AITA for calling my parents evil?

Not the A-hole

I (33m) had a very big fight with my parents over the way they speak to and about my wife Raine (32f). The end result of the fight is I asked them how they could be so evil and told them they should reflect on how heartless they are acting but that would require them to have a heart. Of course that is a very strong stance and calling someone evil is extreme. But they have infuriated me and I don't look at them the same anymore. But I want to know if I went too far.

So background: Raine and I met in college and we started out as friends who fell in love over time (2 years). We got married a year after Raine graduated and we knew we wanted to start a family so we agreed to try before we were 30. We were successful and Raine got pregnant with our daughter Miley.

But we didn't have a happy outcome. When Raine was 8 months pregnant with Miley, her father and brother were involved in a car crash. Raine's brother lived for 8 days after and her father for 9 and on the 10th day our beautiful Miley was stillborn. I struggled to hold it together but Raine's losses were just unbearable. That time of year is always difficult for Raine. Three losses in three days and she found it hard to come back from that. Those losses are still felt very strongly.

Fast forward a few years and Raine is expecting our son. The somewhat difficult part is he is due around that same time. It's somewhat bittersweet because Miley should be excited about a baby brother, my FIL and BIL should be excited about another baby joining the family, but they're not here. This is where my family comes in. My mom told Raine that she can now focus on happiness around that time of the year instead of sadness. I told mom she was being insensitive and my mom said Raine needs to decided this will only be a happy time so our son isn't burdened by the losses. Raine told my mom she would still be happy about our son but there'll always be a sadness about our losses. My dad's response was to say Raine should keep that to herself and act like it was any other time of the year. My mom agreed with him and said all honors to the dead should be kept private. Raine said that's not how grief works and it's not how love works. I told them it wasn't their decision how we honor or remember those we lost and I warned them to be very careful. So my parents decided to go for the worst thing they could say and they told Raine she will be a terrible mother to our son and he deserves better, that he deserves to be more important than loss and grief. I asked Raine to wait for me in the car and it's when the fight with my parents took place. They argued that Raine was being selfish and acting like she was the only person who ever lost anyone. They wanted me to take our (mine and Raine's) son away from her and oh, I still see red when I think about it.

Calling them evil hit a nerve and I was told by my parents and some of my siblings that I took it too far. While I'm not sure there's any coming back from this.

AITA?

in AmItheAssholeby Left_Application_287

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Maleficent_Age2479

26d

So is Miley alive or stillborn?

Lhamo55

-1

Asshole Enthusiast [5]

26d

That bit about should be excited about a baby brother placed the final seal of doubt on this post for me too.

And if true why has no one here or in OP's circle suggested grief counseling for the wife, especially now that she's expecting and her due date is around the same time as their tragedy? People here like to focus on (while missing some interesting details) pushing the drama of no contact, and miss the obvious need for addressing the root of the issue- here getting therapy for the purported loss of loved and expected ones. But then there wouldn't be a premise for this writing exercise...

ETA read that part again and I think what OP is saying is Miley, FiL and BiL should be here to anticipate and greet the new member of the family but they're not because they're dead. Which adds OP to the point made in my next paragraph. He could also stand to get some counseling so he and his wife can focus on being 100% present for the child who will supposedly be born into their lives. The dead have moved on, it's time for these two to do the same for the sake of their child.

jediping

🍰

25d

Him going to therapy is not going to make his parents any less toxic. There's also no indication that they have NOT been to therapy for their grief. Going to therapy for grief doesn't magically make you not have lost the person/people you are grieving. It just helps you process things and make sure you're using healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the very real, normal emotions you feel, especially around anniversaries and holidays.

The dead have moved on, it's time for these two to do the same for the sake of their child.

You honestly sound as heartless as OP's parents with this comment. First, you have no idea if the dead have moved on and no longer care about those they loved and that loved them in this life.

Second, they are clearly "moving on." They will always live with the loss of a child and the wife's father and brother. That's never going to change, no matter how much therapy or positive thinking people do at them. But they are trying again to have a child, and they had been trying to include their remaining family in their joy, but OP's parents not only are concerned that the wife is still sad but WANT TO TAKE THE CHILD FROM HER. That's not just toxic positivity, that's toxic full stop.

Yes, over time, we can expect grief to become more manageable than the initial hurt, but it never goes away, and at times, including unexpected times, can come back just a strong, or even what feels like stronger. Having healthy mechanisms to cope with that is fine. Trying to pretend it doesn't happen is not. Life will never be the same for OP and his wife, even when (hoping and praying) their son is born healthy. They will feel that joy even more because of the loss they have suffered. They won't love their son less for having loved and lost his sister, and the wife's father and brother. If anything it will be even more deep and help them to value their time together more, with the reminder that life can be unbearably short and painful with them. That's being a lot more present than if they're trying to use some of their mental energy to pretend that they don't actually have feelings for lost family members instead of focusing on their son.