went to dinner and got criticized, absolutely no other conversation (vent)

every time i have dinner with my mother she says the exact same criticisms on my weight, hair, or whatever else she doesnt approve of. she doesn't seem to know how to talk without giving insults disguised as advice--or using me as a therapist for her own problems. she does not ask about my hobbies, my dog, love life, friends. if i bring them up myself, i get more criticism. she definitely does not give emotional support for my problems, which is why i haven't told her i am living in my car with my dog, nor that i've been sick for about two months now.

the only thing she does is give me money. but my job does that, too. and my job doesn't cause me as much stress.

whenever i talk to other people i am always so surprised that they show an interest in what i do or think. that they listen to what i say. that they aren't constantly, relentlessly negative.

i get jealous of other people with good moms. mother's day is hard for me. people praise their mothers for supporting them. all i can think about is how mine tried to make me forgive my father for molesting me. how she kicked me out of the house for smoking weed and then tried to get me to sign a card with her so the family wouldnt know what she'd done. how not once she has ever shown an interest in me as a person, only how much money i make and what i can do for her.

i was a good kid. i'm a good person. i deserve a better mother.

in emotionalneglectby votszka

99%

22d

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sasslafrass

22d

Yes, you do deserve a better mother. You just got unlucky in the mother lottery.

All of the petty little criticism and negativity are dominance games and power plays. Making you unsafe and insecure makes her feel safe and secure. She sets her self up as the gatekeeper of all that is good and right and no one or nothing can live up to her standards. When her standards are actually met, she changes the standards. The thing she is complaining about is irrelevant. Her winning by judging is the point.

You are not required to treat a bad mother like a good mother. You are not required to pretend she is a good mother to other people. You are not required to to have a relationship with her at all. You actually have all the power in your relationship. And that is why she works so very hard to convince you otherwise.

I also highly recommend you check out r/raisedbynarcissists. You will find 1000’s of stories just like yours. I hope this helps. Hugz

votszka

22d

"When her standards are actually met, she changes the standards. The thing she is complaining about is irrelevant"

that's creepily accurate. when i was in high school i barely had any friends because 1) she had to approve of them and 2) my curfew was either 7pm or before sunset, which was ridiculous in winter. i was painfully shy and introverted, rarely speaking to anyone. then, when we went to family reunions or other gatherings she would ask "why aren't you talking to anyone?" well, because when i wanted to make friends i practically had to fill out six forms, submit the paperwork to the dmv during business hours, then wait three weeks for a response in the mail. which was usually no. why indeed.

thanks for reccing the raised by narcissists sub. i lurk both there and here and wasn't entirely sure which one to post this in.

sasslafrass

22d

Both ;)