User deleted post
My wife 46F Left for a younger man then came home. I 47M feel like a shell of a man. Together 31 years married 27 years. Is there any chance of surviving this intact?
She probably went on the cruise with the AP.
Ding ding ding
I thought that shit too
that struck me as funny;good stuff..OP needs to stay working on himself this gal has to go the end of it!!
Wouldn't be surprised. Her behavior is a pattern of deceit. OP deserves better. Time to cut ties.
Yeah. It's hard for people to understand, but deceitful people don't change until they go through major life changes if they're going to change at all. It's not possible for OP's wife to change while still with him comfortable with everything he provides, and given their ages, that means OP's only real option is to move on and find someone else.
She’s a con artist for sure. All the bad checks and crazy behavior have been in secret until she got so bad OP noticed. Please dump her OP. She just wants to use you financially while she continues her awful behavior. She wants you to financially support her while she carries on with that awful man.
OP deserves peace in his life for once, and also a partner that respects him and treats him well. She’s literally running a long con on him.
That’s what all those shopping trips while returning with nothing were. Getting piped down. OP needs to ditch the witch.
Yep. My immediate thought as well.
Posts like this give me cancer. What’s wrong with people? There is no reconciling ffs.
Idk. This sub taught me good men choose terrible partners. The amitheasshole ones taught me good women do the same.
Happy people don't complain on the internet, which is why it appears that way. Most good people do choose good people.
Though there is truth that codependents, people without boundaries, and overly caring people are like honey to narcissists and an assortment of abusers and predators. But it's also true that it can happen to anyone, and when a cheater cheats it often has nothing to do with the partner and everything to do with the cheater.
You need to trauma bond yourself to a divorce attorney and let this person be free to find herself, or whatever.
🤣
Rarely does a comment make me physically lol. You’ve outdone yourself sir 😂😂😂
placed her on a pedestal for years
Yeah - that never works... When you look up at someone like that, they look down on you.
And, getting back with her??? Oh, hell fuckin no! Finish the divorce. You are not her "backup plan". If the other guy had been decent, and financed her, she wouldn't be talking to you at all. She doesn't really care about you - she only cares that you can support her financially.
OP is in a situation right now that will expire shortly and he needs to take advantage of it immediately.
Right now she’ll do anything to get OP back. If he tries to divorce and say that the relationship is over, she’ll fight tooth and nail and make OP’s life hell.
But if he tells her that he wants to try but with the understanding that our old relationship is dead and this will be a completely new relationship he has a chance to get out of the marriage with little to no fight. So divorce under the pretense that you want to make it work but want to start dating again, then later on have her move back in, and ultimately propose again and get married again.
Honestly, I’d still recommend this if you actually wanted to try and reconcile as well. Your old marriage is dead, that’s a fact. Any relationship from this point forward between OP and his wife is completely new.
Is it deceitful, absolutely. But those who have been through a divorce (especially when the other party cheated) knows that it’s gut-wrenching hell. OP has already been through that and is suffering both mentally and physically because of it.
The only way you make it out with any dignity at all is if you follow through with the divorce, you need to start respecting yourself before you can expect anyone else to
OMG this…
No way! How could you possibly trust this woman with all the lies she has told. This affair has been ongoing for a long time . Trust is the basis of a relationship and that’s gone.
Right, I agree. But it’s not your relationship nor mine. If OP decides to stay in it is his choice.
But getting divorced first helps protect OP if he tries to reconcile and ultimately decides it’s not going to work.
Didnt read everything, why are you still with her? Why are you consoling her? She chose someone else, you feel like a shell of a man because you are still in contact(or even relationship) with someone who stabbed you in the back
He's afraid he can't get better than a lying, cheating, financially illiterate, child alienating woman.
Op, this goes to both her and you: you get what you deserve.
Either find someone to help you toughen up and cut this off, or accept that you're okay with these behaviors the rest of your life.
Hell, if you need, I'll be that guy. Msg me. We can call in Whatsapp or whatever you need to vent and hear harsh truths.
I do t think so he said he was moving on when she wasn’t in the picture. This is a weird situation I don’t know why he went back?
Probably because of the sunk cost fallacy.
Just because you’ve know someone for a long time or been with them for a long time doesn’t mean people stay the same. Maybe she was perfect for him in the past, but she’s clearly not the same person OP agreed to be with. She’s actively making excuses for her own cheating. If OP stays, he deserves the treatment he gets because by staying, he agrees to put up with it because we all know it’s not going to stop.
I’m sorry, the “it’s a trauma bond! I couldn’t help getting off with him multiple times” bullshit is wild
Yeah I agree with this.
Yeah except she never was good for him. He couldn't rely her to pay the light bill. This is and always has been a sugar-daddy -baby relationship.
This can’t be real life. Pull up your pants dude, because you’re getting f’d without any lube. If this story is true. Sorry to be brash but… This is your coming to Jesus moment
Oh it's real. Unfortunately. I have let myself become a doormat.
When she says "oh I don't deserve you, you're the best I ever have". That's just a manipulative tactic. If you're the best then she wouldn't be fucking another guy. She wants the best of both worlds, and it's up to you to find happiness for yourself. You know what you need to do, it's going to fucking suck at first but you'll get over it.
Broooo this is beyond doormat. You became the poop pad for the dog.
I’m sorry. This sucks. You are wayyyyy too good for this lady. She can’t be the wife you want her to be.
