AITA for saying I'll take on more responsibility so my parents can foster/adopt my special needs cousin but only until I'm 18 and then I'll be done?

You were parentified, and that's abuse. It's a shame that other adults (as teachers or grandparents) didn't realize or didn't care and didn't step up to protect you.

I think you are right about going to NC with your parents. They are in a hard place but it was their choice to keep having children (aka Amy). I understand they didn't know that your oldest brother was in the spectrum before they had another child (third kid) but they knew they had 2 kids with severe special needs (non-verbal) before Amy and they still decided to have her and burden you. Now they are manipulating you to spend more time one-on-one with your siblings while they ignore your needs. They are toxic and way over their heads.

ETA: I'm a teacher myself and I worked with students with severe ASD. Their curriculum included teaching them to make their sandwiches, setting the table and putting clothes to dry in the racks, for example. It takes time and the school and parents (not OP) should teach them those life skills.

Agreed.

They've asked you to be the third parent and that's not appropriate.

NTA.

Your parents had a child with special needs, which is a life long commitment, then decided to have more children.

Every time you have a child you lessen the quality of life and that amount of care you can give to the children you already have.

They had two autistic children and yet carried on having children when they clearly aren't able to look after their children without help.

You are a child and you are being left behind.

Your life is not for the purposes of taking care of your siblings, its simply not your responsibility.

Their decisions to have children and keep having children and now adopt are theirs alone.

Will your cousin be going to private school too?

What about Uni for you?

When are they having their next child?

You're right. In the wrong foster home he won't be treated well. But what about you? Do you think you're being treated well in your home? You're a damn kid and are stuck being a parent to both yourself and your sister. You deserve to be happy

You’ve been heavily parentified. And that’s not okay. “My” 19 year old daughter moved in with me after turning 18. Her mother treated her much as you’re being treated. I had been her safe place since she was little. My 19 year old son has always been best friends with her. I’m the one she asked to come to her awards banquet, her graduation, and to her psych appointments. I’m the one that knows she’s been inpatient psych because of her mother’s treatment and her mother’s boyfriend’s treatment of her. If you have anywhere to go when you turn 18, start making arrangements. I started having her with me when she was 15 for anywhere from a weekend to a couple of weeks when she couldn’t handle taking care of her five younger siblings (now ranging in age from 2-16). But after she turned 18 she changed her legal address to mine. She’s got the paperwork to change her surname to mine, and she’s asked me to do an adult adoption. It’ll alienate her mother and my friendship with her mother but I’m beyond the point of caring. She’s flat out told me her only happy childhood memories are with me and my parents, effectively the only grandparents she’s ever known.

I sincerely hope you are able to find your people. It doesn’t sound like your parents have given you the ability to have friends. If you can, I’d see if there is a school social worker that can help you to start making a plan now. (Social worker isn’t always a DCF social worker. They’re also in a lot of schools and hospitals.) I wish you the best. No one should ever put their child in your position. They’ve gone to such extents that they don’t care they never gave you a childhood. I hope you find your people soon, and do not let them guilt you into staying or you will never get out. I’d also make it clear if you do not want guardianship of the three with special needs you tell them, you put it in writing, and you save a copy for yourself. Bad parents like yours have been known to designate guardianship without actually asking if it’s okay.

OP, can I suggest you post this to an advice sub or bring it up at school with a teacher like your Head of Year?

You are clearly NTA.

However, this whole post suggests both you and your family need support you are not getting. What support exists will depend on where you are and how local services are structured.

Your parents are trying to deal with this alone, and they clearly can't. You aren't meant to be respite care, you aren't meant to be permanent care for your sister, and you should be being cared for yourself. If your parents can't see how they would cope with you leaving in 2 years time at 18, then they need assistance. But most importantly, they need that assistance now, not in 2 years time.

Sure but nobody is feeling bad for YOU

You have been parentified. All you can do at this point is what you are currently doing - remain calm, continue to be a household member but clearly and frequently tell them the consequences of these actions. Do some reading on parentification so when they throw stuff at you like “everyone needs to help in a family” you can feel confident in your replies.

Most importantly, when you turn 18 you will need to follow through. It’s very common in situations like yours for contact to basically be nothing. You have to consider the long term as well….if you do stay connected are they going to expect you to care for your siblings and cousin when they can’t?

They’re trying to have things both ways — they don’t see you as a kid, but they control you because you are a kid. Adults don’t just get work to do, they get to make decisions.

Your decision, when you reach 18, is entirely predictable to anyone who sees you as a person. Please make sure you get hold of your documents well before, and seek outside support. Others have done this before and can advise you.

