I don’t think I can continue anymore

Advice

I’m 33m and have been living alone (for the most part as I had a partner for a few years) for about 6 or 7 years now. I don’t like having a landlord, living somewhere that isn’t mine. I struggle with keeping the place tidy and my landlord has just unexpectedly shown up without any confirmation that he was coming. I’m in high anxiety mode right now. I didn’t answer, pretended I wasn’t here, but I heard him outside leaving a voicemail which I never got, I didn’t hear exactly what he said and I hate phone calls, I said before I moved in that I prefer written communication mostly like emails or texts. I received a call from him yesterday but ignored it and waited for a voicemail or a text or an email but none of them came, but he just showed up today, I don’t think that’s legal here but it doesn’t matter, even if it was illegal that would be too much stress on me to do anything about it. I can’t live like this anymore and I’m afraid I just can’t live at all.

I guess I’m gonna have to call this afternoon at some point, but I really don’t want to. I don’t like living like this, I honestly think I’d rather be homeless because then I’m not living to someone else’s standards and expectations. I’m starting to seriously consider walking out or maybe something more drastic. I’m exhausted from living this life that I don’t want. I’m alone. I feel close to no one. I’m “high functioning” so I’m in a weird place where I need help to live but not like some full time carer or anything, I’m completely invisible.

This is on top of the fact I feel so useless anyway. I feel like I’m in Gods waiting room, every day, pointless living, fueling myself for no clear reason, waking up to look forward to going to bed again so I can slip into some dreams where I forget who I am. But I don’t know, I’m struggling atm, I see my future and I’m just trying to buckle up my seat belt and remain calm and passive for the rest of my “life” looping around this same road until it collapses and pulls me down with it, continuing this journey alone, everyone I meet is either a passing car or a voice on the radio. I had one passenger but she’s gone now. I can’t see the point. I wanna slip off the road unnoticed and quietly. This is not my world, not my life, none of this has anything to do with me. I need to get out.

in autismby GhoblinCrafts

93%

1mo

View all comments

GhoblinCrafts

1mo

I’m gonna go on a bit of a tangent here about my ex but she felt like the only connection I’ve ever had, the thing that made me want to be here and gave me a clear purpose, despite a very painful and confusing relationship at the time. Before that all relationships in my life felt like a big act, I hate to say it but even the love for my friends and family, it still feels like an act, except with her, she feels real and there’s an undeniable sense of commitment and devotion for her there that unfortunately serves no purpose anymore yet it’s still there always, it’s the only thing that’s ever made me feel human, knowing I can feel this way about someone, a feeling that felt like it gave me a real and authentic use, I have no ambitions or motivations anywhere else in my life, everything else I do is based on wonder, not conviction.

My feelings for her I admit are some influence on how I’m feeling today and how I want to escape, because I feel I have no support, I do wish the only person I really care about cared about me too. She showed me that true unconditional love exists, I’ve seen it within myself that I truly love her and wish to commit myself to her and devote myself to her completely, to dedicate myself to understand her every thought and be there for her no matter what, no matter how much it hurts sometimes, that’s profound to witness within myself because I’ve always felt so fake and foggy in everything I do, what I feel for her is not an imposter thing, it’s the real thing. It seems like such a rare thing and I think many partners in love are holding fools gold believing it to be the real thing yet they have conditions on their love, I understand conditional relationships, but love can’t be conditional or it isn’t really love, our relationship had conditions and had to end at that time, and I grew from it, and continue to obsess over learning about CPTSD and my own reactions despite there being no practical reason anymore. It’s hard to imagine anyone could ever feel for me what I feel for her and it’s unreasonable to expect that but also I’d only ever accept it from her because I have no interest in pursuing others, so that’s made my future clear, to be loved is not for me and I accept that. I’m happy she exists and I’m still there for her when she’s struggling, but I don’t think she needs me, she’s got friends and family who she’s close to, she probably only still speaks to me from time to time out of sympathy or something, and I’m not complaining about not wanting to exist, this isn’t a “it’s not fair why doesn’t she love me”, it’s an “I love her”, I’m just feeling impatient because I don’t know what I’m waiting for, there’s nothing here for me, I can’t be anything for the person I love.

