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Best friend told me she hates everything about me.
DiscussionOne more time for the cheap seats! DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER!
I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is always tough when it happens, and I hope that you are able to reconcile the feelings within yourself. Make sure to take care of yourself. The best thing you can do is heal.
I've been on both ends of this. On the receiving end, it hurts a lot and in some ways a friend breakup feels more painful than a relationship breakup. On the other end, I have had long term friendships that I ended in an abrupt way. I loved and cared about them, but I held my tongue until I couldn't anymore. When either happens, I recognize that some people get along better with others and if I've been toxic, I need to recognize those behaviors.
(hug) I've lost some important friendships in life. Sometimes, the other person did not communicate their concerns until the end - no matter whether I tried to check in, ask them if anything was wrong, communicate etc. Some people would rather store up their complaints and block you off from their life. I know when I've ended friendships, I usually try to communicate my concerns a few times before I get to that point of 'blow it all up' but perhaps she was stressed, something felt like the straw that broke the camel's back, she was quietly resentful and couldn't take it anymore, she's questioning multiple things in her life ... There could be a lot of factors and it could be easily to endlessly speculate.
A lot of times, I felt like you - I wish we could have talked about it, I would have loved to go over my former friend's complaints and seek understanding. But unfortunately, sometimes in life we don't get that and other people feel comfortable ending a friendship of years in a matter that feels abrupt when you're on the receiving end. Maybe to her, she had decided the end a while back and had 'grieved' the loss despite planning the trip. I know some of my friends in the past were non confrontational and preferred to keep things to themselves for the most part and dealt with issues by ghosting or blocking people, seemingly without a care when the contact was cut off.
No matter what the full story is on her part, I've been there and I'm sorry for your friendship loss. I've cried over friends, listened to angsty music, it has hurt me like a breakup tbh. Friendship means the world to me and the grief is real and painful. <3 I hope you find peace and can heal from this situation.
This happened to me and I was so hurt I blocked her on everything and didn’t go to her wedding. I’m still hurt two years later yet that’s all I can do and recommend doing. The friendship is over
What did you think about the things she listed that she found problematic? She took the time to itemize issues for you and you aren't sharing them...like the "missing missing reasons" phenomenon. Were they generalized, detailed, concerns you've come across before? Maybe delving into them will give you more clarity than we can.
yeah, I was in the same position as OP and my friend listed out reasons that ultimately make me reflect on myself and who I was as a friend and make some changes. They were so hurtful because i knew there was some truth to it, it made me so insecure. While it was overly harsh and some things she took back and apologized for, there was no right person and wrong person. We both needed to apologize. We reconnected after a few months. This friendship sounds dead, still its important not to victimize yourself; use this "breakup" for some deep self reflection.
good for you! it takes courage and strength to reassess our own behavior and contribution to a failing relationship. a list from the partner is extremely helpful and a generous guideline from their perspective on unmet needs. ignoring such a list shows little respect for their aired needs or ownership of faults and truths of areas for suggested improvement. acknowledging them and making those adjustments, if that works for both parties, is the difference between a healthy, successful, and communicative relationship and a failed one. maybe OP doesn't want a friendship where both parties are happy, just herself. hard to grow there and hard to understand her struggle. proud of you for allowing yourself to be uncomfortable enough to grow from the truths your friend had the guts to share; shows a lot of respect from both parties and great traits on you!
Curious about the fight itself and also what the friend was hiding. There’s just… missing info that feels obviously relevant
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7mo
Err, that might just be your perception.
from what she's shared and without answering any follow ups? definitely. i thought that's what we did here. you could post your comment to everyone's replies and be as correct as you are commenting it here. sorry, that sounds harsher than i mean it to be, but it is what i mean. isn't sharing our perspectives actually what we're doing here?
i think everyone saying her friend is crazy and having a mental breakdown or is being isolated by an abuser (?!?) is beyond ridiculous but that's their perspective...great! maybe seeing that helps her! maybe seeing my reply that totally ignoring her friend's documented sharing of grievances while continuing to not understand why her friend "hates everything about [her]" isn't helpful to unboxing her internal torment and confusion to the point of asking strangers for our perspectives might help her...that'd be great too!
It’s a horrible thing to happen. A crazy, crazy thing. This is how people feel when their spouse cheats on them and leaves them. It provokes this feeling like “what the hell is wrong with them.” I think though much like being cheated on in relationships what you’re experiencing does happen. It’s related to a character flaw in that person. Because you want to be like “ok what is the cognitive dissonance between this person presenting themselves in one way while having very different feelings.” So yeah the positive feelings toward you did exist. But at another level you were being scapegoated. There is something in the friend’s life that she blames you for. Or some feeling she has in herself, that she feels you’re responsible for. A very kind and responsible person wouldn’t end a friendship in this way (though friendships end and fall outs happen, with a lesser predictability than love matches because in those you have to move on from one to get other ones, but for the same reason). So seeing that flaw in her may help make sense of it all. Basically, when someone does a cruel thing, it’s often because they feel like a victim. The rationalization is like “well I’m going through so much, I can’t be responsible for this other person’s feelings.” And you can be pretty sure treating you this way won’t fix whatever this person’s problem is. So you can also rest easy about that. The laundry list of justifications doesn’t make sense, the only reason to bring up the past is to try to resolve it. It’s an attempt to make themselves more ethical for blowing up at you.
My view is, end a relationship with some notice, or because things aren’t reconcilable, fine, but everything has to be done with proper rules of engagement. I’m not a fan of people just saying things they don’t mean, words should mean things. But other people can use words in a somewhat desperate way sometimes. It’s like “how can I make this person meet my emotional needs” but there isn’t an awareness of the other person. That’s what seems to have happened. Just think about it as that this person was flawed but they could function well enough to be a good friend to you. And then stress in their life made their level of function dip below that, and they can’t. Things don’t align that way. I think that is the best way to think about it.
classic 'gunnysacker' (withholds civil communication about ongoing issues and concerns, until she's accumulated a large sack of them, then dumps them all at once on the table)
this sounds like a mental health episode on your friend's side to me.
Two people should be able to talk to each other about problems they are having, apologize, take accountability, acknowledge each others feelings and either reach a compromise/agreement or agree to disagree/move forward being cordial.
If you're willing to talk, be reasonable, listen, apologize, compromise, take accountability, etc. - but they aren't? It's a them problem. You can't own it.
It sucks when people throw a friendship away for no reason - but you have to remember no one owes you their friendship. if they want to tank it, for whatever reason - even no reason, they can do that. You just have to recognize that this is an issue they have, they probably wreck all of their friendships and will continue to do so into the future, and they probably have some sort of mental health issue that maybe isn't being managed at the current moment. that's fine. recognize it and don't internalize it.
I have to agree with this possibility. It sounds like she is going through a MH episode
I wonder if she's bipolar or something?
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It sounds like she's hurt and lashed out.
I can't imagine tolerating anyone for 10 years. No one plans a trip for two with the person they're just tolerating (except family). No one invests that much time into a person they're just tolerating.
I'm not sure this is about you. I think it's about her. I'm sorry this happened to you and that a friendship of ten years ended this way. It's normal to grieve and take time to process. You will be OK. Keep hanging out with your other friends and people you value.
And DO NOT chase after her.