ED - how can I help him through this and stop taking it personally?

Psychological ED

My partner (29) and I (25) have been together officially for 5 months, everything is mostly perfect, we are LDR but make it work and visit each other frequently, our relationship is really strong and we communicate about everything. He tells me that I’m the girl he wants to marry and build a life with.

There’s just one thing I’m finding it hard to speak with him about; his ED, I don’t want to hurt him or make things worse for him in his mind but lately I’ve really been taking it personally, even though he has reassured me it’s not.

At the start of the relationship it wasn’t like this, he would get hard instantly and he’d jump me any chance that he got. Our chemistry was through the roof and i had no doubts whatsoever that he was into me.

He’s always taken a bit longer to climax, and during foreplay I’d pretty much have to death grip/ go as fast as possible to make it pleasurable for him.

I started noticing that he’d get soft mid way through, i let it go and thought it could just be stress, but now it’s at the point where when even though he initiates, there’s just nothing.

We left it for so long of not saying anything and just pretending like it wasn’t happening. I did countless research and everything that came up was porn addiction etc. I finally snapped and had to speak with him about it,

I know it frustrates him, we have spoken about it, he’s assured me that it has nothing to do with me and that is psychological from past experiences, that porn doesn’t even get him going half of the time etc.

But I just can’t shake this feeling I have of being unworthy, disgusting and useless. Like anything I do is just pointless at this point, I have never felt so ugly and unwanted as I have been feeling.. i feel he is not attracted to me at all anymore.

I have tried my hardest to be understanding and beside him through this, but I just don’t know how else I can be there for him through this? I have never dealt with anything like this before,

I reassure him constantly everytime it happens that I love him and that I don’t mind and sex is not everything etc.. I lay with him and give him cuddles and kisses afterwards, I’ll admit a couple of times recently I have got frustrated and run to the bathroom to cry so he didn’t see, but he probably could sense how I was feeling. But I’ve tried to remain positive and assuring to the best of my ability through it all. I’m just at a loss now.

I know it’s stupid of me to internalise it as he has assured me that it’s not me, and it will only make things worse for him if I speak any more about it, which is why I’m scared to talk further about this and why I’m coming to reddit; so I guess I’m coming on here to see if anyone has had past experiences like this? What has helped? How have you gone about conversations regarding this?

I really love this man more than anything and I want to make this work and build a future with him. Sex is such an important part of a relationship to me, and I want to have that connection with him again so so bad.

in erectiledysfunctionby Prestigious-Bend1033

100%

1mo

ScrunchyButts

1mo

What really stands out to me is that a guy who’s been in a long distance relationship for five months is talking about marriage and building lives together.

Too much, too soon. Speaks to his experience and maturity.

Ok_Kangaroo_6530

1mo

If sex is important to you like you stated it was, I think you should get out now before you get even more mentally and emotionally invested. I feel bad for him that he is dealing with ed at such a young age and it's not his fault.

But there is no point in sacrificing your youth too, you are even younger than him.

And if it was him on here instead of you, talking about how horrible he feels for not being able to satisfy you, I would tell him to keep you in his life bc you seem accepting of him and his condition, at least from his perspective.

But it's you on here and just being objective, if you are having this much internal grief about it this early in the relationship, there is no need to put yourself though this for another 20 years until the divorce bc you can't take it anymore. Just leave. Lie to him about it being about something other than what it is really about. Go live your best life and be happy💯✌️

Prestigious-Bend1033

1mo

Look, I get it, I know that I’m young and of this continues I’m “sacrificing my youth” and I completely get that and want to work with him on this regardless. As I said, I love him more than anything. Yea sex is a big factor for me, but if he’s willing to atleast work with me on this then I can aswell. The relationship is almost perfect aside from the sex, leaving him over something like this feels gross.

Ok_Kangaroo_6530

1mo

Well that's even better then. Stay and work with him. I have had ed for 2 years and really attractive women give me that look on a regular basis when I am in public but I have zero interest bc I am consumed with my own insecurities over it all. I don't know if I will ever fully recover, maybe when I am 60 and am expected to have ED issues.

But when you are younger, a man is not supposed to be having problems which makes us even more insecure about it.

I keep asking myself, what young woman is going to want to be with a man who cannot give her sex. And even if they get to know you and care about you, I am going to feel horrible about the sacrifice they are making and I will feel horrible about not having normal penis function, not having any interest in sex, I can't even feel much in my penis anymore.

Any way you slice it, this is a devastating disease that doctors have absolutely no idea what causes it and how to fix it. There is very little hope.

