Parenting Teens

My 18 year old son has a girlfriend. She is also a high school senior, although they attend different high schools. I have many concerns about her, but I need my son to understand that it is not just a me as his mom issue, but to see that other people recognize these as red flags also.

-when they have a disagreement, he tries to talk it out. She goes no contact. Worse, she will text him then call him to make sure he got the text, but refused to speak to him when he answers the phone.

-she gets angry when he doesn’t buy her a gift but doesn’t buy him anything in return (I.e., Valentines Day)

-tonight is prom at her school. Because of a variety of issues (including her, not naming the florist they were supposed to get their matching flowers from) he was unable to get her a corsage. When he told her this, she canceled his boutonniere. I tried to help him out and found a last minute corsage. She then got furious with him, because he was going to show up with flowers, and she had nothing.

Then I find out they are not going to prom because she forgot to buy tickets. 😡 I wouldn’t have hunted down flowers had I known that but too late now.

• I gifted him money for the evening so he could eat at the restaurant before Prom. He told me before and texted me from the restaurant that he didn’t like the menu items and what he really wanted was a burger. He spent his dinner money on her meal. (His choice, but he swore to me she wasn’t going to touch his money.)

-here is the part that makes me 🤬 they borrowed a car from her parents to go to dinner. He just texted me that they were “on the way to the dance.”

Me: I’m confused, she didn’t buy tickets. Don’t do anything that will put your enlistment at risk. Him: no, she didn’t get ME a ticket, I’m just going to drop her off and hang out with her parents.

What the actual fuck?!

I replied that I hate this for him. He is acting as her chauffeur, bought her dinner, and then she’s gonna go and hang with her friends at prom and leave him sitting at home. THIS IS SO WRONG.

He deserves better than this. I drew my line in the sand “I am done helping you see her, be around her, or do anything that involves her. I cannot support someone who regularly abuses kid.”

Do you see 🚩🚩🚩🚩or is it just me?

My daughter will be 16 in 2 months. We are having a difference of opinion about her bringing her boyfriend over. I I'm just wondering if you guys would tell me what your thoughts are on boys over in the bedroom, door open or closed, do you let them lay on the bed and kiss and stuff? I'm feeling very uncomfortable with all of this.

My 17 year old son just approached me and said he’s been experiencing anxiety. He dealt with it when he was in elementary school but has said he doesn’t remember dealing with it. He also indicated that he feels a little depressed but not to a point of harming himself. About a month ago he was sleeping over at a friends house and texted me to come get him. It turned out he had experimented with mushrooms for the first time and was having paranoia and other issues with his mind. I wonder if the feelings he is having now could be connected to that? I plan on calling the doctor and getting him in to see someone, but was curious if anyone had any experience similar? I’m so worried about him.

I’m interested in knowing what you all think is the average allowance amount for a 14yo that does not do chores? (We don’t require them to. If they want to they get paid more.) he’s been getting $5 a week for the past few years and that has been fine but he’s getting older and I’m not sure if I should be giving him more or not. (His dad is not involved. It’s just me, my parents, him & his older sister.)

My 16 yr old is finishing their junior year in high school. They are involved in a certain performing art that is very niche and specific and it’s become their whole focus. For our purposes here, let’s say it’s puppeteering (it’s not, but it’s equally obscure with no place in modern culture). Their particular public school randomly has an exceptional puppeering troup, nationally recognized and my child jumped in freshman year. My child is one of the best puppeteers on the troup and will likely make captain for senior year - their teenage dream. Our problem is they loaf their way through classes. Earning grades of C and D. Earning whatever they can with the most minimal investment and currently sitting with 20+ assignments unstarted and a single week left in school. Their only care is puppeteering. I’m annoyed because if puppeteering were a sport, they couldn’t make the team with such little academic effort, but because it’s an art, there are no academic standards. What’s my move here? I’m tired of hearing lies about the assignments. We’ve threatened to take away puppeteering but we know how much it’s loved and they say if we take away the puppeteering they will be depressed. They don’t care about driving, or time with friends, or screen time, so there is no other currency. Also we’ve saved for college but aren’t willing to send our puppeteer when they haven’t proven they have any plan and don’t show interest in college or career goals. What do you advise?

