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Would I be stupid if I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years for not having a ring yet?
Advice NeededSounds like you need to have a conversation with him. Tell him what you want, ask him what he wants. Figure out if those things match, then come up with a plan.
So your advice is… communicate.
I’m not mocking you. That’s awesome advice… and the solution for half the posts on here.
Yeah, I guess so hah. It just struck me as bizarre to go straight to considering a break up when it sounds like they’ve never had an explicit conversation on the subject. Hell, she could just ask him to get married and be done with it one way or another.
But at the very least a “yo I’m pretty keen to do this, I thought you were too but now I’m having trouble getting a read - where’s your head at?”
And put her concerns about timelines re. kids etc. on the table so they both have all the info before she blows everything up based on random inferences and guesswork.
In the same vein as how she has it set in her mind to wait a year and to plan the engagement for 2 years, she is living her life by advice she heard. She probably also heard that if they can't commit after x amount of time then cut loose.
I'm guessing she's like him and also has certain goals he wants to achieve before they get married. My brother-in-law dated his girlfriend for almost 10 years before they finally married because he wanted to wait until he had a successful job.
It’s a very interesting timeline she lays out, like everything is supposed to fit these exact lengths that she(?) decided long ago. “When we get engaged, the wedding is a year later. When we get married, we’ll have children a year after that.” You can plan life best you can, but life will also make plans without your input.
Exactly, it sounds like she basically was married in all but the ring and certificate for the past couple years. They share MAJOR assets together and live together and all that entails. If she is concerned about her fertility in her 30's no reason not to start trying on their wedding night.
If she is concerned about her fertility in her 30's no reason not to start trying on their wedding
Exactly. When she said:
Also, we both previously agreed to be married for a year prior to having kids to enjoy ourselfs
That confused me a bit. She said they've been together for 4½ years and moved in together after being together less than a year.
So they've been living together for the past 4 yrs or so. Sharing major assests as you mentioned.
This time they've been together is no different than the "year after they get married" OP and her BF want to enjoy except for a piece of paper.
It seems like OP is hyper focusing on the minutia/minute details of how she's envisioned her life to go.
And while having a plan and wanting your life to go that way isn't a bad thing, being so focused on following said plan to the letter could cause OP to lose a great relationship.
To me it seems she is focusing on advice she heard. It’s a general rule to plan for a long engagement and to wait a year. I wouldn’t be shocked in the slightest if she also wants a ring that’s 3 month’s salary (or is it 4) because the ring shops say that’s standard. Seriously, one of the most successful marketing ploys by DaBeers was getting you to believe a man is a cheapskate if he doesn’t spend thousands on a rock.
I wouldn’t be shocked in the slightest if she also wants a ring that’s 3 month’s salary (or is it 4)
Dang either I'm old or I haven't been keeping up on the latest. Because the last time I remembered hearing the saying about the cost of engagement rings it was two months salary. Lol. Yikes!
But I think you're right. Wherever OP got the "outline" for her life plan she's focusing too hard on adhering strictly to it. Rather than rolling with the changes and curveballs life inevitable throws at you.
Rather than worrying so much about the "plan" OP and their BF need to sit down and have a serious talk about their relationship and future.
Even if they've had a similar discussion in the past, it is obviously time to revist the discussion. Since people's desires and dreams and what they want out of life and when tend to change and evolve over time.
Even if you make 60k per year that’s still a $10,000. Imagine having to make loan payments on diamond weighing a gram. They had to use karats to make it feel less ridiculous.
Yep, communication and honesty are the key to any healthy relationship. Sit him down and ask him if he's going to propose because if he's having second thoughts about it, you should know about it so you can decide if you want to wait or move on with your life.
This one is particularly strange though. If you’re in this great relationship there shouldn’t even be any concern with having a talk.
Right? I personally wouldn't date anyone that long with no marriage but You should be able to ya know....have conversations with the person you sleep with.
My wife and I dated for like 6 years but met in college and wanted to get through that and established.
Now in my 40’s I couldn’t imagine dating for over 18 months without deciding to either secure it or end it. It’s age based on, but you shouldn’t be wasting each other’s time because it’s easy either.
When they say communication is KEY to a healthy relationship, they ain’t lyin!! 😮💨
Actually talking to your partner instead of Reddit? Insane evolution, couple meta will never be the same.
Honestly, it's amazing how many of these relationship posts on various subs can be solved with a sit down and honest talk. How can you want to be married to someone (or already be married) but are afraid to start a conversation with them that expresses how you really feel? And not in a "you always do this or that" accusatory way, just in a "I feel blah blah blah" way.
I just had a guy hit on me in a doctor's office waiting room and the guy was asking me if I'm interested in sex with him. Ummm no, you're freaking married, I saw your wife just go inside. Well she doesn't give me any, he says. I said have you talked to her about why? No he says. So instead of just talking to his wife he's asking strangers (and making me very uncomfortable) for sex. Dude was at least 20 years over my age so he seriously should know better.
Also, OP. If he does want to get married to YOU, make sure he's being genuine because you might just end up with a shut-up-ring.
idk why nobody else has said this yet
1000% this!
You need to -talk- to each other. Like, really talk about what you want in life (each of you) and what your plan/timing is to get there. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but you need to do it.
If you're on the same page, great! If you're not right now, but you can get aligned in a bit, great!
But if you're in completely different books - it's time to break up, sadly.
Past time, I would say. Sit down, make that 5 year plan, get that ring or bail on Mr. No Committment.
But she shouldn't quasi threaten him with this either using some propose or else linez where he only does it out of duress or fomo, but doesn't really want to. She just needs to set her own time limit and be done with it.
Yeh as soon as an ultimatum is on the table it's done. It has a be a solid 5 year plan that work for both of you including timeliness of proposal/marriage/kids otherwise you break up not "propose or were done 🔫" that'll only bring resentment on his part.
I agree. I would ask him what he wants first, though. My ex husband liked to mirror what I said I wanted even if it wasn't how he actually felt. It was a nightmare and ultimately led to our divorce. Don't give him any information to mirror. Ask him if he wants to get married and have kids, and if so - what his ideal timeframe looks like. Ask him because you truly want to know where he's at. He's already lied before when you were bringing what you wanted to him, he'll probably do it again if you approach this conversation the same. Try not to give him anything to go off of and try to get his actual feelings on this.
If he continues to tell you what you want to hear but nothing comes of it - leave. It's exhausting to live with a liar and wake up one day realizing you don't actually know this person.
Ugh that sounds so painful, I’m sorry you had to deal with that! Insincere agreement is way worse than disagreement, in my books.
Thank you. I'm with a wonderful man now who voices his real opinion on things, and we actually have real conversations. It's a really nice change of pace.
My ex still never fully got it. He resented me for leaving even years after our split. I guess he just expected me to be unhappy forever and never get to know the real him and his real opinions, and we were supposed to just play nice and pretend like he wasn't constantly lying to my face.
