Debated making a throwaway, but figured nah, I’ll just post even though I know my partner lurks here and he knows my username. If you see this, hi, yes this is about you 😁
My boyfriend 33M and I 33F recently got engaged. We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part are on the same page with what we want out of life. Both of us want to hold successful careers and also be present as dedicated parents. We are in complete agreement that we want at least two biological children. Neither of us are open to sperm/egg donors, surrogacy, or adoption. IVF is fine.
We have had several discussions where my partner states that if we try to have children and it doesn’t happen in a timely manner (1-2 years), he would divorce me and find a younger woman who could fulfill his dreams of being a father.
Naturally, this makes me sick to my stomach. I acknowledge that fatherhood is important to him, and I would do absolutely everything in my power to ensure our chances are as good as they can be. But if fate sees fit to not give us children despite our best efforts, I would feel horrible to be discarded. I feel like I’m about to marry someone who values me just for my uterus and what that part of my anatomy can provide him.
If we discovered somehow that my partner was infertile, I would not leave him. I believe in the “in sickness and in health”; I choose to be with him because I value our relationship together. Would I be devastated to not be a mother? Absolutely. But I would not abandon my partner.
Half of my brain is screaming that this is a red flag. The other half is confused and hurt because I genuinely love this man and want to be with him. I can’t reconcile the rest of his amazing qualities with this jarring, hurtful perspective.
It’s not like our life goals are different. It’s not like it’s an incompatibility where one person wants kids and the other person doesn’t. We want the same things. I just believe that if we try everything possible and it doesn’t happen, then maybe that’s for a reason and I would be content with the life we can still build together. He would prioritize his desire to be a father over our relationship.
Wedding is 6 months away and I’d rather not walk into a situation I might regret later.
EDIT: Thank you all for the comments and the DMs. I don't have the emotional energy to respond to everyone individually but I read them all. There's a lot to think about and process and grieve, but I appreciate your time and loving bluntness :)
EDIT 2 for more info: Fertility tests have been done, we are waiting on results. I've been clear that if he were the infertile one I would have no problem with staying; he has said if he is the infertile one, he fully expects me to leave him (even thought I've said multiple times that's not in line with my values). I think that's telling. And yes, we have discussed what might happen if one of us falls ill, gets physically disabled, etc. and his belief is that the non-ill spouse (whoever it may be) has the right to leave and achieve their goals of parenthood elsewhere. Same situation here- I could never imagine leaving my INJURED SPOUSE but I guess loyalty is dead.