My daughter is bright, hard working, accomplished and fully dedicated to being “not like other girls”. She’s pansexual, not an issue in our house, but I think some of her attitude comes from this identity. She struggles to keep friends, though she makes them easily. She’s not mean, rather, often she can be rather needy, or so outwardly worshipful of friends, they are exhausted by her. She was just complaining that she doesn’t believe she will make friends in college because high school has had its ups and downs. Golly I feel awful writing this, because she is so awesome, and I know if she had more self esteem and confidence she wouldn’t feel so socially out of sync. Any advice? Other than Catholic high school in a small land locked city isn’t going to contain your tribe?

My son graduates in two weeks and I still haven’t got his gift. I want to do something creative and memorable but I am so NOT creative and I’m running out of time. Please help?

His college major is music education and he’s a percussionist.

My son just turned 14 and during his well visit his pediatrician told him he must take vitamins. Which he actually wants to do! He told me he wants vitamins! My husband went to the visit with him and didn’t follow up with the which vitamins and what brand questions. Before I make a phone call that most likely won’t be returned for weeks, I thought I’d ask you all for your opinions. Please- help a momma out?

Upon the advice from a psychologist we are holding our 17 year old accountable for his daily responsibilities and his mannerisms around being respectfully to everyone. We are following through with appropriate consequences consistently.

This change in our behavior is causing a rift in our relationship with our son. I tell him every single day of his life that he is loved.

I need idea's of ACTS of kindness to show him that we care. It CAN NOT be chore related like making his school lunch.

I have left him notes in his lunch but that just embarrassed him with kids at school. Please any ideas, small are better so I can do a bunch.

I’m a 46 year old mom to a 16 year old daughter. She is a great kid, with excellent grades and no behavior issues at school or home.

She goes to a large pubic high school, and many of her friends have much more unstable home lives than she does. I’m happy that we can offer them a bit of love and stability when they are with us.

My issue is that her friends, including her boyfriend, are never allowed to do normal teenaged things. They aren’t allowed to hang out at the mall, go out to eat, go to the local arcade, etc. My daughter tries to arrange activities but no one can ever go. I even offer to provide rides and pay, but still nothing. They all just sit at home on screens. If her boyfriend comes over or she goes to his house, they just watch movies. They never go out.

I feel like my daughter is missing out on being a teen because she feels loyal to this group. It’s so frustrating to see her sit at home, bored, day after day. She is depressed and spends a good deal of time sleeping. A more active social life would benefit her so much.

Parents of Reddit, have you noticed this with your teens? Am I wrong to want her to learn to socialize and be in the world before she goes to college? How would you handle this?

I’m at a loss.

We are having some some pretty major issues with our 13yo with disrespect, disobedience, problems at school, etc. However, we are also struggling with how to discipline this behavior because 1)nothing seems to phase him and/or it only makes him angrier and 2)he has struggled with depression for the last three years that has now become suicidal ideations. Yes we have been and are getting him help, and no the mental health struggles are not attention seeking.

We are at a loss and feel completely helpless all the way around trying to parent him....any advice would be well appreciated!

Daughter is 15 and all her friends parents allow their boyfriends to come to their houses for sleepovers in the same room/ bed. I checked with other mum friends outside this particular group - also allow boyfriends to sleepover. Am I old fashioned or what - 15 seems a bit young to me to be having your boyfriend staying over? My daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for 6 months, she’s 16 in July, I get on very well with my daughter and I get on well too with her boyfriend who is lovely. Daughter is already on contraceptives due to heavy periods. Advice needed!

I (48f) have a 14f child who is dating a boy that I’m noticing a lot of red flags that are indicative of emotional abuse. I’m a survivor so I’m pretty hyper aware. His latest stunts have included telling her that he doesn’t want to come to our house after I instituted a rule that for every time she goes to his house, he has to come to ours. She told him this rule and now all of the sudden we make him uncomfortable. Mind you, yesterday he was begging to come over and we said no because she’s sick and we don’t share the plague.

