I have to ask for sex from my 30 F girlfriend - 27M

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Have you ever told her that it would make you feel good if she initiated sometimes? How often are you asking for sex and how do you ask?

have you looked into reactive vs spontaneous desire? i know personally, i’m reactive while my partner is spontaneous - i think if it was up to me to initiate, we would have sex pretty infrequently. that being said - i’m incredibly attracted to my partner and our sex is amazing!! my brain/body just need reminding that it’s something we can do LOL

i would just have an in depth conversation with her about when/how she gets in the mood (and vice versa) and about how always having to initiate makes you feel and go from there!

Get the paired app.

Figure out where your misalignment is.

I'm guessing you are passive, hoping she comes to you. She probably wants you to be a lot more aggressive and take the lead. You are sounding like you are hoping that she takes more of an initiative.

This leads to a loop of both not feeling fulfilled.

Communication is the key.

Do you think maybe she was raised to think women shouldn’t initiate it? Does she feel insecure or have hang ups about it? Can you talk to her about this in a nice, understanding way and ask why she doesn’t initiate it and explain how you feel?

She might not have much of a sex drive especially if she is on medication for depression or birth control. Can't fix that.

Fun fact: men get a dose of testosterone every 15 minutes. Women only get a dose of testosterone for four or five days while they are ovulating.

There are also two types of desire. Spontaneous desire (you see something and want to have sex) or responsive desire (response to arousal). If your partner has responsive desire, which is common for women, she needs to be turned on to want sex. She won’t just initiate because she needs to be aroused to even think about sex.

https://mytherapynyc.com/difference-spontaneous-responsive-sexual-desire/

https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire

INFO: have you had a discussion with her about it?

Girl here. I'm not saying this is the case, but it's very, VERY likely to be part of the problem because, well, men expect to have a freak in the sheets and an indentured slave in all other things.

When was the last time you did something for her without the expectation of sex as a reward? When did you competently do household chores and not half-ass it so she had to go back later and "do it the right way", with the subconscious thought that if I do it wrong or badly enough, you'll never have to again because she won't ASK you to.

When was the last time you rubbed her back or played with her hair without going for a boob or ass grab? When did you last take her on a date and chase her like you did when you first got together? Have you gotten her flowers lately? Or something else she likes? Have you asked how her day was? Changed the sheets on the bedding? Did a load of laundry? Cooked a meal? Went grocery shopping? Cleaned the toilet that you likely pissed all over? Or is she waiting on you hand and foot like a mommy, and you're confused as to why she wouldn't want to share her body with you after doing literally everything else for you and getting nothing in return?

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What if the post read like this instead?

I’ve been dating a girl for two years and anytime {insert= we need to clean, go on a date, she makes a mess and it needs picking up, the dishes need done, or the trash needs to be taken out, she says she'll do the thing she said she would do three times ago, etc} I have to initiate it.

If I didn’t bring it up or ask, I don’t think she {insert= would clean, take me on a date, buy me flowers, clean up her mess, take the trash out, do the dishes, do the thing she said he would do three times ago, etc}

I used to have amazing {insert= respect, consideration, romance, care, etc) with my ex girlfriend and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so it’s a complete 180 from what I am used to. (Should I stop comparing them? Or examine what I was doing differently in that relationship versus this one? Did I try harder with my ex? Or were we both much younger and it wasn't serious?)

{Instert=respect, romance, consideration, random acts of kindness, being attuned to your partners needs without them having to ask or hound you, acting like a mature and responsibly adult rather than a dependent, etc) that comes naturally is always better than having to ask for it.

It almost makes me feel like a burden (because I don't do any of these things to facilitate a healthy adult relationship because she's instead like my mommy) and because of that, sex seems like it’s becoming a chore for her.