For now, try to insist that one of your parents take at least a week off from work, in order to do everything that you’ve been assigned to do (while you do nothing). It sounds like they’re just throwing more and more tasks into your bin without any regard for how much work they are. You’re their child, not their slave.

You are in your own home and not being treated well.

You are being expected to put all your time effort and resources into caring for kids that are not yours and that are significantly impacting your chances for a successful and independent future.

Your parents are willing to sacrifice your future to care for the things they want but can only achieve if they work all the time and never actually care for the kids they are needing to provide the best for.

Why aren't you in private school to further your education and potential future?

What sacrifices has anyone made so you can have a good future?

You are NTA

Your parents suck and will not be the one caring for your cousin either. They want to look good to others at your expense

I used to try and get Aimee to help out with some light stuff and my parents told me to let her enjoy her childhood.

So you don't deserve a childhood? Your parents, if I'm being very tactful, suck. They suck so hard there's a vacuum!

You are the glass child in this. Yes, your siblings need attention but that doesn’t mean you need none.

You are in an awful situation, but please remember not to blame your youngest sister.

You've had a lot shoved onto you, and it should be your parents who pick up the slack. It's easy to resent her for having a childhood you didn't.

They obviously don't know what age appropriate chores are.

When my stepdaughter was 8, we had her assist us with chores so she could learn for herself. If you have any relationship with her, maybe approach it like that. We would talk about our days while sorting laundry. Or I'd let her play with the bubbles by rinsing the dishes. She was excited to learn to make foods that were on her cooking level. Scrambled eggs. Then eventually Fried eggs. Boxed Mac and cheese. Grilled cheese.

God she was so smug when they had home ec in middle school and she was one of the few kids who could already do the basics.

You deserve so much, OP. When you escape your family at 18, get into therapy to unpack all of this. Treat yourself. Be a little selfish. Give yourself moments for your lost childhood.

they no longer see me as a kid.

Tough shit for them, then. If they see you as an adult then they should respect your decision to step tf out when you're 18. You've lost your entire teenage years raising your youngest sister while they supported your autistic siblings, they never rewarded you for it, and now they're essentially demanding you double your work load without acknowledging just how much you do.

Hard NTA. You've sacrificed so much for them and hardly got a Thank You for it.

I am surprised you have just not completely checked out right now.

NTA... I'm surprised you're still there... they took away your childhood and teen years.... I'm glad you're planning to go NC once you're older.... Try and take breaks for yourself think of your mental health and wellbeing

Have you ever spoken to your parents about how you feel? Calmly and seriously? They obviously shouldn’t be putting this on and should see this isn’t ok but it sounds like over time they’ve relied on you, you’ve been there and been reliable and so they’ve assumed it’s ok and dumped more on you. This isn’t ok and they need to realise that you are a child who needs to have a chance to experience a childhood too. You can see that this is hard on everyone, and your parents are probably stretched much too thin, and it is reasonable you help out some but your needs appear to be being completely forgotten in all this. It sounds like your parents make good money so perhaps they need to consider a part time caregiver, and maybe a regular babysitter for Aimee to allow you to have nights to yourself. I also think it’s reasonable to ask where your 1-1 time with your parents is, and point out that whilst you understand this is really difficult, they need to consider you in the same way they consider Aimee in terms of the relationship they work on with her. I hope they can listen to you if you do have this conversation with them and realise they need to do better as YOUR parents too.

I have to wonder why the parents even decided to have fourth child (Aimee) when by that time it must have been clear they had two special needs children.

This. And also, is there no other family who could step up for this kid? Why does it have to be them? It shouldn’t be - they don’t have the resources for this.

I don't disagree. I merely meant that I sympathize that they likely feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Logically it doesn't make sense, emotionally, I can understand why that is clouding their judgement.

You can have good intentions and still be an AH and I think OP did the right thing here.

If social workers are aware of the situation, either your parents will change, or they’ll lose all of you. Would that really be worse?

If you decide to stick it out, where will you go at 18? Because if you have the slightest chance of going there sooner, take it. Different circumstances, but the parents of my husband’s bestie took him in at 17, and it transformed his life.

You're what is called the glass child. They see through you, because they can only focus on the kids that need more attention.

I think your parents are burned out, and desperate to put out fires all the time, that they don't see the bigger picture anymore.

I would start to focus on your escape plan more clearly. Other kids your age can get a job outside of school and save up. But I doubt you have time for that, while running an entire household with 4 kids (!)

Talking to social workers about how your household is managed, when the talks about fostering your cousin starts, could be the easiest way to get more help. They might decide against your parents taking your cousin in.

