I(36m) spent a lot of time basically raising my brother and sister. When I was 9, our parents separated for eight months. Our mother spiraled during it. She pretty much just slept when she wasn't working. My siblings at the time were 2 and 3 and I spent a lot of time with them, made sandwiches for us at dinner time, got them to bed, tuck them in, and always waking mom up or calling dad to come take care of them.

They got back together but when I was 13 dad died. Mom spiraled worse then before. She worked, slept, and was gone most the night especially on weekends. I did everything for my siblings at that point and when I was 15 I was able to work some weekends just to help pay for extras for us. It went on like that until I was 18 and left right after graduating high school. That seemed to be the kick in the ass mom needed to get her shit together.

I have since done therapy and mended my relationship with her but aftermath is I just really don't want anything to do with kids now. The thought mentally drains me.

My siblings have kids now and have wanted me to be involved since the first nibling was born 6 years ago. I don't ignore them, I show up for their parties, and I'm nice when talking to them but I don't draw out interacting with them. I don't act fake excited and I don't want to go to their events. I don't have them over my house despite them and the rest of my family always suggesting I do because they're convinced I'd be a 'fun uncle'.

Recently I was picking up my camping gear from my sister's and my nephew asked to go with me and I told him no but definitely when he's older. When I was leaving my sister said I should take the kids sometimes because they're always asking about me and my stuff and suggested that she and BIL come too if it'd help. I told her no thanks. She asked why I refuse to be more present in my niblings' life because she remembers I was a lot of fun with her and our brother.

I told her it mightve been fun for her but I was doing what needed to be done to keep them happy but it's okay if they remember it differently because they were so young. It's just after that I don't want to be around young kids. She dropped it.

Earlier today our Nan text to tell me no one would be upset if I skipped our cookout next week so I didn't get stressed out around all the kids. Was I wrong for telling her why I don't get more involved?

Update: Just got off the phone with Nan after I text her earlier. It was a polite disinvite due to my sister telling her I don't want to be more involved with the kids because I am kidded out after raising them. Per Nan "It's selfish to be full of piss and vinegar over doing for family and that's not [family name] way. Your nieces and nephews need you like sister and brother did, if you can't put the bad aside you don't need to be around the kids for now. We don't always want to show up for family for whatever reason but we do it." I'm going to talk to my siblings, especially sis, this weekend to clear this up.