Do you think (I'm not upholding my end of this relationship while expecting and) requiring sex too often or do you think I just have a girlfriend with a low sex drive? (Or am I selfish and missing cues and signs that are actually pretty obvious and should be my responsibility to fulfill my end of this relationship so both our needs are being met? Am I willfully being ignorant and acting the fool about our entire life situation and only focusing on the physical part because that's all I really care about anyway?)

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I don't know you or your relationship, but chances are that YOU are the one failing and not meeting her needs in any way, shape, or form, but expecting sex, is high. Women aren't drop of a hat ready for sex. Porn lied to you.

When was the last time she came? And if you don't know, you're doing it wrong.

Today's Valentine's Day. Did you do anything for her? Idgaf if it's a commercial holiday. The small things matter.

Is there a chance that she has a low sex drive. Maybe. But more times than not, no. She's not getting her needs met by you in other ways and that translates to lack of interest in sex. Women need their mental and emotional needs met. It's not hard, you just have to want to and do it.

First step, sit her down and have an adult conversation with her about this and ask her what you can do for her.

Is she on birth control? It has killed many a libido

I (29F) was in a relationship with my ex (30M) for five years and we had the same issues you’re talking about. I never initiated and most of the time we did have sex, I didn’t enjoy it very much. I had always had a much higher sex drive in the past, and I chalked it up to so many things and tried so many avenues to try to heal/grow/change in order to make that relationship work. I thought it might be a result of sexual trauma from abuse I experienced with my exes, I thought it might be stress, or that there were things my partner had been doing that were turning me off (as I’ve seen a couple of other people suggest on here).. I tried individual and couples therapy with a marriage and family counselor as well as a licensed sex therapist that had been recommended to me by a gynecologist I had seen to find if there was any physical reason why I had been experiencing pain during sex (there wasn’t). After all of that and five years of learning and growing together with my ex partner, we were best friends, but the sexual aspect never changed.

Turns out we just didn’t have chemistry. It never quite felt right, and that just wasn’t able to be changed apparently. We broke up and both started dating other people and I immediately discovered that my sex drive was alive and well, just not with him. It just wasn’t the right fit. I dated a decent number of people during about a 7-8 month period (after 12 years of back to back monogamous relationships) and finally got a chance to learn what I like and want on a new level.

Now I am with someone who is by far the best sex of my life because our chemistry is just sooo good. I went from having sex with my ex maaaaybe 3-6 times a year to having sex sometimes 3-4 times in a day. And I have zero pain because I’m so turned on. I had actually still been sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with my ex until two weeks ago and he just moved out and my new boyfriend (29M) moved in 🤣 We are still great friends and on great terms with each other, we just weren’t a fit sexually 😅

Moral of the story.. I agree with the people who are saying that this probably won’t change, and you should decide if you can be happy with the way things are. If not, it’s probably best to start exploring other options. You will probably both end up happier if you find someone who is a better match. But disclaimer—it was a lot of hard work and took going on dates and talking to quite A LOT of people to find that person for me, all while continuing to do therapy and trying to grow out of unhealthy patterns. And I did experience a pretty heavy and very painful heartbreak with someone during that process. It wasn’t easy, but I would absolutely do it all again to end up where I am now.

Having gone through a similar situation with my partner (he wasn't satisfied with the level of sex we were having and the fact that I don't tend to initiate it) I would like to suggest that you look into "respondent libido" because once I read up on it I realised it was describing me perfectly. I hardly ever feel the need to have sex, barely ever just "get horny" and feel as if I have no libido, but once my partner starts to make a move (sometimes already having sex) my libido shoots right up and I am seriously into it. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of people realise that 70% of women have this type of libido, and its often the cause of a relationship breakdown or infidelity just because the other person expects their partner to have a similar libido, or they end up feeling unwanted by the lack of initiation. I think that if you look into it and you feel like it describes your partner, then you need to accept that you are likely to be the one who always initiates sex and although it may sound "unfair", if you just get rid of that label you can see it as more of a ying-yang situation, you may be the one who initiated sex, but your partner may be the one who keeps the balance in other ways.

