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It’s ok to appear like you’re doing nothing. When people ask me what I’m doing, I respond with nothing. Sometimes saying nothing have people invite me places.
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18d
Honestly yes, but I wouldn't attribute it to a guy thing. I have a friend who's also a male who won't shut up about the details of everything he is doing and has done in the day.
Everyone's different and he could be a bit on the antisocial side. Maybe try have a heart to heart with him about it? It's not a big deal at all but just have that conversation of "Hey dude, I noticed when I ask you what you're up to or Bush with you tend to avoid it or not really answer it. I just wanna know if it's bothering you I could stop?"
Honestly just having the conversation about it you might get him to tell you his own reason why he doesn't explain much.
He might be afraid the question is loaded. Like … “what are you doing?” “Not a lot just chilling”. “Great let’s do something together”
He doesn’t have a way to say no thanks without potentially hurting your feelings.
But honestly if you’re asking a lot of questions and he’s super vague all the time, is it possible you are trying to force a relationship? Or maybe trying to have a deeper / more involved relationship than he is interested in?
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18d
If he didn't had any concern at all he would be more blunt and/or disrespectfull like ignoring you.
I don't think he is in the wrong here, unfortunately, you didn't take the hint (or you couldn't take the hint because it passed under the radar), so of course if you keep reinvesting your efforts, it's only going to sting more. I'm not saying you are in the wrong either, this is just an unfortunate and awkward situation, but you have the responsability (not him) in taking care of yourself so that the sting doesn't sting as much.
It's as awkward as you think and care about this, the less you think and care about this situation the less awkward it will feel to you, I promise.
He obviously doesn't like the question so why do you keep asking it?
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17d
You need to ask more specific questions then. If you don't know where to start then copy his questions. Hobbies and work are a good start. If you want to find out if he's up for doing something then ask, have a specific idea in mind. Some people want to know what you are thinking of doing before committing.
Well that's good he's interested I guess. I get where he's coming from. I mean how is what he's doing at 3:28pm on some Wednesday or whatever interesting or worth talking about? The question seems disingenuous.
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17d
You don't have to answer to his question either if you're not comfortable with it. Don't let him get much power.
He doesn't like this question, no problem. But he doesn't have the right then to expect you to answer to his.
Maybe he's doing stuff he's ashamed of. Maybe he doesn't want to share. Maybe there are things he feels he should be doing but isn't doing and therefore shame. Or he just finds that sort of question boring
He might think you're being too intrusive and reading it wrong. Might be good to stop messaging him for awhile and limit the check-ins. If he doesn't want to open up, believe him and move on.
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17d
I think he’s not interested in being your friend if he cannot even try to make the effort to reply properly. Give him his space, but if you can, move on. You deserve a friend who can at least give you the bare minimum. This guy can't seem to even meet you half way.
I had a friend who would ask this to try and force me into the position of doing a favor for them if I answered I wasn’t doing anything at the moment. It’s generally a loaded question in my experience.
I feel like it’s not that deep. If you want to hang out, just ask. I can understand not wanting to disclose everything I’m doing all the time, especially after having a controlling friend that always asked what I’m doing, who I’m hanging out with and where I’m going 24/7.
As an introvert, I hate this question too. It feels loaded. If I say ‘not much’ and I get invited to something I don’t wanna do, I’ve got no way out without just saying no. So I always leave an out. People take it personally when they get “nothing really, and I like that better than hearing the voice of another human today”. So I’m often vaguely involved in something an inconvenient distance away until an indeterminate later time until you state your business.
Before anyone lectures or downvotes, I know full well I’m way out on the tail of the human sociability bell curve, but I’m trying to provide the insight OP asked for. Friend might be a weirdo like me.
Asking someone what they are doing is rude. Especially if they don’t want to engage at that moment.
When calling, ask, “Do you have time to talk?” That allows them to tell you if they’re in the middle of something. Or not.
If you’re inviting someone, come right out and do that. “Hey, I want to see X movie. You free tonight or over the weekend?” That’s a firm, solid ask.
And what are you doing with the information you’re asking about? Why do you need to know what they’re in the middle of?
And yes, he may not be interested in a friendship. How often does he call you?
I also hate this question so much. I mean it's ok once in a while - very rarely - but if it's more frequent, it's super annoying.
There are 2 main reasons why I hate it:
1, a lot of times I don't particularly do anything special, nothing really happens. Or I want to do it privately and don't share it, maybe later. Now I can't say "nothing" because it's rude and kills the conversation, and I don't want to make my friend feel like they're not important
2, it's usually a super lazy convo starter. The person could text about their day or what they're doing to give general topics and something to talk about, but they rather put the pressure on the other person to come up with something. And numerous times when I asked back, I've got two or three words answers and they left
You said you feel like this friend doesn't talk to you/open up enough but you'd like to. First of all, tell this to him then and see if something changes.
And get to know him more to find more common topics to talk about. Even just a movie or game franchise could mean a big potential.
Perhaps he really doesn't want to be closer to you, in this case you can't do much besides moving on. Even if it's difficult and hurts.
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17d
There's plenty of places "How/What are you doing?" can go. All depends on what the answer is.
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17d
The two questions have a similar connotation, in my mind at least. How does he react when you ask more specific questions like ‘how was that thing you attended?’ or ‘have you spoken to that person that annoyed you?’
My point is why do you need to know what he is doing? To me there are other personal questions you could ask that would give me a chance to open up about what’s on my mind.
If you're going to be friends with a guy, this is to be expected. This is how guys express themselves. We adjust our speech to reflect romantic interest when speaking to girls.
My best friends sisters name doesn't match up with how she spells it, and I've never asked why. Because it's not important. I also don't know his father's, or mother's, names. I couldn't care less. I have no idea what he plans on doing over the weekend other than our weekly dnd session.
In short, if you want him to treat you like a platonic friend, he is.
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18d
I am a man, and I don't relate at all with that other comment "this is how guys express themselves". Not at all.
I do love to tell what I am doing. I don't understand that friend of yours. Only if I was doing something that would be inappropriate to tell I would refrain from saying.
OR if I don't feel close to that person and I prefer to not tell them personal things, to keep the distance.
Well, I'd say that's different. Usually, there's some answer. Even if that answer is "I'm not sure"
Giving details, maybe, maybe not. But totally ignoring someone is not something that I've ever done, nor my guy friends.
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18d
Complete silence is weird, I'll give you that.
It sounds like he's being compelled to speak with you, the way you put it in this comment. How do y'all know each other?
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17d
Is behavior now consistent with his behavior when y'all were dating?
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17d
It's definitely weird behavior- especially since he is the one who reached out. If the relationship is one sided I would start tapering off my own communication. You aren't getting anywhere with him. He sounds very closed off. It's not your fault. You could bring it up to him like "I'm concerned you are getting more closed off. If it's just with me that is one thing and we can just discontinue our friendship - but if it's with everybody then I am worried about you"
Sounds like he might have a gf and not trying to get in trouble with her by not acting interested in you at all.
So as someone who personally hates being asked that question I can give some insight. If he's anything like me, we generally don't have a set plan or idea of "what we are doing". We're kinda vibing it out and moving from one little task to the other, sometimes all over the place.
When you come and ask what I'm doing, I'm forced to now structure that listless wandering and make sense of it in a way that doesn't just sound like "faffing about".
It's tricky because honestly sometimes I'm enthralled in this wandering and don't want it to sound like I'm doing nothing so you can offer an alternative.
Hope this helps!