AITA for not helping my partner fall asleep?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

My partner has insomnia, and struggles to fall asleep without something like conversation or a video. I've been really tired lately from my job, and sometimes it means I fall asleep even if I'm trying not to.

I've been falling asleep a lot more first and thus not helping my partner get to sleep as intended. We've had an argument about it and I'm unsure if I'm the asshole for falling asleep or if the response to me succumbing to my exhaustion from work is justified.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

NTA and you need to shut this down. Falling asleep first affects HER abiltiy to sleep!? Insomnia or not that is bullshit, it is incredibly unreasonable for a grown ass adult to make somone else responsible for their sleep. She is not a child who needs to be told a story before bed, she needs to figure this out, probably with a professional, on her own.

NTA

I have insomnia. You are *not* causing her not to fall asleep. She is angry and upset that insomnia keeps her, but she cannot aim that anger and upset at insomnia - it's pointless and self-defeating - so she needs to discharge it at something.

What does she discharge it at? The nearest target. You. What she needs to do is talk to a doctor and get the insomnia treated. And she needs a therapist to help her understand that externalizing her frustration at insomnia and projecting it onto you is a toxic psychological maladjustment that threatens the relationship. And that, in fact, by doing this she is probably making her insomnia worse. She's already frustrated with the insomnia. She's just adding irrational rage on top. (And guess what chronic sleep deprivation does. It destroys emotional regulation. Trust me...).

If she absolutely refuses to do these things, then you're going to have to ask yourself whether you want this for the rest of your life or not.

NTA

I have a more challenging time falling asleep than my partner, and I go through bouts of insomnia. The man sleeps like a brick, and can be out within seconds of closing his eyes. It's not in any way his responsibility to help me get to sleep. I can't imagine getting mad that he's sleeping well.

Why is she more entitled to sleep than you are? Why can't she just play a video for herself? And what do you mean you're getting kicked to the couch in the middle of the night??

Your partner sounds like she doesn't care about your well-being. This isn't acceptable behavior.

NTA - you're not her emotional support blanket. She dealt with this before meeting you, and she needs to cope. You don't have to be intentionally sleep deprived just to make her happy. Why is her sleep so much more important than yours? Why do you have to actively suffer to make her happy? Why would she want you to suffer? The gaslighting and making her problems your responsibility is just.... gross. Tell her to get on meds or use whatever method she's used the 20 years previously. I have insomnia and wouldn't want my partner to suffer just to keep me company. Maybe get an ESA? (emotional support animal.)

YTA for even thinking you're the AH. You just want sleep my guy. A basic human NEED. Sleep deprivation is a war crime for a reason.

NTA as an insomniac I know I can't rely on my partner as he needs sleep. Just because I am not sleeping doesn't me he shouldn't. She should seek medical advice to resolve her issue.

NTA

1. She needs medical help if her insomnia is affecting her and your relationship
   
2. Yes it sucks but she shouldn't be lashing out at you
   
3. Tiredness may play a part in her irrational behavior here
   
4. It's ultimately not your job to manage her sleep
   
5. She needs to take responsibility for her health and go see a doctor

NTA- if your gf was a decent person she would understand how hard you work and your need for sleep, sounds more like she has a control problem.

It’s not your responsibility to be her Sandman every night. She needs to get sleep tests done and see a doctor and stop putting the blame on you.

NTA

I’ve been an insomniac for eighteen years. It’s gruelling, but I would never ask my partner to compromise their sleep for my own. My husband falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow with the understanding that I can wake him if I really need him. She has to sort through this on her own but I really suggest getting help for insomnia especially if it is severe and impacting both your lives.

NTA at all but she is. I'm an insomniac. This is not how you handle insomnia. You are responsible for establishing your own routines to manage this. She should not be hoisting that responsibility on you AT ALL. That's selfish and immature of her. I get being tired AF. I really do, but there are other things she can do, like vigorous exercise during the day, go to sleep and wake up schedules at the same time every day, don't drink caffeine, don't watch TV at night or read a book, even some medications.

