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There are tons of positive reasons why I’m a minimalist, but some of the more negative reasons concern me. Help?
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4mo
I can tell you that the mindset cannot be reached and held onto. You need to be present for it to endure. Learn to observe yourself without judgement, without analyzing, without trying to change what is. If you observe without a motive, it becomes possible to see each moment for what it actually is. You may notice you feel anxiety all day but you may also notice small glimpses of that "at home" feeling in certain specific moments. It might be before your conscious thought right when you open your eyes or when playing sports, making love or looking at the vast ocean/sunset. Moments like these all have something in common: we are not conscious of ourselves on the level of thought, we're not thinking about ourselves. That "at home" feeling may be behind and being blocked by the thought "I should feel at home".
Edit: This observation isn't a side thing. You need to have a burning passion to observe without motive all the time to see the "at home" feeling grow from those activities into your daily life. As J. Krishnamurti would say - Be a light to yourself.
I'm so glad you had the courage to write this as it's properly a really common theme in minimalism/mental health generally.
I don't have advice because I feel the same, especially your third point. I'm disabled and will be moving into a group home soon (living with parents currently) and I've been trying to get rid of everything now because it's less painful than to have it removed by force (either destroyed somehow or stolen). I won't be allowed to have much in the group home anyway but it's really hard because I'm autistic and very emotionally attached to my stuff. I've got my personal/sentimental things down to one small bookcase currently but it's still too much. I just gave two large boxes of my favorite things away to friends and it broke my heart, but at least I know they'll take care of it so it's less painful at least.
Sounds like a trauma response where you simply reject the concept of home, possibly because you felt unsafe in the home you grew up in? If that's the case, you'll need to do a bit of mental gymnastics to remind yourself your current home isn't the home where the trauma happened.
If that's not the case, embrace the fact you have a roof above your head, enough things you own to live well, and that you're at a time in your life where you are safe. Maybe you just need to learn to live in the moment a bit more.
I have these exact feelings. After 3 years of therapy it’s still there, albeit less loud.
Some of the fears are warranted. My landlord increased my rent annually and over 4 years I needed up paying 500 more a month which is insane.
But even when I bought a house I still felt it but more intensely. Not only could I lose the house I could also lose all that money I spent on it. At this point I realised that it had nothing to do with the situation and everything to do with my mind and inner world.
I hear Joshua Milburn of the minimalists talk about OCD once and googled it. A lightbulb went off.
A lot of these tendencies have their root in OCD.
Not the obsessive handwashing caricature of OCD but the less talked about symptoms like
- needing things to be orderly and balanced
- aggressive or horrific thoughts about losing control (in this case with a house)
- doubting and having a hard time dealing with uncertainty
The solution is to talk about it and start writing down when you feel like this. It’s important to try and uncover the root cause. For me it was the cliche growing up in a chaotic household where I had no control, stability or personal agency.
Friend, you just opened my eyes, a bit. I feel this, so much, and have always felt this. I've suffered financial abuse, since I was very young, by one person, or another, which has caused me to have to start over, in life, at 49yrs old (long story, short). But I identify, sooo much, with the 3 points that you've highlighted, here. Thank you for your comment. 🙏🥹
There seem to be two different perspectives in the comments. The first is encouraging you to embrace the feeling that your house is not a home, the other is giving some suggestions on how to challenge this perspective.
It seems like you're having trouble being ambivilant and you want your house to be a home, it sounds like youre wanting to challenge your current thought processes because you dont like how they effect you. Like you said therapy is a great way to do that but in the mean time you could try decorating with easily replacable things. Get photos printed of images you have digital copies of to hang on your walls, find prints of famous art pieces that you connect with (but can rebuy or print if your current one gets damaged). Buy a fun set of cutlery that isnt particularly expensive or hard to find. Get some bed sheets that make you happy but again aren't one of a kind handmade items.
One thing about minimalism that doesnt get brought up as much is that, by minimizing whats in your life, youre able to be more intentional about what you want to bring in. This means you can buy nicer or more eccentric items that will make your space feel like yours.
Furthermore bring people over to your place and spend time creating good memories in your house. Someone is bound to ask about the art or the type of pillows you bought for your chair/couch. You can make memories and grow found of things through other people and the conversations you have with others. If youre able to do that with easily replacable items then youre able to build a home without fear of things being lost (since, again, you can just buy a new print or fun pillow if it gets damaged or lost).
It might sound like a big step but its a good way to challenge your current mentality.
This might be a little too philosophical, but life is a road to death. Identities -- like Home, Mine, Me -- are by their nature transient. "To be" is a verb, therefore to be at home is an action, not a state.
Many people drive themselves nuts chasing some sort of quasi-stable security (which is obtainable, but only to a limited extent and will rarely be the same twice.). The reason I love minimalism is it invites us to see what serves our process of being versus piling up clutter we might find valuable.