Agree, especially when dating nowadays suck big time. Per her own words he treats her well and they have a good relationship besides this. I would not settle for less than what I want, but I also would not just dump someone that has been a good consistent partner for years for lack of communication. Especially when her concern is about her age when she will finally try for a pregnancy..starting dating to try and find a new relationship now, then waiting for a marriage proposal from the new person, then planning a wedding with the new person and 1 year to enjoy themselves. She may be almost 40 by the time she achieves that with someone new, and that is also considering that the new person has a stable job and can afford their life together.
If they're on different timeliness she can dump him and move on.
She shouldn’t leave the man because he hasn’t given her a physical ring because “dating nowadays” lmfao you all deserve eachother.
This. I was with my boyfriend for five years and had a very specific timeline laid out because of my career. One day I turned to him and said hey if we wanna get married on the ideal timeline we really need to be engaged by the end of the summer. The ring came a few months later (he’d already started shopping) and the wedding is next week. Exactly on the timeline I had set out years ago. Communication and being clear with goals and expectations is the key to a happy relationship
Exactly! And that is how it’s done. Congratulations and good luck for next week, I hope you have a beautiful day ❤️
And tell him the who what when why how of your feelings and stuff. You have to explain the WEIGHT of it wifh stuff like this, not just jump to manipulative ultimatums or ghosting him?
I agree. He deserves to hear what you think. Just tell him even though you love him, you aren't willing to spend more time with him without a contract. Just explain your unborn kids are more important than he is. Let him know you'd be happy to have kids with someone else, as long as it's in the next three years. He should understand that your timeline doesn't really have anything to do with him. It's about benchmarks. And marriage by 30 is a benchmark that can't be missed. He'll understand where you're coming from, and he'll be relieved to hear it. Seriously, he'll be so relieved. Like Neo, in that one scene on the roof, where he's bending over backwards while he's getting shot at.
Sentiments like this are why so many women stay in relationships for decades with men who will never marry or have kids with them, because they let others convince themselves that having any desires of their own is selfish and means they don’t actually love their spouse.
Love isn’t enough to keep a long term relationship going, comparability and shared life goals are necessary.
Seriously. I didn’t “push a timeline” with my ex and when the relationship finally ended because he kept moving the goalposts, I was childless in my mid-forties. Having children is something that very much needs a timeline for women. Conveniently, men can wait and still have them.
Right. So annoying when your girlfriend has life goals that don't align with yours and even considers pursuing them. Also, getting sued and fired for malpractice is totally normal, happens to every man and always entirely out of the blue. Wives can't have an opinion on that. Whatever you say, bud..
Now THAT'S what I call sarcasm! 10/10.
OP, read this, take out the sarcasm, and then follow it. Captain here is absolutely correct even though he didn't mean to be.
Your timeline IS important. The contract IS important. Your unborn kids having young, healthy parents IS important. Making sure your life goals match up with your partners IS important. And even if he is the perfect man in every other way, and even if you are willing to wait another year to be with him... If you have this conversation with him and tell him it's very important to you and he has already agreed that it's coming but isn't willing to give you a timeframe... if he is straight up IGNORING YOUR DISTRESS about this issue, it's time to move on , he doesn't want the same things as you and is stringing you along.
Excellent sarcasm.
You need to have another conversation but google what a “shut up ring” is you don’t want to be engaged for 10 years
I had to google that. So embarrassed.
Yes apparently that’s what the mystery ring was for the doctor in above post that got pissed after she got tired of waiting for 5 years!
Exactly.
It seems like whenever she starts hinting around about engagement, he buys her something that will make her forget about the ring for a little while longer (the second dog, the expensive car, etc).
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat
OP wants a wedding. She already has a marriage. Sounds like someone who is going to be divorced six months after the wedding.
Respectfully, why are you telling us this? Go talk to your partner. If you can’t talk to them about this kind of thing then yeah, break up.
Right?!! I don’t get it.
Especially after 4-1/2 years
Right? If you can’t have a candid conversation about your needs / what you want for your future then you absolutely should not be getting married.
What baffles me the most is how she’d rather break up with him when clearly she has it all, a good husband, a house in both their names, etc. sounds like she’s very shallow and only wants a wedding because she was programmed since childhood to get married or simply because she wants the status to tell her friends she got engaged… for crying out loud. Even so, what’s more stupid is how she’d rather break up with him before talking with him about it. She should just talk and figure it out with him, if they’re not on the same page then yeah break up, but OP will regret it, throwing a good relationship out the window purely because she isn’t married yet. I’ve known couples who have been together for decades and some didn’t even get engaged and they are just as much happily together as a married couple, social media and traditional mindsets are ruining people.
Have a straight forward conversation with him about your feelings. Y’all have basically done everything but get married at this point.
Ask him what his timeline is on marriage and kids. Seriously. You can just ask. You can then decide whether you are willing to wait. If he says he doesn't know then I feel like that's your answer. Share your timeline with him and tell him that you have goals in life. Have a conversation about it. Don't give ultimatums. If his timeline doesn't match up with yours and he doesn't seem willing to compromise consider leaving.
My timeline for kids was start trying at 25 because three generations of women in my family had hysterectomies at 30. I told my husband this and he agreed. We had two kids before 30. I haven't needed a hysterectomy, but that was my timeline. Don't wait. Ask him.
Buddy. What sense does it make to "be married for a year to enjoy ourselves". Hello? Girlie? You've been together for several years already "enjoying yourselves".
Hahahaha this is all I could think too!!!! You’re already acting like you’re married. Why do you need a year post marriage to “enjoy yourselves”
Some people think being married is different from being in a relationship and living together/doing everything together already. They think some magical switch turns on and your life changes after you get married.
It’s literally just a piece of paper that makes half of everything you own legally someone else’s lol.
Almost everyone I know noticed a difference after getting married. Because not everyone sees marriage as "just a piece of paper".
True but i think the point he is making is by time most people tie the knot they have already been living like they were married for years so the marriage certificate seems a technicality and guarantees nothing. i guess it's psychological and maybe for legal reason
You could speed things up by a lot if you have a tiny wedding with 1 bridesmaid and a best man. 40 guests max. My husband and I set a tiny budget and kept to it. I even made my dress.
But first you need to have a discussion with your bf. Just outline your concerns.
This. Sounds like she needs a perfect fairytale wedding. 2 years?
What the hell?
And then a year ‘to enjoy themselves’. Don’t they enjoy themselves now? Why not? Sounds like they aren’t doing it right if that is the case
My husband and I were married for 5 years before having kids for the same exact reason, even though we were together for 3 years before kids. We wanted to be "just us" as a married couple for a while, granted, we married young and weren't in a hurry. We just had our 3rd baby last year, have been married for 16 years (our oldest is almost 10) and we are soooo glad we took time before starting a family.
I know, right??
Like living together in a house they bought together with shared finances. Married in all ways but the legal way. Marriage is important but it won’t change the “enjoyment”
I agree. It’s just one f cking day. The marriage, hopefully, will last decades. Going on 51 now.
