Sometimes I wake up & realize my reality. The moment it sinks in, I just want to cry. It’s been almost 2 years since my son was born and despite me loving him so much, the regret still drowns me. What would I be doing right now. What would be of me? How would life be? I have suffered so much mentally, financially etc. since his birth. Before him, I was already mentally unstable but this is way worse. I was at least financially stable & was able to work and work and just come home to relax. Now it’s always go time.

I’m broke now. Always depending mostly on his dad. I hate his dad but can’t seem to leave him cuz I’m afraid of doing things alone even tho he treats me like shit. Most days I want to kill myself but I don’t want no one raising my son but me cuz even tho I regret becoming a mom, I know no one would raise him better than me. It is a war in my head & heart and I can’t seem to get some rest. Sometimes I look at my gallery before I was pregnant and I cry. I miss her and I miss her life. I miss just being spontaneous.

I was also about to leave his dad but I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to leave him and heal and start over. I just seriously believe I’m never going to be happy. I haven’t felt happy in so long. I haven’t felt purpose in so long.

What kind life is this :( I’m severely depressed and panic attacks are way worse. The day I gave birth to my son I died. There’s like so many things wrong with me. Everyday that I wake up I’m just like fuck. I miss care free me.

I feel so overwhelmed all the time. I love my son but this is just too much for my brain. I don’t know how people have multiple kids. This is all so much all time.