Help with brother.

Me 35 F Brother 38 M Could genuinely do with some advice. Have a family member who believes every repugnant idea you can name,. Recently going into holocaust denial, Jews run the world. Absolute opposite of anything we were brought up with, . extremely racist, homophobic etc. the whole q anon type beliefs. Have as little to do with them as possible.

We are a small family, just two siblings and parents. Our parents will always love him obviously. They try to fight back, but it is just a losing battle. Has used drugs heavily for 20 years, and they believe this is some sort drug induced psychosis.

He can not be spoken to. The most innocent conversation ends with him screaming and shouting. He can get quite threatening, hitting things, slamming etc. I am starting to really fear for my parents having him in their house.

Is there anyway to get through to him? I love and miss the person he used to be, but I'm afraid he doesn't exist anymore. I would also appreciate resources to provide to my parents if anyone has recommendations.

in QAnonCasualtiesby Fun_Cartographer_22New User

89%

ahhh_ennui

I'm so sorry you're seeing this happen to someone you love.

You can't fix him. You can't rewire him to be addiction-free or more amenable to intervention. And it sucks, I know the helpless feeling well.

You can just be that person he feels safe coming to, as long as you are safe around him. Your first priority needs to be you. Your environment, your mental health, your energy, and any other person you hold near and dear.

Your family may benefit from Al-Anon or a similar group who can give coping strategies without codependency. You're not alone.

I wish I had some easy strategy for you, and I'm worried for all of you. Please protect yourself as best you can.

Fun_Cartographer_22

New User

Thank you. I'm honestly worried every night he's in my parents home.

Fun_Cartographer_22

New User

Thank you. I am genuinely worried every night he's in my parents home.

ahhh_ennui

I am too. They need to seek help for themselves, and I hope they do. I'd put my energy with them tbh but man it's not an easy situation.

dfwcouple43sum

Short answer - no

As bad as the conspiracy nonsense is, there are bigger issues around his temper, being prone to violence, etc.

What kind of response do you think you’ll get if you point out their flaws?

Fun_Cartographer_22

New User

That's my main fear honestly. My parents are pushing 70 now, and he's very threatening. He smashed up some of their kitchen a few years ago. Once he locked my mother and son in the house and prevented them leaving while he ranted and raved. It's easy for me to just cut him out of my life, but my parents can't just give up on him.

Spfromau

Wow. Has he ever had a mental health evaluation? Locking your mum and son in the house and not letting them leave is a form of violence, and goes beyond your garden variety Q.

Fun_Cartographer_22

New User

Agreed, it's beyond standard conspiracies. No, he won't engage with any help, we are the problem in his eyes.

Mixedbratzzzz

You can call 411 for mental health services to come and evaluate him, they can put him on a hold and stabilize him even if he’s an adult. I highly suggest doing this first before involving police as they are quick to escalate things which ultimately leads up to someone being killed.

ThatDanGuy

Yep, Never tell them they're wrong or tell them facts. For one, they do not share a common set of facts with you. #2, yeah, the response could be .... unpleasant.

graneflatsis

!strategies !support !advice grey rock

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Hi graneflatsis, here are a selection of support links from our wiki:

QAnon Casualties Wall

Standout advice from QAC users

Chat with a counselor now (free)

Cult Recovery 101 resources

Professional cult counseling directory

Treatment Advocacy Center resources

Parents for Peace extremist helpline and resources

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Dealing with paranoia

Dealing with violence

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Hi graneflatsis, here is a selection of strategies for dealing with Q folk from our wiki:

What to do when someone you love becomes obsessed with Qanon

7 ways to talk to qanon-obsessed loved ones

How to talk to conspiracy theorists and still be kind

How to change a person’s mind with science

The key to debunking false beliefs is by addressing underlying belief systems

What Is the grey rock method and is it effective?

Why do some people believe in conspiracy theories?

Rescue a loved one from a cult: The strategic interactive approach

How to talk to your friends and family about covid, vaccines and wearing masks

How to respond to your family's coronavirus conspiracy theories

What to say if people you love believe coronavirus conspiracy theories

A game designer’s analysis of qanon

Separate them from the sites, devices, apps, etc. that are feeding Q propaganda.