How many times you have sex ?

Just talk to her.

There are all kinds of reasons. Some women litterally want sex but either refuse to initiate or think they can't because it's a "man's role". All kinds of bs can be cleared up if you talk with her.

But also, could be she's just not that into sex or you... 

You’re girlfriend sounds just like me. I love intimacy with my partner but i’m extremely shy.

Have you asked the reason why your girlfriend has hard time to initiate? I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 so that and some other stuff left me traumatized. Also my some of my family is religious/conservative so I learned to feel shame and guilt about anything sexual. Also I was mentally abused as a child so my selfesteem is very bad and it shows in relationships.

Your girlfriend could have some of these issues also. Therapy could help if she has any of these issues. Sexuality is a huge subject with different levels and all things affect it from mental health to childhood

My GF was the same but what she needs is feeling pretty to want it. Try bringing her on a date, compliment her on how good she looks and act as if it was your first date (not pushy). Let us know how it goes.

Same situation. It doesnt go away

I’m somewhat like your girlfriend here. Our circumstances may not be the same but let me give you a perspective from where she could be coming from.

Women’s sex drive is influenced by multiple factors. Work can be stressful and taxing which sometimes makes us want to just shut down, sleep and not be bothered. Does she/you guys have children? If so, that will absolutely affect her sex drive. I have one kid. He’s 8 and on certain days he’s more clingy than others. When he’s like that I don’t want my husband to even look at me wrong LOL Did you guys have sex a lot at the beginning of your relationship? Being in a new relationship and exploring someone’s body is fun. Being in a long term relationship, the newness wears off and sex isn’t as spontaneous anymore because you know what to expect. Try something new.

Chat with her about your guys sex life but come at it from an understanding, or trying to understand, perspective. Ask her how things are at work. Ask her how her day is doing. Try to be spontaneous with her. When she comes home from work or school, greet her by walking up to her and giving her a substantial kiss and tell her you missed her or you’re happy to see her. Run her a hot bath. Etc…. She may just simply feel like you don’t value her or maybe you’re not putting in enough effort so she feels distant? Talk to her about it.

Is she on birth control? Or takes any mental health medication?? If so this might be the reason why she doesn't have this sex drive and willing to make the 1st step and have sex with you. If not she also might be raised in a culture where women shouldn't have sex or take the initiative to ask for sex. There's also a possibility that she's into dominant men and want you to always make that step and be aggressive or just dominant in bed uk what I mean? The only advice I could give you is to go somewhere or just at home and talk about it openly, say how she makes you feel amd if there's something you do wrong or if she's into something else just try to communication with her and if she's not changing or she has no excuse why she's that way then you know what to do, it's too hard to stay in a relationship with a partner who makes you feel like you're the only one who wants sex.

Was it an all of a sudden switch up? How long has this been going on? How does she act around other people? Check her phone.. Not saying she's going behind your back, but the bread crumbs are there or she's just not into you like that anymore and you have a decision to make.

The amount of men on this thread validating you while crying about how it's the woman's fault that they suck at being a partner, are likely terrible in bed because they don't get any, and don't understand why is fucking embarrassing and cringy.

Men are the problem. Sorry not sorry.

God I resonate with this. I love my boyfriend and we've been together 4 years but he has zero sex drive with me. It makes me feel so unwanted. I literally ALWAYS have to initiate it. Yet I know he has to be honey because he's had porn sites pop up on his laptop before. It makes me feel terrible. I've tried mentioning it to him which he states he would change but hasn't. He maybe initiated it a few times after the fact. I don't know how many times I need to bring this up. I'm not even asking for much. I just want sex like twice a week. If I don't initiate it we probably would never have sex. We've gone weeks without sex before because he always seems to have a reason to not be in the mood. If he's tired, it's a work night or he's stressed it won't happen. I feel so defeated because I love him so much. I just don't know how to approach this again

The chemistry isn't right start looking for a new woman. Break up.