You need sleep. You can't function without it. She's basically bored and wants you to keep her company. This is no bueno.

Put an immediate kibosh on this. Tell her you're not helping her anymore as you must have sleep and it's not your fault that she can't sleep and, IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HELP HER SLEEP. While you sympathize, it really isn't a personal affront for you to fall asleep before her. She's being ridiculous.

Honestly, if I were mistreated like this, I'd consider moving out. When I finally do get sleep, I get really cranky if I'm awakened. It affects my memory, my mood and ability to function, as I'm sure it's doing to you.

This sounds like you're expected to have seld- imposed insomnia to balance out hers. I don't understand how any partner would want theirs to suffer. I have insomnia and it's terrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You're NTA and need to set boundaries. Sleep is important. You need it too. She can find other ways to help herself that aren't you suffering.

NTA! She sounds like a small child insisting on a bedtime story. I’d shut this down immediately. Tell her to get to a doctor, figure it out and keep you out of it. If it were me this may be a dealbreaker if it continues.

NTA

Your partner needs to seek medical/ expert help for her insomnia.

It’s impractical and unreasonable for her to rely on you as a tool to help aid her sleep.

You also need to prioritize your sleep to function at your job.

She needs a new solution to her insomnia.

NTA...she needs to seek help for HER problem so she can find methods to help HERSELF. She cannot simply pass her issues off onto you to deal with.

NTA It's one thing if you didn't work but you're exhausted and you work. She needs to be able to fall asleep on her own. It's nice you help her, but if that's the only way she can fall asleep- what if you were in the hospital? What if you end up in the fucking hospital because she keeps you awake and you get in a car accident from being sleep deprived? Is she still going to be mad then?? Fuck that yo.

Tell her she needs to find a method to fall asleep and that's it.

NTA. You are so exhausted you don't even see how above AH she is being. Her insomnia is one thing, but please appreciate the damage you are doing to your own sleep cycle. Falling asleep mid-convo means your body is giving up. Your condition is also very very harsh. You gotta fall back and focus on yourself right now.

Are you freaking kidding me?

She is a grown up, (apparently) and needs to figure this shit out on her own. How on earth did she ever survive without having another person to fulfill her every need to battle her insomnia?

What exactly does she care about YOUR sleep? JFC, you are NTA unless you keep putting up with this bs.

End the nonsense now, tell her you have tried your best, but you cannot be her insomnia treatment, as it's affecting YOUR sleep. Encourage her to seek other help and you will be supportive of her, but you can't BE the treatment.

NTA - a heavily pregnant insomniac here. When I know I won't be able to fall asleep either due to the insomnia or a small human kicking at 1 am,I go to the spare room so my husband can get a decent night sleep. Just because I suffer, doesn't mean he has to suffer too

NTA. You have the right to sleep, too. Having you lose sleep so she can sleep is a none sense.

NTA. If you choose to continue this relationship, you might consider separate bedrooms.

I’ve never suffered too badly with insomnia, however I do know how frustrating and exhausting it is not to be able to sleep. That being said I’m an adult, and it’s MY problem to sort out.

NTA. Tell her to grow up and stop expecting you to mother her.

NTA. She is not to dictate how and when you sleep just because she has insomnia, period. Second, two of you or she herself need to get to the reason why she has insomnia. And last, watching videos is a nice and convenient way to NEVER get a good deep sleep.

Maybe you should have separate bedrooms. My partner and I don't sleep well together and do this. We snuggle and all of that, but when it comes to actual sleeping, separate. Then your partner can stay up and watch TV or read and you can get some sleep.

NTA and this is truly unreasonable of your girlfriend. She needs to manage her own sleep habits and find what works. You are not her emotional support animal. You see that phrase thrown around here a lot but it is very fitting.

