Nmom is threatening to take over my bank account, do I have any recourse

[Advice Request]

I am 34 years old and live in Canada, and currently can't afford a lawyer. My mother has frequently threatened to have me declared legally incompetent and take over my finances and other important official aspects of my life, usually when I try to assert some kind of independence or annoy her somehow (I am disabled both physically, due to a back and knee injury, and mentally, due to severe depression and anxiety- guess where from!) She let it go for a while, but recently due to some mess-up with shipping an order I made earlier this year I discovered I've lost $400 I can't get back, and she found out and started making ominous comments about "letting" me remain in charge of my own bank account if I could "prove I'm responsible enough." Is there anything I can do to protect myself in advance of her acting? Hopefully something I can do without her finding out, because if she thinks I'm trying to stop her it will get much worse.

in raisedbynarcissistsby TheGladdestHatter

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PracticalSolution352

Please look into local resources and look for pro-bono lawyers. Also, if you have access, move your money to a different bank. You do not have to close the bank account. You can just leave the bare minimum.

gc1

Agree and suggest you do this very proactively rather than waiting for her to make good on her threats. You're an adult and entitled to financial emancipation from your parents. But, if you're disabled and have a history of mental treatment, she's got lots of things she can spin a narrative around if you let her get the initiative with your local authorities.

Are you dependent on her for your tasks of daily living? If so, that's a second axis of negotiation. I would be looking for alternative resources, whether family or public assistance or whatever, so you can get out from under her thumb and not have her torture you every time you need groceries or other basic necessities.

TheGladdestHatter

Not totally dependent for everything, but she and edad own the apartment I live in; no one else in the area would rent anything this cheaply. I'm absolutely aware this is another tactic to keep control, and am trying to make alternate arrangements, but the waiting list for low income housing is absurdly long so I need to play nice until my number comes up there.

TheGladdestHatter

Oh that's a good idea, thank you - I'll look into that asap

the_simurgh

Its harder than you think to have someone declared incompetent. You can in fact report her to various agencies for abusing you especially if you have been formally declared as disabled.

f you report her for financial abuse they will handle this.

TheGladdestHatter

Thank you, my impression had been that those agencies only handled child abuse cases but I'll have to look into someone who would handle an adult case. It's possible I have a bit of a distorted idea of the reality of the threat because she followed through on it with her own mother several years before the latter died.

the_simurgh

Disabled adults need help too ya know

Suspicious_Buddy2141

Download a voice recording app and record her threats and inadequate behaviour. Keep the record of all of the abuse, like a diary on your phone or smth. Just write a date and what happened. If she drinks or uses substances, take pics of empty bottles and such, and maybe even take pics of her drinking or using (she shouldn’t see u doing that). Think who else knows that she’s inadequate and could back u up. If there’s no witnesses to her unhinged behaviour, let there be witnesses. For example, when you’re with your friends or colleagues, put her on speaker, tell her that you’re alone, and let her show her true colors.

TheGladdestHatter

There's no substance abuse, and she's extremely good at keeping her threats plausibly subtle and hiding things from anyone she doesn't know would take her side. I could try a voice recording app, but I'm extremely socially isolated in person and don't know anyone who would be willing and able to serve as a witness.

Suspicious_Buddy2141

Even if they’re subtle, they’re still threats, especially if she repeats them over and over. Either way, it’s better to have some kind of proof at your disposal, than no proof at all. Anyone can be a witness, potentially. A neighbor, a librarian, a cashier at a store u go to.

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TheGladdestHatter

Sadly no, anyone I would trust enough lives in at the very least other countries, if not on the other side of the world.

Monarc73

This looks like a good place to start.

Are you getting the Canada Disability Savings Bond?

You also have tons of rights.

crmom22

I am Canadian, not a lawyer or healthcare worker. As far as I know she has no grounds to declare you incompetent. Disability and depression do not equal incompetence. Dementia yes. Even that is difficult to prove. She has no grounds. People make mistakes.

star_b_nettor

https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/cj-jp/fv-vf/elder-aines/def/p211.html

Hopefully the mods let the link stay up. It's about disabled and elderly in Canada and what constitutes abuse or neglect.

I am not Canadian, so things could easily be different. In your situation, I would start by changing banks. Not just get a new account at the same bank, but a whole different bank. Leave the minimum in it to keep the original account open, but move everything else to a new account at a new bank. I would then be contacting my doctors about getting written proof that while, yes, I am disabled (I am not, I am using "I" as a what I would do in your situation) that I am not incompetent nor incapable of caring for myself and that I am compliant with medical treatment that I seek. I would also be looking for a lawyer/barrister (not sure what you call them) who takes on cases pro bono.

Many air hugs and hopes that you can get your life to being yours.

silicatetacos

Move the money to a secret account and tell no one. Banks often provide help for people in abusive situations and your best bet is to either make a different account with the same bank or find another one. You are an adult and I imagine Canada has laws about handling your own money. I'd also dispute the charge, but since you know your own situation, you have more of an idea than I do.