It’s the sunken cost fallacy. Leave now before it gets worse.
Well, you know what to do! I’d definitely get an std panel done. ASAP. The only person who can “fix” your life is you! Thank god you don’t have children in the house anymore. Move on. Take your lumps and learn
Where is your self respect?
No you’re not a doormat, you’re someone looking at a lifetime, kids, house, in laws, etc.
But it’s time to do what’s best for you. This will be rough to hear, but she doesn’t want YOU back, she wants your organizational skills. She was having a nervous breakdown because she’s never really had to 100% adult for herself.
With you she gets to fuck all around and do whatever because you’ll make sure her mom is handled and the lights stay on.
Don’t settle for that. Choose you. Life is short don’t spend the rest of it trying to fix the rungs in the pedestal you have her on.
BINGO!!!! Time to man up
hey op. no judgment here. we all go through crap in life... I get it. You have kids right? if some one was treating your kid this way, would that be ok? think hard... and I think that would be your decision.
you need to show them what healthy boundaries are.. im not sure what church your in but I think most would teach us that healthy boundaries allow us to test others with healthy intentions.
I think this is beyond what your wife is doing.
I guess I have a question for you judging from what you wrote it sounds like you were good on your own? Why go back is it a religious thing?
Is this guy even out of the picture now at least?
Bro your 47 you could easily live too 100 dont waste another 50+ years with a liar and a cheater, plenty of people find love in there late 40s, be it with a widow, or someone with the same issue you have. Let her go.
It’s crazy because OP gave her everything, her dream house and yet she chose to cheat with a loser over and over again. There’s a decent woman out there who will appreciate OP but he won’t know until he gets rid of that cancer attached to his hip ….
Don’t you understand? He didn’t call her pretty… we all know that means you immediately find people to bang. I’ve been cheated on and the one thing they all have in common is that they’re able to convince themselves that it’s not their fault. That’s the only way they can look themself in the mirror. That’s why she feels lost because she’s torn between the person she “thinks” she is and the person she actually is (a cheater).
I second this. My mom remarried at 50 and was very happy.
Good on her. Seriously. I’d be a cat lady. ❤️
Wow, she is a piece of work and not worthy of you in any way. Your first mistake was putting her on a pedestal, that already made an imbalance. You should want to be with someone on your same level. She has no accountability and has somehow made herself the victim in all this. Please do not allow this toxic emotionally immature person in your life anymore and get her out of your heart!! Bad news! There is an amazing woman out there waiting for you that will love you and respect you!
The fact that she had the guts to take a trip to “Vegas”while you paid for the trip and dealt with the moving errands is enough to see that she will never respect you and the reconciliation is completely fake. Run now, her messing up this bad is your signal for a clean break.
Yes, you absolutely have to go. If I were you, I would force myself to commit to it by making clear to the family the marriage is over.
"Everyone, I'm sorry to say, but your mother and I will not be able to reconcile. She has once again flown off to be intimate with her affair partner, and now expects me to welcome her back. Some of you may want that, but this has killed any remaining love I had for her. We are divorcing, and I will not be changing my mind. In the past, she has blamed me for her affair, and will likely try to blame me for our divorce, but she is a married adult, she is entirely responsible for her own adulterous behavior, and her decisions have made it impossible for me to continue in this relationship. I neither like nor love the person she has become, and, while I mourn the loss of my marriage, I ask that you respect my desire not to see her."
Just tell them that. Hell, text them if you like on the family text chain if you have one, especially if she is on it.
Get out now. It’s gonna be complicated either way but the well has been poisoned.
Want your dignity back? Just say no.
Tell her you have tried marriage counseling in good faith, but in doing so have come to the realization that you will never be able to forgive her for destroying your family and she needs to leave. You will try to make the divorce as amicable as possible.
She thought the grass was greener, but after numerous tries, found out it wasn’t. She is still the same person that did this. You are still the same person that she rejected. If you continue as a couple, this will repeat the next time she thinks someone else might be better. And she will.
Not a chance I would even consider taking this woman back. Financial cheating, secret checks and cards ruining her finances. Emotional and physical cheating. Lying. Gaslighting. Playing at marriage counseling all the while scheming with her cheating partner to sabotage the marriage counseling?
I'd take off and nuke the marriage from orbit.... it's the only way to be safe...
Great post on why the pick me dance doesn’t work.
Is there any way I could possibly come out of this with any dignity
I am going to be blunt here, the possibility of that went out the window long ago, right now you should be trying to come out of this with your soul intact, right now you are letting her kill your spirit.
First of all you need to go get some counseling you are terribly co-dependent. Something is very wrong when you are consoling your wife about her affair. This is not normal and very unhealthy.
Besides that , instead of asking is there any chance the question you should be asking is should you be trying to.
You met this women very young, which means you have no context about how relationships are except this one. Given the ruthlessness of how she treated you it's hard for me to believe that she hasn't always treated you this way. You just have no experience to know there is better. This is very typical end game of a high school sweetheart type relationship. Someone grows into an asshole but the other person has no idea and things it's them that is unreasonable. Most of the time they come back an say, I had no idea how much I was settling.
You are still very young, you have the whole second half of your life to live. Seems to me you dedicated the whole first half and it didn't account for anything. She reads like a sociopath, she only wants what she can't have for pride sake. I'm serious, look up women narcissists and see if she doesn't fit the pattern. I say, don't make the same mistake twice.
