Throwaway bc my husband knows my main. I don’t know what to do. My (31F) husband (32M) -fake name Chris, and I have been married for four years, together for six. When we first got together we had several long talks about how we both wanted a big family. I wanted to be very upfront that child free is not an option, and I said I wanted to have at least four kids. I’m an only child and know how lonely it is, I also said I wanted to have them about a year/year and a half apart so they could grow up close.
He always wholeheartedly agreed to this and often made jokes like “whether we have 4 or 6, have as many as we want, it’s your call since you pretty much have to do all the work” and on our wedding day before we left the reception for our honeymoon he whispered “can we get outta here and get started on baby #1?” I loved how excited he seemed. To be clear I didn’t go off my BC until about two months after we were married and I got pregnant soon after with our first daughter Joy.
Joy was a happy pregnancy, long birth, but she was a beautiful, healthy baby. She went through colic which was trying, but other than that she was a happy first addition according to me. I noticed Chris became distant during my first pregnancy, but when I asked him about it he just said he had a lot in his mind being a new father. He said he was still excited, but something changed. For reference, we both work full time, I make about 20K more a year than him, and the five bedroom house that we live in was a gift from my mom who was very excited to be a grandma to many. My job is fully remote, but still offers maternity leave, and I have a nest egg savings for emergencies, and feel it’s important to mention this because I know finances can be a major stress factor when it comes to having kids, but not for me and Chris.
Then Joy came out perfectly, Chris had three months of paternity leave and was home with us for majority of that time. My mom visited a lot, and paid to have cleaners come. There were still a lot of long nights and it was tough for me to breastfeed, but overall nothing unexpected. Chris still seemed distant, but always helped with Joy. We have an agreed open phone policy, so I did check his phone quite often but didn’t find any sign of cheating. He goes through my phone whenever he wants too. I asked if he found me unattractive while pregnant and he assured me no, he loves me and he’s excited for our family.
Fast forward a year after, we’re sleeping through the night and I am back to work, saw my doctor and was cleared to try for bundle of joy #2, and Chris seemed very enthusiastic at this point. He even downloaded an app to track my fertility cycle so we could make the most of my ovulation times.
We had a lot of fun and he was always very passionate, but six months of trying with no pregnancy I started to worry. I’d voice my concerns and Chris would brush them off, so I tried to be patient, but then almost two years passed and Joy is growing up by herself.
I broke down to my mother crying and she agreed to come with me to the doctor to get checked out. I was very emotional and scared, but the doctor assured me everything is fine and that I should be able to conceive without any issues.
I went to Chris with this knowledge and he was very upset I went to a fertility specialist. I explained I thought something might have gone wrong during my last pregnancy, concerned that I was maybe blocked or infertile somehow. He said why not wait and “just let nature take its course” and I said “our little girl is almost three, and growing up by herself.” I reminded him of our plans and he just nodded and said all we can do is try. I asked if he would see a fertility specialist and he got angry, saying there’s nothing wrong with him and we don’t have the money for fertility treatments anyway. This confused me since we do have money, we have my savings and are doing pretty well.
When he went to sleep I decided to go through his phone again and went back through his calendar and call logs. I noticed about eight months after Joy was born there was a blocked day indicating he’d taken off from work, but it was in the middle of the week and I don’t remember any sort of special occasions behind why he’d take this random day off. I went through the call logs and found an office number about a week before and when I googled the number a local business where you could get a vasectomy appeared! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I instantly felt cold all over then started to panic.
I woke him up and confronted him. He just stared at me while I went off and admitted babies were harder than he thought and he felt like my first pregnancy took forever.
I couldn’t believe it. I packed my things, Joy and her things and drove to my mom’s house. She is in distress with my sudden appearance and my inability to stop crying. I finally told her yesterday morning what happened and she’s just beside herself. I don’t know what to do, but every time I think about how during sex Chris would talk to me about giving me a baby and he’d had the vasectomy the entire time. I feel so disgusted and stupid. I can’t believe my little girl is going to grow up alone. Chris has been blowing up my phone, but I just keep letting it ring and haven’t read any of his texts.
Edit: to those saying I “coerced” my “poor husband” into agreeing to a big family, nope. I was always open and honest about my dreams, told him it’s okay if he wanted different things, and he not only repetitively agreed and accepted, he also helped me plan, nest, put together the nursery and enthusiastically participated in conversations regarding having multiple children around friends and family, and always said we’d have at least 4. That was our number. Him getting a vasectomy behind my back was a complete shock.
Also, we’ve both always agreed to the open phone policy. I never “betrayed his trust” by going through his phone since I always had his consent to do so and he has mine. We even have the same phone pass code. I never wanted to be in a relationship where we kept secrets from each other. I know other couples feel different, but this is another thing he always 100% claimed he agreed with me on.
I vaguely remember one week where he actually turned me down for sex claiming he had a “head cold” and he didn’t join me in the shower like usual during that time, but I didn’t think anything about it. And no, men never need a wife’s signature to get vasectomy.