AIO For Getting Upset My Fiancé Didn't Tell Me She Was A Former Addict?

I don't know if you're overreacting. You're a recovery coach. If you had someone saying that they're in recovery and have been sober for the last six months and they just started a relationship but didn't like talking about their drug addiction, what would your advice be? If you would encourage them to talk about it, at what point would you recommend it?

You say you were upset, but without telling us what you said or did, we can't know if you were overreacting or not. All we know is that you were upset. And yes, it's justifiable to be upset. But other than you saying you're upset, we don't know how much, how you're reacting, or what you're saying and doing.

It takes people a long time to reveal their true selves. Slow down on the marriage talk at least.

Respectfully, I think you're focused on the wrong thing, OP. Because of your own past and current profession, the lines of what you're feeling and what is and isn't justified are getting blurred.

Justified? Feeling like you've been misled or lied to. Betrayal is a bitch, and this feels like a massive blow, because you were upfront and she wasn't. It's perfectly reasonable to be struggling to figure out how you feel about the discrepancy.

Not justified? Being upset that she didn't tell you "because you could have supported her." Your experiences are causing you to be a little blind to the fact that that shouldn't have been your role. She shouldn't lean on you for support, because it would be unethical, and you know that. But it's easier to focus on the "I could have fixed this!" feelings, instead of facing the real demons that are in front of you.

You aren't her recovery coach. You should play no role in her recovery, other than that of being a partner. This is likely to be much harder for you, because you do have experience, but that's the honest truth. You will do more harm than good if you keep trying to force your ideas onto her. She just needs you to be there, she doesn't need to open up to you about the details, etc., those are conversations for her recovery coach, her sponsor, her therapist, her outpatient, whatever it is. You just need to support her where she is, if you choose to continue the relationship.

As far as that goes, I would suggest you take the time to untangle the two feelings you're dealing with, and address whether or not you're ready and want to continue. Remove the addiction element, and just focus on the bigger issue as it relates to building a life together-you feel betrayed. Forget why, forget what, forget the what ifs and could have been's, own those feelings for what they are, and decide what to do with them. And for the love of god, if you have a conversation with her about this, do both of you the favor of having that conversation. "I don't want to talk about your addiction struggle per se, I want to talk about how it made me feel, finding out something major about your life that I didn't know before, after we've already gotten engaged."

If and only if you can work through those feelings, can you begin to address how best to support her as a sober addict. You need to listen to her, not impose your ideas and experiences onto her recovery.

And, as someone who is married to a sober addict, letting go of trying to "support" her recovery was the absolute hardest step of the process. By far. Worlds harder than healing from betrayal, though that was more painful. But stepping back and allowing her to handle her addiction with qualified professionals who weren't me went against every intuition I had, and required a lot more effort on my part.

You know how to be a recovery coach, but do you know how to be the partner of a sober addict? And, ask yourself if that maybe isn't the reason why she didn't tell you. Doesn't make the betrayal sting less, but it might help you find the right steps to move forward.

Yo dude, you can't sponsor a romantic partner. She doesn't need you to be her coach; that undermines you two being on equal footing in the relationship. If you haven't, go to some open AA or NA meetings and definitely some Al-Anon and see how it works with the people that put together some real time.

She did tell you. I’m confused. That’s not necessarily first date talk. But she told you when she was ready. So just support. And she needs to change her number so this man doesn’t trip her up. She may not understand why he’s calling but you understand he’s not excited about loosing a customer. Change her number.

I’m guessing it’s a time of her life she is ashamed of and doesn’t talk about with anyone. Just be there for her and say you’ll be there when she’s ready to talk.

She probably didn’t want you to see her as another one of your clients.

My take is, I wonder if you, as a recovery coach, have ever been in recovery yourself because I don’t think you’re being fair.

1. In my experience, you’re right at the time things like addiction and vices start to be talked about. It’s why people should wait to get engaged.

2. She probably didn’t want to feel like you’re seeing her as just an addict. And now you are.

3. It’s unethical for you to help her recover or coach her recovery. You should be supportive. But that’s it. This isn’t your addiction. This is hers and she needs autonomy.