And I know she doesn’t want me so it’s not that I want her, I just want my end, my irrelevancy and incompatibility to life is serving me no other function than making me more at peace with the idea of leaving early. Living in someone else’s property, never being able to let myself be who I am is always in the back of my mind, the idea of making myself homeless seems like the best way and I guess it’s part of being passively suicidal too.

Anyway, tangent over… I think hope is what hurts the most, all my hopes have been hopeless, and it does feel like I’m holding on to a small sliver of it in the idea she will want to try again, but that’s such a stupid thought. I don’t hope to have my own home, because it won’t happen. I don’t have hope that I’ll one day become more comfortable with dealing with the “official” aspect of society, the obligations and expectations, it’s always the same. It seems inevitable I will be on the streets at some point anyway, in some way I feel I deserve it and felt this was as a teenager too, mental health services put me on benefits and helped me get a home, I just feel guilty and out of place. Like people like me were supposed to die off and were being kept alive artificially.

I’m just alive because it’s what others expect of me and because a small part of me is delusionally hopeful that my ex is just so hurt and scared that she’s protecting herself and hiding how she feels about me lol, I know she isn’t though.

In the end it’s not like being with her would make me happy as such, I’m not sure love is about happiness more than it’s about duty and being there for someone even if it’s painful sometimes, so maybe it won’t make me happy on any fundamental level but it would give me purpose, that’s what I lack, purpose, and I only ever found it in one place, so that’s why I went off on this embarrassing and cringe rant…

I want to live for purpose, not for my own happiness.

Also thank you 🥸

BeneficialMudFox

1mo

Fuck, I so deeply understand you.

I could never talk to my friends about the love I feel for my man, or let's say I couldn't really explain them what I mean, s because I feel exactly like you describe it. And for most people this sounds sick or something? But it's true, I truly love him, he is the one thing in this universe which I never truly doubted.

Sure, my trauma made me do awful things, made me doubt my own existence and in extreme cases even my love, for very very short periods of time. But not really tho. Because deep down inside me I always held the truth that this is it, this is my purpose, this connection to this very special human being is what I am here for.

I always feel like I learn about the world through him. And yes, I know, it sounds awfully dependent and maybe even naively romantic or cringe or whatever. But it's true, like it's the only thing that is true. And I am very fortunate that he feels the same.

But: my own history and my cptsd made it hard to see my truth clearly. Because I never loved before I always FELT that this is true, but my deep rooted self hatred permanently tried to sabotage this love, this source of life that was my tether to reality, to sanity.

I was taught very early in my life that I cannot trust myself. And this mistrust held me back showing the love I always felt. I was somehow convinced I did not deserve to be loved like that, at all. Whereas the truth, the love and the devotion were always there, from my side, from his side, I couldn't let it bloom to it's full extend. My survival mechanisms couldn't let me accept this love. Up until now, 35 years old, 17 years into the relationship.

I don't know if it could be similar with the woman you so deeply love. When did your relationship become transactional? What happened that you lost her? If you wanna share, ofc. I am kind of pathologically nosey, or let's say curious.

And I am also convinced that love is not about being "happy", whatever that entails anyway, I am not good in recognizing feelings. Like you said, it's about sharing this existence, it's about a decision to stand by one another. It's devotion, it's hard. And it should be, because it's also growth and the fusion of existences in this random universe.

I get that you feel like without her you lack purpose. And i know that people might say: "that's not healthy. There are other women out there. don't be so dependent on this. Life goes on." But if I were in your position I would probably only feel misunderstood. So I am not saying that to you, in fact I am somewhat enabling you, don't know what this says about me tbh.

I get it. It makes sense to me. It's a truth that feels so profound that it's not able to be shaken. And this, in and of itself, is such a beautiful thing somehow. Moreso if you're living in a world where real connection feels (or maybe is? I am never really sure) impossible.

