a pedestal, this is her grief over her dead child.
Yta
Unless you can come up with a good reason foe having tk have your wedding that exact day, instead of the other 364 days of the year.
Like ask yourself if your sister was still here, would you still have it that day.
Amazing! You're admitting that it was a traumatic event and your mother took it hard, you're aware of that and still chose to marry on that date? You could have chosen another date, I'm pretty sure that there was another weekend (of the 52 of the year) that could suit you.
By the way the "told her she holding onto something that happened years ago". Until you have kids and love them see them grow and then lose them, you have no right to tell or imply to anyone that needs to move on. 😡. YTA
I don't have anything nice to say to you, so I will simply stick with saying this: YTA.
YTA you chose to be an ass and to shit on your sister. Your mom is right, you are wrong
YTA You can't tell someone how long they should grieve. Especially, when they lose a child. I lost my Dad 5yrs ago and I grieve for him every day of my life. Maybe when you have kids of your own, you will understand. Or maybe when that God awful day comes that you no longer have your parents you will understand. Not to mention your Mom and Dad lost two people!
There are 365 days in a year, don't tell me you couldn't have found another day for your venue, etc. And before you try it, don't choose Jack's birthday or the days that they passed either! That's 4 days out of the year that you should avoid. I think you can manage it. Sorry if I'm not being overly nice but as a person who is also grieving, you frankly piss me off. Your poor parents... 😔
YTA. Either change the date or accept that your mom won't be there. Grief for a child never ends.
hilarious that you get on your mom for putting louise on a pedestal when your whole wedding seems to be an attempt to knock your dead sister down a peg. YTA
I got upset and told her I understand her pain,
No you don't. You won't understand her pain until you have your own children. YTA
YTA. You say ypu undrrstand her pain. As a parent who lost theor child, you don't understand. She will never be able to grieve the loss on her daughters birthday properly because she will be expected to be happy for your anniversary (every year). Anniversaries after loss are extremely difficult and 3 years is no time at all. I am sure you can find another date if you compromise. You need to decide what is more important (the exact things that make you choose that date or your relationship with your mother. She wants to make your wedding about you and if you choose that date it never can be entirely yours either.
I lost my daughter. There were literally 363 days that you could have chosen for your wedding that would not have been problematic. WTF I know that none of my sons would even consider either their sister's birthday or death day to marry. My girl has been dead for 21 years and those 2 days will ALWAYS mean just that. You are a huge asshole for not respecting that. I only hope this post is fiction.
YTA. As a mother every year on my kids’ birthdays I am transported back to the days I gave birth to them. All the memories of welcoming them into this world come flooding back. On Louise’s birthday your mom will be at the height of grieving. How wildly self absorbed, selfish and obtuse to not understand the devastation of losing a child and how that day of the year will be filled with tremendous pain for your mom. I genuinely hope you never have to experience that pain. In the short term spare hurting your mother even more. No date or venue is worth the wedge you will forever drive between you and your mom. If you’re not mature enough to understand that perhaps you’re not ready to be married.
YTA
Don't even try it with it the "in terms of cost." That is BS. When you're picking dates at the venue, that is really a non-issue unless you want it sooner. Funny thing is that now, it may actually cost you to move the date. 🤣🤣🤣
You saw that date was open and you saw an opportunity to make yourself more important than your DEAD SISTER. Seriously, WTH? How selfish can you be? This is horrible, horrible people sh*t, just so we're clear. Not only did your family lose your sister, they also lost a son.
What you're doing sucks, no matter what way you look at it. Even if you didn't have a good relationship with your sister, your family did. Let's be clear about something, since you clearly want to be the center of attention, who do you think your family will be talking about during your wedding ON YOUR SISTER'S BIRTHDAY? I'll give you a clue: it won't be you.
(Just for fun)
Different scenarios:
- Let's pretend people don't know her BDAY, which they do if they have FB, AND that your mother attends - she tears up because of the whole situation and people will know. You will be rightfully judged.
- Your mom doesn't go. You try to give an excuse but your family will know. Again, people will talk and it won't be nice.
- People find out your mom is not going ahead of time and they don't go either. That type of familial solidarity does exist. So less guests and people will still talk about what you did on your sister's birthday.
So bad relationships with your parents, resentment on both sides and a really expensive opportunity to be judged on for your terrible actions. Or you know, YOU COULD CHANGE THE DATE and deal with the extra costs YOU CREATED. And maybe, just maybe, salvage the relationship you have with your mother by apologizing and showing remorse.