4. Not everyone recovers the same. All addicts need different approaches to get sober. That’s why there’s more than one recovery program, and a billion books and podcasts and blogs. To me it sounds like you’re making her sobriety all about you and I don’t really get why. If you wanna be mad at being lied to, be mad about that and set boundaries about that. But the fact that you’re making it about how you’re a recovery coach is gross to me.

Your reason for overeating is wrong but in the bigger picture, you’re not. Just be easy here and try to hear me out

As a past alcoholic, it’s not something I tell/want everyone to know. It’s nothing personal but I know for a fact that when people find out they treat/look at me different. Regardless of how much people say they don’t, they do. Addiction is looked at by society as much worse.

It sounds like to me she’s was doing really well. Being that you work as a recovery coach, I REALLY wouldn’t tell you. (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, we need more people like you in this world) but you immediately jumped to “I could have helped you” when in reality, you were/are helping her.

She doesn’t want a recovery coach from you, she wanted a partner. And if I’m being honest, your reaction says just that. Your reason for being “justifiably upset” isn’t a good reason. Recovery coach isn’t your place in her life. She most likely never wanted that dynamic and i would never want that from my wife either.

Just treat her the same as you did before and that’s your support.

Much love from me though. Thats hard news and it’s hard to navigate. Good luck to you and I hope she stays clean forever 🙌

Why does she have the same number....

It alarms me that your first thought was that she needed your help. She made the decision to get sober without you. She has made the decision to stay sober without you. I get that you wanted to know, but it sounds like she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to view her as some problem that needs fixing. She has already found what works for her. Maybe she doesn't want to have you constantly remind her of a past she left behind. You don't sponsor partners for a reason. It will ruin your relationship. You two definitely need to talk, as she should have told you, but it also sounds like you are a savior complex that you need to work on as well. Maybe put the pause on getting married until you two can communicate with each other a little better.

I think getting engaged at 1.5 years is too soon. Have you seen how they handle all emotions and grief ? Have you seen them when they lost a job and all the other things life will throw at you?This being one of them. I saw your comment saying you plan on staying engaged 3-5 years, imagine how much you will discover about each other in that timeframe. So yes, I think you are overreacting.

So she got sober about 5 months before you two started dating. She would’ve been in early sobriety for most of your relationship.

That’s a huge thing to keep from someone that you want to get married to. Keeping secrets when we’re trying to recover are what keep us sick and in active addiction.

How on earth can you support someone if they don’t tell you? I’d be upset too. And rethinking an engagement honestly.

Essentially she’s blaming you for something you had no idea was even an issue. That’s a big problem.

a secret addict ruined my life temporarily

Recovering addict here. If someone doesn’t trust you enough to reveal to you that they’re in recovery, they don’t trust you enough that marriage should be on the table. Simple as that. Imagine how you would feel if she relapsed one year into your marriage, went completely off the rails, and THEN told you about all her past struggles with substance abuse. You’d feel totally blindsided and betrayed, right? Relationships are built on trust; I’m not saying you need to end your relationship, but I definitely think you should put marriage on the back burner for the time being and work on building that trust and openness.

Nah. That’s a pretty big thing to keep secret.

You can be supportive of her, sure, but you absolutely cannot try to be her sponsor in her recovery. There is a reason it is a staple of AA and NA that people do not sponsor people of the other gender.

Clearly she is doing well in her recovery, just let that be. Show her that you are simply there for her should she ever need to talk, and go from there.

Sobriety and substance struggles are a spectrum like most other things. There are so many layers between social, mental, emotional, trauma—not everyone who has ever had a drug dealer has been to the depths of addiction, therefore doesn’t always think they need the same support as a user who has. Plenty of people experiment with such lifestyles, find their own way out, and it works for them!

I think, if I felt like I wanted to represent my fiance (you) well, I could find myself under a lot of pressure and perhaps shame—however, it wouldn’t be your fault.

I guess I’m just wondering if there’s a world in which her struggles didn’t amount to requiring support at the level you are involved with, so it deterred her from wanting to claim her story for fear she would get lumped with a community she doesn’t feel connected to?

Yea, life with a former addict can be rough in case of relapses. You might want to find out a bit more if you can. Or maybe leave it alone. If she has problems there are a lot of better treatments out there. Tough call man.

I think you're overreacting. It's not your job to fix her as her fiancé. You gotta leave that coach shit behind. It's your job to love & support her as a lover soon to be spouse.