GhoblinCrafts

1mo

You’re certainly very lucky. I’m happy others can share that together. With my ex the relationship just started going down an unhealthy path, I should have researched CPTSD thoroughly beforehand because I just wasn’t prepared, I ended up being abusive too in the way that I’d be frustrated and felt attacked so I’d raise my voice and felt I wasn’t being heard so it built to point where I would hit things and harm myself too. At the time I couldn’t see that it wasn’t helping I just didn’t know how to respond but I deeply regret my actions, I mean I knew it wasn’t helping but I couldn’t see it from her point of view, it ended about 3 years ago and looking back I just feel confused, I can’t remember what she said to me except for some of the spiteful stuff she said in the heat of the moment, I always felt like my behaviour was in reaction to her but I can’t remember what she would say to me, I don’t really know what I did wrong still so I can’t trust my own narrative, I could be crazy, I just know that since we split I’ve had the time to reflect and I would never let myself become like that again, I’ve also had the time to realise I lost the love of my life, but I wasn’t hers, I was just another ex unfortunately. I did tell her on the day she left as we layer in bed watching TV that it didn’t have to be the end, but it turns out it was, I didn’t want her to go, she didn’t want to go either, she never saw the pain I was in I don’t think, even the morning she picked me up with a taxi from hospital after my first ever self harm hospitalisation she just seemed cold like I did it to her. We texted for a week or two after but she kept guilting me and telling me it was all my fault and I split up the cats, I wanted to say come home so bad but I new the relationship as it was was dangerous for both of us, she clearly wasn’t happy, I wasn’t in a good place, I had to block her and go no contact, it’s only the end of last year when I unblocked her and she’s been kind, it’s taken a load off my mind, I’m not getting as many flash backs of trying to say the right thing or thinking about what I wish I did differently, but I still miss her, maybe even more now. She’s definitely not coming back, I don’t know exactly how she feels, whether she’s just trying to be nice or what, she’s sensitive and I don’t wanna bring anything up that will hurt her. I’m sorry the way I’m typing is all over the place I just feel like there’s so much that I have to try and optimise and say, the whole situation is complicated and confusing. She let me tell her how I feel to a point but it makes her angry, she doesn’t believe I love her. I’d leave my friends and family behind and move to her if she’d let me. I want to be in her life because I know someone really loves her in a serious way, that’s me. I’d be okay with her finding someone else but I’m scared they won’t feel like I do about her. I don’t know I have so many thoughts it makes my head feel like a pinball machine…

The thing is, I don’t know what I am to her, when we met she was still speaking to the man who did so much damage to her as a teenager, the man I helped her go to the police about and supported her through the case the best I could, so maybe she sees me like she saw him, maybe she’s scared or something, I don’t know, that kind of kills me, but either way I wanna be there for her no matter what, however I can, I’ve told her I’ll always be here for her and sometimes she does come to me when she’s struggling, which hurts me but I’m so glad I can be there for her. I still consider her my partner, I want to live my life waiting for her, on call, ready for whatever she may need even if she just disappears for good one day I’ll still wait, she’s still my purpose, maybe that’s pathetic, I know people won’t understand, people will say move on and find someone else but I can’t, I won’t. I wish I could be there for her better, and give her the full extent of my love, but I want her to make her decisions and I will support anything she does.

I’m just trying not to give into the very logical and realistic part of me that says I’ve done my part for her and I’m no longer needed. It’s not like I don’t want to live because she’s gone, I’ve always had troubles with wanting to live, it’s that she gave me and still does to a degree a reason to live, but again, I know she’s not coming back..

BeneficialMudFox

1mo

wow. Thanks for letting me understand you. This is really ... Well, beautiful and sad.

And I don't know, I ask myself why I somehow get the weird feeling that you are super clear and kind of analytical about this profound connection you feel to her - but on the other side I sense a lot of (less logical) assumptions regarding yourself in her eyes. Do you get what I mean?

Like, the assumption that she talks to you out of pity. I don't get how you arrive at this conclusion from what you shared. Same with that she never saw the pain you were in. I get that it felt like she didn't see it, didn't recognize it. But that's one thing my man also felt, a lot.