YTA. There is no way the date “just happens to be Louise’s birthday”. That seems like a deliberate choice on your part. Costs likely wouldn’t differ drastically if it was another day of that week or month and it’s also unlikely that a venue could be so solidly booked that the only available day is a day that coincidentally holds a very significant meaning to your family.
From what you’ve said you don’t sound like you were very close with Louise and possibly harbour some jealousy/ resentment towards her or her passing. You feel she is put on a “pedestal” above you, say her passing was “years ago” when in reality it’s very fresh and recent and you also can’t relate to your mother’s grieving and find it unreasonable that she’d still be upset. You mentioned Louise also had a deceased fiancé, which means that she was in the process of getting married before she passed. This contributes even more as to why you getting married on a day that’s heavily associated with Louise is so painful for your mother.
Whatever problems you had or have with Louise isn’t your mother’s fault. This is clearly a very hard time for her and she is uncomfortable with the date you have chosen. I wouldn’t really blame her if she got mad at you for choosing Louise’s birthday as a date, particularly as it doesn’t seem like an unavoidable choice. She’s handled it very maturely by respecting your decision completely, but making it clear she doesn’t feel able to attend.
Also, as others have said, your mother has a right to grieve for as long as she needs to and you can’t demand that she switch that grief off and grin and bear it on the day she gave birth to a daughter that is sadly no longer here. You really should apologise to her, OP, be there for her, and change the date- not just because you want her there, but because you want her to feel comfortable and be able to enjoy the wedding day with you.
NTA for wanting her to attend.
YTA for trying to FORCE her to attend. That date means A LOT to her. It is a painful time for her. Respect that. It can be a happy time for you, but it’s not for her. She needs to grieve. You CANNOT rush her grieving process or force her to feel bad about it.
Wow obviously you have no heart, smh YTA
INFO: Is there a particular reason you two chose that date?
YTA why would you even pick this date? Your wedding will now always be commented to your sisters death. It seems intentionally cruel
YTA There's 365 (or sometimes 366) days in a year, you can easily pick another date.
YTA
Other things you could have done besides your sister's birthday:
Elope and don't invite anyone. Use the "reception" as a birthday party for the sister. Move one week in either direction/any of the other 364 days of the year...
YTA. So you will be commemorating your wedding anniversary EVERY YEAR on the same day as your late sister's birthday and you see nothing wrong?
Yeah, I don't believe it was an accident. Pick another day or understand your wedding is not as important as a day to remember a dead child that was taken from this world too soon, in the eyes of your mother.
My brother died 6 years ago, I struggle every year on his birthday.
I couldn't imagine being so selfish as to plan my wedding for that date.
Your mother isn't putting your sister on a pedestal, YOU are trying to hijack her birthday and make it all about YOU!
You need to remember that your mother lost her child, that day will always be unbelievably painful for her, it's the day she gave birth to her daughter and now she's gone.
You are incredibly selfish and so is your fiance.
A massive YTA to you, and your fiance.
YTA! Pick another date. Even if your sister hadn't died, picking her birthday to get married on wouldn't be cool. The fact that she and her fiance died, so young, is heartbreaking. Of course your mother doesn't want to be celebrating on her dead child's birthday.
YTA. 100%.
YTA. You have 364 other dates to choose from but picked the one that is excruciating for you mom. The logical consequence is that she’s not coming, which is TOTALLY understandable. But you don’t care about your mom’s feelings at all, just YOUR wants. Good job for being both callous and needy.
YTA. Do you have kids? You’ll never understand her loss and you have 364 other days to choose. That kind of pain will never subside for her so no sister or not you will NEVER understand what your mom feels until you have your own child.
YTA why would you pick your sister's birthday? And then get upset that your mother isn't keen on the idea? Of all the days to pick.
YTA
Worked out the best? Like planning it a day later or a week even etc. Would've had such an influence. You don't get married on the day your sister died... I thought this was an unspoken rule.
Yta
YTA No one will be joyous or be celebratory of your nuptials. All they will focus on and talk about is your deceased sister’s birthday and that will suck for all y’all
Pick another date. YTA
YTA
365 days in a year but it had to be that one. Okay, you don’t feel anything about it being Louise’s birthday, go on then, get married. But you can’t force your mom to be okay with it or to spend her dead daughter’s birthday forgetting and celebrating. YTA for not accepting her decision.
YTA
Digging in your heels till the last minute on this date specifically then telling your mom to get over it stinks of jealousy and entitlement.
You're going to destroy your relationship with your mother over this and that is a huge mistake.