Maybe she just doesn’t really enjoy having sex in general? Maybe she hasn’t really find what she likes? If she’s open, it could be worth exploring.

Does she still cuddle and show you some affection?

Ok. Multiple people have asked howany times a week are you asking her for sex. If you don't wanna answer the questions then you don't wanna fix yourself. Soo how many times are you bugging her for sex in let's say a week?

Bit strange that sex is always requested. Sex imo should come naturally, maybe i’m wrong.

I guess you prob need to sit down and talk to her about this, is she comfortable having sex with you? Maybe there is something that she doesn’t like?

Many things can be cleared up by simply talking to one another.

Do you have physical closeness outside of the bedroom? Because if you're actually touching each other frequently you don't need someone to initiate, it just kinda happens. I remember going through a dry patch and feeling unwanted after buying a large sofa, turns out we just weren't sat in smooching distance anymore.

How long have you been together? I've been married for several years, and this is something I've struggled with for a myriad of reasons. -I have endometriosis, and sex has been extremely painful, as in "hit the wrong spot and I will pass out" bad. I've had surgery to treat it, but my brain hasn't learned to not worry about pain and to let go. -To control my estrogen-dominance from the endometriosis, I have been on very high doses of birth control for years. I just decreased my dose because I can't fucking do it anymore, and it's a whole new world for me. My job is less stressful. My dogs are less annoying. My husband is less annoying. True crime has started to become annoying. And I have felt horny for the first time in probably 3-4 years. That is a super common side effect of hormonal birth control. -I was raised Mormon, and after participating in the Exmormon community for a while now, I've figured out that sexual hangouts are super normal. The chances of that specific scenario being the case isn't high, but it's also possible she was raised to associate sex with shame and hasn't unpacked that yet.

My advice would be to remember that your girlfriend might be struggling and approved her from a standpoint of "how can I help you?" versus "I need sex, why won't you give it to me?" I know a few women who have gone with out sex for a while for medical reasons and their guy complains to them about "what about me?" it real hurts because it begs the question "but what about ME? And the stuff I'M going through?" My husband has been pretty patient with me, but one time he did pop off and say "why won't you make sex a priority in our marriage?" and it fucking hurt because it just made me feel like all the pain in the world couldn't matter to him because all he cared about was my vagina, and I cried about it for days.

Edit to add: My first thought regarding her saying "I'm sorry I'll try to be better" is that she's well aware she isn't initiating enough, wants to initiate more, can't bring herself to initiate for some reason, and already feels bad and inadequate about it. That's at least how I've felt when I've said similar, but I could be wrong.

Girlfriend just might have a low sex drive or she might feel she might get pregnant to much sex and she not ready to have kids. so much could be going on with her, mind body & soul. Ask her why she never initiates sex. Then you'll will know

Your not compatible. Libido matching is just as important as trust and respect.

Wait until you get married

Have you tried going down on her a lot? That may make her want to have sex more if you initiate it with that

Your sex drives don't match. That's totally normal, humans are different. It's something you cannot change. If you grow older and hormone levels change, who know what happens then, but in the forseable future, you both will not align. I had to learn that the hard way.

Accept it and live with it or move on. Just don't put pressure on her or make her feel bad. Even though mass media tells us otherwise, it's totally normal to not want sex AND be in a relationship.

Low sex drive and it gets worse with age. Does she have kids already? If she does then it’s never getting better. Good Luck

Run now . If you get married it will get 100% worse. Sex is the main reason for lots of separations if she’s that type you and her won’t work out as it’s already as issue for you

she is NOT sexually attracted to you bro,woman that truly loves you and desires you,would ask you for sex

Maybe you should ask your girlfriend instead of asking reddit?