I planned a really nice wedding in seven months at a vineyard and winery in a tiny town. We had the Italian restaurant next door cater, and the florist, photographer, dj, baker, etc. drove in from the nearby major city where we lived. It’s very doable if you inhabit the real world.
There were seven people at our wedding. Total.
We're still enjoying each other's company more than thirty years later.
Look up sunk cost fallacy, that should help you make a decision
Seems like adaptation would work here. They’ve basically had a married life for years now, so they don’t necessarily need to be married for a year and a half before having kids. Also, a wedding doesn’t need to take 2 years…
This is what i was thinking, why do you need a year after marriage to “enjoy yourselves “ like you haven’t been living together as a married couple?
OP is trying to write her own story-line. The majority of humanity hasn't lived comfortable enough to go without compromises and sacrifice. I would question the characters and relationships of those that don't have to.
I would think the paths forward would be apparent with 5 years invested. The parties involved are in a good position to know the value of their relationship.
I wonder how much is her storyline vs what others impressed upon her. That everyone tells her she needs to be married a year, but the people giving that advice may not even lived together before they were married.
I didn’t live with my wife before I met her and we wanted to wait a year but she was already over 30 and wanted several kids and her biological clock was ticking HARD. We got pregnant within the first 4 months. So I would tell people wait a year because we didn’t get to live together just us that long. OP did, so that advice doesn’t apply to her.
My sister and her wife are outliers for sure, but they decided to get married two weeks before they did.
It was five weeks for us. No proposal or anything. We sat on the couch and I asked “Do you want to get married? He said yes, do you? I said yes, when should we? And he got out his calender. I originally asked just to start opening discussions but he immediately started planning and I just went with it.
No romantic proposal, no engagement party, no ring, but also no waiting, no stress, and we’re very happy that we have each other. Years later he still absolutely beams when he is talking to someone and starts his sentence with “my wife”.
No proposal or ring can beat being married to a man who really wants to be married to you.
Same here. We bought a house together, moved out of state, and had been living here for 4 months, so I just asked him, "Hey, when do we want to get married? Let's pick a date now." Looked at the calendar, we decided to go with a fun non-formal holiday type date. I gave him a list of options (St Patty's Day, Cinco d'Mayo, etc), and he picked April Fool's Day - less than 4 months away. I was like, ok, sounds good! No engagement ring yet, no proposal, and no stress! I picked out my ring set a week or 2 later, and we just went to the courthouse on said date and made it official! No regrets 14 yrs later (and we still live in the same house)!
id like him to look up what that means as well. i think we know where this is going…good observation!
I also want OP to think about the sunk cost of having done all the housework so that he can earn more at work, because in many places, if you break up without a ring, they'll break up the ownership in the house into who paid for what. So he's paid for a lot more of the mortgage repayments so he'll have more equity in the house if you split, but part of the reason he can work his way up the ladder is he has somebody at home cooking his meals and doing his laundry.
OP, you were smart not to pay into his mortgage if you weren't on the title of the house, and it may work differently where you are, but just be careful about doing too much work for somebody where if you break up, he's in a much better position than you.
It seems like he’s the one with sunk cost. What has she sunk into it?
If he doesn't want to marry you by this stage in the relationship, are you willing to spend several more years in the same situation without resentment?
Why wait a year to get pregnant after you are married? Its not like your life is going to change from what it currently is.
If being a mother is your biggest motivator, I think you need to find out if he really wants kids. If you're having sex, probably more that half of pregnancies are an ooopsy. Have you had a serious discussion if that happens or are you going to be accused of baby trapping him?
You're NTA, but you need to decide whats truly important in your life. You might not get everything you want. So you have to decide what you can't live without.
I know a lot of women do it, but I wouldn't ever recommend having kids with someone who won't commit to you. That's almost a certainty that you'll be a single mother.
Surely is. It's really stupid as s*it to do (to me).
Having kids is more of a lifetime decision than marriage. U can divorce or have an annulment. U have kids , it's a forever tie. If a person doesn't want to spend their lives with you, they sure as hell shouldn't make a baby together.
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18d
How about you talk to him? You’re at the point where you’re planning the rest of your life, so just have an honest conversation with your partner about each of your goals and personal timelines.
You should try watching the Sex in the City episode about men being like taxi cabs running around picking up and dropping off fares. Then one night they put their light on… the next great fare that they pick up, they keep.
Now, it’s just a highly variable 1990s TV show. But there is some good truth to it. Watching all my friends get married in their early 30s, they went from dating to married really fast. Now, if your bf is currently finishing up some big other commitments (eg grad school, key professional stages in his career, etc) then I can understand the waiting. But otherwise, I don’t get it.
Btw, a lot of the women that my buddies married recently came out of long to very long live-in relationships. And they found someone else who wasn’t ambivalent about making them their priority or giving them a ring.
Marriage is rarely easy. It has many many ups and many many downs. Children stress them even more. But if you have a partner you respect, who shares your deep deep values and priorities, then it can be the most rewarding thing ever.
Good luck however this turns out.
From my experience, men know what they want. If he wants to marry you, he would have proposed already.
If you break up with him he will propose. "I promise I'll buy you a ring we can get married" etc. Don't take this as a good thing. He just doesn't want to change the status quo. He may even resent you after marriage because he never wanted it.
He may even get married to his next girlfriend really quickly. Because he got a reality check. Don't take this personally.
Talk to him. Ask him about marriage and kids. Don't let him weasel his way out of it. Ask him why he hasn't proposed. "I'm not ready yet" is not an answer. That's the same as "I don't want to".
Marriage is not a big deal anymore. You have almost the same rights as civil partners which you are if you live under the same address.
He doesn't want to put in the effort, and maybe he is waiting for something better? Who knows.
But communication is key. Maybe time went by really quick? Proposing is pretty much free. You can be engaged for ages but at least the intent is there.
This is so true. I met my wife and we started seriously dating within a couple months. By 6/7 months we were living together, a few months after that I proposed and maybe 4-5 months after that we had a courthouse wedding. I can honestly say I met my soulmate, my best friend, my lover and the most amazing and beautiful woman in the entire world. I knew within those first 6 months that I wanted to marry her too! But I never strung someone along for years, the longest relationship I had before my wife was close to 3 1/2 years. But it was on and off from age 19-23, neither of us was ready for marriage at that point.
I obviously can’t speak for all men, but in my case like I said I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to marry my wife. Other women I dated just didn’t “click” after some time, so the relationships ended. I don’t really understand people who are together for years and years and don’t get married. Although I know there are other reasons people don’t get married besides not wanting to fully commit obviously.
It was the same with my husband and me. We both knew really early on where we were headed, and everything fell into place. I wasn’t surprised when he proposed to me because we knew we would get married, and I knew he would propose soon. We’ve been on the same page since our second date.
"since i know he wants marriage" based on what? maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, maybe he does but just not to you.
time to have some real conversations about what you both want
You can break up with anyone for any reason. Here’s a wild idea: propose to him, and gauge his reaction. If he still balks at the idea of marriage, move on with your life.