Edit to add: the fact that she is making her sleep issues about you and the fact that it is starting to affect your quality of sleep is a problem. Sounds like you're trying to find compromise, but it's possible a 2-bedroom situation might be better for you guys. I am all about separate bedrooms, I think it makes for a better partnership.

NTA I have insomnia frequently and even though I take sleeping pills they do not always work. I find that I need to keep my mind on something else (like your partner). What I do not do is keep my husband up.

If I am having trouble I get out of bed leave my sleeping husband and close the bedroom door behind me. I then go to the living room lie down on the couch and watch reruns of a tv show or a movie I have seen many times and this distracts me from the whirling thoughts that are keeping me awake. I eventually fall asleep on the couch.

I then use the following day to address the issues that were causing my anxiety and try to put them in perspective.

That is the way a mature and healthy partner should deal with it. It is her problem not yours, going to counseling is a good idea for her, so she can learn to deal with her issues herself.

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I (F26) live with my partner, and have for a few years now. She suffers from insomnia, and struggles to get to sleep without methods to help, like having a video playing or answering questions.

It used to be that I would do BuzzFeed quizzes or look at TikToks with her, or just chat until she fell asleep. However, nowadays I work a full time warehouse job, 9:30-6, Monday to Saturday, and find myself utterly spent by the time I go to bed. I still try to chat and engage her so she can fall asleep, but I often find myself falling asleep mid convo first. This has been the cause of several arguments now. I have insisted she can have videos playing aloud if she needs it if I fall asleep, but she's refused that option when I've brought it up.

Most recently, last night I fell asleep pretty quickly, I don't even remember much from once I laid down. At about three in the morning we had an argument where I was asked if I was doing this on purpose and how it's effecting her sleep. Tonight I was in bed earlier than her, trying to get sleep for work as I work Saturdays, and she eventually joins me and asks me not to do it again tonight, despite a few weeks ago the same arguments leading her to saying I should go to bed earlier. While fighting to stay awake and strike conversation, she decided in annoyance that she didn't want to talk to me and told me to just go to sleep instead.

I'm just not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but I'm really upset and angry about this. I feel like I'm getting jerked around for falling asleep first when most nights I'm not trying to. I know insomnia is a harsh condition so I do feel bad when me falling asleep first stops her from falling asleep until like 4 in the morning; but, I also am sick of things like being kicked to the couch so she can sleep with space for the night, only to be told she didn't sleep well when I ask.

So, AITA for not helping my partner fall asleep?

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NTA

Her insomnia is a her-problem, not a you-problem.

Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. Get couples counseling or get somewhere safe ♥️

NTA and your partner is being codependent and abusive. She needs to work her insomnia out with her doctor and stop torturing you just because she enjoys it.

NTA her sleep is her responsibility. Tell her to see a doctor. Seriously someone messing with my sleep like this who was SO needy would be a dealbreaker.

Ask her how she would sleep if she was single...

NTA

She is an adult and is being a huge AH to you by not allowing you to sleep. She needs to learn to deal with herself. Good luck bud.

NTA her sleep issue isn't your responsibility and it's impacting your quality of life. She needs help, maybe from a qualified professional, but it's far from your job.

NTA. This is her disorder and she needs to find a way to deal with this on her own. Involving you is incredibly disruptive to your own sleep and is hugely unfair.

NTA. She is the one with the insomnia, she is the one who needs to figure out how to get herself to sleep. She is being a total fucking asshole. It is not your duty to help her fall asleep. And now she is interrupting your sleep. Waking you up at 3 in the morining to fight is completely unreasonable. You need your sleep too. She is being extremely selfish & entitled. Idk if I could stay with a person like this. She's being very disrespectful to you.

NTA. She is actually endangering your life by depriving you of a good night's sleep! You have a MUCH higher risk of having a car accident or work accident if you are sleepy during the day.

Ask yourself is this what someone who truly loves you would do? Is this how a loving partner behaves? Is this what you want for even one more day?-

NTA. Your partner is weird. She is an adult woman, right? Then she is responsible for her own sleep. Keeping you up at night when you are already exhausted is controlling and mean.