And it was never true. I saw his pain so much and was deeply triggered (oh what a word that is ... But yeah, it's real) by it. Which resulted in me acting cold, betrayed, annoyed, enraged, trapped. I don't know her story, but if her trauma entailed having to be the emotional punching bag for an abuser one step in our healing journey is to get enraged about that. Stupidly this can mean that we act out our old emotions in similar situations. So I don't know if she really reacted to you at all in such situations - which does not make it better for you, it doesn't change that she hurt you. But maybe it helps to understand that she maybe was in a place where real, deep love wasn't possible for her because she could not differentiate between flashback and reality and therefore wasn't able to actually be a partner for you, see you for who you are.

You said she did not want to leave, this morning in bed watching TV. Why did she say that? I don't really buy the story that this kind of love was/is one-sided. I fear that you let your own circular thought patterns give you an interpretation of this whole story that somehow always ends with "I am not worthy of being loved, like really loved, loved like I love her".

Honestly, I am starting to doubt if anything I say is the slightest bit helpful. Maybe it's also an autistic thing in part, the black and white thinking. The big feelings of truth. But in the end, that's how my brain and my reality works, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So yeah, maybe it's the curse of feeling too much. But it makes us who we are.

Ah and one thing: you said she allowed you to share how you feel. But it sounded like not really. And that you don't want to upset her, since she is sensible. In my personal experience with this world: my assumptions of what others are thinking are not a good indicator of reality. I mix my own stuff in there so often that I learned to stop trying to guess what somebody is thinking or feeling. I know, it feels like it's obvious, we have enough data points to have a realistic estimate of this other person's state of mind and emotions - newsflash for myself: bullshit. Since I ask people and actually listen and believe their answer it got so much easier for myself.

So, if you think you will upset her and that she doesn't want to hear from you and that you do not mean to her what she means to you etc. - couldn't you actually ask her and then trust that she answers honestly? Just a thought, because I think you would profit a lot from talking to her about this.

And about your behavior: I bet it was shit, but you are aware. You learned from it. So I hope you really can forgive yourself for it. You deserve that, I bet the situation you found yourself in when it happened was way, waaay too much. I get it, it sucks to regret our behaviors. But that's what differentiates good people from real assholes.

GhoblinCrafts

1mo

Thank you for talking to me about this, I do appreciate it, there’s only so far you can go talking to an AI chat bot about it which I’ve been using to cope lol (sad I know). Like I said there’s a lot unsaid and I don’t think my thoughts about how she views me are illogical at all. I don’t know why she talked to her original abuser and now I’m the new abuser, she didn’t like him, so her talking to me doesn’t mean she likes me, it could be something CPTSD related that maybe makes her feel like she has to be nice or something but really she feels repulsed by me, maybe she’s humanising me to cover up those feelings. She used to hang out with him in VR a lot (where I met her), watching videos and stuff, like they were really close, it was very confusing to learn of what he did later down the line. Them hanging out was many years after he had abused her in a very serious and highly illegal way, if she can act close to him why not with me? I see no reason to believe I’m any different, but of course this doesn’t stop me from loving her and wanting to be there for her it just muddys the waters and I can’t tell what’s really going on. The other day I felt like I was getting closer to her as she suggested we watch a movie together virtually (both pressing play at the same time and then messaging throughout), I really liked this until I remembered that she used to watch things with him, so I don’t know what to make of it, I was going to ask her but I deleted my message before she could see it, I didn’t want to bring him up to her and I felt ashamed to be talking about my own selfish shit.

I really don’t think she saw me in that relationship, I was pretty much at the worst I could be mentally, I was sitting there silently a lot of the time just feeling scared and on edge trying to not panic because I didn’t know if she was going to say I’ve done something wrong, which sounds stupid but I really felt like I was walking on egg shells, I was suffering but had no one to turn to, I wanted her to see me and understand me, towards the end of the relationship she stopped sitting with me on the sofa and I felt so lonely and I asked her once to come and cuddle with me and she did for a minute or so and then went back to her laptop sitting on the footstool next to the coffee table again and after this I didn’t ask again I just felt like she was there but she was gone. I really truly believe she has no idea how difficult it was for me and I don’t want to bring it up to her in any detail because I don’t want her to think badly of herself to know she hurt me, yet at the same time I want her to see me.