The chances of you being happy are infinitesimal, more likely you will be miserable with her for a few years until you get over the emotional shock and then leave anyway. Thing is you can feel the pain and still make the decision with your head and not your heart. Then you can empower yourself and the second half of your life leaving with your head held high.
Staying doesn't make it any easier it pretty much just prolongs the time it takes to heal.
Life will go on, you will be happy again and she will get over it in her own way. Again the fact she was able to discard your relationship shows she isn't that deep.
You stay together and you will ruin the second half of your life.
Dude, get ahold of yourself. Contact a divorce attorney and serve this woman. She treats you like garbage and you deserve better. Drop her ass. Grey rock the shit out of her, and get her the fuck out of your house.
I promise, you treat yourself with some respect, and better women will be crawling all over each other for you.
Jesus dude at some point grow a spine
I mean, you kind of brought this on yourself when she came crawling back the first time. What were you even thinking? That she changed? If you aren't already divorced, get one and move on. Anything else is just going to lead to a miserable existence for the rest of your life.
I read all of this. Good God man, develop some self-respect and excise this miserable excuse for a human, let alone a partner, from your life. She will never not make you miserable.
Divorce her, she is using you as a safety net and a doormat. How many more times is she going to go to Texas to bang him due to trauma bonding? And then play I'm not going to do it again card. If she is true remorseful and wants the marriage to work, she needs to go to therapy and cut him out her life completely. If he messages her she needs to tell you straight away so you can delete the message and block the number.
My parents had the same situation as you up to a point. Mom was 16 when they married, and Dad was 18. Mom stayed at home until all us kids were in school full-time, then started working. But they did something I, being a typical know-it-all brat, didn't understand until much later in life; they wrote letters to each other. Mom was bad at talking about her feelings, but great at putting them on paper. When something bothered her enough that it interfered with her sleep, she wrote it all out during the day (or night) and slipped the letter into Dad's briefcase before he left in the morning for work. Dad would read her letters, write a reply, and then call a grandmother or aunt to stay with us kids and take Mom out to dinner, where they would go over both letters together, address the problems and make plans to resolve the issues. Many years later, I realized this was their way of being their own "therapists"; by putting it all on paper, they didn't get sidetracked by emotions clouding the narrative. They celebrated their 65th anniversary shortly before Mom passed and Dad slipped into dementia not long after.
What made them last a lifetime? They never stopped communicating. As simple and complicated as that. From your narrative, your wife stopped communicating with you in any meaningful way almost two years ago. Was it the co-worker 1,000 miles away creating the change? Or was it the younger women she was working with and seeing socially right there at home filling her head with the latest TikTok drivel about how she had wasted her life being your slave and wasn't appreciated? You will never know, but if after three months of marriage counseling all she can do is repeat that you don't 'tell her she's pretty' often enough, that there is no intimacy in your relationship, and she won't acknowledge that her behavior has damaged the trust between you, then you are right - the marriage is over. She now sees what that glorious life her younger female friends raved about is really like and wants what she carelessly tossed away back.
But please, move on slowly. Give yourself a timeline and stick to it. Like no serious relationships for at least three years - give yourself time to grieve the loss of an entire life, because that is what you are going through now. If you meet someone next month that checks all your boxes, if they are right for you, they will understand and wait. If they push, they have their own agenda and are probably a mistake. (Ask me how I know.)
Good luck!
Oof after reading this the fact you are worried about dignity is laughable. You know you should divorce, you know she only came back because you are her atm. Stop doing this to yourself and move on. If you take her back again you have 0 right to get mad
"If you pick up a snake and it bites you, then do not be mad at the snake for it is in its nature." - someone old.
What a joke.
Dude are you a door mat or something.........
Well, she's right about one thing, she doesn't deserve you.
I just don't see what's worth salvaging. Cheating and blaming you, lies, no introspection or accountability, she just wants what she had back. How long until she's off fucking around again?
Yes, you have to end it. Who cares if she works 2 jobs to make ends meet? She threw her life and her family away because she's selfish. Be done.
Why oh why is she still in your life. Pack her shit and set it outside or in a storage unit somewhere. Give her the key and tell her she is fucked up and there is no coming back. End this now
Grow some fucking balls dude
Tough love moment… if you keep ignoring the red flags, you will deserve what you get. Your marriage will never go back to how it was before. Especially if she’s going to keep talking to her AP.
Get a lawyer and do what the lawyer says to do.
In some states, if you divorce due to infidelity the wayward spouse is not entitled to alimony/palimony, but if you reconcile, then divorce, they are. So make sure you document that she’s still cheating with the same AP.
Do you want to spend another 50 years like this? If the answer is yes, do nothing. If the answer is no, divorce.
Divorce her she’s a pos
She's never going to be the same person you have in your head. She's constantly proving that she is a liar and a cheater. Set a better example for your kids on what a successful marriage should be and find someone new. They'll understand even if it takes some time.
When you move on with your life, you're going to look back on this moment and wonder: what the hell was I thinking?
Is it wrong to hope this post is fake ?
I think she may have a serious mental health problem and needs professional help.
If you don’t want to be contacted, there are ways to be absolutely certain it can never happen. Block numbers, obtain a new number, close facebook accounts, stay off TikTok, etc. She wants to be contacted. You need to find someone who is worthy of you. You are better than this.
