So my husband (36M) and I (36F) have been together for 8 years married for 3.5 years. We have a daughter together and I have a son with a different dad (they're 3 and 11). I am the breadwinner in the family. I work remote full time and bring in almost double his income. He works outside the home doing a job that doesn't pay well but has always been his "passion". His hours are iffy and evening and weekends and requires traveling. Regardless of if he is working or not, I manage the entire mental and physical load of the house. Extra curricular, school, mornings (90% of the time), school pickups, doctors, bath time, bedtime, dentists, laundry, cleaning, clothes, homework, groceries, meals/cooking, dishes, etc. He doesn't eat with us and only eats the snacks and does door dash for every meal. His "chores" consist of his laundry (which he doesn't do except one load every few weeks when he's desperate), taking the trash bins to the curb and mowing the lawn/ shoveling. If I ask for specifics it will sometimes get done if it's "easy" like bath or folding a load of the kids clothes. But I have to ask. I am exhausted. I go nonstop and never get a break. Both kids prefer me and it upsets him (though if he is home he is just on his phone on Instagram or "working" which is just texting. We went to dinner as a family and I asked if he could put his phone away for one hour and he simp said "no". And didn't. I feel like my patience is stretched with the kids and my resentment is leaking over into my parenting. I resent how easy his life is. How everything just gets done. If I bring it up he gets defensive, attacks me about how terrible I am or how im his biggest mistake .. then decides to “show me” how much he truly does by not doing his few tasks a week and it proves my point because I'd never not be able to show up everyday and I take care of it all when he travels anyways. There isn’t anything he does i can’t handle personally or outsource.
He wanted a BJ and sex for Father's Day. I didn't. It's been a long time but I'm mentally and physically drained. I don't feel attracted to a man I have to mother and who doesn't relieve my stress or to-do plate. He decided to ask for a hall pass or open relationship saying it's only fair for what he has to put up with (yes I'm short with him I admit it. I'm annoyed and frustrated and can't get him to see where I'm coming from and it's probably immature but l'm tired guys. I don’t want to ask for every little thing… and for those who want me to.. I asked him to clean the garage before he left for his first trip this summer and he said ok and didn’t do so I took of work for a day to get it done. Then I asked him to clean the pile of his clean clothes out of the laundry room before the cleaning people came and he swore in the morning then didn’t.. it isn’t just asking. He needs constant follow up and reminders)... so AITAH for not wanting to give him sex or the hall pass?
UPDATE: ok so this got a heck of a lot more attention than I expected. I simply can’t respond to 4K comments and questions. I work and have a household to run. I get everyone is screaming divorce. My husband was not like this before. He has always suffered depression and anxiety (is on meds (expensive!) but stopped seeing his therapist because he can’t afford it. Which he blames on me but really his hundreds of dollars in DoorDash a month would pay for it but I’ve also put more of my income in the joint account so he had more “free” funds for therapy he just chooses not to). I don’t think he’s a terrible person. His trips and work are “justified” I am not concerned of a current side piece he just has issues prioritizing the family and claims it was who he was before I married him. I guess I just thought family and kids would rearrange some priorities as it does with most adults entering that phase of Life. I am not using sex as a form of control or punishment. I simply am exhausted and not interested. I believe sex should be mutual because both partners should get something out of it. It’s hard to feel the connection and find the energy. It’s not enjoyable for me it’s an extra chore to complete. Divorce is something I have considered and discussed with my therapist. But I just don’t know yet if this is something we move through together or move on from. I wish he’d be open to marriage counseling so we could improve communication. It’s a huge and important barrier we have. Clearly I’ve made mistakes with men in the past. I’m not perfect. I have done a lot of self growth the last three years in many ways. I finally found self love, value and strength. I know my flaws. I work on them daily and fail a lot but take ownership and keep trying to do better. I’m not perfect and never claimed to be. I’m not satisfied with myself that he’s feeling sexually deprived but I’m also not satisfied that I’m not feeling heard or respected and find him unreliable. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I will discuss divorce with a lawyer so if that’s the decision I make I do know what I stand to lose and gain from it.