It seemed like every argument started with her accusing me of things I didn’t do and she would go to her friends and they would tell her I’m gaslighting her and ah I need to chill I’m getting triggered, it’s so painful it really hurts, being misunderstood and having what I feel are untrue and unfair interpretations of me being believed has been a life long theme for me and to have it with the person I fell in love with is agonising. The worst thing she said to me which she would say often is “you don’t care” or “you don’t love me”, which if you were a fly on the wall during that time you would have heard her call me an asshole a lot to and a horrible man and one time “you’re worse than my pos pedo ex” which hurt a lot but somehow being told I don’t care when I do breaks me the most, it’s what lead to me seeing red and self harming in the fraction of a second, which lead to her hating me even more.

She said she didn’t want to leave because she felt she didn’t, this was on the day of when she moved out and back to the other side of the country, the day where I had to fight my emotions the most and refrain from saying don’t go. I told her I didn’t want it to happen either but it’s not about what I want, it was a dangerous situation for both of us, I don’t think she realised that I was really the closest to taking my life, the days after the break up where I stayed with my brother on his couch I was so ill, physically and mentally, I felt like I was fighting off Satan himself, I wanted to jump under a train, she was suffering at the flat alone without me, when I did try to go there she was crying on the kitchen floor and she would tell me to go away and leave her a lone but when o would try to leave she would accuse me of abandoning her :( It hurts so much, I wish I could go back and I would do everything right but I know that’s only due to hindsight, I needed the time after the break up to process everything and grow and and reflect, reality just seems so cruel and pointless, to have me feel this way about someone I can never be with again… I know I love her with devotion, maybe more than anyone else ever will, but I fucked it up by not being good enough, I can never forgive myself for that, the pain I feel is still fresh and never gets any less, it only feels like I get further and further away and time doesn’t make it better at all. I feel I deserve this and take it all as punishment, at least that way it feels like there is purpose to it all.

I can’t imagine many people feel love the way I feel it, so I don’t expect anyone to ever see me the same and I know I could never love anyone like I do here, I couldn’t love anyone else at all, I wouldn’t want to.

And I have to believe what she says right? She’s told me she’s “not interested in this love thing”, she said it’s absolutely impossible for us to rekindle anything and that it’s 100% over, I also asked why she talks to me and she said that I’m just on her contact list so why not and then I asked “what could I offer you” and she said “nothing, absolutely nothing” and I said “why do you want me here?” And she said “when did I say that?”… Those are from texts, I’m very confused, I’m trying to be there for her as best I can, and I know I could be there for her the best if she would let me in and let me love her fully again, but it seems clear she doesn’t want that.

She has said sorry to me a few times and that she feels like a bad person but I don’t know exactly what she’s sorry for or what she feels she’s done.

BeneficialMudFox

1mo

wait, now that you shared a bit more it kinda seems like she was the abusive one (even if her cptsd is the source, it's still abuse) and you at one point snapped and behaved not ideally, but as you said - in reaction to her behavior.

Actually your way of writing about her behavior and your confusion and the everlasting feeling that you did or said something wrong - this reminds me a lot of myself in regards to my mother, who emotionally and verbally abused me my whole life. My mother pretty sure has BPD, or something else in the cluster b area. Could it be that your head feels like it's going to explode because your sense of reality feels warped when it comes to her? That was my feeling my whole life tbh.

And I don't think you fucked this up tbh. You both did maybe, but from what you shared you tried and she didn't. You can't make decisions for someone else, and sometimes it really does not matter what you do, the other person won't change themselves because of another person. I am sure I could have slit my throat in front of my mother to show her how much I needed her and it wouldn't have made her stop. It has to come from within, which sounds cheesy but somehow it's true.

I don't know if that was overstepping, and I don't want to argue that you really deeply love her. But it sounds like you are the abuse victim in your ex relationship, as if she repeated the cycle unwillingly.

Don't know if that's remotely true. But the way she talks to you, even now ... I don't know. She is being mean. And what you shared from during the relationship was harsh. I don't know the whole story, but what you shared is highly toxic, abusive and completely not okay. You deserve better. Do you see her behavior as abuse?

