Am I in the wrong for holding grudges against the ppl that hurt my friends/family/partner?

My (25F) girlfriend and I (24NB) were planning on having just one birthday party for the both of us next month, since our birthdays are only days apart and I'm going to be visiting her (we are long distance) for the week. We thought it was a good idea to have it together. The ppl invited are just her group of friends (for obvious reasons) whom I get along pretty well and already knew beforehand. The issue came around later when she asked me if she could invite another friend to the party that's not really in the group chat, and I told her that since this is a celebration for the both of us, I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Now, the thing is, I don't like this particular friend at all because of some stuff he did and said in the past (about my gf). They fought and fell apart for a couple of months last year and then at the beginning of this one, after blocking her and removing her from his social media and bad-mouthing her, he asked her to reconnect and talk about it. Apparently a mutual friend convinced him. My gf accepted this and went to have dinner with him and they did talk about it, he apologized for being an asshole but told her that he was just waiting for her to reach out (cause she used to do that when they fought before and now she didn’t). At the end, she told him that they couldn't go back to what they were, but they could see how things go. She asked for my opinion on this and I told her that based on the things he said at the meeting and all that, I wouldn't really trust him, but at the end of the day it was her choice and I'd respect whatever she decided on, whether they are friends again or just acquaintances. That doesn't mean I don't have my own thoughts about it though. He was an immature asshole and he hurt her and made her cry. She was dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts and had depressive episodes after all went down. I understand she wants to forgive him, and I actually like how she can put all behind them and move on, but I'm not really like that.

Anyways, that was it. She told me she wouldn't want to hang out with him like just the two of them like before, but that she wouldn't avoid him if he happen to be in the same place or hanging out with the same friends.

As far as I know, they haven't been talking at all. But now she told me she wants to invite him to the birthday party and wanted to know how I felt about it. And I was honest. I don't like him and I would rather not see him, if it can be avoided. I wouldn't have said anything if it was just her party, of course, because she has the right to invite whoever she wants, but since it was a celebration for the both of us and since she asked, I guess I thought it would've been nice to have a say and all that. This didn't really sit right with her.

We had a huge fight about it and she told me she wanted to invite him anyways, and if I didn't want him there bc it was my birthday as well, we should do two separate parties so she can invite him to hers. Under normal circumstances, that would've been fine by me. But as I established before, we are long distance. None of my friends or family are going to celebrate with me there, so I think the idea is rather dumb; the only person who's not going to be invited to mine is him, the rest of the guests would be the same and really, would they even want to go to two different reunions with a two day difference just because of this one person? At the end, I told her it was fine and I would just bear with it. I'm not an immature person who's going to fill the room with negative energy just because of this, and the things he did are not really unforgivable crimes to the point I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him. He's just an asshole and a bad friend. I didn't really like the fact that she asked me like I had a choice at all, because at the end it was either we invite him or you make your own party outside of mine, but anyways.

So, that's solved. I can compromise on that and I also understand her point, I guess, since at the end of the day he is (was?) one of her closest friends. I don't know.

The thing that has been bothering me now is that after all of this went down, we talked about it more deeply and she told me that it doesn't make sense that I would hold a grudge towards the people that are in her life, cause the problems she has have all to do with her and whoever that person is and not, well, me.

And I don't really know how to feel about that? I had issues with some friends in the past and ex partners that were toxic, and the ppl around me despise them. I have a complicated relationship with my mom as well, and most of them hold resentment towards her for that reason and I'm aware of this. These problems are none of their business, I know, but I thought it was normal to watch them react to it and form their own opinions toward those people because they hurt me. And I'm dear to them. And it's the same the other way around. If you hurt my friends, I don't like you, whether you are a family member or an ex boyfriend or a toxic friend.

I asked her what does she think about the ppl that hurt me, and she told me she doesn't have any kind of resentment towards them because is not her place. She might not like them bc of their actions, but that's about it. If I decide to forgive them, she welcomes them back into her life as well.

So now I'm wondering, is it wrong of me to hold grudges against someone who hurts the people who are dear to me? Am I the asshole? Should I stop?

I have spoken about this to my friends but I think I need a little more perspective, cause they all behave the same way I do when we are talking about this particular topic.

in AITAHby sunflower99_

100%

14d

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mohugz

14d

1) OP and their long-distance girlfriend plan a joint birthday party. Guest list is based on a group chat friend group, primarily GF’s friends. 2) GF asks OP if she can/should invite another friend, a Guy who OP doesn’t like because he hurt GF in the past. GF has forgiven Guy and says she doesn’t understand why OP doesn’t want to be around him. 3) GF insists on inviting Guy to the party despite OP’s objections and says it’s not OP’s business or problem that Guy hurt her in the past. OP gives in and agrees to invite Guy to the party.

Do I have all that right? If so, I would say definitely NTA…in fact, it sounds like you clearly communicated your feelings, but were still gracious enough to acquiesce to her wishes when she insisted. You’re doing all you can to make her happy, but I’m concerned that you’re not getting the same understanding and effort from her. She asked for your input, then completely disregarded your (normal) feelings and pushed her own agenda, despite knowing that the dude’s presence would make you unhappy and uncomfortable at a party that’s supposed to be for you too.

When people hurt us, or people we love, it is normal to be cautious around them in the future. That’s not to say that holding grudges is healthy or good; holding onto negative feelings only hurts you in the long run. If you can forgive and forget, great. Do it. It’s better for everyone, and (nearly) everyone deserves a second chance. BUT, we will naturally be more careful about opening ourselves to future pain from that person. Human nature being what it is, “once burned, twice shy” and all that. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to have some lingering reservations about this person who hurt your girlfriend. You don’t trust or like him. Totally understandable. So I think it’s disingenuous for her to say that her past issues with this guy don’t affect you, and shouldn’t play into your decision to invite him to your party. A suspicious person might wonder why his presence matters so much to her.

Harborough808

13d

Well said

sunflower99_

12d

yeah, you got everything right! i have been sitting on it and thinking about the last part of your advice and i think that if she didn't force her own feelings and forced me to accept him i would've forgiven him or at least tolerated him more in the future. but with this new situation i feel like my feelings have grown more negatively towards him and thats just idk worse for all of us :/

mohugz

12d

It sounds like you two can at least speak honestly to each other - that’s very important, and a great sign. You’re obviously invested in the relationship. Sometimes it takes a disagreement to bring a deeper issue to the forefront, where you can deal with it. Just take your time, think things through, and try not to make decisions based on your first response to the pain. She may truly not understand how much this is bothering you.

Best wishes!