I feel like life just slowly stagnates on you once you turn 25. I’m currently 36, and my circumstances in life are actually better than they’ve ever been. I have a reading, in demand career, my finances are stable, i have my own place, etc. but even with all that advancement and success, I still see all that I’ve lost over the years and it makes me wonder why should I keep living if life only gets worse from here?
I do want to say I am NOT suicidal. I do not think about killing myself. I don’t have the intense emotions driving me to end my life or anything like that. I just don’t see why I should continue life when all the best things are done and gone. Ive always struggled with depression, but when I was younger, I could at least rationalize the reasons to want to live. Now, I just think being alive is tedious. My regrets keep piling higher, and most likely won’t. The people in my life have moved on from me and it’s getting harder and harder to meet new people the older I get. My looks are fading with age. My hobbies are getting boring.
They list goes on.
At least when I was younger, my friends were around. Now they’ve all moved out of state or got married and have kids, and I never see them. I don’t get why they would drop me so easily…I understand not having enough time to hang out as often as we did, but they’ve stopped reaching out completely.
In between relationships, but now, they never feel as fulfilling as they used to in my 20s. There is the one that got away who will haunt me forever. I feel like relationships are just something I have to have now because all my friends moved on and I don’t want to be alone.
My vitality and passion has faded. What little free time I have is spent recovering from work. I can’t stay up late without feeling like I’m dying for at least a day. I can’t enjoy even moderate marijuana or alcohol without feeling like I’m dying from the after effects.
So…why? Why would I put the same effort into life when the returns are less and less? What’s the point of trying, off struggling daily to live a healthy life when even living a healthy life isn’t as good as it used to be?
I’m not trying to be a downer here, but I can’t help how I feel. Even under antidepressants, I can’t rationalize the point. Sure, my feelings change, but the existential crises remains.