Make a new plan, Stan.
Is there any way I could possibly come out of this with any dignity?
Oh I think we’re way past that point, my guy. It was time to cut and run a LONG time ago.
Please, move on. I was married for 31 years, and knew my UW for 36 years, when she cheated on me. It is really hard to move to n after being together for so long. I have been hanging on for 4 years. Today, I finally had a breakthrough with my PTSD therapist. I am working on leaving.
“So over the next couple of months we reconcile…”
Really?
“The time…has been filled with me having to console her over this lost relationship with another man.”
At this point you deserve all of this. She was gone and you welcomed this back? Advice cant help masochism.
If dignity could be measured in negative points, ffs.
Your children’s children will be born without dignity if you keep up this insanity.
Dude, open your eyes.
You know there's no coming back from this. This trauma bonding bullshit is complete bullshit. She's a serial cheater and she likely has a LOT of other issues, but ultimately she's a liar about EVERYTHING and you can never ever ever trust her again. She likely cheated on you repeatedly throughout the marriage. now that you know she can lie consistently, easily, through tears, about anytthing and to anyone, who the hell knows? You can try to be friends for the family/kids' sake, but the relationship is long over. And it's time for her to come clean. Peronsally, I would make her tell the kids and the family that she was having an affair this entire time, including every time she begged you to reconcile, but continued to lie, continued to cheat on you, and continued to manipulate things.Including her most recent cheating. That she never took therapy seriously, that she blamed you on purpose to distract from her own cheating. I would tell her she has to do that if there's any chance. Then after she does that, I still wouldn't reconcile.
Look man, I am a woman. I am usually pretty undertanding to other women. But this is beyond me. I don't care if you were the literal WORST most inattentive husband there ever was. You still didn't do ANYTHING that would have caused this. THIS IS A CHARACTER FLAW OF HERS and not yours. You didn't cheat, you didn't abuse her. If she was unhappy and wanted more, she should have LEFT. Not lied and cheated. There's literally no excuse. She could have separated. She could have told you she needed more. There were a MILLION things she could have done. She Chose to cheat. She chose to lie to you about it, about how far it went. She lied to everyone else about it and threw you under the bus to everyone you know. She's the most disloyal person I've heard of. You can't be with this woman, she's a liability. There is no thing you could EVER have done that would have justified the levels of lying and manipulation that went on here. She told EVERYONE that it was an emotional affair and it was your fault. All while still seeing this guy? Lied to you, the kids, her mom, and probably herself. Lied in therapy. I just can't. She has serious mental issues and she needs help, but you can't be married to her, at all, ever, anymore. And your kids are adults. Please make sure they know the WHOLE truth.
Whatever she admitted to you, she has cheated at LEAST 5x as much as she's admitting. Probably everytime she left the house for "no reason" or to "clear her head." This woman hasn't even BEGUN to start being honest with you. Just leave and let her sort her issues on her own. You have a life to still live.
She's cheated, lied, and treats you like crap. Yet you still try. Honestly, WHY should she stop? She knows you'll take her back! That way, she has her cake & eat it too. Stop being a door mat! You deserve better!
I often told people she was genuinely the best person I had ever known.
You are an incredibly bad judge of character.
This woman is a damn train wreck. An incredible self centered asshole. Have some respect for yourself and cut her out of your life.
I know I have to go....
No, you have to stay, she has to go.
The time you have spent setting yourself on fire to keep her warm needs to come to an end. Your whole existence with her has been you burning yourself in hopes that she would at least appreciate the warmth. But in the end all it has given you is full thickness burns to the extent that you no longer feel anything.
All of the nerve endings have been burnt away and all that remains of the life you had with her, of the feelings that you had for her are now just a dull, never ending ache.
Please OP, the time for you to stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm is now. She will just keep taking as long as your offering. She knows no different. That is who she is. She will never change.
It's time for you to stay where you are and for her to go away.
You moved on from her once, you can do it again.
It doesn't matter what she calls it...she was cheating and still is and wants to keep you as backup. Make the cut! Your kids are old enough and your wife is too. Put your own life first and and end this charade!
Holy hell man just take some peace back in your life. Sorry for what she’s put you through.
She is an absolute train wreck. Of course she misses you because you've been a complete doormat who accepts whatever horrible shit she does to you. Please grab whatever happiness you can away from her!
Oh jesus no. It is done. There is no coming back from this. There are far too many reasons why to list. But lets just do the big 3. Trust. Trust. Trust
She isn’t going to stop cheating. Her past behavior has demonstrated that she has not owned up to her actions or has any remorse. She continues to lie and use you as a backup. She is a liar and cannot be trusted. Divorce her and move on.
This is just who she is, dude. You married trash and she's forever going to be trash.
You can take her back and she will be trash. You can leave her and she will be trash. But if you leave her, she is someone else's trash to handle.
Do not waste your life on this wreck of a woman.
You don't fly to another state to "break up properly" for one... and you don't keep in contact for two.
And three... you don't accidentally sleep with someone 4-5 times again.
Nope. So much nope.
Dude you are going to be a total CATCH for a woman who will appreciate the prize you are.
It's not your soon to be EX wife.
How can you possibly think she's the best person you know.?
If that's true, then you are surrounded by really shitty people.
She's done nothing but lie to you, to her family, and to herself about everything. She's never accepted responsibility for any of her actions.
