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I've (un)fortunately been living like this for a few months now. No responsibilities, no job. Getting free money so I've been living carefree for a lil while and honestly it's not as good as you think it is.
The first few weeks is amazing with recovery. Then I started pursing my interests. And then I burned myself out of everything I used to enjoy and now im doom scrolling reddit and Netflix. I lost purpose for a few months
Currently recovering by setting up camping trips and a few vacations and scheduling myself and starting up school even though I really don't need to work or get another degree for pretty much the rest of my life. Having purpose is important in trying to keep yourself balanced.
Edit: some people are curious, so it was military benefits for some parts of my body and PTSD. I essentially have free college for 4 years, plus a stipend if I go to school that's rated for the cost of living in the area, and I get enough money to live comfortably every month. Non taxable.
Yeah, my wife currently is a stay at home wife while we're expecting our first born. Every day she wakes up when she wants, has the freedom to pursue what she wants (within reason of course..we're not rich).
Here's the thing, she is bored most days. She tells me she doesn't know what to do and is constantly searching for a hobby to partake in, which I try to happily support be it painting, clay sculpting, etc.
She tells me that she could just go to work in a part time job while she still active and has mobility. I tell her it's not worth the extra couple hundred dollars we'd get and it would just put more stress on her and the baby.
Pretty much without some sort of real obligation, she doesn't know what to do.
Humans are weird like that. I don't think we were ever meant to sit around and do nothing. That's why watching Netflix for 8 hours feels gross, especially if you do it multiple days a week. We were always meant to pursue something.
I don't think the majority of people's hobbies alone could fulfill that purpose unless they were getting compensated for it. But then that just becomes a job, maybe a more fulfilling job, but it often leads to a situation where you're no longer passionate about the craft and more about the money. See YouTubers today with their scams, click bait, and questionable sponsors. They become sellouts and lose integrity for that next paycheck.
Basically, humans need purpose, and this fantasy of waking up with no agenda is not actually a purpose for almost everyone and will only lead to a lack of meaning in ones life more often than not
Yeah. A purpose is as important to build yourself as a person. The problem is when you work without a real purpose or make said purpose/job the basis of your identity.
Agreed. I feel Fortunate that my career is within a field I find passion in and enjoy talking about outside of work (when necessary)..
I find myself willingly upskilling myself because I want to learn and the extra money and career opportunities happen to be a benefit.
I find myself to be incredibly fortunate that it even allows me to live a mostly non financially stressful life.
How to solve the problem for the 80-90% who don't share the same feelings? Idk really. I think it's actually not solvable in a humane way IMHO.
Think of the books like a brave new world. Suffering is part of the human experience and in order to suffer you need to sacrifice. While the source of suffering will change, what will always remain is our desperate need to experience it if we're to live a meaningful life. So if we're not sacrificing we're not suffering, if we're not suffering we're not living a life worth living.
Really wise comment. Giving structure to our time and having some kind of goal hanging on the horizon both do more for our sense of place in the world around us than we tend to consciously realize.
Why would working hurt her or the baby? Have worked with tons of pregnant women?
She's later in her pregnancy (late 2nd tri) and the majority of jobs she would apply for would have a physical aspect to it such as standing/walking for a long period of time, lifting things.
She always complains about back pain when we go out or when we try to cook together, be it not a lot, but still comments here and there.
I don't think being forced to stand would be a good ide even if she thinks she can handle it.. I don't think it would be harmful necessarily but very uncomfortable. And for a few hundred dollars a week. Its not a tradeoff I want to make with her well being when it's absolutely not necessary.
But doesn’t she get a say in the matter? You speak like it’s only your decision?
Of course. I told her that if I can guarantee money is not an issue would you still feel the need to work? I asked her if she enjoys the rush hour traffic, the rude customers, and the feeling of being helpless to the requests of your boss?
I asked her if she likes having to wake up at 7am, the midday crash, and the feeling of exhaustion at the end of the day.
She told me no. She was like, I guess I just like the idea of something to do, but the only thing she could remember was that she used to work.
I then went on and continue to walk down a path of helping her discover hobbies and interests. I gave her my credit card and said go out and find something you want to do and if you think you wanna start knitting, go buy a knitting kit.
If you think you wanna start cooking, go buy the ingredients needed.
I only asked that she doesn't spend a ton of money and keep it within reason hahaha.
So far, she continues to look all while we currently have more arts and craft materials than I know what to do with. We have tons of markers, pens, pencils, clay, watercolors and an art easel that will likely never be used.
I found my old Pokemon cards and she tells me she could try to sell them for me and really tried to pursue this idea, but I said its not necessary. I'd rather keep them than the few hundred you could sell them for.
I think with her coming from a poorer family, along with the way society is built today, if you're not doing something that generates money, you feel as if it's a waste of time.
I do think that when she gives birth and has a child to care for, it will make her realize that she's rather spend time with her child than giving it to some employer.
