I wanted to say this just because I haven't really told my story of awakening, which I'm learning from everything I've read and am reading, is a pretty unique way of coming into the truth.
For about eight months or so I had been taking weed gummies as a way to relax so I could sleep (I've been an insomniac for decades and nothing worked), and gummies did the trick. So I decided to add some of the fun gummies in there and wow. I never knew my mind could "turn off" in that way, a way that would allow me to start just pontificating about life, myself, my goals, my past screw ups, my continual failure in everything I thought I was meant to be good at, etc. I would do this every night. Take a gummy, relax, turn on classical music and just sit and listen, and think. I also was questioning myself and classical music and whether I was "weird" for liking it, since in every TV show or movie the serial killer is always listening to classical music while he's dissecting a kid. But this questioning of whether I was weird would lead to the biggest breakthrough. That's coming up.
Part of my nightly thinking pattern was also me thinking about death a lot, and what happens, and if anyone would remember me. I started thinking I was pretty sure nothing would happen. I would die and that would be it. I also decided that as a rational, scientific person, that there was no "God" or afterlife. Then I started thinking about how I had worked for all of these years for goals that just never happened. I was thinking about so many things for months that finally this past July I started journaling about it. Never journaled before, but felt it was a good way to just work out some of these thoughts.
Part of the journal was me asking WHY I felt so self-conscious about everything. This was a huge deal because then I started questioning WHY for everything.
WHY do I care if people think classical music is weird? WHY does it matter what movie reviewers think when the opinion that matters is mine? WHY am I posting so many selfies? What is lacking that I'm trying to find? I mean, the questions go on and on, I'd be happy to discuss more in messages. But the point is, I was questioning everything and going deeper and deeper until I got to a point where I was at such a deep level, I actually googled: "Am I too self aware?" Then it hit me what was going on.
As I took a gummy and put on my headphones that night to vibe out and try to think about what an "awakening" actually was, that's when "it" happened. This past August 25th, 2023. I felt, I don't know, almost as if I had passed out but I was completely lucid about what was happening around me. I know it sounds crazy but I literally saw EVERYTHING. I saw the universe, a sea of energy, the past, the present, maybe the future, but it was told to me through these images that we have been souls since the beginning of time, and earth is just a place we are right now before we head back to the spiritual world to do whatever. It was shocking, I opened my eyes and took a breath like it was the first breath I'd ever taken. I noticed tears were streaming down my face. I was in full blown tears and literally felt like I had been reborn. It was an experience that for a couple of months afterwards completely rocked my world. I quit social media (I'm still off of it), I couldn't stop reading everything, books, articles, blogs, videos, EVERYTHING that had to do with spiritual awakening, Buddhism, enlightenment, everything.
I won't go into the entire journey since it's barely 4 months old, but at this point I have realized that I need no longer google anything about "WHY" something is happening. I was addicted to googling every little part of this journey. I keep seeing angel numbers? Google. I keep seeing blue heron birds? Google. I vibrate as I meditate and see purple lights? Google. I googled and read so much to try to find out what others felt the reasons were for, well, EVERYTHING that I WAS THE ONE EXPERIENCING! Then it hit me: Why am I asking others who are just like me what they think I've experienced? If anyone is qualified to interpret what is going on, it's me! So it has been extremely difficult, because I have the urge all the time to ask the internet WHY or WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. But now instead, I just hop on my journal, describe what happened, and try to break it down and come up with an interpretation on my own.
This is four months of awakening but a year of introspection that got me here. This was purely by accident. It didn't involve chakras or kundalini or retreats or Bodhi trees or anything other than me relentlessly peeling back the layers of my life and life itself as a human until the truth was revealed to me. It was just my time, I guess. And even though early on I begged myself to go back to being asleep, now I'm in a place where I am so thankful to be here, and my life is my own. I wish everyone could feel this way, and I wish I could just tell people how to do it, but being open to burning down everything you think about yourself is something not many people are willing or ready to do. Thanks for listening, I'm not sure how much longer I'll be on reddit since I joined when I was still asking questions, but I am glad to answer any from my limited knowledge. Have a great life, everyone. Make it yours.