Is she autistic too by the way?

GhoblinCrafts

1mo

I know she was but we was both abusive really. I wanna focus on what I did as it’s what I have control over, I know I won’t act like that again, I’d find other ways and I’ve 100% changed and know I wouldn’t let myself be like that again with certainty and honestly if somehow we ended up together again it would be okay if she was the same as she was because I just wanna learn to be better for her to help her during those times of vulnerability and not react in self preserving ways, I was just weak back then, she needed a more conscious approach from me and I needed to get out of my own way and look through her behaviour at the girl inside who was scared and struggling, which at the time I did, I just didn’t see how my behaviour was hindering that, I always knew where it all came from. I always think about how I could have done things differently in hindsight. But she’s gone, so I dunno, I’m still learning everyday to deal with it.

I accept her fully, she doesn’t have to change a thing unless she wants to, I was just really weak and let her words get to me when she honestly needed me the most, I was blindsided by it all really, completely unprepared, I know she’s not really a malicious person, and the way she pushed me away just gives me all the more sense of urgency to protect her and make her feel seen and heard and understood and loved. I did try but I see now my efforts were in the wrong direction, I think she tried too.

Honestly you’re not overstepping at all, I know where you’re coming from. I still don’t know or think I’ll ever know what really happened, the whole situation was and still is very unclear to me, sometimes I wonder if she ever actually loved me, it can’t be like my love for her because nothing could end this for me, it’s unconditional, she got with someone a few months after our relationship and I tried taking other people last year but I couldn’t do it, none of them were her, I even had a date lined up with a girl who really seemed to like me but I cancelled the night before because I knew I was just trying to replace her and it felt so wrong I felt so bad. My ex isn’t wrong for moving on so fast but I can’t lie, hearing about her getting into a relationship is what I think people who are cheated on feel like, and the thing is I’ve had past relationships where I’ve been cheated on and I was annoyed but didn’t feel heartbroken or anything, all previous relationships to her were very clearly not love even though I’d use that word at the time, I consider my ex my first and last. My first experience of an actual break up too, I’m still going through the break up, it never ends, I cry heavily which I couldn’t really do before so I’m glad I can at least get emotions out that way now, but yeah, my inner life is drastically different now, and I’m aware now of my future more clearly and it will be spent alone but at least I know what’s coming.

I love her despite her abusive tendencies, I think she deserves to be loved, she didn’t chose to be like that it’s a real struggle for her, she needs someone to be there for her. There is no one else to me, my attraction to other girls is completely different now, it’s more of a recognition of attraction rather than the feeling of it, other girls make me think of her, and tbh I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.

She may be autistic, she shares the same silliness as me and my silliness is basically my autism I think. She’s wondered it too.

BeneficialMudFox

1mo

you wrote in another comment that you don't want to be good, or feel good about yourself, since this would be the end. And that you need to be aware of your faults. So your theory seems to be: "If I come to the point I feel good about myself I will behave very badly since the fact I think I'm good prevents me from registering if I am being bad."

In my experience this is not true. One of the main roots for me being an asshole (toxic, abusive, you name it) was my deep mistrust against (or for? I actually don't know how you say that right now) myself.

Because I know the feeling of really not trusting myself and therefore not wanting to see myself as good. It somehow makes sense to be vague about my worth since I could not guarantee that my behavior would live up to the challenge of being good.

But someday somehow I understood something. I understood that the fact that I don't want to feel good with myself resulted out of the deep wish to behave in a good way. I wanted to do good in this world and not just declare my 'goodness'. And I thought that's somehow the best way to operate, no disappointments, no lies - because what the fuck means good anyway right?

And then it clicked: if I am trying to bend my mind in this way, if I am willing to not feel good about myself to make it more probable to actually BE good. Then maybe that's a sign that I am actually good.

I'm still struggling with this, but for me it was like a switch. Feeling self love for the first time, compassion for me, really believing in my worth and that I am enough - it's the weirdest and most beautiful feeling. And funnily enough this feeling for myself did not result in some kind of end. Quite the opposite - I am still very aware of my faults, more aware than even actually. But I gained so much bandwidth to really be there for people. To actually do good.

