I need some help

I’ve been living this nightmare for 14 years

Originally, I only had sexual symptoms…mild to moderate ED, lack of sensation, muted orgasms, and PE

But otherwise mentally I was fine.

Over the years, I’ve experienced several major crashes from highly serotongeric stuff: Magic Mushrooms, buspar, and most recently high dose inositol

After my buspar crash, the worst of which lasted for 5 years, and from which I never fully recovered, I was in a very dark place that I thought I would never get out of and very nearly tried to end my life at one point.

Then eventually I finally got better to the point where I could feel a bit optimistic and find some joy in life. Obviously there was a lot that I was unhappy about, but every day didn’t feel like a crisis of misery. With the help of ED meds and weed, I could even enjoy sex

But then 2.5 years ago, I crashed again from high dose inositol. Why I thought to try it, I don’t know. But ever since then, I’ve been living with this horrid anhedonic depression. NOTHING brings me joy, and I also just feel dumb as a sack of rocks.

After being in that horrible hell after buspar from which I thought I would never escape, I somehow got out, was starting to live something resembling a normal life… but then found myself back here again, as worse as ever

I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I was laid off a few months ago, and the thought of trying to start a new job in this state is a nightmare of its own.

I just don’t know what to do. It’s just killing me to know that I had gotten out of this state before, just to find myself here again. Almost 3 years now, and no end in sight.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s a BEAUTIFUL spring day out right now, and before my most recent crash I would very much be enjoying this. But I’m barely able to. Instead all I can feel is my depression which is manifesting itself physically.

I can’t believe I knocked myself back here with that fucking inositol

What was I thinking?!