Dump her, too much bullshit and you’re not even married to her (equals even less sex)

I’ve been married 15 years and this has been my biggest struggle. Despite being one of the best humans on earth, I really don’t think my wife is wired that way.

It’s left me feeling undesirable, unattractive, and unworthy. I’ve brought it up over and over through the years. There will be short term improvements then regression every time. It’s built a lot of resentment.

I considered divorce but who can divorce an amazing person even if you feel like best friend roommates?

I’ve had fantasies of cheating on her out of desperation to feel wanted. Again though I can’t stand the thought of hurting her.

I say all this to say you are early in your relationship. Most people won’t change much from their baseline and it’s probably not fair to push them to.

Discuss this at length with her being completely honest about how you feel. Consider reading some books and seeing a therapist together. And then decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

I would be considering a breakup. You want sex and she doesn’t seem that into. Trust me that it is probably best to move on.

She’s not that interested in you 

Ok so, sorry to say this but if you have to ask her for it she's not as into you as she used to be. When you aren't having sex, if you've rocked her world the last time, trust me it won't be that hard to get her to do it again. If things are stale and boring or at least status quo, you may have a problem. This doesn't mean you have to be a rockstar every time but if it's been going on like this for a while you should examine what you're doing before you lose her.

All these people talking about how you should express yourself more and explain how you like her to initiate more and all this kind of stuf. Who knows maybe you'll bring all that up and she'll say you know what it just isn't worth this much effort to me and so let's break up and blow you out of the water....

OP go over to the dead bedroom reddit and see what people who have lived this life are saying. All the labels that people are throwing out are good if we humans were robots, but the truth is, we are not.

Don't get yourself locked up in a relationship that's not going to be meaningful to you in this department and over the long term you end up a miserable old man angry at the world because you did not get out when you needed.

Being incompatible is OK! Hard Stop!!!! Not everyone has the same desire or needs. You know what yours are and you know who she is.

Go read and figure out if you want to live this life!

Whatever you do, DO NOT get her pregnant before you figure this out!!!

Instead of posting it here you need to sit with her and express your desires

Drop her before you get her pregnant and end up on r/deadbedroom

Intimacy is more important to you than her. There could be a long list of reasons why she doesn't initiate which you may or may not have anything to do with.

Do not sacrifice the things you need in a relationship.

It's such a basic level of compatibility you may want to ask yourself if you're happy in this relationship. Libido comes and goes with time but if your baseline isn't matched, you're heading down a long, resentful path full of "personal" time.

Be honest with your lady, and most importantly, yourself.

Be well and get yours.

What is this sex?

She’s not attracted to you. If she was at your age then you would know

At least she has sex with you. Most men get turned down even if they are the only one asking. Which should also show you if there’s a problem it’s something she’s willing to work on. You just have to figure out what that is. Good luck buddy🤙

It might get better but it is potentially only going to get worse…she says yes now but, soon it’ll be not tonight, then no on a regular basis…then a sexless relationship. Some people just have a low sex drive and as they get older it drops. Very rarely does a woman’s sec drive increase after 30

You've been cast as a provider. Welcome to the plantation.

lol @ dating an older woman

I think you two are either sexually incompatible or she has control issues.

I mean, there needs to be consent in sex of course but if you always have to ask and initiate and she never takes the initiative it feels like there is a key element of the relational chemistry missing.

Oh man. Most of the comments are pure shit. You two had sex when she wanted you. Now she has you, so that's it. So, she might love you and she wants kids then sex is back on the table. After the kids THEN there is no more sex, like only on your bday. Fucking 'talk to her' blabla bs.... Women don't know anymore that men want sex all the time? We are all pigs, don't you remember anymore? Dude you can live with it or look for another one, some women have a higher libido, just like some men that like to cry after a good talk.... very exotic. Good luck my man.