Goodluck!
Op YTA you never stop grieving the loss of a child regardless of their age. You mom lost a daughter. She’s always going to grieve and miss her and a part of her will always ache for her kid. It’s a pain that will not go away op. She will think on every celebration/holiday and birthday it’s a missed memory she could have had. My heart breaks for your mom because I could not imagine having that pain and then having a daughter try to hurt her.
Honestly you sound terrible with this post. She’s not asked you to move the date but recognize that she isn’t ready to do a celebration on her dead daughters birthday. Maybe when you have kids you’ll see this in a different light. But apologize to your mom and try to move the date or understand that your mom isn’t coming to your wedding.
YTA. Change the date, but don't invite your mother.
YTA
Where you actively wedding planning before your sister died or did you start after ?
Second it didn’t happen “years ago” it happened 3 years ago that is still very fresh for many people .
Also how selfish can you be ? Your mother lost her child and her future SIL . And you are making this about you .
Your mother is putting in a place a boundary and you need to respect that . She has told you no , that is a complete sentence back off .
I'll bet that if the day Louise's died fell on a Saturday the OP would have picked that day.
YTA. Your sister died. You picked your dead sister's birthday to get married on and expect your mum to put her grief aside to celebrate your wedding. She can't do it. You want the impossible and are angry because she can't do it. Your mother will always grieve for your sister but by picking that particular day you are making it so much harder not just for the wedding but for every wedding anniversary. It will always be your dead sister's birthday first and your anniversary second. Do you honestly want to spend your whole married life like that? Your mother in pain and you feeling second best? Pick a different day and you both stand a chance of being able to celebrate your marriage on the wedding day and every anniversary.
YTA. Everyone has a different experience and perspective on death and grieving. Personally, I believe that at some point, you need to continue living and not let certain days (like birthdays, holidays, etc) completely tie you down in misery. But that took time, and 3 years is honestly not that long of a time to let go of those feelings of grief. On top of that, you expect your mom to feel in the mood to celebrate your wedding on the birthday of her daughter, your half sister, when she never even got to see her walk down the aisle before she passed. Not understanding the emotional toll that would be on not only your mom, but I would imagine other family members as well, is incredibly selfish and what makes you the AH. I mean, it's your wedding, but don't act like you don't understand why some people might choose to not go if you decide to keep the date.
YTA and this was intentional on your part. I don't know why, I don't what your problem is but that's the only answer I can come up with.
We just picked our wedding venue too, I'd never do something like that.
YTA there are literally 364 other days. Your mom buried her child. That date will always be a sad day for her. My mom lost my brother 7 years ago and doesn’t even celebrate birthdays and his birthday is hard for her.
You’re being a jerk
YTA! My sis and BiL had similar reasons to have their wedding on my birthday…my 30th at that. I’m lucky my parents and the rest of our family told them it was rude and inconsiderate and to pick another date or they wouldn’t be receiving financial assistance nor would I be attending or MoH. My sis eventually came around and apologized but my BiL still thinks I was a jerk for taking away “their day” from them. There are 364 other days you could choose from and I’m sure there are plenty of those days that would not take away from another persons special day nor upset someone. And it’s not like this day has a special significance to you it’s just the most convenient it sounds like…
YTA. OP, 365 days in the year. Pick literally ANY other date. Do NOT get married on your dead sister's birthday.
YTA because it’s not like you didn’t know that date would be a problem. You chose it to make your mom choose between you and her dead kid. Wtf makes you think you aren’t the AH here? Honestly, you sound cruel and your mom deserves better.
Holy shit YTA. Are you really so jealous of your mother’s grief that you are holding a celebration on the anniversary of your sister’s death?? I don’t care what you say about the date, because that’s exactly what you are doing. You are 100% trying to make your mom forget about your sister. That’s the ONLY reason you would pick that date.
Seriously - is that literally the only date you could find?
YTA she's a parent who lost a child. You're trying to take the day she died and make it different for your mom. You can't do that nor are you allowed to. Given it's her daughter that died pick another damn date. The way you talk about her is very disrespectful. If I were your mom I wouldn't go even if you did change the date.
YTA
Yikes Talk about being selfish.
