asexuality

r/asexuality•221.4K subscribers•48 active

"Am I asexual?" – FAQ – etc.Resource / Article

This subreddit has a companion website which includes a detailed FAQ about asexuality and related topics.

There are many other resources beyond the FAQ as well, including:

Experiences • Glossary • Relationships advice • Grey-asexuality

You can find a list of all FAQs here: https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/faq.html. For convenience, the list of links is also included below, and in the comments you can find some "common asexual experiences" which people often find useful to hear.

Note that some of the FAQs haven't been written yet, are incomplete, or are in a draft phase. If you have any suggestions for changes, improvements, or for additional FAQs, just let us know via modmail.

General questioning

Am I asexual? • Am I aromantic? • What is asexuality? • The a-spectra (Includes: "What is sexual attraction?", "What is romantic attraction?", "What is sensual / aesthetic attraction?", "What is platonic / alterous attraction?")

"But what if..."

Can I be asexual if I have romantic feelings? • Can I be asexual if I masturbate? • Can I be asexual and gay / lesbian? • Can I be asexual if I get erections? • Can I be asexual if I have fantasies? • Can I be asexual if I consume pornography / erotica? • Can I be asexual if I have a kink or fetish? • What if I just haven't met the right person yet? • Am I too young to identify as asexual? • Do I need to try sex before I decide if I'm asexual or not? • What if it's just a hormonal imbalance? • What it I'm this way because of trauma?

The nature of asexuality

What's the difference between sexual and romantic attraction? • What's the difference between sexual attraction and arousal? • Is asexuality really a sexual orientation? • Is asexual really a sexual orientation? • Is asexuality a mental illness? • Is the definition of sexual attraction what aces say it is? • Isn't everyone demisexual? • Can someone become asexual? / can sexuality change? • What's the difference between HSDD and asexuality? • Don't people need sex? What about Maslow's hierarchy? • How common is asexuality? (Includes: "Are most asexuals women, or men?", "Are all women asexual?")

Asexuals and sex

Do asexual people have sex? • Why do asexual people have sex? • How can you like sex and be asexual at the same time? • Do asexual people masturbate? • Do asexual people like kissing?

Asexuality in society

Are asexual people LGBT? • Are asexual people straight? • Do asexual people experience oppression? • Why do asexuals feel the need to come out? • Why do asexual people need to label themselves? • Why do asexual people wear sexy clothes / makeup? • Why does representation matter?

Asexuals and relationships

How can you have a relationship without sex? • What's the difference between a QPR and a romantic (non-sexual) relationship? • Should I tell my partner that I'm asexual? • How can I convince my partner I still love them? • My partner is asexual. Should we break up?

On the nature of allosexuality

What does sexual attraction feel like? • What does arousal feel like? • How often do allosexuals think about sex? • What is love? • Why does sex sell?

Advice

Am I broken? • Should I come out as asexual? • How can I relate to / interact with allosexuals? • How can I be less angry / upset? • How can I become asexual? • How can I support asexuals?

Other

I'm writing an asexual character. What should I consider? • Isn't the term 'allosexual' offensive?

by CheCheDaWaff

253

4mo

The 2024 Ace Community Survey is openSurvey

acecommunitysurvey.org/2024/06/01/the-2024-ace-community-survey-is-now-open/

by CheCheDaWaff

17h

I’m not aceStory

hi y'all! i joined this subreddit a couple years ago, thinking i was ace. y'all have been such a supportive community and that was probably the reason it was so easy for me to discover i'm NOT ace. it took me a while, and i'm still trying to figure out what i am, but i wanted to say thank y'all for being so supportive and amazing. keep it up!

by Important_Cap5963

Is there a term for someone who likes the idea of sex, and is attracted to it, in theory, but finds it gross in practice?Questioning

Because I think that's about where I am. I'm okay with discussions of sexuality, and find sexy things aesthetically pleasing, but if it ever came down to actually doing it, I'd find it kind of gross. I don't know, I was watching the adult film that the lostwave song "Everyone Knows That" is in, because I was curious about the context it was in, and it's used in the background of a very explicit sex scene that I thought was really quite disgusting. I always though I was sex indifferent, but now I'm not so sure.

by thewalkindude

Hey all, thought you peeps would enjoy a lil ace chicken & egg! 💜🤍🩶🖤Pride

1/5

by Taffy-Giggleberry

224

16h

Where are all my sandwich aces at?Questioning

Sure, we got garlic bread and cake asexuals, but I rarely ever see anyone who is ace and likes sandwiches.