I was gonna comment this. "Should I break up with him because he hasn't proposed?" If you want to marry him.. tell him that.. perhaps by proposing.
No way this person who needs 2 years to plan their wedding is going to propose themselves and ruin their fairytale life.
Lol i don’t think it would take two years to “plan” a wedding I’m just being realistic ( from what we have discussed and the area we live in) venues book up quickly and we both have large families to accommodate. I have no fairy tale life. we have discussed venues before and the ones he has mentioned have a wait list. I couldn’t care less about where/when a wedding is. He’s actually much for particular than myself when it comes to these things. I just want that commitment that we have already discussed.
Don’t let anyone here try to guilt you into changing your plans. This is all very realistic. M
If commitment is all you want, you can just elope or go to the city hall and get marriage done. He could be planning the cost of the wedding already that’s why it’s taking him some time.
This is a good idea. It will force the issue. My son went with a girl for four years, lived together, but wouldn't commit. I think he regrets it now.
if nothing happened dramatic when they lived together then yeah he’s kicking himself
Yeah, I was together with my BF for 8 years. We both knew we wanted marriage and he was taking his sweet time proposing... So after our kid had turned 1 I decided to do it myself. He was surprised, but happy. Turns out he couldn't decide on the ring and that was his holdup... I never cared about about it so I never got an engagement ring. And to be fair for me the wedding ring is enough, I love wearing it!
Sometimes men are just clueless. The outpouring commentary here is right, I think. Talk to your partner!
Why not sit down with him and tell him that you would like the two of you to get married in the spring/summer/fall of 2025 (whatever your preference) and how does he feel about that? Then either start the wedding planning process while he ring shops or go without an engagement ring and just pick out a nice wedding band of your choosing.
No need to take 2 years to plan a wedding. I planned a very nice wedding for 100 in a large American city in 5 months. No need to wait long after marrying before getting pregnant either when you’ve already been together 5+ years at that point. Stop putting your life on hold while hoping for what your boyfriend may or may not do. Take some ownership of your life.
Exactly. I planned my wedding with a modest budget in 4-5months. Could have done it sooner if our schedules worked out. Who needs 2years to plan a wedding?????
if we got engaged right now it would take 1-2 years for the wedding that we would both want
What are you doing, building the venue?
I would talk to him about the timeline.
Just sit down and low pressure say
“I’m 27. If you propose and we have a year long engagement, I’ll be 28-29. If we wait another couple of years to have kids, we’re looking at me being 31+ for our first child. We need to have a conversation about what we want our future to look like.”
I feel you. I am 28. I sat down with my boyfriend and we had like a 4 hour conversation. I told him that I want to be married in the next 2-3 years. After that, house, then kids. That was my timeline. I'm very against buying a house with someone you're not married to because of assurance issues. With your name on the house, you're on the line for a loan with an ex which hell no. If you pass away in a car accident he wouldn't get your half of the house. Your next of kin will. It's too messy for me.
Anyway, we sat down and I laid out my timeline and had a conversation with him on how he feels about that timeline. We also discussed wedding size and what kind of ring I want.
Sit down with him and have an honest conversation. If you're worried about fertility, go get fertility tests just so you have a clearer picture.
If i were to die he would get the house because it is also in his name and vice versa. If my name WASNT on the house ( like he originally wanted) and he were to die the house that i have lived in for the last 4 years would go to his next of kin. So smarter to have both our names on it in that since. If we break up we sell the house or one of us buys the other out.
On one hand, if you talk to him about it, it will seem like an ultimatum. But if you don't talk to him about it and just dump him, you run the chance of losing him forever just because he needed another month or two to scrape up the cash for the ring. I'm not sure what you should do, but you would not be stupid to leave because he's not meeting your needs. Tough spot. You want complete confirmation, which will spoil whatever surprises he has in store. But them again, what if there is no surprise coming?
Ultimatums are ok in the situation where they actually are the truth ("I'm ready to walk away if we don't have the same values about this") versus a manipulation tactic. Maybe they shouldn't be called an ultimatum in that situation but it's always astounding to me when people are more ready to walk away from someone they love than just talk about something that is a deal breaker for them
Have you even read your own post?
You state part of your major concern is having kids and and you expect even if he proposed now it'd take 1-2 years to get married, plus another year of enjoying the marriage before having a kid....
How is separating from this guy and starting all over from scratch gonna speed that process up?
If you want to be married and you're waiting for him to propose to you you may have to wait a long time. If you want to be married you can propose to him and his answer will tell you what to do.
Why do you need to wait a year after getting married to try and have kids? You said it is to enjoy yourselves, but you are basically already living as a married couple now. Having a ceremony and signing documents doesn’t sound like it will change your day to day life one bit.
When was the last time you talked about the timeline and / or kids ?
Also when is your next annual obgyn appt ? And would you consider taking the modern fertility test
Just recently his mother made a comment about when we are getting married and i made a 👀face. Then when we got home he said do you want to marry me i said yes of course lol. Speaking of OB I am actually a carrier for cystic fibrosis. I told him if we wanted to have kids he would need to be tested, if he was also a carrier then we would have to do IVF or adoption $$$.
Have a smaller but lovely wedding in a nice setting. 2 years to plan a wedding? Too much time and probably too elaborate. Get married in the fall or winter and have a themed seasonal wedding. Get going with your life.
I sat in a relationship for 6 years. When I put down the request for some sense of direction he froze. We limped on for a little while but I eventually left him.
I'm now married with a beautiful kid. Hubby and I have been together for ten years. The time moves differently than it did in that previous relationship.
Really think about where you see yourself in three years. Do you see him there? Would he see you there?
I think you would regret leaving someone you’re in love with over a proposal. I would talk to him and express your concerns. Communication can solve most problems
“When we are married the house will be half yours anyways” that’s not how martial assets work in a lot of areas. In a lot of areas it’s only “half yours anyways” if yall buy it as a married couple. Premarital assets are almost NEVER considered equitable property in the unfortunate event of divorce or death.
Good thing it’s in both your names anyways.
Have a conversation about how you have wife responsibilities without the legal benefit of marriage. There is more legal protection for married couples than unmarried couples. After all, the entire reason why the LGBT community fought so hard for marriage equality was for those rights that are only afforded to married couples
Please consider bringing up a prenuptial agreement that returns what each of you contributed to the relationship in the most equitable manner because he could also be viewing this as a gold digger situation. Assure him that you could have a clause that you’d get back only what you put in and come to an agreement on how that looks (for instance even if you might only be contributing 30% to expenses perhaps 35-40% back in case of divorce would be fair considering the labor you’ve put into the house maintenance. That could be considered a fair evaluation of your unpaid labor/efforts, but that’s something to discuss)
Honestly my husband told me he knew he was going to marry me by the second date. He proposed a year in, we got married a year later. He had been in a couple 3+ year relationships and said he never thought about marriage and told the other girls it just wasn’t his thing. If this guy wanted to marry you he would. 5 years is a lot of time to invest and to leave without at least an ultimatum. Let him know that him lying about getting married in the fall really shook your trust in his intentions. Tell him it’s non-negotiable at this point, he either proposes by the end of the year or it’s over. Obviously talking to him is not helping he needs to realize he’s losing you. Good luck 👍
You are worried that you are, in essence, his "practice" wife. This is a legitimate concern. If this is indeed the situation, he may not even consciously recognize his behavior. He is still a young man.
