UPDATE: AITA for telling my wife to mind her business

UPDATE

Tl:Dr: My wife found out our babysitter, Atlas, was non-binary and asked some overly invasive questions about him, which shocked me and made me snap at at her.

This wasn't really a dramatic/difficult situation to resolve, thank you for the affirmation and correction on my language.

Less than a day after this was posted I talked it through with my wife, and she agreed that she was in the wrong, and offered to apologise to Atlas, but I didn't think it was a good idea to tell Atlas about our conversation, so that wasn't a concern.

Some of you guys were quick to judgements, which is understandable but no I am not an abuser and my wife is not a bigot. She told me this was new to her, and she was surprised because she'd had an image in her head of what trans people look like and Atlas didn't really fit that as they looked more like a cis-guy, and she wanted to know why, but had gone too far.

It was suggested that I ask her how she'd feel about someone talking about our kids like that, and this did make her realise why I'd reacted the way I did. I apologised for snapping and she apologised for her comments and for not letting me explain myself.

So everything ended well. Atlas is still babysitting for us, and my wife made them some cookies, which he shared with the kids.

in AmItheAssholeby [deleted]

386

87%

jrm1102

409

Sultan of Sphincter [988]

Its amazing what happens when people actually communicate

[deleted]

225

Yeah, I think people on reddit sometimes forget thats a possibility

Redditetor

It's not always that they forget. They just don't care. There is a class of people, who are not here to help, but for amusement disregarding everything else. They want some party to be the evil one, so that they can dunk on them.

pinkduckling

Partassipant [1]

To be fair, this is AITAH. We want an AH!

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

Lol true

GimmeTheGunKaren

Partassipant [2]

But then we wouldn’t have this sub to read when we’re supposed to be working.

PicklesMcpickle

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

Please... I'm supposed to be sleeping!

BalmoraBum

I'm supposed to be doing homework!

wayward_painter

Partassipant [1]

In complete fairness to the sub. Sometimes the over reactions can make people see the extreme ends of the argument. Choose your own adventure style to give their own reaction to the situation better perspective.

Secret_University120

170

Y T A for not overreacting and blowing up your marriage for our amusement. The nerve of some people

Edit: spacing in Y T A

luckyjoe52

Also for using the IRL blackmagicfuckery of “communication” which is banned in this sub

EthanVB123

Partassipant [1]

Just a note for funny judgments, use Y T A as to not trigger the bot

Cultural-Slice3925

This sums up Reddit in one simple sentence. Well done.

anon19111

Wait! Another AITA problem solved by NOT blowing up the relationship and salting the earth. Amazing. Who knew?

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

Yeah, commenters on AITA tend to be kind of insane, it can be useful, but don't blow up marriages/relationships over them (most of the time).

FeralCoffeeAddict

Honestly. I rarely will comment very divisive opinions myself. I’m one of those people that tend to always try and look for nuance and understanding (admittedly to a fault at times, but I’m still in therapy learning when I should and shouldn’t. Life is hard lol), so I always get a bit miffed at the “nuke everything and fuck off into the sunset” mentality a lot tend to have. But I think that a lot of people also tend to treat every single post as fake, and they also have literally zero skin in the game, so from what I’ve seen it’s easier for someone who will experience zero repercussions to offer advice and views that they would never actually enact in their own lives as a way to almost live vicariously.

Edit: little->lot

AgitatedJacket9627

Certified Proctologist [27]

So true.

enkilekee

People with good intentions need to be educated about changes in our society. Those are the people who inform others. We all need to show grace if people are willing to correct their ignorance.

catfriend18

The best I’ve ever heard this phrased was in a random comment on an advice column that I wish I could find again and likely never will. It was something like, “while we’re racing up the hill of progress we shouldn’t forget to stop and lend a hand to those walking slowly behind.” It was such a beautiful way to phrase that idea that it’s worth, as you say, showing grace to people who are trying but don’t have it quite right yet. I think about it all the time.

Angeloh0716

Partassipant [1]

Glad you worked it out

First-Industry4762

Partassipant [3]

Good old reddit: switching to one extreme to another.

Sometimes letting a party cool off and just communicate normally afterwards, is all you need.

DeathByPlanets

Allies with good communication skills and a partner willing to learn is going to protect those of us like Atlas in far reaching ways than you as a cis man could likely imagine

I'm so glad for you and your family 💙

ColSubway

Some of you guys were quick to judgements

"That's... why I'm here."

[deleted]

Fair 🤣 I meant about like the backstory of our marriage. I had people DMing me asking if my wife was a religious fanatic(?), and people accusing me of being abusive/having called my wife disgusting in the past.

Poolman2024

Great outcome

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

Yay! Happy endings! I feel like the how would you feel if it was our kids was a very useful piece of advice from whoever said it, and I'm glad you guys made up. Also, cookies solve all harm🍪 🤣

User deleted comment

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

I think you meant to reply to the guy in the comments, not OP 😭🤣

[deleted]

I hope so 🤣 I was very confused reading this

big-as-a-mountain

Meant for someone else yeah, I apologize. I’m not sure what I did wrong but it was something. Deleted now, hope I didn’t cause offense.

[deleted]

Not at all, I realised less than a half a sentence in it wasn't meant for me 🤣 as someone has pointed out you might have meant to reply to a thread rather than on the post itself.

Have a good day!

User deleted comment

BergenHoney

So happy for you that you can think about their genitals in a more accurate to you kind of way now. That must be such a relief for you!