As someone several years into recovery, I'd have disclosed this once it became apparent that the relationship was getting serious. Yes, this is a part of myself that I don't disclose to just anyone, but a potential life partner isn't just anyone. Now, I'm saying this as a confident person in their mid 30's. At 26, I would have been scared shitless to disclose anything for fear of losing that person. Don't be too hard on her. Give her some grace, listen, and be there for her.

addiction is stigmatized and makes you feel very ashamed of yourself. this means it is scary to share that with other people. it's understandable to be kinda upset but i don't think she was wrong to hide it really

yeah, you're being a dick. she has absolutely no obligation to tell you she was an addict in the past. clearly, there is a reason she didn't tell you and your reaction just showed her she was right to keep it private.

One of two things is true here:

1. This is fake (I'd lay 99% odds); or
2. This is such a fundamental fact about her that it would be profoundly deceptive of her to get engaged to you without telling you this, and it would also be astoundingly unobservant of a professional "recovery coach" to fail to notice signs of a recovering addict they are spending enough time with to be engaged over an 18 month period. The fact that she was sober never came up and behaviors around sobriety were not noticeable? No, just no.

People in the recovery community (let alone professionals in the business) in my experience do not often refer to addicts as "former" as sobriety is a lifetime journey often punctuated with relapses. That title strongly suggests to me that this post is fake. But if it isn't, you need to slow your roll with this person.

No no no She should have been honest. Addiction is no shit

Da fuck? She doesn't tell you she was a former addict and then tries to turn it around on you? She's disrespecting you to your face and you're being a damn fool!

I would want to postpone marrying someone I couldn’t talk to about something so important

Has she changed her number since? Why’s this person still able to reach her? And who answers unknown numbers?

You are not overreacting. That is absolutely something that needs to be disclosed before an engagement. As someone who has addicts in my family, this would be a deal breaker for me. I just couldn’t put myself through that pain again.

If she’s not living her sobriety and that means being open about it with her partner. She’s not sober. She may not be actually using at the moment but she’s not sober. Truthfulness is a key to living sober.

She was dishonest with you. You haven't been unsupportive at all. You didn't know there was something to support.

She does owe you an apology for the dishonesty. You are not overreacting.

I recommend couples therapy so that you have someone to guide the discussions.

If she accepted your proposal i do feel she should've told you. Especially since she will always be prone to relapse.

It doesnt matter if shes not proud of it. It doesnt matter if shes embarrassed. Keeping domething major like yhat a secret and then walking down the aisle is massive red flags.

You need to postpone the wedding and truly figure out if you can trust her to be open and honest going forward.

And why woukd she not understand her old dealer trying yo maintain contact with his old clients. He doesnt care if shes sober. He'd happily get her adficted again to have a customer back.

Im betting her "old dealer" is also an ex boyfriend.

Nope. Halt marriage chatter. Get to know your girlfriend. It’s a whole different ball park. -recovering alcoholic 4 yrs

What we have here is typical addict manipulation. The mere suggestion of accountability, or that they should have been honest, etc is enough to send someone who isn't committed to their sobriety back to their old tricks. And here she is. Blaming you for her lies by omission. If she is not already off the wagon, she will be soon. Run from this person. Run far and fast.

All women use the “support” excuse when they have lied or hid something from a man. Like your addiction was my fault and why does a drug dealer still have your number?

She's a recovering drug addict, and always will be. There is no such thing as a former drug addict.

I would be upset if I foundcout that someone I was in a serious enough relationship with was a drug addict , recovering, or not and I was just now hearing about it.

Here's the real: you're not overreacting. And this is a sign that you need to slow down. What else don't you know about this person? Put a purse on the marriage plans for now.  

  Find a couples counselor for you BOTH to work through the trust aspect of this. You'll have to work out what each person has to do to trust each other.. And find your own counselor to work through your own issues privately so you're not putting your frustration onto her.   

Even consider Al anon to be around other partners and family friends of addicts and see what they have done to support their partner. 

  If you really don't want to go through any of the above, I'm sorry but the future doesn't bode well for your relationship. DO NOT act as her addiction counselor or sponsor. You either get to be 1.) her partner OR 2.) her counselor. You don't get to be both. As a recovery coach I'm a bit surprised you considered crossing that boundary. It's irresponsible.