NTA. She needs to find less co-dependent ways to deal with her insomnia. How did she deal with it before you started dating? You started going to bed earlier at her suggestion and she's still mad. She sounds hella controlling.

NTA. You are not keeping her awake. Her condition is keeping her awake. You have been being used as her soothing method to get to sleep, which shouldn't have been the work around because it's not going to be fair to you. She needs to see a sleep specialist and find another method to fall asleep. She's being unreasonable by taking out her anger and frustration on you and by ignoring the fact that you are also tired.

NTA But yuor partner is being one. She is a grown ass adult, not a child, and needs to figure out ways on her OWN to fall asleep. You are not her mother and she is not a toddler. I understand how hard insomnia is, but you cannot be the one responsible for getting HER to go to sleep at night.

NTA. I have severe insomnia, and my boyfriend falls asleep in 5-10 mins after going to bed. I would never ever even think about waking him up. If I can’t sleep- it’s not his problem. I would just lay there silently or quietly go to the living room and read. Sleep is important. Just because she isn’t getting any, doesn’t make it ok for you to fight to stay awake just to entertain her.

NTA but why are you moving to the couch?? I don't have full blown insomnia but there's some nights it takes a few hours to fall asleep. I'm jealous my partner can pass out in 10 mins while I'm quietly turning like a rotisserie chicken for an hour, but that's my problem. And there's nights that I'll move to the guest room or couch so I don't accidentally wake him up since I'm moving so much, but I can't wrap my head around asking him to move

I have insomnia, but my husband falls asleep with ease. I’m sometimes a little jealous but I would never dream of waking him unless there was an emergency- he needs sleep too. Your gf needs to see a sleep medicine doctor and also a therapist. NTA. 

NTA looking at your phone before bed is not good for sleep, she needs to find other coping mechanisms to help herself. If you do want to do some things to help her I would suggest shutting off all devices, doing some breathing exercises, listening to calm music, maybe pouring her a hot cup of sleepy time tea, those are nice ways to support her but not putting the pressure on you to get her to sleep. Insomnia sucks but I would never force someone to stay up until I fell asleep.

Sooo i also cannot fall asleep until like 11pm most nights but i in no way make my partner help me fall asleep.... he works monday-saturday as well i work part time and care for the house and kids just because i cant sleep doesnt make it his problem. I jave found ways to help me sleep kn my own. I also would never kick my partner out of OUR bed he falls asleep most nights by 830pm half hour after the kids get to sleep we put some crappy show like family guy or american dad on the t.v. he falls asleep and i stay awake until i get sleepy enough to lay down. Your gf needs to find other ways to help herself sleep. Its not your responsibility to help fall asleep. You can support her yes but she also needs to understand your sleep needs are far different from hers.

No you're NTA. I also have trouble sleeping  and so does my partner, so maybe that's a good thing.

For example last night I didn't sleep at all. I was up all night until about 1130 am which was over 24 hrs awake at that point.

I'm used to it. When I was in University I would game all night, and sometimes only get 1 hour of sleep. I graduated on the honor list.  

The only way to make her happy, may very well be to caffeinate and stay awake. She feels lonely and wants your Company, so make a coffee or tea and stay up with her. But you have to ask yourself if the juice is worth the squeeze. And if you're able to function on 4 hours of sleep. Some people can, some can't. 

NTA. There's no reason for her to expect you to sacrifice your sleep because she's an insomniac.

She needs to work on her nighttime routine on her own.

NTA she’s started using you as a sleep aid, but that’s not fair or sustainable. She needs to work with a therapist and find another solution.

NTA my partner sleeps very little, undiagnosed insomnia is my guess.

I cant count the number of times I've woken up in the morning to him sleeping on the couch because he doesn't want to wake me up when he gets restless. He would never expect me to lose sleep to help him fall asleep.