AITA? Being excluded from annual family Christmas Dinner

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

(1) limiting future interactions with family for being excluded from Christmas.

(2) I might be overreacting and being childish for even caring that my family is being excluded.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

NTA If they dont want you over, they shouldnt be surprised when that feeling becomes mutual. Your extended family sound like they wanted to just be coy about excluding you if everything you said is true. Arrange to meet with your grandparents if you want since its possible they werent in on the whole arrangement either, but I wouldnt look back.

NTA. Your aunt has made her position clear and none of your family tried to stop her. Send cards from now on. Stop repairing bridges they keep burning.

NTA, aren't family dynamics wonderful? Given the fact this isn't the first time you and your family have been excluded, try not to take it to heart. Use this time to plan something new and different for your family and make it a tradition. Let your Aunt and crew think whatever they want, apparently they already do. Meanwhile the best way to get back at them is to not let it get under your skin and show them that they are not a necessary part of you and your family having an awesome holiday. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

NTA

But is there a reason that you and your kids are excluded, like behavior problems?

NTA, but I'm wondering if your aunt was piled on and had no intention of having that many people for Christmas until it kept snowballing after she had already talked to you.

You may want to reach out to her and say hey, I know this whole Christmas thing happened to you at the last minute, is there any way I can help? Can I bring you a dessert/salad? And say if she wants to do a bigger dinner next year you and your kids are happy to come but since you know she didn't sign up for the big family dinner you're actually a little excited to have a quiet Christmas at home together, since you won't have them at home much longer. You just want to offer help if she needs it.

This is a gracious thing to do if you don't really want to break ties with your family. If deep down you do, then go a different route :)

Return the gifts to the store. Take this opportunity to have a wonderful, cozy Christmas at home with your spouse and your lovely teenagers. Cook your own delightful Christmas dinner , either polling your teens for desired dishes or doing whatever dishes you enjoy most. Relish the idea that you're creating a new tradition for your kids that will knit your little family together.

Start your own traditions and forget them..

So wait, your aunt has excluded you and your children from other Christmas/Holiday events for years? Did I read that correctly??

And now is hosting after telling only you that she wasn’t??

Your aunt sounds like a horrible mean spirited person. I wouldn’t want to spend anymore holidays or time with her personally. And honestly I’d consider going low contact with the others that have also been complicit in excluding you from these events.

Start new traditions with your kids. Make cookies. Create a Christmas dinner with them using foods you all enjoy. Return or donate the gifts you purchased.

And if you want to be REALLY petty, post it all on social media. And when people ask why you weren’t with your family or in any of their posts just say ‘oh we weren’t invited. I was told aunt wasn’t hosting and figured everyone would be doing their own things’.

I truly hope you and your kids have a wonderful Christmas.

INFO did you ask your aunt why you weren't invited and the whole family was?

NTA. They distanced you without additional conversations. Why shouldn't you do the same if you feel it's best?

NTA whether you distance yourself or get closer in the future, you are not the ahole. What an intentional shitty thing to do. I am sorry and it is a heartless act that no family member has reached out to you re: this exclusion.

I'd send a message to the host, and cc the rest, "Hi, just checking-in, in light grandparents not hosting our family Christmas, I'm reaching out to clarify that me and the kids are not invited to your home for Christmas dinner this year. If I misunderstood, please let me know ASAP. Thanks and Merry Christmas.

This benefits you so they all know you three have been excluded once again and it shuts down anyone attempting to wiggle out by saying, "She misunderstood....they decided to do their own things.

Once the message is sent...release your feelings that bind you up cause we don't control what we do not control....then brainstorm with the kids on the fun, crazy and wonderful things you three can experience on your terms...corn dogs (or any non traditional favorite food or Chinese buffet) food for dinner-yes! Paint a crazy mural or other art and display it....Essentially: Create your Memories Intentionally. Best to you.

NTA return the gifts. All of them. Your brother and your grandparents should be standing up for you.

Oh please, return or resell the gifts and tell them they're awful people who like to exclude kids one week before Christmas. NTA. When they'll be old and in need, remember this year

NTA it’s understandable to be upset in this situation - the best thing to do is forget about them and have a great Christmas with your immediate family

Maybe donate their gifts to a shelter. Plan a family and friend celebration for you and yours.

Merry Ho Ho.

NTA. Don't send their gifts either.

PLEASE - do not let let your aunt hurt you or for you to take this personally.

Yes, your aunt is a jerk, but you are not.

Give yourself the time to make the Christmas for Your and your family. This is a wonderful opportunity to create "family traditions." Find out what your boys would like to do.

NTA to be pissed and feel rejected.