by YasutakeSakiko

Happy Pride!Pride

1/2

by MagnificentMimikyuaroace

“Asexuals are ahead of the sexuals” 😂Story

I heard someone say this on a live stream and thought it was the funniest and most accurate thing I’ve heard. 😂

by TK_zora_law

Shoutout To All Of The Aces Spending This Pride Month In The Closet.Pride

Like me lol.

by bill_cluntona-spec

Omg probably a common complaint butnsfwDiscussion

i am SO done with my libido, so done! Like today it just decided to switch itself on just randomly and it felt so awkward, like my body was saying "im hooorny" and im like "OKAY HORNY FOR WHAT???" and my body's like "IDK"

Like seriously cmon, its so annoying and feels gross. While I do have sex positive views I am still sex repulsed and I hate this

by Forsaken-Spray4727

I love my shirt very much, this shirt was given to me by my boyfriend as a giftPride

by Faruk_420

22m

hey hey hey happy pride month, fellow acespecs!! 🏳️‍🌈Pride

by HappyHammy7aegromantic/aegosexual

330

21h

Garlic bread!Discussion

by WorkingGirl1998

I came out to my parents today Story

As the title says, I came out as aroace to my parents today. It was the most nerve wracking thing I've done, who'd have thought that performing a juggling act in front of about 800 people would be less stressing 😅. I'm glad to report that my parents responded well 😃

by IOKrIa-spec

Happy Pride Y’all ♠️Pride

by AuraGuardian9825|Demi Dude

10h

Have you ever convinced yourself you were something you weren’t? (Tw: porn)nsfwStory

Joining this community has taught me a lot about myself and how I feel about sex, but for the longest time I couldn’t quite figure out where I got because while sex disgusted me, I still went back to porn quite frequently. Addiction, habit, high libido, I wasn’t quite sure what it was for a while, and I honestly had no clue why I even continued with it in the first place since I recall being disgusted to the point of nearly gagging the first time I saw the real thing.

The real thing never really grew on me, but just like anything else, I got myself more used to it over time. I wound up going back to the non-real (audio, drawn, animated, etc.) versions no matter how many times I tried, because there was always something at least a little more comfortable with it. For years now, I’d been consuming and consuming and consuming almost every single day, even since I realized I was Ace, but I still couldn’t find out why even as I learned more about myself and the new label I found to describe my true feelings.

And finally, about a week ago, spurred on by a conversation I had in my last post here, I asked myself a question I should have asked long ago, that I needed to ask but probably didn’t have the strength to when I wasn’t as confident in my identity: why exactly was I watching it, and what exactly was it that kept me coming back?

It was like a switch flipped in my mind, and I just couldn’t see anything the same way. I couldn’t find porn enjoyable, and I couldn’t recognize what made someone (real or fictional) attractive, what made them so “appealing” to me in the past. And just as immediately, I had a thought, as I reflected on where I started and how I got to this point.

I’ve never been fond of porn, even from the start. I’ve never been attracted to the participants, the act, nothing. From the start, I’d only been trying to convince myself I was “normal”, and that I wasn’t disgusted by it. Originally it was also to convince myself I was straight, but when I realized the gender of the participants didn’t really matter to me, and that my parents were probably not as inflexible as I thought, it was to make sure I was at least “normal enough”, that even if I wasn’t straight, I could still be something close enough. I just couldn’t be someone who didn’t want or like sex in such a sex-crazed world.

But now I know better, I know that I don’t need to convince myself otherwise, that I can put an end to the feelings of disgust I’d get if I thought too hard about what I was watching, that I can be disgusted by sex and not be any lesser of a person, and that I can be content with who I am even if I despise something the rest of the world loves. There are still things I don’t know, like if I should stop completely or just use it on occasion to make sure I don’t end up ruining my clothes and sheets if my body decides against my wishes, or if I’ll still feel this way once I’m done dieting and my hormones have a chance to recover, but what I do know, is that I’m far more comfortable now than I was before.