The best you can do is have a non-confrontational discussion based out of love.
Just ask him what his intent and timelines are.
Tell him he can trust you with his honesty. I feel like you're up to it.
I think he's a bit young for all this. My sons are his age. I got married at 22. Very young.
It's about being concerned about being strung along. I understand that.
Talk to him today.
Best of luck to you.
"My concern is a lot of the females in my family have had issues with getting pregnant and by the time we start trying I will be 30+ and could potentially take a while to get even get pregnant"
This is a very real and understandable concern and one that too many commenters aren't giving enough credence to. I had two friends in a similar predicament. One of them waited for her guy to finally be ready to put a ring on it and unfortunately she was 32 when she got married and every year that passed where pregnancy didn't happen became a huge strain on the marriage. She couldn't let go of the feeling that it was his fault she couldn't conceive because he waited too many years to finally marry her and there was a lot of resentment. She's now 36 (mid 30's is considered a geriatric pregnancy in medicine as fertility drops significantly at age 27 and then again at 35)
My other friend in the same predicament decided she would just "accidentally" get pregnant at 27 and that ended up finally getting her boyfriend of 6 years to propose to her. She didn't do it for the proposal. She did it because she wasn't going to be one of those women who lost out on their dreams of parenthood and family just because a man decided he was too scared to commit. Though I don't condone this type of dishonesty they are actually much happier in their relationship than the other friends who haven't been able to conceive.
The most tragic example I know of was a woman who kept waiting based on the promises that her boyfriend kept making. As the years went by, in her 30's not only did he not marry her or have kids with her (because she was waiting for the ring), but he ended up leaving her for another woman and ended up having kids with that woman. The other lady ended up never having any children and she never let go of her resentment towards her ex for that either.
This is exactly how i feel. I don’t care about the timelines rings/ proposal and fancy weddings like everyone is saying. Unfortunately my eggs are getting old and both of us want children together! He wants to be married first and i of course have no problem with that but he’s not the one that has to go through pregnancy
The chance of getting pregnant only drops from 50 % per attempt to 40 % per attempt after the age of 27. And then goes down by another 10 % after 35. It is statistically significant, but it is not as dramatic if you're willing to have more attempts later. You could also make and freeze your embryos now if you are too concerned about your fertility later, but still want to enjoy some more time now without kids. Modern medicine let's you have your cake and eat it too. Of course it costs some money.
Marriage is just a legal contract. Go get married at a court house and then have your ceremony later.
Zero point in waiting 1-2 years after getting “engaged” when you have already been together 4 1/2 years.
As others have said what is the point in waiting more time after marriage to have kids.
With your time line it’s going to be another 4-5 years before you even have your first kid.
You need to sit down and have an honest discussion with him.
I don’t think you’d be wrong to walk away. I think by 4 1/2 years (actually I think more like by 2 or 3 years) you either know it’s a yes or a no. If he has no intention of marrying you, he needs to let you go to find someone else who will give you what you want and deserve.
As someone who put marriage on a pedestal, I can say after the wedding I realized it didn’t change anything. We’ve been happily married for four years and now I think how silly it was for me to be so obsessed with marriage.
I also regret how much energy I wasted on the anxiety and timeline I had for every milestone in my life. I didn’t get married by the age I wanted to and I didn’t get pregnant by the age I wanted to and instead of enjoying my time at the time, I obsessed over what I didn’t have.
My honest advice is to just enjoy your life and relationship for what it is and don’t put so much pressure on anything.
And yet I know plenty of women who did the opposite and didn't obsess over these things yet wish they had. It's very possible that you don't realize that it's because you obsessed over these things that they ended up happening at all.
One of the biggest mistakes I see women make is assuming all these things will just fall into place "eventually". The stress you put yourself under may have been worth it.
I think that if you have a lovely relationship and love each other very much, he does not become a villain because he is not ready to propose or if he never proposes.
It sounds like you have a great guy (great guys are hard to find) and you are willing to throw him away because your timeline is not being met. Get rid of the fairy tale picture you have in your head and live in the loveliness that you have. How is that not enough? Women search for what you have their whole lives. You have it. Cherish and enjoy.
yes it would be stupid. 4 1/2 years with someone, y’all have a house together, cars together, animals together, a whole life built and you’re willing to throw that all away and start over with someone else? go another 4 1/2 years or MORE just to get a ring and start trying for a family? 4 1/2 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
talk to him and tell him you’re ready now and if he isn’t then you need to reassess your relationship. there’s a big chance he’s saving to get you the ring you want and it’s not cheap and can take years to achieve.
don’t be stupid OP. you’re willing to throw away so much because you’re not getting your way within your time frame and life just doesn’t work like that.
If you are questioning walking away over this do you actually even like him lol
For some people, marriage isn't the 'be all end all' to commitment. You can happily be committed to someone without a piece of paper saying so. How many married couples cheat and divorce? Marriage literally means nothing for commitment, hell, him buying you a car and having your name on the house is a bigger commitment than marriage is. You also neglect the fact that if you break up, what certainty is there that you're married and have kids faster than otherwise? Loads of people go 6-10 years without getting married and this is becoming more common, the old mindset of 'must be married in x years to show you care' means absolutely nothing.
Maybe try sit down with your partner and discuss the importance of this all to you, have you mentioned that you want kids etc? Do you know if he does? Do you know his 5 year plan? Try actually talking.
Are you trolling us with this “wifely duties” line, or was that other post, today? Call it “housework” or something. “Wifely duties” gives grown men the ick.
4.5 years of dating and age 27 is not late to get engaged. Yes, conceiving a baby takes time. My wife and I had trouble. I get it. I also get that it’s great to have more energy parenting. You just need to talk to him about your concerns.
A Diamond is a massive purchase, and nobody teaches men how to even find a good one. Clarity, karats, shape, etc. - it’s a giant gamble to pick one that will be good, is a good investment, and the fiancée loves for wearing everyday for the rest of her life. Talk to him about the rings you like just like you stood up for putting your name on the house.
Rings are expensive, weddings are more expensive, and babies are even more expensive. He might just want to be in a better place financially, especially after buying a house and car.
If you break up, you will have to find a new BF, and the dating pool is not as great as it seems. Did you know almost half of men surveyed admit to strangers that they do not wash their hands after wiping their butts? Even if you meet a great guy right away, the new guy may want to wait 5 years to get engaged. Men don’t really have the biological clock ticking thing.
