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Do you cry every time you don't get your own way?
Before you answer this, actually, really consider it.
As kids, we learn this technique, and not every parent gets wise enough to it. Some people, most of whom are women (it is more socially acceptable for women to cry after all) are still using it. Some don't even realise until they get called out and look at their own behaviour, most don't though, they think they are the victim again and cry.
I don’t want to go into details of my childhood but I’ve learned to hide my emotions since I was a kid. I grew up living with just my siblings and grandma while my parents worked in another country. They never took what my oldest brother did to us younger siblings seriously so no, crying doesn’t get what I want.
I always address my concerns and try to communicate with my boyfriend in a calm matter first. I don’t cry right away and even if I cry, it really isn’t to manipulate/get what I want. I cry when I feel misunderstood or mostly frustrated at myself for not being able to find the right words to express myself.
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4mo
I try to communicate with words with him but he has dismissed or blocked communication with me whenever he refuses to talk. He admitted that he tend to be dismissive and avoidant because of his own trauma.
What’s the point of me crying in attempt to get what I want when he dismisses and avoids communication? I am crying because I don’t feel heard, not to get what I want. There is a difference.
I am not trying to get you on my side or make people think he is the bad guy here. I am on this thread to get things off my chest.
Please don't listen to the shitty responses from this commenter.
You have done nothing wrong.
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
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4mo
You've commented such valid and good questions for everyone to ask themselves, hate to see your comments being down voted.
My bf and I are both emotional people and are aware that our tendency to cry and become upset can be seen as manipulation. Our relationship is fairly new but this is a discussion we've already had and had again while reading this post.
I don't think it's OP becoming emotional that's the issue. It's how OP responds to their bf when he shares that he's feeling like OP is trying to manipulate them with their emotions.
Like you've asked. Does OP take the win?
Recently I had begun to cave to my bf becoming emotional but he made it clear that that was not what he wanted. Without writing an essay he was simply overwhelmed and needed some positive reassurance that I was not dumping him. All I wanted was to talk about something that was bothering me. Once I reassured him of that we continued with the discussion and had a productive, yet emotional, conversation where we both felt the issue at hand had been addressed and resolved positively for both.
If on the other hand my bf had taken the win and let me cave to his emotions, pushing my own wants/needs/emotions aside. There would have been a bigger issue down the road.
Sounds like OP and their bf need to work on healthier forms of communication. Which includes realizing when you're being manipulative, even if you're doing so unintentionally. (I included the bf based off of OPs comment stating he's "blocked communication").
If OP feels that can't discuss certain things without becoming emotional then maybe they could try writing it down for their bf to read and then having a discussion from there. That's one of the ways I go about it.
Sidenote: I found myself wondering if OP uses their bf as an emotional dumpster. If they cry and express their woes to no one else in the world except their bf.... Well that would become exhausting.
It's hard to know from hearing just one side though.
Wishing OP and their bf the best of luck with their relationship. Hopefully they can have a healthy and productive conversation about all of this in the near future.
Thank you for this.
The fact is there are men and women who do exactly this and don't even consciously realise it.
Many of the down votes are likely people who feel victimised by these comments, yet I victimise no one, I am simply pointing out this behaviour is out there.
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4mo
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4mo
I knew a pharmacology grad student who mirrored these stories to the T.
She would never cry in the open. But then, behind closed doors, she would cry all the time even when her partner did nothing wrong. She had to live with this inner-turmoil of emotional problems and difficulty sorting through life to express herself, although did so quite well.
Most of the time her crying wasn't purposeful, of course. After a while it eroded at the relationship and even though her partner was a good person, they were constantly made the bad person for the first time in their whole life. They stepped away feeling shell-shocked from the entire thing.
The grad student was covered in scars along her forearm, came from trauma, and likely had BPD.