If one of your children were treated the way you have been, what would you tell them to do?
Break up with her, permanently, and please seek individual therapy to ascertain why you have allowed her to hurt you like this, repeatedly.
She should have been gone after the financial indiscretions.
Good luck to you. Invest in yourself. Keep away from her.
Gah... I know love makes us doing crazy things, but buddy.... you literally had your nuts slammed over and over and asked for seconds. Did no one in your family attempt to make you see that you were literally on a hamster wheel going in circles? Your wife was a lost cause the first time around. You gave her a 2nd chance and then a 3rd and then a 4th and so on. If you haven't figured it out by now, listen well. It's time to drop her and leave her in your past. No more coming to her rescue.
I fully agree with one commentor, OP where is your dignity? I thought this letter was fake considering the amount of self loathing you seem to have. She has been gaslighting you from the beginning worst part you know it and let her do it. I hope this letter was fake because it makes no sense.
Omg if this is real and I highly suspect you’re a troll, then for having no backbone, or self worth you deserve her. If you manage to grow a pair, kick this piece of trash to the curb. If this is real because dude…wtf?
You had a good run for 27 years of marriage. It’s time to move on and let go. This not the end but a new beginning for you.
You're kidding, right? You are a joke to this woman. "She couldn't help it" is not a suitable reason for anyone past the age of 3. Repeatedly going behind your back and doing the things she promised she'd stop? And YOU have to console her over HER affair.
No way you hate yourself this much to stay and put up with this. No way. Btw, how are your children handling all of this insanity?
No move on - you are still young enough to do so. for your sanity move on
There’s no saving this. Kick her out.
Divorce her already. This isn’t going to change. She’s just stringing you along. You deserve better.
lol this woman sounds like a nightmare, move on with your life already. you are being used.
This woman will destroy your life! Please have some self respect and leave her! I know cheating sucks but she lied to you and was beating around the bush. :(
I hope everything goes well for you OP! :)
Sorry mate but you are a whole different kind of beta 😂
You're her sugar daddy now.
🚩 🚩 🚩
🏃🏃🏃
Yeah, This will never end, she doesn’t love you or respect you just doesn’t want to be alone. You need to separate yourself from her asap, may also need a std panel. You have adult kids they will be fine. Good luck
Dear OP, your wife is a hot freaking mess. Honestly, she may need in-patient therapy to get over whatever issues she is dealing with. Until she gets personal, individual therapy from a professional (not some boy-toy), I would not allow her in your life. She may have some form of bipolar or other mental health issue that needs treatment, including possibly medication. She is manipulative and border line abusive to you. I get you love her, but damn, you need some self-respect and not allow her to twist you into knots.
There's a Tammy Wynette song for this and it's not the one about standing by. She only came back because her fantasy became inconvenient, so she decided to see how far you'd let her walk over you. You know it's over. The divorce is probably going to be a more painful process now that you let her come back and move in. She walked out willingly before. But now that she saw how difficult it was, she probably won't walk out now unless forced by a court. But that's all water under the bridge. Call your lawyer and move forward.
She only came back because she thought you were moving on. Now that you are doing a pick me dance she’s losing interest. You might forgive but you’ll never forget.
Dude. Commmmeeeeee onnnnnnn. Like seriously? The only way you’re going to come out of this with dignity is by going through with the divorce. She clearly believes she’s not at fault for anything. Stop wasting money on MC — whether it’s with a therapist or at a church is doesn’t make a difference
How can you still possibly love this woman on any level? She has used you all these years.
Finally you see her for who she is. Better late than never.
OP please recognize you deserve way better and end the farce your marriage has become.
She’s been cheating with ‘her ex’ while telling you she wants to be together.
So she spends your money, lives in the nice house you built for the two of you as well as your children and her mother but still regularly chats with and has sex with her ex?
Nope.
By the way get yourself a doctor’s appointment and get tested for STDs/STIs as I doubt ‘safe sex’ was a discussion topic with her ex.
This was exhausting to read. Let her go man, she wants the other guy but knows he won't commit. Drop her like a hot rock.
Be an example for your kids and leave her cheating ass. Is this what you want your kids to see in a relationship? Is this what you want them to have?
My issues with her always revolved around trust. She is a financial tornado. Bad checks, check cashing, secret credit cards and on and on. In my mid twenties I took over all the finances as I couldn't count on her to pay the bills. Lights shut off, deliquint mortgage and car payments etc.
YOU SHOULD HAVE DIVORCED HER A LONG TIME AGO BUD.
Now is the time to go through with it.
Get therapy because you don't want to chose another partner in which YOU HAVE TO REMIND: pay the bills, pay the mortgage, pay the dentist, pay the vet bill, etc.
Quite possibly you have unresolved childhood trauma and victim of Narcissistic abuse.
This woman is only going to bring you down.
She says she’s “trauma bonded” but refuses to do anything about it. She lives miles away and still goes to see him? She’s never going to stop. She should have never gone. She wanted to. That’s why she did it. She wants her cake and to eat it to. She knows you will forgive her life youve done many times before. She likes her cushy life with you and that’s why she’s with you. Is she still working two jobs? Would she have been able to afford going to Vegas without you? She’s using you and you’re allowing it. She only came back to you because you were doing well and dating. While I feel bad for you now, if you keep allowing her back- it’s on you. You’re allowing this now. You’ll be so much happier without her. Block and move on.