Your girlfriend initiates sex, just not with you. Your story isn’t new. Any woman that has to be begged or pleaded with to share her box really doesn’t like sharing or giving it to you. She may tolerate you being around, like a cute puppy dog or a play thing but trust me when I tell you she’d get naked immediately for the right man without him asking.

Just her giving 🥰. Life lesson, find a woman that’s really into you and that’s not wasting your time by taking up space. Some women just want to have a boyfriend so they don’t feel like an unwanted loser, but that doesn’t mean they really want to be a committed loving girlfriend either. She’s just bored and you fill up space.

If you really want this girl then take her best friend, close friend or coworker to bed. She’ll get the message that not initiating things can cost friendships, and I doubt she’d break up with you because you had the balls to do such a bold thing. To do something she couldn’t control or be bored with. She’d get angry enough to fk you bro 😎, without asking. Thank me later.

People are different. I do think you should find a girlfriend better able to please you sexually.

Thank you for the advice!

I understand. My gf let's me know she wants by signs but still expects me to initiate

I think you should be with someone else if who she is is not making you happy.

Don't give me the "yes but everything else is great"

If something that is important to you requires them to be someone they aren't... you aren't with the right person.

Orrrrr...... just be unhappy your whole life. And guilt them which will ultimately make her unhappy for her whole life.

you probably dont help enough with the housework to get her feelin saucy. i know both my ex wives would get all over me the second theyd hear that dishwasher running.

You should have a deep and open conversation about your desires, your expectations, your intimacy, sex. You should also talk about your past experiences, especially hers. Maybe she was the victim of an assault and that caused trauma. Perhaps his exes make her experience sex as a burden, a torture. It can also be a medical problem . To know what to do you must first know the cause.

Are both people having a good time during sex? Sometimes when one person isn’t that can happen. Also sometimes when people aren’t experiencing enough emotional intimacy, It may lead to this too. It could also be stress, poor self image, physiological stuff, judgement from others, maybe they get constant UTI s. You need to talk to her. It can be a million things. When you do talk remember to be compassionate and open.

Have you asked her if sex is even something she thinks about? Some people don't think of sex and it isn't necessary for them. Also is she on birth control because that can really impact sex drive, not that I'm saying get off birth control, it's just something that needs to be worked around. I stopped initiating sex with my partner when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship, but it wasn't something that I even noticed I'd done I just knew he wasn't meeting my needs. Neither of us were getting our needs met, when I approached him about it he would often say oh well initiate sex with me more and I'll feel like doing and a ting how you want, but I was like do and behave like this with me and I'll want to have sex. When I did try to initiate sex regularly so that he would start meeting my needs he never stepped up so I'd stop trying again because why should I not her my needs met when he is. I feel like the problem with your girlfriend is likely a similar situation, ask her what you're not doing that could be impacting her sexual desire for you.

This post really speaks to me.

My wife is similar and it hasn’t changed much in over 20 years. There are times when it’s a bit better and times when it’s worse, especially when kids were younger. It’s been an area of frustration for a long time. On average, I probably initiate 9/10 times. Maybe 3/10 she’ll want to climax. She has referred to herself as a “sex camel” in such that she can go weeks without needing it. If we didn’t get along so well in other areas of our lives, it might have been a dealbreaker at some point. I’ve even gone to sex therapists to try to deal with our libido differences. I’d love to say “we”, but she wasn’t interested in going. We’ve even introduced kink which she allows me to see others for as long as I follow her rules for what’s okay. That’s a credit to her being very understanding of our differences and compromising. The reality is that while people do sometimes change over time, you shouldn’t expect her to. Is that okay? Only you can answer that.

Maybe if she is not in the mood for her she could give you a surprise BJ a couple times a week and you could go down on her every now and then and see where that leads

This is a common issue as relationships get comfortable. If it’s a problem now, it’ll be a bigger issue if you were to marry this person.

Ask around with your friends, most women in long term relationships are not going to initiate sex on a regular basis. you need to find the middle ground of what’s acceptable in a partner.