I’m 36 today. Wish me happy birthday

first 2 fingers are missing nails? verified finger blaster confirmed

If Xanax was a person

Happy 36th birthday for the 14th time!

You have the fashion sense of an Eastern European prisoner.

Generic Latina face always somehow looks 20 and 45 simultaneously

Not a bad looking prison cell

You have the eyes of a shark.

You look like you belong on a Zoloft commercial. I'm depressed just looking at you.

From the looks of that outfit, you probably smell like baby wipes, dirty hair, and stale box wine.

Id rather suck my own dick

I used to shop at Dollar store.

55 comments in 5 hours? We care less about you than a catholic priest ever could

Your whole Personality is A yankee candle

Vanilla is "too spicy" for you.

Black soulless eyes

What city do you try to convince people to join Scientology?

You are white enough to not be exotic, but ethnic enough to be a statistic.

You look like you drive a minivan with a stick figure family on the back

Your 7 cats haven't already?

You are the white crayon. No one knows why you were included but might try you once for fun before losing you and not even remembering you existed.

I feel sorry for today.

Must be a lesbian since you have those two fingernails missing

The only thing giving you hot flashes is menopause

You look like you tell your date about all the STDs you have only afterwards.

You look like you've been shunned by the Amish community....

Happy Birthday! It had to be a struggle putting pointy hats on all those cats for your ‘party’.

You don’t look a day over 36

I thought the picture was taken from a hospital ward

You keep breaking your fingure nails on the well wall. For God sake, rub the lotion on the skin.

When your dreams of queefing are shattered by 24/7 flatulence

You have a personality of a 94 yo nana

The economy Stepford Wife model.

Happy Birthday Girl! You look fantastic at 36 honestly!

A couple fingernails fell off during the last fisting session.

Wizards sleeve in worse shape than the sleeve on your sweater…

You look like the typical lesbian English teacher

Happy bday. Over 35 now , no need to spend so much time getting ready in the morning.

You have hissed at people at the grocery store within the last week.

I hope someday that the doctors can help you walk again

keeping two nails trimmed is awfully presumptuous, isn't it?

Your nasty extensions almost look like real unwashed greasy hair!

Can't tell where iris ends and pupil begins

Disturbing 

You look like you pee standing up because the of patriarchy

Happy Birthday! I turned 36 this year too! My Internet is lagging, so I can't see your picture yet. Roast to follow!

You look like a fister

No thanks.

I don’t want to see you naked.

Ask for some hand-me-down makeup too, not just clothes.

What did your 6 kids give you for your big day?

I'm glad you got rid of the straight bangs. You looked terrible.

Your cat uses a lint brush after you pet it.

Happy Birthday

Wash your hair before you turn 37 please

Thanks for taking your mother’s advice and covering yourself up and wearing less makeup. You look like a modest young lady now.

I hope you have a wonderful day, Own it, its yours to take!

You look like you’d lie to men telling them your fallopian tubes are damaged but they’re in perfect working order. The you’d get pregnant. You’re that type of

You look like the type for girl that hates giving oral.

U need to get yourself some new clothes.

get any good color books?

Happy birthday 🥳

New It’s okay to give up meme

Are you still selling bibles at the Bus Stop?

🥰

Not today, i have a headache.

Touch grass

I bet you glitch out once a day where you stare into space motionless for 30 minutes or more.

I hope you don’t feel as old as you look. I bet you rewrite trauma stories based on your peer group and/or social media platform.

36 wow you don't look a day over 45.

Happy Birthday pretty lady. 🎉

36 years of your parents regretting forgotten birth control.

You got them heroin eyes

Gender-reversed Jack White. Jackie White?

If I may quote a hilarious joke from one of Dave Chappelle's stand-up specials.. "there's no such thing as good 36 year old pussy."

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Happy 40th!! If we’re being honest

You are a ziplock bag full of mayonnaise in a warm minivan.

Idk, you give me hot mom vibes. But not in the good way, like on the news way. Flirting with teens way.

the "natural look" isn't really working for you but I can't imagine make-up making it any better. Happy birthday!

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This is the only roast you're used to

Happy birthday 🎂

Happy birthday!

Came to roast but 😝 You look very hot for your age 😅 Happy birthday grandma 🥳

You look sweet, but, dangerous sweet. Happy Birthday!!

This is your pharmacist, your prescription for cymbalta is ready.

The M2F transition is going well… a few more years on hormones and you might just pull it off.

She stays looking this young by having sex with her students. A virgin teen a week keeps the Botox away.

Happy birthday, and still single, guess you're great at blowing.... Out candles.

Eva Longoria from Temu

You look like a Disney princess, if they'd been kicked into a wellness program on a court order.

alright which guard did you suck off to let you out of the rehab center for seniors again?? we talked about this gramma.

Happy birthday! Now back to the basement you go.

your over thirty and not fat so how many kids do you have 4 or 5?

It's your birthday and the only attention you can get is by begging for some on this sub.

When asked to describe her looks… she looks like Beige

36 years of being alive! Wish I could say the same for your eyes

Your birthday present was a hotel room? Or is that just where you became conscious?

There's nothing I can say that will hold as much weight as your under eye skin.

Beige

You look like you used to be cute in high school but in two years, the guys at the reunion will be sorely disappointed

Take the plastic off your old face, it makes you look like your 20

That half forced smile screams, "daddy, some day you will regret leaving me and mom". That day is not today though.

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Your crazy eyes scream Narcissistic . Wtf is going on with your dirty ass nails ?? Your fat ass cheeks you look like a white dj akademiks

How many more birthdays are you going to tell yourself there’s still time to find a man and have a child?

Little caffeine addict

Happy birthday!

I hope you asked for makeup for your birthday.

Please move the roast sign to cover your mug so I can see the more attractive ones hanging behind you. BTW happy birthday!

Probably the only girl that posted here that look ten years younger than the age she said she is ...

Congratulations. You were pushed out of someone’s vagina 36 years ago.

Happy Birthday-Day Mom

Usually acne issues stop by the late teens

You look a decade younger than your age....

Oh wait i thought i read that to be 56. My bad.

You’re about as interesting as a glue stick and probably smell the same

Holy Fuck! Were you born near a nuclear waste dump? There are mummies who look younger than you.

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I'd say you remind me of trash, wearing rags and just heaped on the floor, but then I'd be lying because at least trash gets picked up.

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What's going on with your eyebrows? It looks like you started trimming them but then changed your mind after starting the right one.

Marni your Wingnut girl

Time for a cat.

2 kids but no ring, guess the hit it and quit it is strong with this one

Fiona Apple called to say Vanilla Ice wants his eyebrows back young lady.

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Happy birthday to you!

Experienced std collector

Hard pass.

Whoops, looks like you got the numbers backwards, grandma.

Happy birthday, you aged like milk.

36, more like 46, holy Christ

You wouldn't even make it as a volunteer fluffer on the set of a porn.

Happy birthday and congratulations on winning, 2024's The Most Placid Looking & Boring Bitch Award. - Sponsored by Benzos.

Which body part is hurting now because of the pre-celebration of the upcoming birthday last night? :)

Happy Birthday! How’s it feel to be three years old now?

You are the poor man’s girl next door. Happy birthday.

Old fuck

Remember you will only be 36 Once ! Treat yourself to a power dildo today.

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Life peaked in your days as a barista, didn’t it?

P.S. Happy Birthday!

Pass, you aren't worth it. I do hope you have a shitty day though.

Who does a fit check with their baby. That's just wrong. Your kid or kids are not Fashion accessories.

Happy Birthday