My (f19) partner (m21) has schizotypal personality disorder or possibly schizophrenia. I have PTSD. For context, I've been badly abused in previous relationships including an 8 month engagement. My partner is lovely about this and is usually very understanding. We've been through a lot together, including the early death of his stepmother (she leaves behind his half brother, 5). It was tough getting through this, we nearly split up, and he was very obviously not coping- struggling with reality, hallucinations, spirituality, and a lot else. But we got through it. Obviously he isn't healed, it's only been a few months since this happened, and recently he's been slipping again into depression and being very erratic.
In the past, he's ended our whole relationship very suddenly for usually around a week at a time, usually over something like me raising my voice during an argument (which while sometimes I understand I have a difficult temper, I also think arguments are normal). Until now, he's always come back not long after, usually after we see each other face-to-face.
As I mentioned, I have PTSD - this recently got quite bad again, and while I've been trying to seek therapy it is very difficult where I live. One night, a week ago, he was staying at mine and I had a flashback dream where I remembered graphic traumatic memories of being assaulted by an ex partner, who had told me he would "track me down one day", a threat which has always terrified me. Long story short, I woke halfway through, immediately in the middle of a severe panic attack, and hallucinating my abuser's face while I had sleep paralysis. As he moved towards me, I lashed out and backhanded him in the jaw - not hard but enough to sting. There was no mark. I was thrashing around at the time, so I wasn't sure if I even did this on purpose, everything was so absolutely terrifying in the moment. We talked, and while he was shaken up, he told me he understood, and he forgave me because he knew it was not from anger, and I was not myself- I didn't know who was lying next to me in bed.
Things were perfect for the next few days, and he reassured me often he still loved me and we were OK. He then went home to visit his family. We have previously had a lot of problems with him suddenly changing his behaviour when he goes to visit them, specifically about lying to me about getting drunk and ignoring my needs and our plans so he can do this. It's worth noting alcohol seriously affects his medication - he has been given clear advice about this, and it's clear to me when alcohol intereferes with it, but he always denies it has any effect whatsoever. Long story short, he lied about where he was (out getting drunk), and at three separate times asked how i was doing - when I replied that I was struggling a bit that evening, he ignored me for at least an hour each time. I was very upset, and things were very tense for the next two days.
The whole time he was saying he loved me and would do anything to make things right, but then would deny he did anything wrong, and beg for forgiveness. On the second day (Wednesday) of things being very tense, he for a long time that day had been saying again he'd do anything - call whenever I need, rebuild the trust and seek therapy like I had done. Two hours later, I called him hoping to talk and he hung up. Feeling upset, I called him an hour later asking to talk about the relationship and he said, coldly, it was over, telling me "there is no excuse for you constantly screaming in my face and hitting me that time". He brought up old arguments that he himself had accepted the blame for, and it confused me because he said he understood what had happened- I did not know who he was, and feared for my life whilst in the clutches of my PTSD episode. I felt very hurt, and that he was being unfair.
He then made comments about my abusive childhood, again, he knows I was badly mistreated as a child, and called me a liar and that I should just rely on my parents for support - for me, this is not an option. I was so hurt by this my PTSD was again triggered and I started having flashbacks. He knows these very well, so knew what was going on, but hung up the phone and switched it off.
The next morning, he sent me a message repeating what he had said with a hyperlink to the samaritans. Again, I was very insulted by this, and hurt. When I asked if we could talk he told me never to contact him again and blocked me everywhere.
I feel heartbroken and confused, I'm not sure if this is his schizotypal personality disorder/possible schizophrenia making him irrational, especially after alcohol had interfered with his medication. Last I heard, his family had placed him in psychiatric care. I'm also very very worried I've been abusive- I feel sick with guilt, but at the same time I was hallucinating and afraid for my life, something he said he understood and had forgiven me for.
Are things over for good, or does he just need time for his condition to settle down and become less erratic? Or are we done for good? We loved each other, and had planned a bright future we had been working hard towards, it would break my heart to see it destroyed. Am I really abusive?
Edit:
I forgot to mention he's now moved back to his hometown for the summer (we are students), and has quit his job where we live. Unless he changes his mind I won't see him until mid-September