My man. You are setting your wife up for postpartum depression. This is so similar to the conversations I had with my husband when I was pregnant a decade ago. Needing connection and meaning is fundamental. I thought once baby arrived I’d find that sense of meaning, but I was just more lonely and isolated because I always had baby with me. And I did yoga regularly, made art, even illustrated a children’s book. But I wanted a job. A place I went to regularly and interacted with other adults and made money. Instead of telling your wife what she wants, help her figure out a way for her to do what she wants. If she hates it, she can quit. Don’t pre-hate her job for her. I wish I had gone back to working at the coffee shop, just a few shifts a week. Yes, it would’ve been challenging physically, but then I would’ve enjoyed my days off more. I thought it would be dumb to pay as much in childcare for what I would make. But it was dumber to stay home and try to be a mom 24/7 when I was slowly losing my mind. My husband and I almost got a divorce over this, but therapy and putting our daughter in childcare saved it. After that, I served on the board of a nonprofit and then got a contract with another local nonprofit doing some social media work for them. I found my way back to myself. But it was a long road. Don’t do this to her. (Also, local art clubs, Urban sketcher meetups, and online live art classes on YouTube are great ways to use those art supplies in the company of others)
Well she has her family who lives close by which we visit them multiple times a week. She has a sister who has 2 children of her own who absolutely can't wait to have playdates. She has a community of neighbors that we see regularly and even extended family (cousins, uncles, aunts) that visit regularly too.
She has a group of friends she still sees on a regular basis, and I even rope her into going out with me when I visit with my work friends.
Over a 3 years ago she told me she would move across the country and live with me, and I firmly told her no. The community of people she lives with are going to be critical to her well being. I asked her the other day if she thinks that she could have moved. She told me she realizes now that she could not have
I am a bit weird. I don't need that community as much as I'm much more self sustainable being an introvert and find myself being much more connected to my side projects.
Long story short, yes, had she moved across the country to live with me, I would have approached this much differently, but I was the one who packed my bags and moved to her.
While you have valid points, I don't think our situation quite mimics yours over a decade ago.
Thanks for the input though and will take her thoughts with more insight iff it comes up since you've shared your experience.
Last thing, the main times she gets bored would be the 2 or 3 days a week where she won't visit a friend or won't have a family visit to meet or visit. One of the main things that hold her back from say visiting a friend or family member, is often they can't afford to go out, and while I tell her it's not a big deal to pay for them, $30-50 3-5 times a week adds up.
Oh, to be clear, I live in my hometown. I had baby play dates and close friends and saw my parents and aunties and uncles regularly. I found baby play dates so boring, and exhausting because I was trying to juggle caring for my baby and trying to have a conversation with other moms also distracted by babies, and it was just endlessly about spit up and food and sleep schedules. I still wanted a job, because I felt like I was just drifting and wanted to talk about stuff that wasn’t about baby. Lots of people love that though, so maybe your wife will actually be content with it? Everyone is so different, and my husband is like you, fairly self contained, caring, but just never understood why I wanted to work. He was jealous of me “getting” to stay home and be with our baby while he was working so hard. He had ideas and solutions and plans for me that just weren’t right for me, because it’s what he would do in my situation. What I needed/need is different. What she needs is different. The fact is, if she’s not happy, something needs to change.
I personally think humans are just not really wired to ever be truly and fully satisfied. It looks like no matter what, something is too boring or to hard or too easy or too perfect or too flawed or too suspicious or too pure or whatever. I sometimes wish we were simpler creatures like dogs or monkeys. They can be satisfied and completely in the moment. They only suffer when they are actively in pain, and even then they pretty easily get over it sometimes. Although I know there are some people that really are satisfied with their life as-is so idk
And an employer is the only way to find that purpose? Embarrassing.
A world were most people work for someone else absolutely is not the default like some are implying. It's a new concept. Pre industrial revolution most people worked for themselves/family business.
No, an employer is not the only way to find a purpose. But at the moment, with the current situation we live in, it's the only way for the majority of people to find some resemblance of purpose.
If many of us were willing to forego some of the luxury items we have today, we could return to a pre industrial way of living. The reality is, most of us don't want that. We want the comforts of industrial. We like to go to the grocery store and buy all of our food in one trip.
We like to turn the water handle and have clean drinking water (debatable) come out.
We like to be able to entertain ourselves by clicking a few buttons and scrolling endlessly.
We like to be to live our lives with our guards down and not have to worry about surviving on a primal level.
Prior to large civilizations, men made sacrifices to feed and protect their families while women made sacrifices to ensure there children were raised properly.
Nowadays men and women don't do the same things as they did 500 years ago, but the thing that remains constant is we're still sacrificing our time and efforts to pursue something.
Unfortunately for many of us those sacrifices are not worth the rewards. I.e. working a min wage job to have a shitty apartment to live in.
Do you think 500 years ago, the man whonhaf 10 children, 8 of which died before the age of 3 really thought, wow, my life is perfect?
Or even 1 years ago, the man who returned from the coal mine who had black lung really thought, wow, at least I can provide for my family?
Yes, employment is not a good solution for us to find meaning.
One thing I do admire about religious communities is the vary strong sense of communal activities. There is a birthday party every other week, a cookout, and a community event
All the same people show up, and if someone needs help they all pitch in.
I wonder if we rebuilt these communities would our lives begin to feel less bleak? Because before I integrated into one of these communities I never talked to any of my neighbors, kept my work friends as work friends.
Just a thought