To get specific about some practices that helped me:
-- I've done a lot of decorating with things I made myself. Printed my own posters, put my own drawings or photos on the wall. All cheap frames with the idea I could pack them or the pictures easily (or for the simple stuff, make new ones in the new place) but it gives the space more "me" energy.
-- I tailor (and this is an ongoing process that I'm still dialing in) the amount of stuff I obtain to how long I plan to stay. I still wish I had less stuff when I was dealing with an apartment or college, but it sounds like you're on top of that. Now that I'm in bigger places I wish I would have gotten proper furniture more quickly. But we're dialing it in. Again, a process.
-- I feel most relaxed when I'm creative. That's easy to do with an easel and a sketchbook/pad or a guitar and a laptop etc. Not hard to make a studio portable (also one more way to get things you don't need, so it's a double-edged sword. But there are plenty of ways to explore with a .50c can of acrylic paint and a brush, so long as you're careful with your purchases). The idea isn't really to create anything classically "good," just to afford yourself the possibility of exploring
Hope that helps
beautifully put -- thanks for writing this up
I relate a lot. When I lived abroad minimalism gave me a sense of security and I used it to medicate my anxiety about the unknown and feeling quite lonely. Deep down I wanted to have minimal belongings because that meant I could move away any time I chose and felt less trapped. Same for when I moved in with an ex-partner. I kept minimal belongings because deep down I felt that he was not meant for me, and I was one foot out of the door. I was throwing away perfectly fine things because of the anxiety.
I'm back in my home country now and I have realised that I love my stability and having a constant home (as much as possible with the fluidity of life!). My belongings are there and can sometimes pile up, but then I will declutter out of choice and because things are really worn down and not because "I won't be able to move away otherwise".
Others have already said most important stuff.
I do not have the same problems as you, so I can not REALLY relate.
But.
What I think prevents me even having these thoughts is investing. I am fairly frugal and I am able to save decent % of salary. Investing the excess into diversified ETFs means that I am building a buffer. Somebody could argue that investments can be taken away as well. But it’s quite a bit safer with proper multiple-factor authentication.
Good luck in finding your feeling of security.
It might be something childhood related - did you lose your possessions as a child or were you forced to move in a rush?
You already did the first step which is recognizing the thoughts. Next is comforting yourself when they show up. I recommend talking calmly to yourself and soothing like you would a child. The thoughts are probably a young part of you who was helpless at some point. You now have the ability to support and help heal the anxious child.
I don’t think my house is my home. I think it’s a place I’m living with my family where we enjoy much of our life and comforts. I think other people are more attached to their house/apartment/whatever a home than I am. I don’t think I need therapy, I think I don’t feel like I need to feel like I’m living in a ‘home’ as much as other people do. But I do enjoy meditating and I think that makes me feel much more grounded than if I don’t meditate—it helps me be very aware of my mind and my body and I think those things are much more of a ‘home’ than a house ever will be. And I know you know, but therapy. A lot of times these things feel a lot better simply being said out loud to another person. If you’re uncomfortable you deserve to have that changed, you deserve peace. Just in case you don’t know already, Please know that you’re worthy of therapy.
I know that I am to a certain extent afraid to spend money. It doesn't necessarily stop me, but definitely at times gives me anxiety. I over research all my purchases, to minimize a fear of regret. I know this stems from the slight poverty I was raised in and completing my college degree at the beginning of the recession. I was unemployed for four years. I wasn't homeless only because of my support network. The local temp agency turned me away.
I didn't have to move much, but I definitely lived in fear of losing everything. I mitigated my fears by trying to live in the smallest cheapest places I could find. I don't know if this good or bad. Every place I lived, even the most expensive one that was non smoking always had at least one person who broke the rules. I definitely saved money which helped me buy a fixer upper house, though at least one of the places I lived created more stress than good for the money saving.
I sometimes had to leave furniture behind that wouldn't fit in my new place, but since it was mostly used or free I didn't lose much financially in those moves. I also bought bookcases and a desk I could take apart and put back together.
A folding bookcase might be something to consider. A trestle desk, knock down/nomadic/modular furniture, a wooden futon instead of a couch. Or second hand furniture. I think there are ways to build a home, but feel okay about being a able to pack it yourself or be willing to leave or give away the stuff before moving. I used websites to get rid of things I couldn't move for free.
I also think hard about what I bring into my life. I found the konmari method of decluttering useful, in getting rid of things I had kept for no reason. Realizing I had enough clothes that I liked helped me save money. Having kitchen tools I like helps me save money buy cooking at home, making my own coffee at home. This saving and less waste helps my mental anxiety about money and security.
Besides therapy, one of the things you can do, is to actually get involved. If your concerned about affording rent, join a tenants union. If your concerned about affording food, volunteer at a food pantry. ( and maybe get some food yourself:)
That being said, as long as we are under a system that can strip you of your rights, that feeling will always be there, telling you that there's a line to toe, and some people have been toeing it for so long, they've forgotten that it's even there.