You're certainly NTA for what you said. You're probably heading towards burn-out yourself. When is the last time you did things for yourself, for fun? I would start with asking/demanding a few moments a week or even a day, to yourself. Have a regular day a week where you hang out with your friends after school. Your parents will just have to deal, or get a different babysitter for those times. You have involuntarily already sacrificed most of your childhood for your siblings. There is nothing more left to give.

I have experience with foster/adoptive issues.

If they go ahead with trying to adopt, a social worker will be involved. When that happens, you 100% need to speak to the worker away from your parents. Tell the worker what your parents are making you do, and what your plans are for when you turn 18.

This will probably slow down the adoption and force your parents to adequately plan for their life without you being a third parent.

Move out now. Gather all the evidence for everything you do and what they did to you, how they treat you, get all your important documents and move in with them. I’d love to see what your parents want to do against that. They’re severely abusing you for years now, no one would send a 16 year old back into this situation. And you have enough people to testify against them.

What would happen if you just moved out to your best friend's parents' place? At 16, police or CPS would investigate, but they would take your views into account as to where you want to live. Provided your friend's parents say you can live with them, and you can demonstrate how your home life is affecting you negatively, you could potentially "escape" well before 18.

Police/CPS are unlikely to drag an unwilling 16-year-old from a safe environment back home to an abusive environment (which it is) without at least investigating carefully. And this investigation would have a big impact on the kinship foster caring approval so your parents might decide not to cause a fuss so as not to jeopardize the kinship placement (for which they will likely received funding!)

OK so here's the new plan for the next two years.

Say no.

"Not my kids, not my responsibility"

Keep saying no.

Literally refuse. Stay at school as long as possible, go to the library, go to friends' houses. Go to your grandparents or aunts and uncles. Basically go home the absolute minimum.

Let your parents figure out some alternative.

Would it be possible to go LIVE with your grandparents or aunts and uncles?

Yes they will go nuclear but at this point you have nothing to lose.

Damn, when i was 16 i was only worried about friends, girls, and school. Your childhood is being stolen in an unselfish way but stolen nonetheless. I’d say speak up about how you feel and the consequences of what will happen if nothing changes. The first tactic to be used will be guilt, but to be honest , everyone was delt an unfortunate hand because I’m sure parents are doing the best they can and are working hard. They’re trying to be selfless to a fault and expect you to do the same. It’s not your responsibility and you’ve already sacrificed a lot. It’s your choice but I think they should seek aid from some other source

I think regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen with your cousin, you should cut contact with your parents at 18. Go explore the world. Try playing a guitar, going on a road trip, go drink with your friends, make some bad choices and learn from them. You need space from your parents to discover who you are besides being a caretaker. If you want, you can always reconnect with them at a later time, but you don’t have to. But you should at least go NC for a few years to live your own life. They took 18 years from you. You at least owe yourself the first few years of your adult life.

Please please talk to a teacher or school counsellor about this. This is child abuse.

Please know that you DO matter. I'm so sorry for how your parents treat you. Standing up for yourself like you did is healthy self-preservation. You're NTA for what you said. Please, take the time to be a kid while you still are a kid. You didn't deserve to be robbed of your childhood.

What would happen if you stopped cooking and cleaning? You already live like a prisoner, what more could they do to punish you? It would be best for you if you could get a job and start saving to move out. Do you have your drivers license?

Are they getting paid to foster this cousin?

Wish you all the luck in the world. Get out.

Enact this plan as soon as you are able. Your parents probably think that once you are out of compulsory education, you are going to be a full-time carer for your siblings and cousin.

I already know I'll work and won't continue with school. I am hoping I can keep my grades decent enough to graduate but I won't be getting good grades either.

It works a little bit differently when it comes to kinship v. non-kinship placements. But you will be asked about what you do, and you shouldn't lie. It may actually be against the law to lie as part of a home study - if it isn't, it should be. If you just tell the social worker the truth, no one can reasonably fault you for that.

Ah, so you are in the US. Check out the following link: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/emancipation_of_minors#:~:text=A%20petition%20of%20emancipation%20must,to%20children%20and%20vice%2Dversa.

Use what is there, with your state's resources, and make your life better. And if your parents get too nasty, remind them that they saved a ton of money on carers for your siblings, that a court MIGHT agree is owed to you.

Ok, i m sorry, you are definitly nta. Is it possible for you to talk to a social worker that is working with this case of your cousin? You can talk to them that you will be made a caregiver and thats parentification of a child and also that you ll not be here after you became an adult and your parents have not figured out what to do. This is for the safety of your cousin. This is not ok. I m sure help can be arranged for your cousine. Your carents cant use you as a caretaker of your cousine.

Or paying for housekeepers and babysitters instead so OP can be a kid