I had a conversation with her best friend’s mom today because her house is where the kids tend to hang out. She told me he isolates her a lot while they are all hanging out. I told her she has my permission to put an end to that. She then told me that when all the girls had a sleepover last Thursday, he kept begging her to let him stay over too. She told him no, it was just the girls. He replied “well I’m like one of the girls” and when she told him no AGAIN, he finally gave up. But then she told me later that evening my daughter was on the phone with him all night and the other friends were frustrated. So I asked my kiddo about it. She said how he told her he was having suicidal thoughts and NEEDED to talk to her. More red flags! I told her that isn’t her responsibility and if he pulls that again, she needs to tell an adult immediately to call his bluff.

He also demands she let him go through her phone and tries to dictate who sh can be friend with.

I’m at my wits end. I know forbidding them from seeing each other isn’t the answer. But we are considering telling them they can see each other at school all they want, but she can’t go to his house and he’s not allowed at ours.

Any advice? I know my emotions are heightened because his behaviors are similar to her bio dad’s abusive tactics.

UPDATE: My son just came in the door with a 'Hey Dad, remember those a-holes that were spraying Axe deodorant on the bus?"

He reeked of the stuff. 'Uh, yeah?'

He showed me the can he had ripped out of the other kids' hands. He's quite proud of himself.

Original Below:

Came home to find my 12 y/o telling me she was hit by an apple on the school bus. Her older brother (15 y/o) saw that it was a group of kids a few years younger than him and told the group to cut it out.

They sprayed him with axe body spray after he turned back around and he wasn't able to determine which one did it. Of course, the bus driver was busy watching the road. Both of them were sprayed again when they got off the bus.

Obviously, I can't tell him to start throwing punches. Telling the teacher doesn't do anything if he can't identify which kid it was, and it didn't happen on school property. Telling the bus driver won't yield any results as the driver is different every day and didn't see the incident.

I'd like a solution as I'm washing the smell off their backpacks and jackets.

So my son is 17, about to be 18, only child. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional family and have tried my best to break the cycle. In a lot of ways, I think I have. He is graduating with a 3.78gpa and distinction, has kept a job since 14, has driven and has kept a clean driving record since he turned 15, never gets in trouble at school, keeps curfew BUT..
He is very disrespectful in the way he treats me. He ignores most things I say, raises his voice at me, spends his money frivolously and then expects me to Venmo him whatever he needs, and I do because I feel like he is a great kid when it matters. But sometimes I wonder-when will I matter?
Some of the stuff he says to me is so hurtful and it doesn’t seem to phase him that I am hurt. How do I get his respect back?
Also, as far as money goes, do I just cut him off at 18? He makes enough to pay for the things he needs (his dad and I pay for his car, insurance and phone, he only has to pay for the extra stuff he needs but spends most of his money on fast food) I don’t want to have a 30something that still expects mom and dad to take care of him.. when do we stop?

Teen has ADD and has been hired as a sleepaway counselor at a camp. It was a camp that he had attended for a couple of years. It asks about Add/ADHD on medical form. Do I need to disclose? I am sure the Dr might naturally check it off on health form. Am I being paranoid that this might be an issue for them? Teen takes adderal only school days and never during the summer.

My (41m) son just turned 13 in February. His mother and I haven't been together since 2016. She has a new boyfriend and new son with said bf. He's a great guy and seems to treat my son well and have no issues there. He's a welder by trade and works in the off road industry, which of course interests my son, and he brings home lots of projects to work on in the garage. Last week he brought a mini bare bones ATV for them to work on (clean, restore, install engine, etc) and since then my son is obsessed with it to the point he's not sleeping, not wanting to come to my house, wanting to come home "sick" from school if he even makes it to school and skipping basketball practice for being "sick". All the while spending all his free time researching parts and stickers and all the above, pushing him to work on it during all of the bfs free time to the point of exhaustion. He was up at 630 this morning asking to start working on it after a big blow up about it last night. It's literally all he thinks about. He called me asking what he can do to get it back quicker since they took it away due to his attitude. Upon me telling him to stop asking about it and change his attitude and the way he treats people he hung up on me. He literally can't focus on anything else. I don't know how to help him or what I can say to him that I haven't already said. He starting to severely strain relationships between everyone at his mom's house.

