That’s easy, John E Depth. Or better yet Lexington Steele or just Lex Steele for short. Dread is nice, Ricky Johnson, Isiah Maxwell, or maybe Rob Piper.
“It’s the log” after the long standing meme/ theory that Komala is actually the log. Evidence: it’s shiny form changes the log color, in the unused walking animation the log rocks back and forth as it moves, and it never wakes up. Why? Because it’s a log.
“Worthless bastard” how about “Niantic”?