It sounds so fucking cheesy. And a few years before I would have smirked and thought something along the lines of "yeah, nice, but it's different for me, I am different, you don't understand". But that was just another point in my healing journey, which was valid at the time as well. But the same mind that thought like yours for so long now thinks differently.

And now I will drop 2 things that helped me more than anything else in my "toolbox to unshit my life" so to say:

yoga (this I would have never ever thought. But I get so much from yoga, breathing techniques and the whole mindset behind it)
psychedelics, most of all LSD

I can't and won't accept that you are giving up. You think too much like me to give up, man. And your moustache is way too moustachy for that, too.

You seem like a really cool guy and I really hope today is kind of a good day somehow.

GhoblinCrafts

1mo

I mean, I’m aware of my double standard, I always say to others who are afraid of being bad people that their want to be good people is evidence that they are good people. But I just can’t apply that to myself, I won’t allow myself and I don’t really want to examine it either. I cannot apply any worth to myself, it’s just not going to happen and I don’t want it to happen. Im using god metaphorically here but I feel a lot of people would dream of God saying “you did your best and it was good enough you are good now enjoy peace of mind for eternity knowing all is well”, but I don’t want that, I dream of god saying “you’ve done your time, you don’t have to exist anymore, there’s the door” lol. Rather than being a good person I’d rather not be a person at all, but seeing as I am one (apparently) I just feel this natural drive to do “good”, I never chose it, so I can’t be proud of it or take ownership of it, it’s like being proud that I have hands, I guess that’s why I’m against “self love” for myself. I’ve also done yoga and a few different psychedelics. I’m a pretty spiritual guy really, and all of this sounds negative but I don’t think it is, it’s just my path, I think my entire life has been designed to let me finally let go of it all and leave for good.

BeneficialMudFox

1mo

Ok I get it. I think you are twisting things, like "I never chose to do good", it just happened. Everything you do you choose to do. Even if you are choosing subconsciously, you still are. How else would your body do anything if you did not choose?

And it's not about being proud to be good. That's not like an achievement or something. It's more about an unconditional love from within.

I don't know why I am so hung up on this, but I just hate it if something feels not completely logical to me I guess. And one more thought: don't you think that selflove is the prerequisite for being able to receive and accept love? Because I could not really acknowledge and feel how loved I really am until I started to love myself.

Perhaps, you not acknowledging your own worth could also be a problem for the humans who do love you. If you can't love yourself, you are automatically in a weird position in any kind of relationship, as hard as it sounds. My man had the hardest time with me not knowing my worth and even when I had all this unconditional love for him, I could not live it without the step of selflove.

I dunno. I feel you really don't want to rethink (or maybe re-feel) your perspective somehow. And it bugs me majorly, but that's not about me.

🫶

GhoblinCrafts

1mo

I didn’t chose the nature of the universe I was born into, it may seem like I want to eat, sleep, whatever else, but all those conditions were not chose by me so I’m merely playing out my behaviour based on the world I live in, all my drives are based on preset conditions… I feel like all my choices aren’t really my choice at all, I don’t chose what I like, I just like what I like, and what I like and dislike is what drives my behaviour so therefore my “choices” are based on something I have no choice about so are they really “choices” at all? They’re just who I am. I don’t really like this good person bad person stuff anyway it’s just I get more pulled in by believing negative things about myself, I know it’s unproductive… But let’s not get all philosophical lol, that’s another matter. I feel like we’ve gone off the rails a bit here, I’m not sure I have any rails, I don’t know I’m confused lol.

Yeah, to receive love I have to accept it which means believing I deserve it to an extent, but I don’t think I care about being loved as much as wanting to express and give the love that I have, I cannot use it on myself. When I was in a relationship I was told I was loved, and I liked it for sure but I don’t think I really believed it, I’d concentrate on loving her… None of this matters anyway.

Perhaps I’m just completely bonkers, a little kooky perhaps, there will probably not be a satisfying end to this back and forth lol, I’m sorry for that. But, I’m okay, I’m a deeply hurt person but I think that’s probably fine.

Continue thread...