Just had a break down crying conversation with my 15 yo daughter. I know I am always suspicious/paranoid/scared with her because I was using drugs & having sex at 14. My daughter has been confused and hurt by me. We had a terrible argument this weekend because she wanted to stay the night at her 17 yo boyfriend’s house, and I was not ok with it. That’s still a boundary for me but I did not handle it well. So I apologized and agreed that it’s not right that I do this. And that she’s a better kid than I was, and I am so proud of her.

My frame of reference is totally fucked because I went crazy from 14-15. Then went to rehab, and got clean just before I turned 16. Haven’t used drugs or drank alcohol since then because I’ve been recovering in a 12-step program. So I did not have a normal teenage & young adult life. I went balls to the wall early, then completely quit. These are extremes. Opposites. I don’t know how to picture a normal path of growing up. Let me know if you’ve got any advice here. It’s going to be so weird when/if she starts drinking alcohol socially & responsibly. I know only siths deal in absolutes, so having a drink or trying a drug one time doesn’t mean a path of hitting rock bottom, but my mind wants to go there.

How are you handling letting go? Trusting that your teenager will make good decisions when you made all the wrong ones at that age?

My son is a good kid. He’s a good person. He has a teenage job and works hard there. He’s considered a good employee.

His mom and I divorced when he was very little. By the time he was four we his mom and I lived apart. I have been as involved as possible and spoke to him on the phone every day w out a miss until a few months ago now that he’s 18. The relationship between his mom and I was problematic.

Fast forward. He’s weeks away from. Graduating HS. His grades have been in the decline. But this last year has been atrocious grades wise. I just received progress reports for this last quarter. He’s done absolutely no work at all.

He has 2 classes needs for graduation. And magically in these classes he has a C. I think the school is letting him pass just to not ruin their graduations percentage for their metrics. They are letting him fail upward.

I don’t know if I should keep my mouth shut and let him fail upward. Or should I press the school and ask them to fail him so he has to redo the grade? Don’t know if they will even listen to me. But.

Obviously, I want what’s best for my son. If he’s held back his self esteem would suffer. So would it be worth it. I know he needs a hard lesson here. But not sure if in the cost benefit being helps back would be worth it? Any opinions or help appreciated. Thanks.

Update: Him doing over the year is not an option. They don’t do that. The options are: 1. He graduates in time. 2. He goes to summer school to do only the classes he failed which were requirements to graduate.

This isn't new. We've been in this for a decade as he has had mental health challenges his entire life. With that said, it adds a new wrinkle when they can date, find girlfriends with mood disorders (who may even be suicidal) and they negatively influence one another.

In my son's case, he's 16 and moods come and go in waves. Sometimes the downward spirals cause him to send off flurries of texts to everyone he knows where he describes self-harm, running away, etc. It could be to anyone he knows, including teachers phone numbers, family members, etc. He doesn't really understand that its inappropriate to some people.

We've taken his phone away for periods of times, but it just repeats eventually when he gets it back and we want him to have it in case of an emergency. And, the phone is only one piece although I'm currently in a spot where I'm thinking a lot about what to do with the phone because he recently had an episode where he just ruined friendships, had the school call us, call the state, etc because of his blasting and so it's top of mind more than ever on what to do with it. So, I'll take any advice you may have there. I thought about even downloading one of the parental apps where I can lock it down and keep it "phone only" to reach us, and no more messaging to anyone for the next year?

He has this nasty habit of finding a girl who is as broken as he is and so they ride the highs and then influence each other with the lows. I can't fault him for trying to find someone who is like him, he probably couldn't click with someone who doesn't feel the lows. But, the catastrophic impacts to him when they have a low is insane. He dated a girl for over a year who would threaten to commit suicide if he didn't do exactly what she wanted. That was a rough time. Right now, he just broke up with one girl for another, and she moved, so now he's out of control again ... we have calls from school, a visit from a police officer to discuss related actions at school, state assigned therapist showing up, etc. Fun times.

Other than that, he does weekly therapy, he's been in inpatient treatment, etc and honestly, I think this is the best state he can be in as we've tried EVERYTHING. He's in band and martial arts to give him independence, social connections and self-confidence, but he's still bouncing off the walls sometimes.

Anyway, appreciate anything you have to give. Thank you

Bonus points if you have teenage girls!