[deleted]

They are neither a boy nor a girl. Please do not refer to a child as 'it' in any context, regardless of your political beliefs.

Nishi621

-20

Partassipant [2]

They shared with the kids.

If Atlas is non binary, I am sure they prefer the pronouns they/them.

Just saying

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

OP says Atlas uses any pronouns, as they are genderfluid. Lots of genderfluid people like mixed pronouns. Not ever nb person is the same and chances are you don't usually know more about them then the person writing about them.

Nishi621

Partassipant [2]

all I read in their post was that Atlas was non-binary I didn't see anything about gender fluid, thanks for letting me know.

LimitlessMegan

Atlas is genderfluid - not NB. And they have told OP they are open to all pronouns but seem to use he/they the most often. As OP states in the first post.

I’m non-binary and use mostly she, sometimes they pronouns for reasons not all non-binary people make the same choices. I have plenty of non-binary friends who use fea and xir. They/them is a nice default but OP has clearly asked Atlas what he prefers and is clearly respecting that so there’s no need to correct him.

Nishi621

Partassipant [2]

I already apologized for this and in the post I read above, I never saw the 1st post, the OP does not state gender fluid, in the post above, the OP only states that Atlas is non-binary.

again I apologize, I never read the 1st post. Apologies!🤗

jmbbl

-25

Pooperintendant [64]

I'm glad you guys were able to talk it out and your wife came around. As to "my wife is not a bigot" though, the way she initially reacted and the kind of invasive questions she asked are the exact way a bigot would respond.

Tamihera

Sometimes it’s just ignorance. My mother had swallowed a lot of the transphobic stuff floating around in the UK media, and it wasn’t until I sat down with her and starting talking about the average life expectancy of trans women and the suicide rates of trans teens that she really understood why trans-affirming medical care was so crucial. She went from sounding like a bigot to “Oh, that’s so terrible, I had no idea, those poor girls!” in the course of a half-hour chat.

Hellokitty55

It really does. My cousin came out while we were in college. We’re Asian. She really thought my cousin could change back lol. I was like no, mom… lol.

Your mom sounds so sweet

Misstribe1973

I tried to explain this on a reel on Facebook. It was a Station 19 reel and it was to do with the ftm teen. The father was supportive but the mom refused and continued using the dead name so the parents divorced and he had full custody of their son. She tracked them down and tried to snatch him. I said I was really glad he had 1 parent who supported who he was. I immediately got attacked by bigots telling me I was crazy. That anyone who believed in trans people and called them by their preferred gender needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital. That teens should not be supported in the craziness and instead get psychiatric help. I replied that in most cases the teen has gone through multiple years of therapy before being able to live as their preferred gender.

Also I said that when I got pregnant and give birth I told my children I loved them completely. I didn't say, as long as you only do what I tell you to do. If they decided that their birth gender isn't who they feel they are that's fine and I will help and support them with it. I got almost 90 bigots replying to my comments plus messaging me privately telling me to off myself.

sklonia

-3

Sometimes it’s just ignorance

Right but that's the point.

The vast majority of prejudice and harm comes from ignorance, not intentional hatred. People need to stop viewing these terms as accusations of intent, because they aren't. They're saying "you did something shitty on the basis of a marginalized trait".

This language doesn't need to be charged, we all have prejudices programmed into us by society. We need to admit that so we can recognize them and not perpetuate them. Pretending our own prejudices don't exist is not progressive, it's narcististic.

StuffedSquash

We will literally never get anywhere as a society if we brand people by their first action that we don't like and don't allow for growth. Bigotry is noy a binary state of being, it's actions. People can change their behaviors.

jmbbl

-3

Pooperintendant [64]

I'm not saying otherwise! What I was reacting to was op's kneejerk "my wife is not a bigot" reaction. Her initial response was based in intolerance and it's important to name it. I'm glad she was open-minded enough to change course, but let's not be dishonest about where her head was at to begin with.

Tamihera

jmbbl

-6

Pooperintendant [64]

And that's great! I love when people are open to having their minds changed. But OP was reacting to some of the comments from his original post that called his wife a bigot. And though he clearly doesn't want to think of her as a bigot, her initial response was absolutely bigoted.

tawstwfg

-8

Asshole Enthusiast [6]

No. A bigot would’ve responded with disgust and/or angry, and would get Atlas out of the house, never to return, asap.

sklonia

viewing prejudice as black and white hatred or acceptance does not help anyone. The world is nuanced and human beings are complex. Unintentional harm is no less damaging than if it were intentional.

jmbbl

Pooperintendant [64]

No. There are levels of bigotry.

tawstwfg

-3

Asshole Enthusiast [6]

It’s not hard to look up the definition, so I’m good with my comment.

Night-Is-Right

-53

No one cares.

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

Bro when he realises he can scroll on things he doesn't care about instead of being annoying: 😱😱😱

Moderator removed comment

Sad-Seaweed-59

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

Dude, who hurt you? 💀 Do you live your life being negative?

tawstwfg

Asshole Enthusiast [6]

Soooo, about that rule about being civil….you may want to refresh your memory. You are posting a lot of comments on this for someone who claims not to care.

jrm1102

Sultan of Sphincter [988]

I do!

Night-Is-Right

-30

Awesome. You and OP should talk about it for hours on end 👍

jrm1102

Sultan of Sphincter [988]

I might!

tawstwfg

Asshole Enthusiast [6]

You didn’t ask, but you are being an AH. Just stop commenting if you don’t care.