Diamond are never a good investment! They are actually a relatively common gem made scarce artificially by a monopoly! If you ever try to resell it you will never get even close to its original purchase price! (I still got a diamond ring for my wife when I proposed, and also other diamond based jewellery, but I never deluded myself in thinking it was an “investment”… I did it because it makes her happy)
I think you should have a serious talk first. You two met in a very transitional time in your life. Very possible he’s planning something, very possible he sees it as something to do later in life. Just talk to him about it. Don’t push him into something he doesn’t want, just ask him
Talk. To. Him. My wife and I picked out her ring together, you’re making a lot of assumptions with the talk to your friends bit.
It's absolutely unreal that online strangers projecting their bitterness and jealousy and talking down to you (someone said "Honey, you're not listening", barf) can ruin a relationship they know nothing about.
OP, don't let these jealous people ruin a possibly good relationship before you talk about it with your s/o. Just make sure to communicate clearly what you want and need, and listen to what he wants and needs. And if those plans align, and you can provide those things for one another, and you love one another, and you're both happy, then it's all fine. Nothing you have said here gives any remote indication that your relationship is bad. It just seems like he's either nervous to change the way you guys live, or nervous to propose because he is being a perfectionist about it. Give love a chance. Talk with him.
Thank you for being kind. He’s a good man. we have talked about it many times. I’m sure it’s gonna happen soon lol
Take him into a store and show him the rings you want and try some on so he can get an idea and your size.
Then ask him what he wants and have him try on too....
Hopefully you guys will have a conversation after and see where he's at.
I will say, paper can cause more headaches but you guys already own a house together....
Amazed the amount of women that move fast with a guy including moving in, buying big things together and taking on spousal roles for many years, then amazed when the guy still hasn't popped the question. That aside, he actually sounds like he may have some signs of being serious. However, you obviously can't keep going this way forever (including a lengthy engagement, which I wouldn't bother doing tbh). This said, would have a serious conversation with him/maybe set up something conditional or a timeline (depending on how he'd react)/go from there. Best.
My ex broke up with me cause we never got married.
We lived together and were together for 10 years. I followed her across the country for her to chase her dream career. Shut down a multi six figure a year business for her to do that.
All our bills in our names together. Our entire lives were together. We were basically married.
She broke up with me via text message and ran off with someone she met a week earlier. Her reasoning was "we aren't married". We had an amazing life together. Both were truly happy with each other. Never fought or argued. But she just one day said fuck it I'm done and left and used that as an excuse.
I actually had a proposal planned out and a ring picked out right before she did everything. She even helped me plan the trip for her proposal that never got to happen.
Then she came back after her 2 weeks of being with the new guy and said She "didn't know what she wanted anymore"
If you want marriage. I suggest actually sitting down and talking with him. It's a conversation we never had and one I wish we had before she used it as an excuse to leave me and ruin a actually really good relationship.
Communication it literally everything.
If she would had just sat me down and said "look I want to get married" I would of told her we can get married any time.
it's ok to have a plan. it's also ok if your plan is not his plan. talk to him, not reddit.
So you’re going to throw it all away just because you don’t have a ring ? That seems silly and selfish . Yet he appears to be fully committed to the relationship from what you have stated in your post.
He knows you want marriage but you have both continued on with life….his way. Only you decide what you’re willing to put up with. Don’t keep putting what you want aside to maintain the peace.
He's marriage baiting you. If he wanted to, he would. Have the frank conversation about your desires, but really.... Do you think being married to someone who had to be forced into proposing is gonna be a good time long term?
As judge Judy would say, you're playing married without BEING married. And you've given him all the perks of marriage without the commitment. If a new car lot offered to let your boyfriend drive a brand new car for free, with no payment ever due- just pay for gas and insurance- would he voluntarily sign up to pay for it? Probably not. If they said the car had to be turned in and he had to choose: either buy and pay for it, or let it go and turn it in, what would he do? Depends. But you're creating a common law situation where you are creating a bunch of financial entanglements it'll be hard to walk away from, yet if you or he were in the icu and had to make end of life choices, you couldn't do it easily (in most cases) because you're not legally married. Get wise and either de-couple yourself or make it legal.
You’re giving him “wife privileges” without being married. Many men will happily reap these benefits for 10+ years and never actually propose because they already have all the things they would get if you are married, so they don’t want to get married. You are already “being his wife” just without the legal stuff. So not saying your bf is doing this, but many many men will lead a woman on for yearrsss saying they will marry you, but they will never actually propose because you already live with him, cook for him, pay his bills, wash his clothes, etc. then watch, the second these relationships end he gets married to the next girl within 6 months! You need to have a serious talk with him because from what you said here, he isn’t serious about ever actually marrying you.
I think he’s trying to make you feel secure by your name on the house and car. I believe that when it’s time he will propose. Maybe he wants it to be a perfect surprise proposal. If your relationship is good then your marriage proposal will come. I waited 10 years for mine!
You’re a place holder. Might be a nice place To stay. But still temporary.
You need to have a conversation with him about it, and based on his responses, you need to decide whether or not you want to continue on with him. Right now, you're doing all of this with no legal protections.
You have it good right now, but imagine in five, ten, or even twenty years, say something happens and you break up. You've given up your life for "wifely duties," and you have no career, no experience, no resume, and you're a middle aged woman applying for entry level jobs over fresh grads. Now imagine you got kids, and you're a single mother on top of all that.
You don't get half of his assets if you split. Everything he's earned while you were together is his. Chances are, even as it is he's going to ask you to sign a prenup before marriage , so all the time you've already invested is for naught. You won't get alimony. You'll have to subsist on a part time job and stretch his child support payments.
Marriage is a legal contract for a reason. If you're going to be a SAH wife and possibly a mother, you need its protections.
You're 27 right now. If he's not going to propose, I'd at least highly highly encourage you to get a job, and do you damndest not to get pregnant. Sounds like this man's just riding out his time with you. He gets the best of both worlds: A wife to take care of him and complete financial protection. There's zero reason for him to marry you unless you push for it.
To me, this has nothing to do with him proving his love with a ring or any of the other petty or emotional reasons that others are applying to your motivations. This is where you choose how worry-free and secure of a life you want. If you don't and you're just a live in, SAH girlfriend, you won't be very well financially capable of leaving later.
Yes, 10000%.
No offense meant here, but I was with my SO for 16 years and left, not having a ring heavily factored into that. Over a year later, this is now my perspective:
Maybe I didn’t have a ring, but I spent every day with my best friend. He knew me inside and out. He took care of me (and I took care of him, too, of course). He loved me for who I was. He respected me. I’d take never getting married if it meant I still had my best friend.
(We’ve maintained a great friendship and are talking about trying again. We have a 16 year old daughter, too.)
You need to talk to him and be open and honest about what you feel, because there’s a slim chance he might be taking more time to have a ring designed or planning something (it’s not a guarantee, but it’s best to communicate so that you both know what the deal is).