Honestly i'm just like you but i see your negatives reasons as positive ones !
I love knowing that once i've finished declutering i'll be able to pack things quickly and move away. Just with one full car of things, no need to ask for help, no need to rent a truck. This is so freeing.
I also share the "fear of taking away" but i see minimalism as a good way too. Having less things means to me that i'll be attached to less things, then i can protect them better and keep them. Whereas if i have too many things, they can be stolen or else easier.
For example, recently i had a flood in the garage, lost many things. If i had decluttered the garage before, i would have lost a fraction of what i lost.
I dont really understand why you would think of those reasons as negative ahah ! Good luck on your journey !
I started by hot-gluing stuff to the wall. It felt less permanent than other ways of decorating. Cheap things at first, too. It helped it feel like home while also soothing my need to not be at risk of stuff getting destroyed or taken.
Minimalism has been a solution for so many of my problems growing up and I feel like it has provided more benefit than years of therapy would have.
I grew up feeling less than human. Not worthless just worth less. This has stemmed to me feeling much more comfortable owning less.
There's also the aspect of anxiety/ADD relating to thinking ten steps ahead. Owning things feels like an obligation, the more I own the more I feel like I have to properly maintain everything. Looking at what adds value to my life and total cost of ownership on purchases has reduced a lot of anxiety, especially when it comes down to becoming more adaptable by owning less.
It's also allowed me to save money to allow for better security and less of a feeling that things will get taken away.
Maybe therapy would have benefits and I would have higher self worth / less anxiety around losing everything. Maybe these feelings are normal and it is okay to live a simple thought out intentional life.
I realized I shared a lot of these thoughts.
I've moved every year or two (and sometimes more often) my entire adult life due to the unstable rental market in my area. I don't have a sense of 'home' as a place, because I probably won't be there in a few months. For me, home is a place where I can close the door and be alone. I make the places I live more 'mine' by having a few statement pieces that make it easier to settle in- I have the strongest reaction to visual cues, so things like my rug, duvet set, and the pictures on my wall. None of those things are irreplaceable, but I can pack everything and be gone in an hour. I don't think you're alone in not feeling a sense of 'home'. As part of what is being called 'generation rent' in my country, a lot of people are in exactly the same position We just have to do the best we can.
I’ve always been really good at creating “home.” I had a rough childhood and was constantly creating safe spaces. When I married my husband it was the first time I witnessed a sort of housing insecurity. He grew up thinking they would lose the house and then moved out at a young age. He also spent a little bit of time homeless in his late teens.
He moved in with 2 boxes of items and a suitcase that took him 6 months to unpack. He also had a strong aversion to decorating. 2 things that have really helped him has been having photos up and taking an active role in decorating decisions or practical household purchases.
My tricks (I’ve moved A LOT): deep cleaning helps make me familiar with every nook and cranny in a new space. I don’t have a lot of decor, but what I do have, I’ve had since my first apartment; this helps make new spaces seem familiar. Area rugs are a huge part of that. When I move, getting things set up and unpacked in a comfortable way is a priority.
Hopefully this helps. As someone who has had to move a lot, I understand the aversion to collecting more things, but I strongly suggest investing in a couple of good area rugs that you love and putting out photos. Home isn’t dependent on the location or stability, it’s wherever you are with the items you do have.
You need meds please meet psychiatry
Knowing you have a problem doesn't mean you need meds, maybe therapy but even then you can learn to understand your needs with out it.
After having moved to many different apartments/houses, here are somethings we do to make us feel at home in our new place:
- We use the same fragrance oil (this is one of my guilty pleasures).
- We have 2 small paintings and 2 family photos that we immediately find a place to display in our new place.
- We use white linens regardless of our new bed frame/size (so we have this sense of continuity)
- Personally, I need to be able to do my hobbies inside my new place, I dedicate a space for that.
- We bring our old routines (date nights, movie nights) from our old place and incorporate new ones.
But having said that, I could never feel at ease in the workplace. To this day, I do not bring any personal effects to my office that cannot fit inside my bag. The images from the 2008 recession of people carrying boxes containing plants, pictures, notebooks, whatnot; then leaving their place of work after getting terminated made a lasting impression on me. I can totally relate with you in that sense.
I’m minimalist mainly because my parents are both hoarders (to varying degrees) and I learnt what a crap life it is surrounded by junk. Whether that’s a positive reason or negative reason is anyone’s guess, but it is what it is. That’s how I look at it.
I went through this kind of feeling (not as strong) when I graduated college. I had moved into a new place nearly every semester and had also traveled abroad for a year so my housing arrangements always changed. I now don’t really think of “home” as a place but a mental state. You need to make your body and this moment your home otherwise you’ll continue to look for the “home” feeling and feeling this way. We’re all just visitors anyway