How would you describe your teen’s friendships? Do they have tight knit groups with minimal drama? I think I need to remind myself that things are just so different compared to 20 years ago and what teen friendships looked like. My 15yo daughter has come to me tonight to tell me she’s having some issues with who she thought to be her closest friend. The issues relate to her intentionally excluding my daughter and a couple of their other friends from hangouts/group chats, now ignoring her at school, ignoring any attempts at communication from my daughter, etc. She also experienced a similar situation a few months into this current school year with another new friend (we moved last year and she started at a new school this year). I’ve absolutely considered the fact that my daughter is the common denominator, but she is the most mild-mannered, logical, inclusive kid (yes, she can be dramatic but when she’s her usual self she’s got a good head on her shoulders) so I really don’t know how it could be her.

Is this type of “fair weather” (for lack of better I guess?) friendship just the norm now? She had a smaller friend group at her previous school but they very rarely fought or had this level of drama (there’s plenty more I could share but we’ll be here all night). Is this just how things are now? Maybe this is just high school? I told her I’ve lost friendships in a similar manner before and sometimes it was just a season because someone was going through something, and a couple times, we just totally fell out of touch. I just want to make sure I’m being supportive without being intrusive or overstepping in any way.

My son(15m) is a great kid. Polite, helpful, and very bright. He was diagnosed with ADD in elementary school and has done therapy and is on medication. He struggles the most with time management, which means he’s always falling behind on his homework.

The real problem is, he’s started lying about it. And I don’t mean general lies or omissions, I mean I go over every assignment with him before he starts his homework and check with him later to confirm that all of his work has been finished and submitted. He lies to my face knowing full well that he's going to get caught when I check in with his teachers.

He’s apparently decided it’s better to lie and have more free time in the short term and deal with the consequences later. I have had many talks with him about how this strategy could fuck up his whole life. He seems to understand, he apologizes, and then he does it again.

I’ve grounded his electronics in the past and currently he’s on a no computer (except his school laptop for homework) and no video games restriction until he’s completely caught up on his missing assignments.

I was hoping that would motivate him to get it done as quickly as possible, but so far it doesn't seem to be working. Last night he spent two hours doing current homework for one class and then went to bed at 8pm.

If homework didn’t exist, he’d be an A student. He likes his school and his classes. His teachers tell me he’s great in class, he participates and understands the material. He’s a leader in an afterschool club.

I just don’t know what to do. He doesn’t argue with any of the consequences he's been given, he accepts responsibility and then does absolutely nothing to change. I don't know how to handle this.

I'm sick so my daughter said she would make supper for us. She said she was going to make us pasta with cheese. Unfortunately the pasta is not cooked and it's way too cheesy. I have to eat it though or she will be so hurt.

Down the hatch! 😂

My kiddo is turning sixteen next week and he has absolutely no opinion about anything from gifts to activities. He's said that he no longer likes cake which throws off my annual theme cake that I make for him. The only thing he really wants is money because he's saving app for things like a car. Totally fine doing that, but I want to make it creative somehow. Anybody have ideas on things I can both buy a sixteen year old boy who says he doesn't want anything and things I can do to make his day special even though he says he doesn't want to do anything?

My kid is going through a slimshady phase and I let him bleach his hair. His grandparents (not my parents) are up in arms over it. They're saying I'm not letting him be a kid, that he'll get bullied, that he will go down a bad road and all sorts of other crap. They never let their kids dress to express themselves and it didn't do anything to keep their son out of jail. He still made the choices to ruin his life. I was allowed to dress in my emo fashion and though I did grow out of it, my Ober all experience was positive. I loved looking different and the few people that were crappy about it, didn't bother me. I'd tell myself the choose to play it safe because they're so afraid about what everyone thinks. I have a healthy amount of self love and I think being able to express myself when I was young helped. My parents wanted me to be comfortable being myself so they never shamed me and only supported my physical appearance. I told my son if he gets good grade and behaves he can buy the hair dye with his allowance. So he did and as a supportive mother I dyed it for him. I want to know what your experience with expressing yourself through attire was and if it had a positive or negative impact. Any advice on how to handle my exinlaws would be great too. I'm so afraid they will be the bullies.