Prestigious-Bend1033

1mo

I’m really sorry to hear that you feel this way, I cannot even begin to imagine the way that you and many other men are feeling because of this. Just know that there are young women out there who care more about a connection than just sex, and that are willing to work with you through these times. From a woman’s perspective- keep an open mind, if you can be open and honest about it, we will really appreciate it more than you know. Sex isn’t all about PIV. There is so much more you can do to have that connection and intimacy, both parties just need to be willing and open! Best of luck to you my friend!

Euphoric-Peak3361

1mo

The problem with this mentality is that sooner or later most men will develop ED. She has no guarantee next man will not have ED. She should try to work it out and get him the help he needs .

Ok_Kangaroo_6530

1mo

Yeah but not at that young age. Most men in their 20s and 30s especially 20s, have no problem. I needed to cum 3 times a day up until I was 40.

She is only 25 for crying out loud. There are lots of men out there that have a high libido even into their 50s and 60s. Just bc we have ed does not mean every guy has ed. I know guys in their 60s who never had problems.

Even my urologist said only 50% of men start having issues so the other 50% have no problems

Prestigious-Bend1033

1mo

If this was anything but a psychological issue, example porn addiction or whatever, I probably would leave. But to leave him over his trauma from his past is not it, I get it, but not the kind of advice I’m after :) thank you for your comments though!!

CalmElephant794

1mo

Most probably, he is a denial phase. Men often do that, especially young men. „I don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, how the fuck can i be impotant?! It must be all psychological!“. That is the baseline. Well, actually you can. There is a lot of young males, who are sportsmen and super healthy, yet they somehow get unlucky and get ed. Specific question, which i always ask first, is the morning wood? Does your partner get it regularly and is it of the same quality? If not, then then reason is physiological. There is two approaches of fixing ed. A long one and a short one. 1. You moderate your lifestyle. You get on a diet, you less sugars, fats, more veggies, especially leafy veggies. You do moderate cardio at least three times a week. You sleep at least 7 to 8 hours a day. This approach mostly helps in mild ed cases. It takes a lot of time, and it doesn’t guarantee the solution. 2. second approach would be sex pills. Cialis or viagra. Docs tend to prescribe them quickly, because they affect your erections almost instantly. There is different doses of it, so you have figure out individually which one suits you the best. I would recommend to get the highest one (100mg viagra or 20 cialis). If it works great, than maybe he will need a lower dose in the future. Method of a trial so to speak. But your partner has to be relaxed and aroused to make pills work. If he is too stressed out, if he anticipates a failure (which he probably will due to failures in the past), then he won’t perform with pills either. Stress and anxiety are boner killers.

Regardless, he needs to speak to a urologist. If he feels to ashamed, he might want to check this sub out first. It might be quite helpful, especially for the „beginners“, who didn’t confront their issues yet.

Reasonable_Guest423

1mo

Hey girl, I’m so sorry that’s super frustrating. Hey man, sorry to hear about your ED. Have you tried nitric oxide by TopShelfGrind? They have a great supplement on Amazon to help increase sex drive and performance in men. It’s a bit expensive but you pay for quality. If you send them a message on Instagram (@topshelfgrind) they’ll send you a discount code or even let you try a free sample. They have amazing customer service 100% worth trying!!

https://www.amazon.com/Supplement-Enhancing-Strength-Endurance-Capsules/dp/B0CPXK5JG2

AppropriateTea9431

1mo

First of all I would really really appreciate your sincere emotions towards your partner and the way you are trying not him to feel even he cannot do it, you are 1 out of millions trust me. And every girl frustrates out of it but it depends because some make their partners realize make them feel and that ruins the one’s self esteem.

So now coming to the point I have ED I am treating it still and I had the same issue that there was no hardness at all at some point. But then I visited urologist to let him check that if there is some serious concern. He did all labs and then blood work was fine. So, he prescribed me the cialis / Tedelafil that I usually take when I believe that I have to have intercourse. But some people take it regularly. However, this helps a lot for my case atleast and although it is not the permanent solution but it could make you guys together so that you guys can find some other solutions like ED consultants that treat the ED with meditation exercises and multivitamins. I just started that course this week this is my first week so I can update further as well as this is whom may be 12 weeks course.

This is how I think you guys can go ahead but it’s important to first rule out any somehow hidden medical reasons and if not then ask urologist to prescribe cialis etc meanwhile you guys can look for ED therapist. Once I get some good results out of it I can refer you guys because someone from Reddit recommended that person to me. So let see. And hope things workout best of luck.

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