After all that there is no way for you to leave with your dignity. Maybe that’s the way you needed it to be to realize you need to leave. Sometimes we only learn at rock bottom. Hopefully this is it for you. Start shining that spine of yours until it’s big and strong enough to end it for good.
Your ex sucks, move on
Marriage is not supposed to be this hard. My husband and I are in your age range, similar time together. We’ve had ups and downs financially, terrifying moments as parents, very serious health issues, dry spells in the bedroom, etc.
But this shit you’re describing is absolutely batshit, friend. This marriage was toxic for a long time from your description. Maybe your wife has undiagnosed mental illness. Maybe menopause has sent her over the edge. Maybe you weren’t an attentive husband. Maybe you were checked out or low key depressed. Who knows?!
None of that matters. It’s too late. There is too much to fix here. Like an impossible amount. You’ll never trust her again. She’ll always have one foot out the door. You’ll always be on edge, wondering if today is the day she blows up your life again. She’s always going to feel resentful over the financial situation, the lack of intimacy, etc.
Just let it go. Let the marriage end with whatever dignity you can scrape together. Get a good lawyer. Get your financial situation squared away with your retirement as the focus and your kids as the second priority.
And don’t date or get into a relationship for a LONG time. You need to see a therapist and really unpack why you allowed someone to treat you like this. If you don’t, your next relationship will be just as bad, and you’ll be too old to financially recover from the hit.
Man you don’t know how to make any good decisions huh
Oh man if this is a real…
You must 100% end things with her. You need to have some level of self-respect and not allow her to cuckold you any longer (I dislike that term, especially the fetishisation of it, but it applies here).
You will never forget this or get over it, you will never trust her again, she will never respect you again. If you take her back she knows she can blow up everything, fuck around, and you’ll be waiting there like limp soggy celery that no one else wants. She got the experiences she wants and now she wants you to lavish her with whatever she wants. She needs to know that there are consequence for her actions, and part of that is life without you.
You have to make a clean break and think forwards about your life.
Also, can I just add that “trauma bond” is absolutely ridiculous. People will say whatever self help jargon they can find to excuse their behaviours. It’s not a real thing that needs to be respected. Fuck that garage talk.
ewwww… dude move on…
She’s a trash bro. Move on. You deserve better
Op, you deserve better. Move on
Am I the only one sorry for that lady friend stuck in shit storm and discarded for that manic wife.
I know that you have already checked out .
And it's the right choice .
Wow 🤯 how people have energy for All that!
OP - finish this with whatever is left of your dignity.
She’s setting an AWFUL example to the kids - and that’s another reason for you to take charge …. You can’t let them see this BS. Send her and her toxic ass to her side piece and don’t let her come back. Seriously ?? He can have her.
Not your problem is he doesn’t WANT her ….. that’s her problem.
You know you don’t trust her.
You know the (eventual) permanent split is coming.
Get a lawyer and talk to your kids.
Wtf is wrong with you? Throw her out and stop being LAME
this has to be fake lol, no way youre still with her
Its time to put out your arm and keep her at a distance. And if you havent yet, get some individual therapy to delve into why you allow her to treat you this way.
Put it on repeat in your head: YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Pay the exit fee for divorce and just casually date two 23 year olds. Problem solved.
She has already tried to skew family’s perception to make you out to be the bad guy.
Therapy doesn’t work just ask any divorced man who’s been with a chaotic vindictive woman. Stay in it and your damage will only continue. Time to jump out the plane on fire or row the life raft away from the titanic.
"When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And for a while, I believed, that's the kind of love I had." - A. Rothstein
That woman now knows she can do whatever she want to you. She has no respect for you she missed her comfortable life. And what kind of message do y’all send to your kids when you do this. Love is not enough for this type of nonsense. I need you to remember who you are and stand up. Get that lady out of there and let her take her momma with her.
man I've been looking for this post again all day since first read it
I just wanted to say you are NOT a doormat. you're a human being and some people just suck despite how much we try
thinking of you dude. it has and is going to be a rough road, just wanted you to know you're not alone
No if it were me I’d be one and done. No refunds, no exchanges, all sales final
If your state penalizes a person for adultery then it would be worth it to get proof. If you more than her then she may go for alimony.
Sorry this has happened OP but she only came back because her relationship with the other man failed. Please move on.
I love this woman and placed her on a pedistol for years.
Ah, I've found the problem. Literally didn't read any of your post past this.
Putting someone on a pedestal isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to her and it's not healthy for a relationship. Full stop. End of story.
This your own fault, stupid ass.
updateme
You know that you have to go. Why in the mother of god you want to take her back. She's abusing you. Cut her out and start over. Nobody deserves to be betrayed like this.
Stop the madness and file for divorce. The kids are old enough to be on their own and mil is not your problem. New house, so what? Sell it and pay off lingering debts then split the difference. Do you really want to reconcile? Even if you get back together there will always be resentment about what she did. You will never be able to trust her again. Why drag it out your both young enough to start over don’t waste any more brain cells on this train wreck. Good luck
Divorce.
"So over the next couple of months we reconcile, in that time I found her talking with him a couple more times.
The time from October to now has been filled with me having to console her over this lost relationship with another man.
Finally 2 weeks ago she tells me after we reconciled when she was going to Vegas she flew to Texas first. To break up properly... Slept with him 4-5 more times then went to her friends in Vegas."