As usual you have armchair experts saying to ditch him asap, but the real answer is a bit more complicated. I think you are placing a lot of emphasis on certain goalposts and reaching them by a specific time period. ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM? Because if you are then I think you’re ignoring how much he’s invested into you and your relationship at this point, yes a ring and marriage are important but it’s clear that he’s been building towards that with you, buying a house in both names, down payment on car, paying bills, a dog. If the ring/proposal is about signifying y’all’s commitment, then I think you should trust the big decisions y’all have made together and re-evaluate your timeline. The reality is that most dudes in their mid-late 20s are lowkey bums and wouldn’t even be willing to provide or commit to half the shit that your man already has done with you. Like if you think that you’ll ditch this dude and quickly find another dude to start building a life with then I have a bridge to sell you. But this isn’t to say just because you’ve spent this much time together that you should stay, but at the same time throwing away a relationship that is stable, loving, healthy, because you want to be engaged isn’t exactly the move either. If you are in love with him then perhaps have a bit more faith. Im just saying like if you actually love him like that you should consider if you care more about being married and pregnant by a certain age or if you care about doing that with him specifically, you may have your answer there.
5 years later he isn't even interested
Most people are drastically different at 25 than 30. I don't think people should be getting married until 30 or later honestly.
Wish these people would stop buying houses with their boyfriends/girlfriends.
Why, there are plenty of unmarried people who stay together for 40 years
I wasn’t for it originally, i just said I’m not going to be living at his house and paying off his debt. Putting money into something that isn’t mine. I would have just lived at home with my parent’s and we could have moved in when we got married or when he was ready but HE wanted to live there with me and HE didn’t want to live alone.
Shouldn't have moved in. He has everything he wants without having to marry you.
Many women can and do propose in this day and age too.
You'd find out right away by proposing to him if he told you no and then you'd have your answer.
From the way she phrased it, the "wifely duties" sounded like a quote. If that's the case, really doubt a traditional man like that would want a woman proposing to him.
Economically, you’re married. He put your name on what is really his house and a car. He’s certainly not stringing you along as he has put his money where his mouth is.
As previously stated we bought the house together and split the down payment 50/50. It’s my house too buddy. HE wanted to me to have the high end version of the car i wanted but it was much more expensive than what i could afford monthly. So he threw some money down.
No you don’t have a ring, but you have two dogs, a house and a man. What I haven’t heard is anything about how much you love him. Which I am sure you do but it seems you are focused too much on “the ring”. It’s fine to have a life plan and goals. But being focused on one part of that can be unhealthy. Most couples today have very candid conversations about when where and how they will be getting married what ring will be bought how they will be sharing finances etc. six months later and you don’t know why you don’t have a ring? Don’t you think that kind of weird?
This may seem silly to the majority but a guy getting married at 26 seems really young. A 26 year old girl seems to be a lot more matured than a 26 year old guy.
Reading between the lines from your responses, what you want is for a man to kneel down and ask your hand in marriage and you want to hold a wedding. But you don’t want this if it has to be prompted by you. You seem to be in a solid relationship and you want to throw that away because it’s not your ‘style’ to propose. FYI, this is so goddamn stupid. Go ahead and destroy your solid committed relationship because of your…pride?
The romantic surprise proposal is a movie/social media thing. Adults actually have the conversation about timing.
Have you told him how upset you are that he hasn’t proposed? Like, he knows you want to get married but does he know how it’s affecting you? From what you’ve described, he wants to get married too, he’s just dragging his feet. Tbh, not sure why you haven’t proposed yourself since it’s so important to you. Also, you’re setting up these unnecessary blocks to pregnancy. I can appreciate if you want to be married first, but why then take another year for fun? You’re having fun now aren’t you? Drop that random requirement and you’ve suddenly bought yourself a whole year of time.
Conversation. Why would it take so long for the wedding?
Show him this post. Seriously. But be ready. It may not go how you want. But, you’ll have your answer and that is what you need. Queue The Rolling Stones.
I’d let him know you’re serious about getting engaged and want to be clear with him that he’s on the clock and you’re not going to wait forever and you already consider a commitment overdue.
Give him 3-4 months after that and end it if he doesn’t step up.
So ask him ... it's not unheard of these days. Sounds like your both very much into one another. Nowadays 4 years to 5 years into a relationship and it's that good then you know. Honestly I'm 59 and been married twice. Neither one made 5 years. Irrelevant but they both cheated on me. But I've been in a few other relationships since then and none made it 5 years until this last one.. were going on 6 years. Both have been married twice so we're just feel we don't need the paper. And we're happy with eachother. Count your blessings. It's tough to find a loyal good partner.
Stop waiting on him to propose to you. Have a conversation about what you want/he wants. If you are on the same page make a plan for moving forward, if it is going to take 2 years to plan your dream wedding set the date for that and work backwards. Your relationship is a two way street and we are long past the days when a woman should be sitting around waiting for a man to make the decision on his own.
I always thought dating is trying to see if this is someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Engagement is making plans for marriage. So I don’t understand long engagements, unless there are unexpected issues. He seems hesitant to commit. You need to talk. Put the cards on the table.
Nothing wrong with having a plan in life. Coordination of your plan with your partners plan requires direct communication. This isn’t time for nudges, assumptions, or “finesse”.
You might achieve your goal and initiate your plan. However, if you’re indirect, presumptuous, or manipulative, there’s a good chance your partner will resent your relationship once the dust settles. If your communication is poor and disingenuous, he may not discuss this you with until it’s too late to salvage.
You know what you want, stop sitting around passively waiting for him to propose. Propose to him - it’s 2024, you don’t have to wait for a man to choose you. If you can’t do that, tell him directly that you’re ready to get married and when and if he’s not ready you want to stop playing house with him. if this somehow results in him saying no - for any reason - you’ll know he was never going to propose. Better to know now than later Good luck.
Op, it's quite simple. You have certain expectations for your relationship and life. If your beau does not share those same values on the same timeline, you call it and move on. Find someone you mesh with. Life is short.
You should talk to him directly and find out if you are getting married or not. Word of advice, avoid the 1-2 year planning time for a wedding. You will go into a huge amount of debt and it is rarely ever worth it. You should look into freezing your eggs - it can save you a lot of trouble in the future. And it can take the pressure off of having kids right away.
Ive been married 20 yrs and dont have a ring lol
Ultimatums are likely to lead to future arguments. Just have a talk. You could always propose. But sometimes asking the question might not get the answer you want. You should know by now if the two of you are compatible. If you are happy but still dump the guy - good likelihood your next guy won’t live up to the old boyfriend. Good luck. Life is too short to live with regrets.
I don’t agree with many of the comments on this thread. I asked my GF many years ago to marry me and she said yes. We don’t have the official paperwork but still very much love each other. Rings and papers are all good but the only real incentive are tax breaks. As long as you both love each other then nothing else matters. Still do talk. Communication is paramount in a relationship.
If you want to ask this question on Reddit instead of talking to him, then it means your relationship is not going well. Marriage is a very long partnership and being comfortable around your partner is very important. If you aren’t comfortable asking him what your future plans are, then it’s a red flag
Lolz, wth did I just read.
The fact that you’re thinking it means you’re expecting the relationship to head in that direction. Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him . Also sounds like some poor decisions have been made. You are both already living a married life without the ring and a wedding so what’s the incentive to get married now?