But let it roll off your back. Enjoy the time with your kids, your spouse.

Consider going for very LC with the rest of the family,

NTA return their gifts and enjoy the quiet holiday and make a new tradition

NTA. Take this as the opportunity to start your own family traditions.

Wondering what your brother thinks about this. Does he know?

NTA

Return the gifts for the ingrates. Have a lovely Christmas day with your family at home. Turn off your phone and don’t look back.

Oh look, your family just got more gifts as you can now allocate those gifts to your children that were meant for the cousins. NTA. See this is a blessing to be home with your family enjoying the day instead of dealing with difficult people. Do all the things, take lots of pictures, and go brag about how despite the fact your grandparents are not able to host this year, you are having the most wonderful day still with those who matter and love you. If anyone reads more into that than you having a good day with your family, well it sounds like they are projecting a bit and shouldn't be upset that you are enjoying time with just your family.

My husband’s aunt suddenly stopped inviting just our family to everything she hosted. Without reason, to our knowledge. Like they invite literally everyone, including random boyfriends/girlfriends of people but not us.

We’ve never said anything. I deeply regret that we didn’t address it immediately. This has been going for several years and we don’t know if his Mom actually told his Aunt not to invite us or if his Aunt was upset about something. We’ve asked his Mom and she says it’s “sheer numbers.”

Take the opportunity to address it now. I wouldn’t lobby to be invited but just let them know it is hurtful that you were excluded. Once a bit of time goes by it’s hard to backtrack to say why we’re we excluded?

I really know how you feel. My only family told me he forgot about Christmas until last week. He has 2 kids who write Santa. It's impossible not to feel hurt. NTA

Time to bite the bullet and recognize that you're just not that important to them. Return the gifts and use the cash to have a nice time for yourselves, and go nc/lc with the Scrooges.

NTA

But if you aren’t invited to Christmas there - you shouldn’t give gifts to them. Return them and use that money to make a happy Christmas for your family.

First off, NTA.

Question — has Aunt been exclusionary before this?

I’m going to try to see Aunt’s perspective…

It seems to me that Aunt simply extended the Christmas morning thing with Brother and added the grandparents.

Because this was her usual tradition, she probably didn’t think of it as a replacement for the thing with the grandparents and your family.

When she said she wasn’t ready to host on short notice, she was probably being truthful in her mind.

She had to rejigger the day for Brother and the kids, and adding the grandparents probably seemed to be a small amount of additional work. Adding four more people may have felt overwhelming on fairly short notice.

I don’t think she intentionally and actively excluded you. It feels like it’s more of an oversight caused by the chain of thought I described above.

My gut is to let it slide and see what happens next year. You may want to speak to your Aunt and see if it was an unintentional slight. If you can do it non-confrontationally, you may discover that she’s surprised that it came across that way.

Best of luck to you and may whatever Christmas you have be beautiful and warm.

NTA, at the moment your emotions are very raw. Focus on Christmas Day and your immediate family this year, maybe start some new traditions. Wait until you can think more clearly, free from the raw emotions, and then make your decision. No need to rush, just focus on making this year a great one for your kids. (This year we are making it a day of our favourite things. We have all picked a dish each for me to make and the kids have picked their favourite PlayStation games. Spending time and enjoying our day with our favourite things is our focus and the kids are very excited).

I think OP is not telling us the reason why they are excluded.

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I’m in my 30’s, married with two teenage kids. Every year we go to my Grandparents on Christmas Day for dinner. Our Xmas get together consists of my family, my brother, my Aunt/Uncle, 3 cousins and their kids. We have a fairly small family. Well my Grandmother is in her late 70’s and decided just this week that she didn’t want to host it this year. Totally understandable that she doesn’t want to host anymore, timing is a bit short notice but that’s fine.

Every year either on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning before my Grandparents thing, my Aunt will have my brother, three cousins and their kids over to make cookies and do gifts. So when my Grandma said she wasn’t doing Xmas this year, I figured my Aunt would tell me “no problem, just come to my house”… but she didn’t, she said she wasn’t ready to host it but would start next year due to the short notice. What is kind of hurtful is that my Grandparents are now going to my Aunts house on Christmas Day for dinner.. as well as my brother, cousins and their kids. They’re cooking and doing the whole thing. So when she said she wasn’t ready to host it, she meant she didn’t want my family coming lol.

We’re nice to everyone, helpful and give good gifts, we’re not difficult people to be around. They are though so a part of me is relieved we won’t be going to Christmas and will be able to do our own thing but another part me of is pissed and hurt that we were left out.. and I have already purchased gifts for everyone. My kids and I are semi-often excluded from things so I’m not super surprised but somewhat am because it’s freakin Christmas lol. AITA for this Xmas thing being the final straw and limiting any future interactions? I’m kinda just done with all of them and over it. They’ll think I’m the asshole for distancing myself but I think it’s more than justified.