Standout advice from QAC users

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Non-Expert Advice:

Arguing is out and debunking off the bat is tough. Remind them of shared experiences/old times and get them to laugh. Exercise/activity, sleep/diet, old/new hobbies, old/new surroundings (fav restaurant/day trip/camping) help. Psychoactive drugs should be stopped. Avoid whatever makes them tense or angry. Pick something that's not volatile and ask them to tell you the details. It's good for them to lay it out. Be respectful, supportive but not smarmy, be unemotional and use logical, sparse debunks on weak points. Pick flaws that will hit home with them, resonate. Agree with some facet but point out a glaring problem. This will create seeds of doubt. Leave time between sessions to let them process. Get to the core of what they've been told and identify why it's important to them. Fear, anger and emotion seem to be hyped. Ask: "What impact has this had on your life?" This should make them pause and think, you want them to return to thinking for themselves. Subvert the negative of their personality and project warmth - Ignore or walk away when they start getting angry or argumentative. This short circuits their tendency to argue and over time can help break their addiction to outrage. Address their best selves and project appreciation for that person. Separate them from the sites, devices, apps, etc. that are feeding Q propaganda. Expose them to materials on critical thinking and media literacy. Get them to read something generic and out of their mindset. Takes time, patience, a light touch and repeated effort to make progress. Professional counseling can help: Chat with a counselor now (free) - Cult Recovery 101 resources - Professional cult counseling directory - Treatment Advocacy Center - Parents for Peace - Life After Hate - Also see: Standout advice from QAC users - Good advice

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Hi graneflatsis, thanks for recommending this technique. With grey rocking you act disengaged so that a Q person will lose interest in arguing. Q folk thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and unemotional, it can help break the cycle of negativity. Detailed guide on the method.

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Potato_Donkey_1

Helpful

As you can see, yes, there are tons of resources for you to explore. Take your time.

The most likely answer is that there's only one difficult path for him to come back to reality and to who he used to be, and that's for his addictions and beliefs to fail him so completely that he hits bottom and will try anything to feel good again, even sobriety and reality.

His current behaviors may be bringing him their own kinds of suffering, but they are on the whole more comforting and relieving than painful.

You can let him know that you love him. You can do that and also protect yourself from the harm that might come from wanting so much to help that you enable and extend his destructive behaviors.

Wishing you strength.

Fun_Cartographer_22

New User

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to advise. Your last paragraph sums up exactly the balancing act we are going through as a family. In response to me telling him I love him and want him to get help, he called me a blood traitor and nothing to him. I don't see any quick path out of this.

Potato_Donkey_1

Helpful

Blood traitor. Wow.

But that's where ever-escalating cancel culture has brought us, normalizing the thoughts that there are two sides, and the other side needs to be crushed.

And if you don't want to be in this fight and don't see a war between absolute good and absolute evil? Then you are likely to be canceled by both sides. And perhaps that is what drives some people who would not have wanted either side in our cultural rupture to finally choose a side. At least if you choose a side, you have allies instead of only enemies of different descriptions.

What you are dealing with isn't just a transformation of your loved one, but the disunity of a society.

madlyqueen

Please do not leave your children with your parents alone, ever. Their enabling of your brother has already endangered your son. You may have to limit contact with your parents to protect yourself and your kids from your brother. I know this isn't the solution you would want, but you brother and your parents have to want to change the situation, and they've proven they don't.

ThatDanGuy

Oh boy. Engagement is challenging. If you are going to do it, here are some rules:

NEVER tell him he's wrong
NEVER tell him the facts
NEVER provide sources

Instead, keep your mouth shut and listen. Then ask him how he knows whatever thing you feel if he thinks about it a bit he might doubt (maybe just a little bit) his thought on it.

Like, if he claims rich developers used space lasers to burn down the houses in Maui.

Really? How'd they get the space laser up there? How much did it cost them? How high up is that space laser? 100 miles or more? How much power does it take to shoot a laser that far? How big a power plant would they need to put in space to power it? Are they using Nuclear power plant? Oh, solar? How big a solar panel would that take?

Why wouldn't they just give a pack of matches to some homeless bum and tell him to start a cook fire over in that field instead? Wouldn't that be cheaper?

When they pile on a million things, only pick one. When they go off on other things you say "I don't care about that, I care about this one." When they ask you a question: "IDK, that's why I'm asking you."

The whole thing is to plant seeds of doubt in their mind.

TBH, if drugs are involved your MUCH better path is to get them to AA meetings. If you have any family friends that have gone through what he's gone through, get them together and let them persuade him. I have family that went through this years ago. I don't think my Socratic method would have worked on him back then. It wasn't until he ended up at AA meetings with a parent of a High School friend that dragged him there and getting into Church that he got his crap together (AA encourages spirituality. Which presents its own dangers in the modern day world).

Fun_Cartographer_22

New User

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. Honestly, he is so unhinged at the minute, I don't think this would get anywhere. I have tried having those types of conversations, in some ways it's not helpful as he seems to take it that his ideas are worthy of debate. Just the same as liberal vs conservative for example. I agree that something like AA is needed, but that will have to be up to him.

thebaron24

Restrict his access to the internet. Block all Qanon stuff at the router level.

Tell him if he wants the internet he has to earn it with good behavior.

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