My life has had its fair share or trauma and hardships but I've always somehow remained resilient. The weeks before the Covid shutdown, I came down with what I now believe was undetected Covid, but at the time my lungs were suffering and catching Covid felt potentially fatal. It took a long time to recover and I was in completely lockdown until vaccines came out. I remember looking out the window of my room and thinking the world felt unreal, like we were in a parallel universe. As much as I've tried to move on in life and return to "normal" (and from the outside, I have) but my internal world has never recovered. I feel disconnected from others, disconnected from myself. I am going through the motions. I am in therapy for anxiety now, and it's helping but I'm suffered more losses and am questioning if I'm living in the right place, whether or not I should go back to work, basically I don't know who I am anymore. I joined a sangha last year to gain clarity through meditation and it's supportive but I'm still lost. Thinking of seeing a medium or psychic to help me understand what is going on.
Being a mom. And lately that's been getting harder and harder as I retreat into my inner world from the pain and anxiety of childhood trauma that was triggered in Covid and then revisited by the loss of my grandmother who raised me recently. I am filled with regret and guilt over past decisions. I don't know where I belong, if I should stay in the place I live where I have built an awesome life for my kids from scratch, or back home to where I can be with my mom and my soul can heal from childhood wounds but that would massively disrupt my kids lives. I'm torn between two places and two parts of myself.
when you think of these two places in your mind's eye, which one brings you closer to a vision of joy?
I am totally stumped by this question but I am so grateful you asked because I need to spend time and meditate on this.
i love this for you. happy mother's day. 🌺🌷🌸
Thank you💕
I understand the feeling, I also felt something like a "parallel universe" vibe for a bit after the lockdowns ended. Like everything I was had ended, but the new me hadn't "loaded" yet, I was waiting for it to buffer, so I was just nothing. Since then I've learned more about CPTSD, self-diagnosed as AuDHD, and thrown myself deeper into spiritual practices like astrology, tarot, and human design.
I think for a lot of reasons, Covid being part of it, but also my Saturn return and being in autistic burnout, I was basically being asked to do a 180 on my life. It was like the path before me, metaphorically, did not exist anymore. I could not go on the way I was. So I had to switch directions and get on a whole new path. The "new life" still has not fully materialized before me but I'm beginning to have a better understanding of how it will look. I got there by doing a lot of self-work: journaling, meditation, gratitude, like I said throwing myself into learning any spiritual types of knowledge that helped for me, participating in online communities where people felt similar to me, etc. Mostly, it was just reconnecting with my intuition and allowing myself to be anything that felt right, no matter how far it was from who I had once been. I got back into my creative hobbies like writing and have been learning new ones like podcasting. I'm now working on figuring out how to go about sharing those things with the world in a way that will attract the right people to me... Like I now feel as though I need to speak to a particular subset of people, I don't care as much about peoples' opinions outside of that. But social media and stuff opens you up to ALL people. I am learning how to protect my energy so I can stand more firmly in myself. I think this will be really important to building my new life and feeling safe interacting with the larger world. It's all been a bit of a battle on how to move forward. But we're getting there.
In short you might be shedding your old skin and are ready to evolve into something new, if you keep your eyes & ears open and move towards what attracts you I believe you will get there!
I relate to so much of this and I honestly feel every word. I'm glad I'm not alone, this is a wildly uncomfortable process. It gives me deep primordial dread and anxiety. It's like I'm about to rebirth myself and I feel alone and scared. Sending love and thanks for this comment.
you're already on the path; sometimes, you need to take a step (which i'm sure you're wont to do).
what brings you joy?