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NTA that's really hurtful. I'd be upset too. But hey, at least you get to have a chill Christmas with your family. We used to do the chaotic family holidays too. But now we just stay home and relax. It is absolute heaven. If we want to lie around in our jammies all day, playing with our gifts and watching Christmas movies, we do. We don't even cook (although I do on Christmas eve). We get take n bake pizza and just enjoy each other. I highly recommend it!

NTA

I would respectfully ask for some clarity as to why everyone is being hosted except for your family. Depending upon that answer, that would give me reason to set that distance boundary or not. You deserve an explanation at the very least. Judge the explanation and then make a decision

Are you an AH for responding with, basically, doing nothing, to they AH behavior? No. Duh.

Yeeeah, that is definitely a slight.

Make your own Christmas tradition, invite your own chosen family going forward.

NTA

Joke...My neighbors had a meeting about the "neighborhood crazy lady" and didn't invite me.

Return the gifts. Take the money and go out to breakfast Christmas Eve morning, buy a few easy ginger bread houses to decorate, make slice and bake cookies, get Chinese for Christmas Eve, have easy breakfast breads Christmas morning, and something very easy Christmas Day. Write your kids poems. Play a q&a card game where people answer questions. But excellent popcorn and invite your kids to watch a movie. Play Christmas music. Go for a short hike.

Let it go. You probably know why and just don’t want to verbalize it.

Op- NTA. Return the gifts, no reason to give them if you aren't celebrating with them. Use the money to treat yourselves to something Fun for your family. Distance was what they wanted, so absolutely give it to them, and make plans to be busy next year!

NTA my mums sisters did this all the time in a very two faced way which become difficult for my grandparents being put in the middle. After my grandparents died the sisters would only allow funerals without service or anyone there and booked this prior to speaking to my mum. Didnt care the idea upset us. One of them had an estate agent round to value bungalow before Grandad had even been cremated...we were basically told not good enough to be there when ashes scattered but one of them will take us out on a walk to point out location. Over the years my mum, sister and I have spent a lot of time worrying that it must be because we're dreadful people. Come to realise though far from perfect we are good people that are unfortunately related to some right arseholes that seem to enjoy excluding us and pushing us out of our own family. Amazingly the middle sister (who we were close to but she is under the thumb of the younger sister) can't understand why we're upset and have ceased all contact with her. Some people like playing games and in a way it's gaslighting making you to think you've done something wrong.Don't let what your family are doing upset you this is a reflection on them not you! Go celebrate with your kids and don't think about them xxx

Yta, because how much clearer can it be that they don’t give an f about you or your family ? Literally everyone in the family is going except you ….And then they’ll play the victims and you’ll have to bend over backwards to save the relationship . Omg Livid-Concentrate524 it was an accident get over it the holidays don’t revolve around you .

I sympathise but NAH. You're a family of four, you have to take it on the chin when people don't want to host you. Generally the pattern in families is that traditions break down and realign when grandparents age out of hosting. I think it's one of those situations where you can acknowledge the hurt but you'll look like the bad guy if you take offence.

NTA but did you consider hosting the family yourself? Families often arrange things so all adults or families bring meal contributions and it isn’t too much of a burden for the host.

Alternately perhaps you could host your grandparents and brother for Christmas Eve, Christmas evening or Boxing Day to still have a larger family Christmas for your family. Are you close to your brother? In this situation my brother would be included in my family gathering rather than at an aunt/ uncles.

Perhaps start your own family tradition with the part of the family you feel closer to.

I understand how hurtful it is to be excluded, and you imply that this is in character and a pattern with your aunt- however, she has hosted everyone before the usual lunch which sounds like she has made an effort. Maybe start new traditions with the family members you are closer to. Or is there a chance that the total number of people is an issue for your aunt and as a family if 4, but not one of her own kids, or parents, and your brother just being one person, that to reduce numbers your family is the one excluded?

You say it is a small family gathering, but if your 3 cousins have partners and children the numbers can add up quickly. With all of you is it around 20 people? I’d suggest starting new traditions, or consider hosting yourself. Given that your grand parents are no longer hosting, this is a family transition time and hopefully you can set something up which really works for your family. I am sorry that this year has been so hurtful and I think your aunt has handled this very badly.

NTA. Go over when they're all there, and text them all that you've dropped presents off on the doorstep, and that you hope they have a Merry Christmas. Then head home and enjoy the break