YTA out of 365 days of the year you chose that one. My son died 23 years ago & I'm still grieving. That day for a grieving mother is no longer a day of celebration. We lost a part of ourselves that we will never get back. Ever! It is a loss that is indescribable for a mother. You can hardly breathe let alone want to celebrate. That day that used to be so happy is now a reminder of what you have lost & will no longer ever have. It is something your mother cannot control. She has no control of it ever again. It is just taken. She is not putting her on a pedestal. That was very selfish & immature of you to say. It is hard for a man to understand you do not carry that baby inside you as part of you for 9 months. A mom does. Your child is literally a part of you forever. No matter what. I hope you change the date so that your mother can have that day to share with you not having to think about what is gone. A day that you can all celebrate a new beginning. Isn't your mom worth it?
You ARE being selfish, YTA, for not having any heart whatsoever.
You deliberately chose your deceased sister’s birthday. How could you not be in the wrong? Unless there’s a wedding genie who’s just handing out special dates YTA.
YTA! Unless you're getting a $10,000 discount for doing it that day it's not worth it. There are 364 other days to choose from. Why are you trying to make your sister's birthday all about you. It would be your big day. It would be your anniversary and celebrating your sister would be a side note. Your mom deserves better. Your child's birthday is such a huge moment. The day your life changes forever and reflecting on the love you have for your child is important. That will always be your sister's day not your day.
Troll
YTA on so many levels. 3 years is not long to grieve a child. Id think yojd miss your sister too and understand wherw youre mother is coming from. Pick another date and stop being so freaking self absorbed.
YTA - Literally pick ANY other day. The fact that you didn't and then took it out on her makes it pretty fucking clear you're trying to overshadow your dead sister, which is pretty despicable in and of itself, really shows how little she probably meant to you in life given the way you treated your mum and told her to get over it.
Your own sibling, this is so fucked.
YTA. Knowing that your mom is still grieving hard, you are refusing to change the date so that it's not smack in the middle of a painful time for your family. You owe her a HUGE apology,at minimum, for losing your cool.
Gross, OP. You’re just gross. YTA and it’s not even a close call. What a selfish, wretched thing to do… and to your own mother no less.
YTA YTA YTA is this a joke? You could pick any other date except your dead sister’s birthday. Telling her to stop holding onto her daughter and her daughter’s fiancé’s death from years ago? Do you have a heart??
There was no other possible date that would have worked? YTA
Yta pick another date the grieving process takes time.
You are aware there are like 364 other days in a year right? Pick a different one! Yta
It's my day!
For wanting her to attend no your not but for everything else
YTA a bloody big one. Especially for this
and I admit I sort of blew up and told her she holding onto something that happened years ago
It's only been 3 fucking years.
Parents are not suppose to outlive their children.
We are suppose to watch our children grow, maybe marry and have their own children. Then when the time comes they bury us.
You do not understand her pain and unless you ever have to experience it you never will.
Apologise to your mother and choose a different bloody day.
YTA.
Your mom will NEVER get over your sister's death.
You don't get to decide how anyone other than yourself should grieve.
You need to get over yourself. You should apologize to your mom. She doesn't deserve this nonsense.
YTA. Your Mom set the boundary and you repeatedly refused to respect it. She's allowed to grieve for as long as she needs.
Your sister died. And you picked her birthday to get married instead of the other 364 possible days to get married! How do you not know this wouldn't go over well?! YTA.
YTA. There are 365 days in a year. If you want a weekend there are 156 weekend days. If you want a particular day of the week there are 52 of those to choose from. Sounds more like you came up with excuses to pick your sister’s birthday to be your wedding date. Why would you want to associate your wedding day with your sister’s birthday?
Just because you moved on quickly doesn’t mean everyone else did. Your mom was pretty reasonable too. She declined to attend, probably because she didn’t want to be a weepy mess at your wedding. I know I would be if I was in her position.
Yeah, I’m not sure I’m buying it “just happened this way.” There is more to this story than OP is letting on and my guess is has to do with some jealousy about how much mom was affected by this tragedy. There may have been a period of time that mom wasn’t (understandably) the parent she was before.
Changing the date would be the right thing to do. Take the hit and salvage your relationship with your family. And, OP, I would suggest some serious introspection as to why you are so hung up on this date.
Moderator removed comment
1.8y
Cu OP ppp pph
YTA. Change the date and stop competing with a ghost.
YTA. My Mum had a stillborn 2 years before I was born so I never met her or had any connection to her. It was 46 years ago.
To this day, each year on her birthday my Mum drinks and plays Whiter Shade Of Pale all night and cries.
I would never ever hurt my Mum by choosing my sister’s birthday as a day of celebration for myself. Have some fucking empathy. You chose this date on purpose and it’s not playing out the way you’d hoped.
YOURE a trash person OP. Straight garbage.
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