by JustABigBruhMoment

How do I know if I am asexualNeed advice

It is the first time I post here and I am sorry if this is a dumb question but how do i know if i am asexual for sure. I have read the FAQ here that explains some traits that asexual people might have and i identify with some but there are things that still makes me unsure about if i am asexual or not. I have a partner but it happens that i dont start sex and i dont think i really enjoy it or think it is any better nor different than masturbation. I always assumed it was because it is my first sexual partner and i was maybe still unexperienced but after a while i still felt the same. Then I started thinking that I actually dont think I like sex and that probably I wouldnt enjoy it with another person, so that got me thinking that i might be asexual and started looking up info about asexuality but at the same time i thought that it couldnt be because i do enjoy masturbation. Then i ended up here looking for more info and like i said i feel identified with some traits explained in the FAQ but is there a way to now for sure ? Thanks for reading

by Frequent-Armadillo11

where are we?Discussion

by BusinessAd3933aroace

654

143

Painting for AroAce gfNeed advice

by Loose-Improvement979

12h

We are stronger together!Pride

by NeaIsACatBlack stripe asexual

18h

I’m doing an asexual AMADiscussion

by Webbtrain

353

Will I ever feel sexual attraction?Questioning

At what age do people usually start feeling sexual attraction? I'm 23 and I've been waiting for a really long time for it to happen for me, or is there something I have to do to unlock. Like a side quest? I've had sex, I'm okay with sex, but there's nothing more to it than that. Is this just how it's supposed to be? Feels like I'm missing out

by LuciferTeaParty

"You must have a deficiency"Aphobia

Tf is wrong with people? I'm pretty open about my asexuality, and I know that that can open me up to experiencing aphobia. Most of the time I can handle it, but this really made my blood boil. I was designing a Pride Month design for the chalkboard at work and he came in and was very nice and respectful about it. He asked if I'm part of the LGBTQ community and I confirmed that I'm asexual. All the pleasantness dropped from his face and he looks me dead in the eye and says "You must have a deficiency." I was taken aback and could only muster out "Excuse me?" He nods and turns toward the door. "Yeah, an estrogen deficiency. You should go see your gynecologist." Then he just leaves.

I've gotten people saying that I just need to try, that I don't know what I'm missing, that asexuality isn't real, etc. This one was just too far and it had me pissed for a good hour.

by MarbleManxxasexual

159

23h

aroace movie ideaStory

1/2

by roweclementine

I think I'm feeling romantic attraction to someone that is not my partnerNeed advice

My partner and I (both demi) have been together for 4 years. She's leaving the country in a few months and we are going to try to have a remote relationship, even though I don't love the idea.

The thing is, about 4 months ago I started to feel what I think is a romantic attraction to another person. I'm not physically attracted to them, but I think there is a little romantic feeling (not reciprocal, I'm sure they don't have any feelings for me). I'm very confused, because I don't know if I'm really starting to like this person or if my mind is just trying to replace my partner now that she's leaving. I don't know what I feel or what I have to do.

Obviously I need to talk to my partner about this, but I don't even know what I exactly feel for this third person or how to proceed with this situation. Transparency is a very important thing for me and I definitely want to talk about this with my partner, but there's also the fact that she would leave in 3 months knowing that I feel something for someone else. I still want to continue my relationship, she is the most important person in my life and I love her very much, and I don't want a relationship with the third person. In fact, I have tried to forget them and not maintain so much contact. Please, I need someone to tell me what to do, because i feel lost.

I hope I've explained myself correctly, English is not my first language. Let me know if there's something u need me to explain better.

by MaleficentPapaya3

Am I asexual or just afraid?nsfwQuestioning

I'm a girl, I'm 25 and I've been aware I'm bisexual for at least ten years, but these last two years I've started wondering if I might actually be biromantic and asexual. I had a 4-year relationship with a girl, and we got moderately intimate with each other, but while I did get horny, I didn't particularly like being touched and tended to try and avoid it, while I was happy to pleasure my gf. As of now, I'm single and I fear entering a new relationship also bc sex at some point would have to be on the table, but I don't really feel like it's a necessity for me. I prefer acts of nonsexual intimacy like cuddling, holding hands, sleeping next to each other. I do get horny (often) and I masturbate (also often) but I don't know if I would enjoy having sex with someone else. I'm also a bit grossed out when people talk about their personal experiences with sex, but I love reading smut in fanfictions. I don't know if I'm scared, or inexperienced, or a "virgin" (I know it's a social construct but in this case, just for explaining myself, I mean that I haven't had hererosexual penetrative sex). I feel confused and since it's pride month, I think I want to try and get some clarification on what I feel and what I am.

by NoticeOk4917

happy pride month! Discussion

send your ace ring recs!

I’ve been seeing us left out of a lot of posts this month. (Ahem potus skipping right to the I+) While it’s a little disheartening, it’s encouraging me to finally get something to wear.

I’m open to any merch you love

by bluebird8800