Dude open your eyes. Get a hold of yourself. Get a divorce and move on.
This needs to be done. It’s a train wreck. She has been the conductor. Causing an immense amount of damage. Jump off.
You are not at her mercy. You can make choices that are best for you. This affair is, clearly, going to be an ongoing thing. You don’t want this to be the rest of your life.
Brother, you are better than that
OP, no you can’t come out of this with any dignity. You left your dignity behind a long time ago.
Is this real? Consoling her over a lost relationship with the guy she was sleeping with (to say it nicely).
This is your relationship. Stay and enjoy the best person you have ever known
I couldn't even get through this.
Read it back and answer your own question.
She only came back because she ran out of money.
She was working two jobs and couldn’t afford everything she wanted including traveling to her affair partner. I am so sorry but she’s not with you because she loves you. She’s with you because she loves herself. She wants the life you can provide while she still does everything and anything she wants.
Do I think she is consciously doing this to rip you to pieces. No, but that just makes it worse. How much she’s hurting you and others doesn’t matter to her because all she cares about is her wants and desires. She still refuses to see she did anything wrong and just blames you for her actions. Church marriage counseling won’t change or help that. You have been slowly breaking down through all this physically and emotionally. She doesn’t care. Your children see all this happening and it’s impacting them and she doesn’t care. Let that sink in. She doesn’t care about how she’s hurting the children she gave birth to. You honestly think she’s going to change because of something a clergy person says? She’s still communicating with the affair partner. You say he reaches out to her but why didn’t she block him in everything? She’s still engaging with him, she has no reason not to.
You need to start protecting your own and your children’s wellbeing and just end this madness. Get yourself into therapy on your own and start dealing with all the trauma you’ve been through and start letting a lawyer deal with your wife. You don’t deserve any of this. The hardest part will be realizing and accepting that the wife you knew and loved is gone. The woman you’re dealing with now is not her.
Hello backup plan dude! 💁
Why do you want to stay, because you said you would? Be mindful staying doesnt fix anything, what's to prevent it from happening again?
It's over dude, she mad a choice that ended the sanctity of your marriage, she broke the commitment, you are free from your marriage contract.
This story is fucking ridiculous I'm sorry.
How many times are you going to let her spit in your face before you get the point man? She doesn't love you, hasn't for a long time.
Divorce her and live your life in peace and let her continue down her path of intentional self destruction. You can't love her into being a better person, or into loving you back.
I guess it just depends on how much more abuse you’re willing to take from her. She doesn’t want you, she wants him, but he’s too inconvenient to actually be with. If you ever get her away from him completely, she’ll likely just find another loser to latch on to.
You get to pay for her lifestyle and these other men get to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
You deserve better.
Bro go to buy some self respect and put her back to the street
Get out of this. Divorce her. Your kids are adults now, so that should be easier on them than if they were teens.
You deserve better.
Sir. Hold your head up, put on your big boy pants and start your life anew. This relationship died a long time ago. She’s using you now. It’s ok to want more for yourself so go get it! End this and I promise you that you will look back later and wish you did it sooner! Good luck ✌🏻
Updateme!
OP Please get some counseling! Wow, you took her back and still frame it "fling". If you go to church you know that "TRUTH and HONESTY" are two covenants that are preach, if you are christian. She has shown neither and you are being far to forgiving to show that you really know what those covenants are.
I hope you've learned as its never to late to learn. The lesson here is: You can't trust the demon when they have already proven they are compromised.
Seek divorce and move on with your life!
Dude. This relationship is over. Stop forcing it. She lied, she cheated, and she blamed you without taking any responsibility. Then she came back when it got too difficult to pay her bills and when things didn't work out with the other guy. She doesn't want to be with you. She just wants the stability you provide. You deserve so, so much more!
You tried marriage counseling. She wouldn't put in the effort. She'd rather take "coaching" from some rando. Now she's having a melt down. She's making a lot of excuses for what is really just bad behavior.
The only way to reconcile is if she gets help, then go back to marriage counseling. If she's not willing to do the work, then she not interested in saving the marriage.
And, to, please, talk to a therapist yourself. This is a lot to go through alone.
Good luck.
She put this other guy ahead of you, poured all of her energy into him. That's why counseling didn't work. She never blocked him or broke contact completely. That's why she went back to him. She was a financial tornado, that's why you grew cold. From what I see, the problems are all hers. She seems to never be satisfied in life. She needs individual counseling. Marriage counseling won't help.
If she commits to individual counseling, maybe she will change. Whether or not you still love her and want to wait is up to you. Good luck OP.
Just no…all this woman is going to do is mess you about, she will get the excitement from flings but then realises she needs the stability of you the house and the marriage, so she will keep doing this behind your back, you cannot deny that you have given this woman more than enough opportunities to sort her shit out, to see your value and worth but she appears to have thrown them all in your face. If trust is a big thing for you I feel like she has done absolutely ZERO work on building that trust back up, by flying over to him to break up properly are you kidding me…the first step in building trust back is you change your number block them from your facebook, take passcode off phone, let you look at her phone without question, and trauma bond…seriously…that woman is a piece of work self involved self pitying, incapable of seeing another point view that paints her in a bad light and will do/say anything to justify her despicable actions as so called wife. She DOES NOT deserve you, the trust is broken, she broke it, she deserves to be on her own & you deserve to be free of the weight of wondering for the next god knows how many years if she’s doing dirty behind your back again.