You're 27 and you're still communicating with a guy via 'vibes' and 'interpretive dance moves'? I think I see the problem here and it's only partially him.
I would ask him if he wants to get married soon. Then ask when.
If you don't like the answer then leave.
My first girlfriend and I were together for 4.5 years and it was a lot of "long distance" we were quite young but if she didn't want to move to my city and move in with me then I wanted to move on and date other people. She said she definitely wanted to move to be with me (her college was finishing up so she had to move anyway) and I her so I was happy. We got married and celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary before divorcing. She claimed I pressured her into marriage because she didn't want to lose her best friend and felt she had no choice.
Maybe it's true maybe it isn't but you don't want to be in that situation in 20 years :).
If you know he wants to get married, are you mad that he hasn't formally proposed to you or are you mad he hasn't gotten an engagement ring for you yet? It seems like he's spending an awful lot of money attempting to get financially set; typically, there's only so much money to go around. And he got you the car--I mean when he bought it, I'm sure you didn't say, "Take it back, I'd rather have a ring." Here's a crazy thought for two people who think they're mature enough to get married--talk to him. Let him know how you feel and give an expected timeline. He's not a mind reader, and it seems like he's already doing a lot. Maybe he thinks building a good financial foundation is the important thing to concentrate on right now. Maybe he just doesn't realize how much time has gone by and doesn't think you're in a hurry or understand why. After you talk to him and get his reaction, you'll be in a much better place to make the decision.
You kmow you could have sped this up by using your words and asking him to marry you
It's time for you to sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with your boyfriend to see if both of you are moving in the same direction after the talk you take it from there
Why all these stories about breakups because the guy takes a long time to propose? Spoiler, girls, you can do it too! If you've discussed it before, that you want to get married, what's stopping you from making the proposal of your dreams?
He’s waited this long for a reason. You’re insufferable.
As a Spaniard, this sounds so strange to me. What do you mean "enjoying married life before having children"? Isn't that what you are doing now? I am married and the love, commitment and respect for each other haven't changed. We got married when I was 8 months pregnant just because it made things easier. Waiting for a proposal is such a weird concept. Aren't the two of you in a relationship? Why don't you just decide it together? I understand you must be American, but it is all so strange. Also, these "womanly duties" or whatever, not even my grandma thinks like that. It's like going back in time. I guess it's cultural, maybe?
It’s a simple question, “hey babe, is there a reason you haven’t proposed yet?” See what he says.
You clearly do not communicate well as he is having to ask friends what type of ring you would like. As much as you have planned things you two should go ring shopping so he can confidently choose a ring he knows you will like. Even if you do not choose the exact ring you both will learn a lot from the experience. Choosing something that cost that much money blindly asking friends is not the way to go.
If you really care that much about material things then yeah cut him loose he deserves someone who’s with him for him and not a ring
Sounds like you've been together long enough to know you want marriage and children. If there's a timetable on pregnancy, I'd step it up. Nature is a fickle thing. Everything else is in place, what are you waiting for?
Girl, dont be a forever girlfriend and def dont give away your youth for free. I wouldnt wait more than 2 years for a ring and im your age. Dont let the man say „im not ready yet, lets wait” for another 5 or 10 years cause you’re gonna be really sad when he leaves you some day but he will get engaged with another girl in 1 year or less. They always know when they want to commit or not, always immadiately. But if he will want to string u along, he will. Be careful please.
You have valid concerns. The only issue is, you are having the conversation with the wrong person.
A lot of arbitrary goal posts setup and I’m sure they’re mutual. It seems like yall both wann take things slow. From the sounds of it, you know that your man is working towards a proposal. It just seems like he is taking a bit longer than expect even by his own estimates.
I think the better question is, are you ok waiting for him being a bit behind the stated scheduled or are you ok with starting this process all over again with someone new?
Keeping in mind that you may have to go through a few someone’s to get to that point to say the least.
I know you said that it’s ok to have plans, I agree with that. My wife and I both want children still, but going on 13 years as a couple 9 and a half years married and PCOS (which reared its ugly head after we were well into dating) the symptoms of it going untreated for years due to a prior piss poor gyno, blindness amongst other things now sparked by her now diagnosed MS….
Well, plans be damned, you can have them, I love those that do and appreciate when they hit the lottery of making them happen on time.
But what I’m getting at is, you marry the person, not the life long goals they may end up being able to provide.
You seem to timeline focused, please tell me that you’re going to be fair to him and yourself if let’s say he pops the question tomorrow and down the line you find out he is unable to provide you with children due to a later developing illness…
If not, you need to focus on finding someone who fits that bill, otherwise you’ll be in for a lifetime of heartache.
I wouldn’t trade my wife for the world, I’m here for her till the very end. I never expected these sharp turns around many cliff sides of life but here we are.
Don’t marry the timeline or the goals, ever. Live, love, laugh and be happy in unison with your proper soulmate.
Why why does it sound like you are communicating more with strangers on Reddit, than the person you're in a long term relationship with..? Put the phone away for a few days, and talk it out with the person.
You also have to understand that majority of your generation aren’t getting married. It’s obviously a loss on the guy to do so in today’s age. But the new average in marriage is around 30 So I would just be patient.
I personally recommend him not to marry you only because it’s a huge loss for him at the end. Maybe even the beginning haha
This is so bizarre. You have a happy, stable life with a man you love and who loves you and over a ring and a piece of paper you want to quit that? For what? To go where? Why are you prioritising a ring over everything else you have? You’ve fixated on a ‘plan’ that’s totally arbitrary and you’re willing to blow up you’re whole life because he’s not following it. I don’t think I’d want to marry you if I were him and you’d throw him and your future away because he’s not moved fast enough.
If this is the only issue you should probably consider it’s going to take AT LEAST another 2-3 years to get to know someone new and marrying them.
Speak to your boyfriend like an adult.
He’s keeping his options open. If he’s not ready to marry by his mid 20’s after being together for 4.5 years it’s not happening most likely.
Horrible guy, break up. He bought you a car...huge red flag, don't even get me started on THE HOUSE IN BOTH YOUR NAMES...the horror
Hot take coming : why is it so important to you? My partner and I have been together for 3.5yrs, we live together, have pets,the whole 9. We are committed to eachother.
Getting “married” entails a costly wedding, and a contractual commitment that involves the state to issue a “license”. Which really seems absurd.
Sure there are tax implications, but if money isn’t a scarcity, that’s really the only benefit.
You could still give eachother “commitment rings” and have a ceremony. But involving the state, signing contracts, it’s all just a racket, you dont need to buy-in to the wedding “industry” to be committed to your partner.
You would be stupid if you break up with him before having an honest conversation.
Tell him that you know you want to marry him, but his hesitation on popping the question is making you have doubts that he is fully committed to the relationship & that you are starting to have anxiety about the situation.
You also don't need 2 years to plan a wedding unless you're having 500 people there. You can easily plan a wedding within 6 months or less (I planned mine in about 4 - engaged in late March, married in July because I wanted a small summer wedding and didn't want to wait a year)
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