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May I ask what is a martyr in this context? Admittedly I've been thinking about it the more messages I get the more exhausted I become I'm not sure if its worth it to be collecting anything anymore.
He's threatened violence prior but I have no evidence of that anymore, I'm not sure if he's actually act on it or if its simply a tool to keep me closer out of fear. It's rather confusing to know what to do, a part of me feels like these messages will give him closure even if it hurts me to read them. It's not like he deserves it, far from it but.. I don't know.
A martyr generally tries to make you feel guilty. You broke me Left me at my lowest I don't belong anywhere I won't have a good life.
That is all on him. Not on you. But he tries to put it on you.
He messaged his ex wife who texted me claiming he was suicidal, he said and I quote "remember she made me do it." also found out that he was cheating on me the same week I had kept trying to leave, which just fueled my anger even further. I reached out after he had scared the ex wife, who he had ignored for hours. He was perfectly fine, not suicidal whatsoever (nothing new since he'd always threaten when I'd leave). A part of me hopes he actually does someday, would he doing everyone a favor. He denied the cheating even though I believe her wholeheartedly, he made a few backhanded comments about everything being my fault and leaving was apparently the worse crime I've committed so "if" he cheated I'd have deserved it.. According to him.
He's blocked on that platform too, I'm scared to check my emails because I'm so fragile, exhausted and downright in pain all over. I felt strong leaving him days ago but after talking? Now I feel weak and hurt all over again.
Hi. Go easy on yourself. You've done great leaving him but this is the hardest moment because you're going to be diving right into grief and question yourself. You can do it!
remember she made me do it
Absolutely impossible. Even if he killed himself, he would be the one who did it. It is his responsibility to get help and get healing, therapy, help, whatever. And to NOT put it on other people. This is part of the martyr thing - "Oh look how awful and hopeless I am and all because of you!" If you think he might do it at some point in the future, now is the time to do the emotional and mental work of making this not your fault so you don't take it on should it happen.
But I doubt it will - it is his attempt to exert control over you, or over his ex wife. Next time he threatens, call emergency services and have them do a wellness check on it. Treat it very business-like and take the emotion out of it. I bet he stops when he has to explain it to the paramedics or police.
And then he goes and cheats. I suspect looking for someone else to supply his emotional crutch. If he were truly at the point of being suicidal, I doubt he'd be out chasing women.
I'd be inclined to block his ex too. She has no business putting that on you. I wonder what she hoped to accomplish? Help him? Hurt you? It sounds like she is wrapped up in his pain too. You don't need that.
Could you ask a friend, preferably one who isn't linked to him, to look at the emails to see if there is anything valuable?
Do you have any actual need to talk to him? Financial entanglements? Shared custody of kids? Shared property? If not, my absolutely best advice is to cut him off. Block his email address (you can usually find a way to blacklist email through your email program). If you do not need to communicate with him, you have zero responsibility to do so. In fact, your responsibility now is to honour yourself and your healing, finding growth, looking to the future, and loving yourself through all of it. Letting him in is destructive to that goal.
At one point with my ex I actually set up an autorespond on her email address that send a reply back saying "This email address is no longer active" and then it forwarded her email to my junk folder. It was kind of fun thinking she'd just get a message saying my email wasn't working. Tee hee.
So here's another idea:
Find yourself a comfy spot, with a nice cup of coffee or tea, light a candle, and write down a list of all the awful things he's done and said, including threatening suicide. The insults, the control, the cheating, the nasty words.
Tuck that list away and when you are feeling weak, wondering whether you did the right thing, pull it out and take a look. It will help fortify your resolve to move on. It sure helped me in the worst moments.
You got this. Stay strong. You got yourself this far and you've been so courageous to do so.
Hugs if you want 'em!
🫂🫂🫂 Thank you so much for the kind words and support! Hugs were appreciated