There's no forgiveness once you crossed the line even after fully knowing the adversities it would bring to their loved ones... These type of people are not worth even wasting a sec of our precious time...
Cut your losses and start over, she made her bed let her sleep in it, she will do it again
I'm so sorry. We always hope the person we marry will grow old with us, love and respect us but that's just not the case, even with long marriages. Your wife sounds like she hit a midlife crisis and wanted to sow her oats but then when she found out how hard life was, realized she wanted her easy but "boring" life back.
You should've demanded she get counseling on her own and with you before allowing her to move back. She has friends she can stay with or she could continue to work those two jobs but letting her back into your life with nothing but a sure, honey makes her believe she can walk all over you. She lied to your face and believe me, omitting the truth is the same as lying; you shouldn't have to ask a pointed question. Honestly, I don't know if she's capable of being a good wife again, but it appears she's doing nothing but making excuses.
Wow, she found the right doormat in you.
You love to hurt
I’m so sorry this happened.
Best course would to get a self esteem and kick her sorry ass to the curb.
I divorced at 52, best thing I ever did! Only a dog returns to its vomit! You can and will do better!
Grow a pair, brother. You deserve better. Your wife wants to have cheap flings with loser men. Let her go and block this woman already. How little she must think of you to call you when her fling had a hiccup, pour her heart out, and seek comfort from you? You're nothing to her but a good mat at the door. She is the perfect example of modern feminism further damaging good homes. Terms like "lost myself in the marriage" and "I didn't know who I am" are all buzz phrases. Also, seeking to find themselves coincides with an affair partner. It's a way for the wife to blame the husband for the affair and to justify it. Justify breaking up the family as well. It's a shame. All of it so they can sleep with other men it's a cheap psychological trick. Leave her for good and don't be her safety pushover net. Let her crash and burn with her horrible choices. Obviously, it's not easy because you held her on a pedestal. If you haven't seen the light yet then...oh well, good luck.
She's been cheating on you for a while. Divorce and find happiness with a decent partner.
Well, every kind of relationship has to be built on respect! And by that, i mean respect to self first! You have done more than an average person would have! Except respecting YOU! Move on and let her deal with her ego! Search inside you and power up!
She has made her bed and needs to sleep in it. You need to go gray rock 🪨 and 180. Do not play her game. She wants back because the affair potato 🥔 🤪 has probably dumped her. She needs to have consequences 😩 for her actions. She will just go back to her ways after a few months.
She will only respect you if you are strong 💪.
What in the fucking world is this.
Lawyer-up, change the locks.
So sorry OP. Close the door and never open it again. Let her fall apart because that’s what she deserves
Do you even want it to? Whatever relationship you have if you stay will never look like what came before. According to statistics 69% of marriages break up as a result of an affair. 53% of couples who stay together after affair divorce within 5 years.
So is it salvageable? sure but statistically against the odds. Is it better or worse? Maybe but again statistics say it’s not a great chance. But again the real question is do you want to salvage it? If yes, why? I think you need therapy to understand that.
UpdateMe
She is an ugly person.
She also needs to take care of her mom not you.
If the next time you post and you aren't divorcing, or don't know what to do then you will be a super doormat because you already are a doormat. If you do, however, ridiculous yourself of this shit stain of a human being, your doormat status will be revoked. UpdateMe!
You really need some self-respect. Divorce the loser and move on. It's never too late to find happiness.
Doesn’t sound like she’s worked through any of her issues- she’s just bouncing around and leaving a trail of destruction in her wake.
I think relationships can survive all kinds of drama- but only if each person truly digs deep and does the work to get to the root of the problem and heal. I don’t see where she’s done any of that. I suspect being on the cusp of menopause is really f-ing with her sanity, but it’s no excuse plenty of women weather that time period without imploding their lives.
Dude are you nuts? You had a get out of jail free and took her back? Well good luck coming to your senses this time and getting shut of her for good. Yikes
No - there is absolutely no chance of surviving this intact. With a woman like that, you shouldn't even consider it.
This is rage bait, right? If not I'm shaking my head like a bobblehead.
You need to meet with a divorce lawyer and move on. If it is a community property state, you will have to give up half of everything so plan ahead for where you will live after you sell your house or if you can afford to buy her out of her half. You both need a clean break and she needs counseling. If the other man really is a narcissist then she really might have trauma from it but it shouldn't be your problem to fix. She needs to fix herself on her own and you deserve to move on.
This is why cheating is a deal breaker for me. It is like a murderer who wants to fix his crime. So he goes to the victim and tells him to do it. That is what cheaters want you to do fix their insecurities and damage.
Please let this woman go, she destroyed her life, and could have yours, if you were not resilient. She is still in the cheating mode, and doesn't get reconciliation. You have none by the way, she is still engaged in destructive behavior. Don't take her back, and don't reconcile, she is a bad mate. Let her go and find her way. When she wants to say you didn't tell her she is pretty tell her she needs to find a new man. I am so sorry this has gone on like this, but she will not be a good wife.
Can you stop being so clueless and naive please? You come off pretty bad that I'm not sure this is even real. Can you please dump her and get divorced already. There is no such thing as fucking someone not your husband because of a trauma bond.
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This woman is a disaster. Move on with your life and be happy.
She also fucked someone on that cruise. Things started well before her confessed affair.