im a WOC and i live/work in southeast idaho. its relatively progressive since its a national lab but its predominantly white. in my division of about 100 people im the only woman of color and i think im the only hijabi in the entire site. its been about a year now and ive really been struggling with this. its exhausting being the only one because i have no one to talk to and the other women engineers dont really understand what its like. any advice on dealing with this? im starting to get burnt out and as much as i love my job im starting to dread it because of how lonely it feels. i cant leave until i graduate from my masters program next summer…
Extremely sage advice
i mean yeah i interact a ton with my coworkers and get along with everyone great but i moved here from california so i do just miss having a community to turn to. its not that i dont feel like i fit in i just feel a little lonely when i have no one to relate to and over time its just compounded into what i feel now
So it is less about work and more about a general sense of community. I would suggest you search the local area for groups that share your experience. You can try Facebook, Meet up, or your local mosque if they have one. You might find that the community at large is more diverse than your company and you can find community outside of work.
If all else fails find an online group that you can talk to about things. Not as good as in person but it is something.
I understand. In big towns its easy to find friends but in smaller places you have to make an effort. My first job in engineering out of school was in a small rural town. Most of my coworkers had families so they were busy on weekends, no social events so I was lonely after hrs & weekends, holidays. I tried to find meetup groups, book clubs, volunteered, joined a gym & slowly my circle of friends grew. My advice would be try finding some activities & groups in your area, try a new hobby, volunteer, go to local events by yourself & connect with others. Thats what I did. Even after getting married, moving to a bigger town, having a kid, I still struggle with isolation as I work from home now. But these activities & groups I found outside of home & work have helped me stay sane.
If you are worried about discrimination due to hijab, dont be. You will find lot of wonderful people around you wherever you go in this country who are inclusive & kind. Atleast thats how my experience has been for past 21yrs living here & traveling all over the country for work. All I had to do was to reach out to others & I became part of the community. All I care about when making friends is if they are good, kind people who share my interests. Nothing else matters to me.
Honestly, I’d focus on your similarities with the other women. I suspect that you have more in common than you have differences.
Is there anyone of your faith that you can connect to outside of work? Other WOC?
I’ve found that there is no one group that meets all needs. I have to spread my time around.
If all else fails maybe sign up for some sort of on line WOC group or meet up. That could be a bridge for now and maybe be a network when you graduate.
I cannot imagine your experience, not being a woman of color. But I do know the experience of Idaho and many rural towns, as a woman working in a male dominated sector and traveling to very rural and not progressive areas within the US. I know it isn't the same kinship when you are face to face, but are there any online communities that might provide some support and connections? Maybe a 'women in engineering' or a cultural group, etc? Facebook is sometimes good for this and can lead to meeting in person. Another thought, maybe something through a local college? I wish you all the luck and hope you report back with anything you find.
Feeling lonely and being the only one is exhausting!! Your experience is so normal and valid. I'm sorry you don't have anyone you can relate with on a deeper level. It sounds super frustrating. I'm guessing most people in your work place are like the folks on this thread... They miss the point of what you are saying and what you need.
I like what others have said about finding external support for it. It sucks that you have to do that, rather than get support at work. :(
But if you can find a place and people where you can rant and gripe and have what you are experiencing normalised. I do know there are lots of online forums and conferences for women in business that can give you a bigger network to draw on. It might even help with networking for your career and speed your transition after your masters is completed!
ugh yes thank you so much you have no idea the what the words normal and valid mean to me. i thought i was going crazy but yeah ive been trying to branch out and find online communities and ive found a couple and i did just go to the swe conference so im slowly building a network its just a little frustrating is all but thanks for your response!!
Oof.
INL.
I did a 3 month internship there last summer and it was wild as hell. I played a little game whenever I met new people. Mormon or Navy? Your have to guess which one they are. (They're at least one about 99% of the time!)
I felt so isolated until I met this rad young scientist from Bangladesh, working on her PhD. She was the most open minded person there, and she was a Muslim woman in a head scarf!
We hung out every day and almost fooled ourselves into thinking it would be a nice place to live... Before a truck full of white boys screamed ”sandn*****” at her as we were walking down the road.
Neither of us followed up after our internships.
That place is fucked up. Moral to the story: try to make just one friend. Even a single person can make your life so much better while you're stuck there. Then get outta that awful place. Women and people of color are not safe there.
omg that’s horrible im so sorry ive been lucky in that i haven’t had any experience like that but i do get death stares everywhere i go. but yeah ill definitely try and be more open with my coworkers and try and build on our friendships. thanks! and im sorry you both had to experience that!
Do you feel like you can only talk to other women of color? Why is that?
its not that i can only talk to other woc, ofc i interact and talk to the other engineers a ton and theyre really great and supportive, but theres a certain kinship i guess when you can talk to other woc. like they understand my exact feelings better than a white woman can
Ya that makes sense. Have you tried looking for other communities outside of work where you can meet other woc?
i have tried a couple places but its a pretty small town in a rural area so its difficult unfortunately and theres not a lot of people of color in general
Thanks for coming to this forum! I can't empathize with your complete experience, but I was a woman engineer in rural South Carolina and I felt out of place because I had nobody else who really was in the same place as me and I could speak freely with. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to be there for a long time, so I tried to learn as much as I could about what makes the place special and I made friends who are good people in their own way. I did feel uncomfortable a lot, and did get out of there as soon as I could, but when I look back on that time, I have good feelings because I met a lot of nice people, even if they couldn't really understand me. I supported myself through that time by having magazine subscriptions to things that I like, and time that I spent nurturing what I need to feel like I wasn't so disconnected from my world. I knew that my time there was temporary, so I tried to support myself to be able to get through it. Good luck!
Have you tried talking to people around you? I am a Muslim woman of color but dont wear hijab. I had no issues working on multiple customer sites in remote areas where I was the only woman. I am an immigrant & tried to learn about the history, culture, current events so that I can assimilate with people here & join conversations. I never felt like I fit in only with other Muslim women of color. People I come across are usually very nice & I had no issues fitting in. Dont wait for people to approach you, just grab a seat at a table in cafeteria & introduce yourself.